Picking up After Herself

When kids accumulate enough "stuff" simply (with her assistance)pack a bag with some of them and call Sherwood Center to pick it up. She will soon learn the value of her things and others that are less fortunate will be happy. Everyone wins here.
I'm a mother of two beautiful girls who are now in their twenties. One daughter is special needs and my oldest works for Fox News in N.Y.

Try giving her options, she cant keep her room clean whatever you find on the floor,clothes or whatever you take that away from her for a day, and let her know, she needs to take better care of her stuff. Let her know that if she cant take care of her stuff better than you wont be buying her anything else for her birthday or christmas. I know it sounds harsh but it may work. Do the taking the things away first and if that dont work, let her know you wont be buying her anymore things until she learns to take care of them better. You can also say that if the room dont stay clean that you will go clean it and take a trash bag in with you and whatever you find on the floor, it goes in the trash, because she is treating it as such.

I have heard there is a great website called the housefairy.com (or net??) - this goes hand-in-hand with the Flylady.net... I've had friends who have had great results with using her system of routines and use of timers for cleaning up.

Go to flylady.net and find the link for the housefairy!

L., I too am studying for my nursing degree. I am in the Penn Valley Program and loving it. I was previously in a BSN program, but after my mom died and my house burnt down, my grades went down and I was asked to leave. I love this program even though it is not BSN.
My oldest son also did this same thing in his room. He is ADHD and claimed he knew more where everything was better in disarray than orderly. I was never 100% successful--but did find that positive inforcement did help. ie--positive rewards when he complied to my expectations. Also--being able to stay on the soccer team if he kept his room up on a daily basis. That way I was not always shaming him--which would only make for a negative atmosphere. I tried everything and found the positive reinforcement to be most helpful. Hope this helps. Good luck in your nursing. C.

Check out this website:
www.housefairy.org

I've heard alot of good things about this program. It helps you teach your child to be responsible and helps you both to work towards a common goal. It helps your child establish routines to clean up without making you the bad guy.
I don't work for this group nor do I have children (yet!) but I have plenty of friends who do have kids and they swear by this system. Check it out for yourself.

I, too, have had a hard time as an adult keeping a clean house as my mom always cleaned up after me as a kid. Here are a few suggestions that I have heard since having kids...

1) Someone already mentioned going to flylady.net and looking for the house fairy. I haven't used the house fairy yet, but flylady is WONDERFUL!

2) Does she get an allowance? Tell her you can pick up her trash, but you charge $1 to do it (etc, etc)

3) Does she have too much stuff in her room? One thing the flylady stresses is that less stuff is easier to clean up after. Maybe she can go through some stuff and get rid of some things.

4) I have also heard of people who have bagged everything up and made their kids earn it back with good results.

Good luck!

I'm going to be point-blank because I used to deal with the same thing. Your daughter doesn't have a problem. She makes a huge mess and you clean up after her. My solution was 1) I stopped cleaning up after her 2) I started a chore list with a reward system 3) I implemented consequences (no TV, no friends, whatever it is, it has to hurt). If she has no freedom/privileges for a while and lived in a disaster zone for a bit, I'd be willing to bet that she'll get tired of it soon. Good luck!

Oh my gosh, I could have written this myself. We have struggled with room cleaning since my daughter was 4! My daughter is 8 now, and honestly, we tried everything listed above. The only things that can get her to clean her room is when she REALLY wants something.I have decided that cleaning her room is not important to her right now. She will sit in it all day and play rather than clean it. I've tried taking everything but her clothes out, and earning things back. She really just doesn't care and would rather be grounded. My perception of a clean room has come from seeing a few of my friend's kids whose rooms are always clean. I have come to terms with the fact that this is not a battle I am willing to take on anymore. I was a messy child and I am not as an adult. I now make her clean it once a month really good, and then reward her for it, and the rest of the days(starting with the following day after cleaning) I shut the door, so I don't have to look at it. That helps alot! I just laugh when I show people my daughters endless mess. I read in an article one time, that kids will start to worry about those things when it becomes necessary, such as friends sleeping over. I have decided that it is not worth the struggle anymore. It has made my life and hers that much stress free. She is really good about helping me do my housework, so its not that shes lazy. I have now implemented daily FUN chores with all 4 of my kids and they get excited about picking up.
Letting go of this being important to me was a hard thing to do, but I am glad I did now. I've come to terms with the fact that I can have a spotless house when all of my kids are grown and moved out, but then I will just be left with a quiet, lonely and clean house,how fun is that???
Take care and good luck,
T.

Hi!! Wow, does this sound familiar. Or used to, anyway. I simply expect my daughter's help now, and when we jump in together, it's really quite fun, and she loves the end result. This may have been mentioned in someone else's response, but as I didn't have time to read them all, I just want to suggest: www.housefairy.org. Give it a try. It works miracles!!

