P.L. asks from Ashburn, VA on January 24, 2010
Relationship with My Husband and Deperate for Having the 2Nd Child.
my husband and i have been married for 4 years now (today our anniversary). We have a 3 years old daughter. When we married, we discussed about how many children we want. I wanted 4 (because i grown up with 4 siblings and we have a great relationship). for my husband, he wanted 2, (he has a brother , not really great relationship (cus my husband's personality). Finally, I agree with my husband that we would have 2 kids. now my husband doesn't want to have any more baby. He just wants only one. He stopped have "Sex" with me since my first pregnant. I tried with him but he never need the deeper relationship while I need. He said he is getting old. (only 46 years old). he doesn't want to have any more kids. because Money and his age. (he has a good job as the manager financial)
We just moved into a new home and have more room than out townhouse. I feel I want to hear kids laugh and more joy at home same as I grown up. Kids run around while I am cooking or doing things. Also, my daughter always want to see her cousin or her friends because she feels lonely at home. she wants to have someone to play with her. (I played iwth her sometimes) I tried to discuss with my husband about second child, he always gets upset and avoid issue. I just turned to 40 recently. it causes me more emotion and want to have one more child badly.
My husband doesn't understand my feeling. I feel it is hard for me to discuss with him about our deep relationship and my feeling.
questions, anyone doesn't have a deep relationship with husband for more than 2 years like mine? what would you do? is it affect to your marriage? How do you feel that your husband doesn't want to have a 2nd child as you both have been discussed before marriage? please help. I feel sad and very angry in him sometimes ....
M.U. answers from Norfolk on January 25, 2010
i hate to say this but there is something else going on i yall arent having sex and he is addiment about not having another baby you better look into that farther that is a little suspious if you ask me my husband works third shift we have two boys and im pregnant with my third and i dont know a man on the planet that would turn down sex if something else wasnt going on i dont want to accuse anyone of anything but i have been there with my first marriage so take some advice look into really look into please for you and your child.
M.C. answers from Washington DC on January 24, 2010
Hi. I've been married for 12 years. and yes my marriage has had plenty of ups and downs. As for your husband changing his mind, could it be that he's just feeling old? Maybe he's decided that he doesn't want to go through the whole pregnancy, infant stage at 46. Can you try to think about it from his point of view? What if he wanted to have more kids, but you weren't ready?
You mention that he doesn't find you desirable anymore. Could there be some medical reason that he's just embarrassed to share with you? I had a medical thing going on, and kept putting my hubby off Finally he got really mad and called me on it. I had to open up and not tell him what was going on. I was shocked, its not that I was trying to keep stuff from him, I just didn't think he'd want to know or care. We're not a family that shares all of the minnute details about certain problems/issues esp. girl related issues. I still have the issue, and am now seeking medical help, so he's been understanding, but if he hadn't called me on it, I still wouldn't have let him in.
Have you considered being a foster parent or adopting? There are a ton of kids in VA that are looking for a loving home. Here is a link to child services. http://www.dss.virginia.gov/family/children.html
S.T. answers from Washington DC on January 25, 2010
there are two different things going on here. the child issue is so sad, and unfortunately it's not resolvable. if your husband doesn't want another baby, (and his reasons are perfectly valid), it would be a betrayal for you to get pregnant. fear of that is almost certainly affecting the other issue, the lack of intimacy. you may want to consider counseling to help you deal with your grief and longing for another child, which is real and totally valid. but both parents need to be on board, unless you are so adamant about this that you would be willing to leave him and either find a mate whose does want more children, or have more kids and be a single mom, a very difficult option.
what do you mean by not having a 'deep' relationship for more than two years? having sex would not turn your marriage into a deep relationship. my heart breaks for you because it sounds as if at the moment you have neither, neither a sexual relationship nor a deep one with him. it sounds as if this child issue has become so fraught with emotion for both of you that discussion about it is very hard to have. you need counseling, by yourself if necessary but couples counseling would be best. you really need to figure out a way to talk this through, not to make him accede to your wishes but so that you can figure out how to live together and be a cohesive happy family for the child you have, and who needs you both. refocusing on her might help you deal with some of your feelings of loss and anger about not having more.
please seek counseling.
M.T. answers from Norfolk on January 25, 2010
From reading your entry I can truly understand why your husband doe not want to have another child. If he is 46, by the time the child graduates from high school, hubby will be 64-65 years old.
I know that I would not want to be taking care of and looking after a newborn when I as close to 50 as your husband.
And, at least he is concerned about finances. That is something that some parents doo not take time to consaider. Just because he has a good job now does not mean that it will always be there.
I have been married for 10 years and have two children. My daughter is 7 and my son is 2. I stay at home with my son.
I think you should try to look at things from your husband's point of view. It is not going to get you anywhere to keep nagging him.
N.B. answers from Washington DC on January 25, 2010
I wish I had a solution to offer you. I feel sad that you are in such a difficult position. I have not gone through the same thing exactly, but I can relate to it. I am 40 myself and have been married three years. We have one child. He will be two soon. I said I wanted two kids. My husband said one would be fine. Now I am feeling the pressure to get pregnant, but I am overwhelmed with the task of caring for another new born, with my toddler still needing so much. My husband is willing to talk about it and I think if I felt as passionate about it as you do, he would support me, but I'm struggling about whether it is the right thing to do for us to have a second child. Are you concerned about your age and the risks of the child having medical problems? Are you concerned about having enough time and energy to give both children 100%? These are some of my worries. Regarding your relationship, maybe you should ask him to go with you to a counselor? Sometimes, it really helps to talk to a neutral third person.BEst wishes.
K.L. answers from Washington DC on January 25, 2010
As a divorce lawyer I can tell you that this kind of dynamic can tear your marriage apart. You really need to seek marital counseling. Suz is right that you should not try to get pregnant against his wishes. But by the same token, he pulled the rug out from under you by promising you more kids before you were married and now refusing to follow through. There are many possible solutions - making your home a magnet for neighborhood kids to play, leaving your husband for someone who wants more kids, or it's possible that he will come around when he realizes how much it means to you. But the bottom line is that you deserve to be happy and you should seek professional help to figure out how to change this situation.
A.B. answers from Washington DC on January 25, 2010
It's unfortunate; but, it does take 2 to make a baby, so he would need to come on board in this case. Maybe you should speak to the heart of the matter. Affirm how great of dad he is with your 3 year old, how the two of you won't live forever, and she would be left alone, and really get to understand his concern about a second child. Try to understand his hesitancy--46, possibly 47 before having a 2nd child is a huge decision to make. He's probably feeling his age and can't imagine having strength to deal with more sleepless nights, lack of privacy, etc. You'll either have to make peace with being blessed with one child, or hope he'll change his mind by helping him overcome his insecurities. But, don't let the decision either way ruin the relationship the two of you have. If you have 1 or 100 children, eventually, they grow up and leave home and the relationship between the two of you must be solid.
S.D. answers from Washington DC on January 29, 2010
I feel for you. I hope to have a second one too. I'm in my mid thirties and I hope this isn't a problem for my husband. Even though he sometimes cringes at the thought of a second one (due to the financial burden). If he said absolutely no, I think it would affect my marriage. I think it has to come down to your decision will you be happy for the rest of your life knowing you wanted more kids and didn't have any and will you start to resent your husband. If he wont have sex with you, how can you force him? It wont work. Its unfair that he said he wanted more before the marriage and has changed his mind. Best of luck to you.