Hi Moms,
I need some advice. I have been married to my husband for almost 13 years. We have three boys, 9, 4 and 17 months. We have had an absoulutley horrible year and I feel our marriage is going downhill fast! I have for the most part been a SAHM since my first was born. I have got my Bachelors degree in Business, I graduated in 2006 and have not really used it yet. I have been for the most part loved being able to stay at home with my boys, I consider myself to be so lucky to have this opportunity. But now that my husband and my relationship has took a turn for the worse, I feel considerabley trapped. I was thinking of going to get my teaching cert. this year, and becoming a teacher, but I have just made the decision this morning that I can not go to school right now when I am so uncertain of if my husband and I will be together in five years. (the program that I would be getting into is a Master's program and I will need a lot of help and support from husband with the kids) I am regretting that I have not worked the last 10 years and do not have a career. What would you do in this situation? I am so tired of putting on this fake front to everyone that our marriage is perfect! He is not the man that I married and I have probally changed also. He is not willing to do any sort of counsling. He is an angry man and is not happy. We do attend church regualarley and again, it just seems fake there, because as soon as we are in the car, he is the same angry man that he is at home. I feel so bad for our kids, he is constantley yelling and mad about anything and everything. All of our family lives in Michigan, so I could not go stay with them. Plus, I would never take our kids away from him. Do I just deal with this and contiue living a fake life? What would you do, please I need some advice.
Thanks!
Just an example of his "unhappy and angry attititude" we have a Chocolate Lab, she is 13 years old, she was the first thing that my husband ever bought me, so for me she = our love, she has been with us throughout our whole relationship. Well, she is getting old and starting to loose her bowel funtion, not bad but it's happening. She is not sick or suffering in any other way. Well, my husband says " I'm not putting up with her shit, I'll have her put to sleep" I mean are you serious?! I could see if she was suffering, but you don't have an animal put to sleep because they are getting old, plus I am the one who takes care of her, while to him she is just in the way.....I just want to cry, him saying that and acting that way hurts my beyond belief!
I see you posted basically the same question back in June. I think you're going to get pretty much the same advice as you did then.
Did you ever talk to a counselor, or a pastor? What have you done since you first asked for help?
Nothing will change until you take that first step, whatever you decide that first step is.
I'm sorry you are having problems, but you haven't told us anything to help us help you.
Why is he angry?
Why is he unhappy?
All marriages have tough times. Why is yours having tough times?
Good luck to you and yours.
I would also suggest counseling. See what resources are available to you at your church. I find just being a part of my women's bible study and mom's group through church there is a lot of support just in those places. Books I would suggest to you are: The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartain, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and Love and Respect (www.loveandrespect.com) All very valuable resources. You should not feel like you have to fake your life because nobody deserves to live that way, (especially if you are in danger in any way) but if your marriage is worth saving then by all means save it. Check into these books first, every once in awhile I wonder about my relationship with my husband. It is easy to get caught up with work, taking care of kids that we sort of lose each other in the process, but these books help keep me in a positive and proactive frame of mind.
I also agree with looking into online programs for a teaching certificate to see if you can do the bulk of your work at home. Good luck and God Bless!
A.
Go to counseling for you and get strong. I don't say that meanly, because I was not strong when I needed to be, but I am now. So if it ever happens again I will do what NEEDS to be done. What needs to be done is different for each person in each different situation.
I do ask why you can't go to school though? Can you find sitters? I ask because I got my undergrad when my husband was being a dip and my parents helped, but I could have found a sitter too. I am working on my MBA now and my husband is out a lot. He is much more helpful now, but over the summers he is not at all because of his softball. Do what you need to do for you. Get school in your mind as something only for YOU that no one can take away. Part of my motivation for wanting mine so badly is because I want to be able to provide for my kids and myself if something were to happen to my marriage. Id try to do the school thing and get yourself set.
What's going on with your husband to make him so angry? Is he doing a job he hates, feeling unappreciated, not respected?
Men need to being doing what will make them FEEL like men. They need to be respected and appreciated for their hard work both at home and out in the world. I guarantee that if you take steps to make him feel respected and appreciated for "bringing home the bacon" and for what he contributes to his home and family, he'll be a lot happier.
Men are big picture people...women are detail oriented. So, for example...if he mows the lawn, don't just say "thank you for mowing the lawn." It would mean a whole lot more to him if you said with a kiss, "The yard looks amazing...it makes the whole neighborhood look better!"
I know that seems silly, but those little distinctions can make all the difference.