You just have to STAY on top of her & you might have to stop giving to get it. Take away some of those nice things that she likes/ like to do. Your going to have a tuff time because it's a late start but better late then never. Good luck & God Bless!

We all learn different things at different times, check with Growing Child (it's on line ) for more developmental suggestions. If you can get the fight out of it that could help. Can you do it with her, make it a pick up game, how long does this take and set a timer, or can you make a basket in one try. Or we have this much time to spend and if we don't get the room done soon enough we won't have much time for TV, computer, etc. If you do this last one remember to stay objective - oh shoot I was hoping we could do.....but we're out of time,maybe tomorrow we can do it faster, or maybe we can do something tonight so it won't take so long tomorrow.
Usually the more relaxed the M. the more cooperative the kid. Good luck.
Nelda C
M. of 5 almost grown kids, musician, teacher.

I'm laughing because you sound like me, my mother, and her mother....it's a common thread in families. Here is my suggestion...I won't tell you what to do...but I will give you the foundation to build on: make her behavior cost her more than she is willing to pay. Until you do...you sound just like the teacher in Charlie Brown's classroom. "Bwhaaa whaaa waa bwha waaa." She is hearing nothing. When her actions cost her more than she is willing to pay to ignore you...she will change. You know her. You know what motivates her and what she really gets excited about. Raise the price of her negative behavior high enough and she makes a personal decision to change; in other words...a connection between behavior and consequence is learned. The problem here is many parents aren't willing to be consistent or go high enough to create the catalyst for change in their children....especially at an early enough age when the 'cost' is far less than what it will be later in the child's life. Good for you, Mom!!!

What this teaches children is accountability for their own behavior. An example is the seatbelt law. A lot of people jumped right on that 'suggestion' from the beginning. As the years rolled by, and it became 'the law', those who jumped on board at the 'suggestion' were fully in the habit and had no problem with 'the law'. Others, for what ever reason, decided to take their chances, until the price for ignoring 'the law' went up. I had to get 3 warnings with the promise of a ticket 'the next time' before I took a hard look at what this meant. Was I really willing to pay $100 fine just because I didn't like wearing a seat belt? Needless to say, I am a habitual seatbelt wearer now. Human nature. It became clear to me that the price for driving without a seatbelt was more than I was willing to pay.

Hope this helps...BTW, I have a 50 year old man who still can't clean up after himself....some dogs ARE too old to learn new tricks. Stay on it, Mom.

Please read the commentary I put out to all parents about the Natural Child Project. It should be under the sub-Head "Requests and Responses" dated March 17th or 18th.
Thanks, M. N.

Have you tired a chart? A chart of things you want her to do every night before she goes to bed? If she does them at the end of the week she get a reward (allowance or something small). If she doesn't, then you take things away (game boys, dolls, computer time). I also explain to my 8 year old that it is part of his job to help me with the things he can. I don't expect him to do the laundry, but I do expect him to put the dirty clothes in the hamper,make his bed, put aways his toys..etc. If he doesn't then I leave it there. When he ask if he can go outside or play his games - I tell him to clean his room first. Good luck! It's not too early to teach her responsibility - especially as a single Mom!

Hi L.,

Well hers my 1st piece of advice:
1) you and her go through her things in her room and when you do you are gonna pick up each item and ask 1 of three things about and see where it follows in these catorgories, they are A) don't want it =trash or good will or something similar B) don't use it = trash or good will C) don't need it= trash or good will. And then the things she does want all have a place to be put at and where it belongs. Now once you get everything gone through you may find that you need to go buy some tubs or maybe some little baskets for shoes or whatever.
The next part is she has to keep her room clean everyday and if she doesn't then there are consequences, no going anywhere, maybe no favorite show, whatever. Every kid has currency figure out what hers is and then you have something to work with.
I have 4 children and it takes all of us to keep our house work, it's team work. We do a 20 minute house clean every night where everyone is doing something to help, W.

I have been going through the same thing with my 7 year old son. I am a single mother of two boys, 7 and 10. My youngest was accustomed to myself or my 10 yr old cleaning the room for him. (they share a room) I got fed up with this and started taking things that he loves the most. I would take away his Heelys and Game Boy for a week. Some may think that this is "mean", but it worked. I also explained to him that "you" can relax & sleep better in a clean room. And also, that "you" would have more room to play. He has improved so much, but he's still a work in progress. By the way, I also at one point started throwing away books, papers, crayons, and toys that he refused to pick up. Hope this will help. Good Luck!

I highly recommend the book by Lisa Whelchel (sp?) I think the name is Creative Discipline. Sorry to be so vague. I will know it when I see it... It is on my list of books to buy. My sons are moving into the age of Mom needs to continue doing everything for me b/c I don't want to do it for myself. I know that can be such a struggle, already it makes me want to throw up my arms and walk away! I have heard several good things about it from people who have read it and read some excerpts myself. She's got some good ideas to keep you from going nuts!
Also, Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin LeMan. Wish you the best! Don't give up, she's worth it!

I think having her earn the things back is the best way to learn direct consequences at that age. Give her a chance, tell her she has a week to clean it and then after that tell her things will go into a 'holding' period where she can earn them back. The most important thing is that you keep the communication up-tell her she is doing a great job when she is or bring her home a little surprise if she has done a good job that week of keeping it clean. And be compromising, in terms of give her a break sometimes. Like if she forgot a few things one day-put them in a pile and say Im letting these go for now but remember....and remind her why it is important to learn this skill. My man is a clean freak and it has alwyas caused us problems that I dont pick up after myself more and it has always bothered me that it doenst come more easily to me as an adult. Not that I suggest this but my mom used to take all of our stuff that was left out, including our wallets, and make us buy it back!

First off - quit fighting with her about it! It is falling on deaf ears I can assure you! Obviously there is no consequence or at least not one that bothers her enough to change her behavior. What we do at our house is straight out of love and logic...I don't nag. I don't have to because it doesn't hurt me for these things to not get done. Our rule is if you don't have your things done then don't ask...don't ask to be taken anywhere, don't ask to go to friend's houses or have them over, etc. I don't argue or yell or negotiate...it's simple. If they haven't done their part in keeping our house clean then I do not entertain them or any ideas they have about going anywhere or doing anything. You can find love and logic books, videos, and audio cd's etc. at your local library and some places have classes even - check churches too. I wish I had known how well those tips work. Mental Health professionals use a lot of these basics as do a lot of teachers I know. It does really cut battles down and make you and your daughter's communication a lot better! Good luck! And whatever you do...just stick with it!

(Also, kuddos on being in school and working towards your degree - best of luck there too)
:)

L.,

I had a friend that started picking EVERYTHING up off the floor & made her earn 1 thing back at a time by doing extra chores & keeping her room picked up. Good luck

Here is what i would I'm a mom of a 4 yr old boy and 1yr old girl.My son has picked up his toy's since He was lil it was something we did together at first and sang a song now that he's in preschool he does it just by me asking him to, ya there is still time's where it is a struggle but when it is then he loses a privelage.Anyway make it a weekend or a week to get her on track if not take away privelages that she doesn't need like TV they really don't need it but take it away,tell her that she is resposible for her thing's she is old enough to help out at least with her thing's.One thing that has helped me out with my son who can be as stubborn as they come is not to yell talk to them and tell them what you expect from them. You'll get load's of advice on this one.

I didn't read all of your responses, but I do the "earn it back" thing. If my 4 year old won't pick up all his toys I calmly get a trash bag and tell him I will pick up his toys. The trash bag means the toys are going out into the garage. This is all it takes to get him to pick up his toys, because I have brought bags of toys out in the garage and made him earn them back. It has been well over a year since I have had to do it, but I he knows I will do it again if I have to.

If you would've seen my room growing up, oh goodness, you probably would've had a heart attack. I think it's just how some kids are. Now I'm married with my own family and house and I'm a complete neat-freak. Nothing can be out of place, I hate clutter, etc.. I think she'll outgrow it. And if not, hey, she has to live with it, not you. Just close the door! :)

I have two daughters; one that likes things perfectly perfect and the other that...well doesn't. There are self made consequesences to having a messy room. My 8 year old had lost her library book in her messy room and suffered the consequences at school that week and decided to clean up her room to look for it, there are more examples like this one. I guess I wonder why you choose to make this a mountain in your lives right now? You are working full time And going to school And raising a daughter alone. Your plate is Full! She will learn by your example.

Kids these days have so much "stuff" and it's all disposable to them, if it is broken or taken away, it will be replaced with yet another object that they have. Perhaps if you took all but one toy, and one set of clothes out of her room and only give her one thing at a time it would remove the reason for arguing everyday. It will also help her to understand the importance of taking care of what she has. When she picks up her only toy and puts it away she may "Exchange" it for a different one. When she puts her dirty laundry in the hamper she may receive another outfit. I know this sounds drastic but take it from a mother of a slobby little girl, you are right in wanting to alter her behavior now.. My daughter was a slob until she turned 34! Sometimes the only way to alter their behavior is to alter ours. GOOD LUCK