I suggest the book "The Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura. I know some folks think she's too old fashioned...and in some ways she might be...but most of her recommendations are spot-on.
G.:
I personally wouldn't throw in the towel and uproot my children without getting to the bottom/root of the problem. No marriage is perfect - heck my parents have been married for 54 years and there are times they look at each other and throw their hands up in the air...
I can't speak for him, but he sounds like he's angry because he feels the marriage disintegrating as well...sounds like you both need to learn how to communicate with each other again...divorcing and leaving isn't going to change anything but the location...you are still going to have to parent together. So before you leave - go to counseling and learn how to communicate with each other.
I know I am not the same person my husband married 14 years ago nor is he the same man I married, life happens, things change you....maybe he's angry because he doesn't KNOW how to tell you how he's feeling or maybe he wants to tell you but you have your defenses up so he doesn't feel he can talk to you...I don't know...I do know that it's give and take and you need to communicate with him - do NOT accuse him - talk to him the way you want to talked to - honey - I am feeling anger from you- can you tell me what's going on - or however you want to say it - if you accuse him of always being angry - it will not be a productive conversation...
You might have to rearrange your priorities...maybe he doesn't feel like he is a priority in your life anymore - that it's all about the kids....I know as a SAHM that the kids can consume you - but the marriage always needs to be first....the kids grow up and move away....the marriage is supposed to stay...
Sounds like you are angry too. In no way should you pretend your marriage is perfect...as I said - NONE ARE! It's what works for the couple...get counseling for both of you...you might be surprised at what you learn!!
GOOD LUCK!!
You say he is not willing to go to counseling, but what about you? Perhaps you going, having that person to support, guide and encourage you through this difficult time, no matter how it turns out, would be helpful to both you personally and your marriage. That is where I would start, if it were me. Sorry things are so rough right now :o(
Have you spoken to your husband about this? Tell him openly how you feel. Maybe counseling?
I would tell him what you just told me, then tell him that you are going to start looking for work (baby can go to daycare, or you can get a nanny).
You will feel better knowing you considered all options, and that you talked to him... maybe you will find work, and love it, or hate it... and that will be the deciding factor for you.
I just stopped working. I do miss the office drama.. but I feel that this is the right thing to do for my son, right now.
Hugs and good luck!
Look in to online school.. you can do masters programs online (or at least start them) if anything you thinking you may NOT be together in 5 years should put a fire under your butt to do the schooling now while you can at home without putting too much more on him (because it sounds as if that wouldn't be an option for him anyway). Look into FAFSA and see if you qualify for aid and find a university that does online classes and start there. Good luck!
G.,
Go ahead and do counseling without him. Not all therapists are good, so get a referral or don't hesitate to change if you feel no progress is being made. Could you get him to go see the movie Courageous? The Love and Respect Marriage conference is also excellent. It is offered periodically by churches.
Good luck and God bless.
Victoria
I'm sorry you are feeling this way. It seems that if your relationship has taken a turn for the worse, it can possibly take another turn. You are not stuck where you are. Have you gone to the elders of your church for counsel? Even if he won't go, have you talked to them? If not, you need to do this. His anger problem is a sin problem, and it needs to be dealt with biblically. There is a root to his bitterness and anger, and only killing the root will bring sweet fruit back to your marriage. I wouldn't give up. I would fight even harder to save this relationship, for you, your children, and your grandchildren (one day). Divorce leaves such an ugly mark on a family. It is so hard to get beyond it. Don't regret the decisions you have made to stay home with your children. You have sacrificed greatly for them. It wasn't in vain. Pray for your husband, that the Lord will work on his heart, and turn it to Him, to you, and to the children. A career won't save you.
I think you need to find some counseling for yourself to help you figure out what you need to do. Does your church offer any? Could you talk to your pastor?
.
G.,
I get what you're saying...your husband is angry. At the world. But why? Is he stressed over money? O. bad year doesn't "doom" a marriage. Is he depressed? Could it be Low T? His health? Does he *feel* OK? I think you need to look at the "why" part of his personality change.
As to the trapped feeling. I'm betting if your husband had an attitude change, you wouldn't feel nearly as hesitant to start your program, right?
Either way, you are still going to "BE" in 5 years, and I think it would be smart (either way, marriage wise) to start working toward your goal.
Have you tried talking to him? REALLY talking to him? About what is making him unhappy and snappy with the kids? Maybe if it's financial (which is not a 'good" excuse to snap at your wife or kids, but it happens) you guys can come up with a plan to increase the cash flow (PT eve jobs) AND make plans for your degree.....good luck!