I've raised 3 daughters to adulthood and have one 7 year old daughter still at home. I know this well and it's going to be an on going problem for a long time. At times you will feel like a broken record and you will doubt you are making any headway at all. There will be tears at times. Sometimes they will be hers when you take something away or lose your temper and other times they will be yours from sheer frustration. But trust me when I say that she will surprise you. None of my girls ever turned a new leaf long while living at home. But as adults they keep their apartments very clean and they are very responsible on the jobs. I guess if I had a choice between ruling with an iron hand at home and having them keep their homes in disgusting shape from some sort of defiance and have a bad attitude on the job, or the alternative which we have, then I'd rather just have what we have now. I lecture, remind, lecture, remind. I often try and tie her cleaning into proving responsibility before they can have something they really want. But as soon as they get that thing their new leaf is usually forgotten. Just never give up. You are teaching them some very valuable lessons in the never giving up part. Of course, be the good example and make sure you are doing what you ask of her :) Sometimes we forget how much we can teach through example alone.

Suzi

Um, why would she worry about cleaning her room when she's got a mom that does it for her? Do you know what I mean? You have to let her handle her issues, and deal with the consequence.

I would tell her that she has one week to practice keeping her room clean. Then if it was still a problem, I would go in and clean it out--if she has so much stuff she can't keep it put away, then she just has too much stuff period. And I would get rid of a whole bunch of stuff--keep it if you want and let her earn it back, or just be rid of it. Either way, SHE needs to learn to take care of it, not you. Quit making up for her--you have only taught her that she can be a slob and mom fixes it. That is not what you want :D

A.

Ask yourself this question: what will happen if my daughter doesn't clean her room? I can answer that for you: nothing. Just close her door don't bother yourself... you have enough of your own stuff to worry about!

Try to remember that all kids are different temperments. Some kids are "neatniks" and others are "messies". If your kid is a messie, she may be that way forever and grow into a responsible, loving, messy adult.

If you really want her to clean, tell HER to pick the one day (same day every week) that is "clean-up" day. Afterward, she can have a reward, like you two paint nails together, or watch a special movie, or play Twister, or whatever. THis way she has some control of the situation and it is more like her decision rather than yours, although you are actually accomplishing what you want. If she doesn't clean her room she doesn't get the reward and she can't earn it until the following week on that same day.

Once again I would say, pick your battles. Show your daughter that her attitude, manners, honesty, etc. is more important than being able to see her floor. And when all else fails, use a garbage bag while she sleeps. That's what we do.

Do you have a reward chart that rewards her for her good behavior? I have 4 children ages...11,9,4 and 3 2 girls and 2 boys!
I will tell you that I think that girls are a bit more stubborn when it comes to everything!!!! You have to reward ANY good deed...the more you notice and respond to her little things the more she will crave to get that response!
I have a reward chart for my kiddos and they love it!
They earn stars for each daily chore they complete and earn extra if they do it on their own!!! The stars have levels of completion...so depending on the amount of stars by Friday...we sit down and count them and talk about how they did and what they needed to work on!
The stars decide the level of activity prize! and the amount of Allowance!!!
IT WORKS!!! YOU just have to stick to it!!!
Hope that helps!!!!
T. G

Yeah, my 7-year-old is messy, too. She can put her dirty clothes NEAR the hamper and NEXT to the hamper and even ON the hamper but not actually IN the hamper...

Here's what worked for us. I mostly gave up the fight for keeping her room clean. It's her room and if she wants to live in a landfill, that's up to her. However, I did stick to two rules:

1) she MUST cleanup after herself in the rest of the house, and
2) she MUST get her room clean before company comes over.

To enforce this rule, I explained to her that cleaning up after herself is her job, not mine. If I have to do her job, she pays me out of her allowance. I then explained how much I charged for each task.

The first time I charged her $1.50, she shouted about the unfairness of it all but she usually picks up after herself in the rest of the house now. And she always cleans her room before company.

Good luck!!!

my son had that problem until I started throwing his things away, and I dont mean hiding them in the basement. After the second time his toys and clothes were hauled to the curb and thrown away, he began to clean his own room.

It doesnt always stay clean, but it is an effective tool.

It's a control issue Mom. I think she is winning. Have you taken away some of her privleges and or tv, computer etc. times? Maybe she needs some incentive like you will fix her dinner when she has picked up-not perfect just up and somewhat neat and a path to get around the room. Show her how to help you with the laundry ( I am sure she can place the clothes by colors and where the jeans go) and do homework together. She may not feel there is enough time for her and you may feel there is no time for anything! Work as a team and see if that takes you someplace special. Now that she has your attention with the messy room. Can she fix something for dinner like two bowls of cereal with a beautiful candle in the middle of the table-ask het if you can do the lighting so she does not have to worry about getting burned. Good luck and I know your team will do great!