Any Single or Married Moms Help Me

I have two daughters, ages 10 and 12, that share a very messy room. I don't allow friends over until their room is clean. This seems to work the majority of the time. When things get really bad and they have been told 1,000 times to clean their room if they don't clean then I clean. I have no problem cleaning up their room as I have several garbage bags in hand. I have thrown away many things, usually junk that they love to collect! They know I mean business when I say that I'll clean. Good luck.

I don't think it's in the grasp of a 9 year old to keep a clean room. I suggest that you don't allow her to eat except at the table, and then help her remember to thow her trash away, and clear her dishes, right along with you.

At nine, I found my kids were able to learn a few household tasks that they liked and do them well. One unloaded the dishwasher and they both were great at doing their laundry at that age.

You gather more flies with honey and some nine year olds love to power struggle. So, I wouldn't get angry about this. I'd just let her realize the consequences (can't eat in my room since I leave trash behind) and take the clean room project one step at a time.

I have the same problem, so I go in with a garbage bag and take everything on the floor. If it is clothes, I wash it and put it in a box. My children are not allowed anything I have to take away. This has left them with little clothes, toys, etc. When all their stuff is gone, they begin to find a way to clean it up. I also give them an allowance, but they have to buy their things back from me and I tell them, if I find them on the floor again, I double the price to get it back. This has seemed to help.

Boy, if my housekeeping was held to the same standards and punishments being offered here I'd definitely be missing some prized possessions and birthday parties!! Sometimes life gets in the way and I will choose people over things/cleaning every time. In fact, I'm presently delaying some housework and choosing to respond to this- I can only imagine being a child where life is still so new, full and exciting how difficult it would be to prioritize room cleaning on any consistent basis.

In our home we strive to live by principles instead of rules, and to inspire internal motivation through joyful modeling instead of external motivation through punishment. The primary principles we live by are Joy, Trust, Respect, Connection and Kindness. When I desire my children's rooms to be cleaner, I joyfully clean it and may invite them to join which they often do. Sometimes they want their rooms cleaned and ask me for help which of course I do. I trust as I model housekeeping as a positive, enjoyable thing, they will come to appreciate that and adopt those values into their lives as well.

how about some positive reinforcement? Keep your room clean all week and mom and daughter can go out to lunch on the weekend or to jamba juice etc... for my children they earn marbles- they equal 10 cents each and after they saved so much I take them shopping. Our counselor recommended never to take a marble out of the good jar but rather have a naughty jar and they can then do something good and we take it out of the naughty jar an dinto the good jar. GOod Luck!

Have you tried breaking it down into a checklist? I know that when I was nine telling me to "clean my room" was too abstract. Even as an adult I find general tasks like "clean the kitchen" overwhelming. If I break it down into smaller pieces -- sweep floor, wipe off table, wash dishes...you get the idea -- it's a lot more manageable. Maybe if you and your daughter set up "clean your room" as "throw away trash", "dirty clothes in hamper", "make bed", et cetera, you might have better luck.

Oh, and one more thing: while my cleaning and organizing skills hardly qualify me for the Homemaker of the Year award, I find leading by example to be most effective. My four-year-old started putting away her own clothes -- granted, they're wadded up and usually stuffed into the wrong drawers, but it's a start -- about the time that I made a conscious effort to put away clean laundry on a per-load basis, instead of letting it pile up.

Hi L.,

I have the same problem with my now 12 year old, she has never been very good at keeping her room neat. Rather than fight constantly and make life miserable, I decided to give her some space. We agreed that she can keep her room however she wants during the week, but on Saturday's she MUST clean (by clean I mean pick up garbage and sort clothes and put clean clothes away). This has worked as she now feels that she has her own "space" and we are giving her that respect...she has also started to decorate it any way she wants, and is keeping it neater all the time!

Good luck, and just remember, they grow up really fast so appreciate every day, and don't sweat the small stuff.

M.

Hello L.,

What i do to my two kids is there room has to clean, not perfect. If I find toys or clothes on the floor before bed time I take a garbage bag in there and put the stuff in the bag. I put the bag in my closet for a month then if I don't have to pick up anything else then I will give them the bag back. When I started this I made sure they had enough totes and shelves for there stuff. Now there are somethings aloud on the floor, as long as they are out of the way of the dresser and closet and bed. I do give them about an hour warning before bed time and then again 15 min before bedtime so that they have time to pick it up.

B.

Hi L.,
I have two children, one that's a neat freak to the point of distraction and another who leaves a trail wherever he goes! I finally got tired of being his maid, so I taught him how to do his laundry and made him start cooking dinner one to two nights a week (He just turned 12). He is not allowed food in his room anymore.

He doesn't cook without supervision and it is never anything fancy...usually hot dogs or eggs, but he is learning to contribute to the family as well as being responsbile for himself.

He is still not the neatest kid, but he is getting better. I don't budge when he runs out of socks and underwear and he has had to stay home because he didn't bother to do his laundry earlier in the week. When he had to wash all his clothes because he couldn't tell the difference between clean and dirty, he started hanging up his clean clothes AND he doesn't throw the clothes that he took out and changed his mind about wearing in the hamper anymore!

The more responsibilities he takes on, the more I give him. He even went out and shoveled the driveway without being asked last week! He is beginning to show pride in himself and his accomplishments, so If he never becomes a neat freak that's ok!

Good luck, R.

It's your house and you have the right to require a certain amount of cleanliness and hygiene. But this is normal kid behavior. Just make sure there are consequences to not living up to the family standards. "You can't go to the movie/mall/sleepover/basketball game with your friends if your room isn't clean. Once it's clean you can go."

Rest assured they usually grow out of this in the latter half of the teen years. My grown daughter is a meticulous housekeeper and she was a huge SLOB!

when my kids were younger and didn't clean up their stuff, I told them that if I had to do it, whatever I picked up would be gone. put it in a garbage bag or whatever and hide it from her for a while! you will see a change if she can't find her favorite clothes, toys, belongings!

Take it from a Gramma, just close the door. suggest that she invite her friends over for a visit, if her friends make comments as to her messy room she will most definitly keep it cleaner. Until then, unless it starts oozing out into the rest of the house, just close the door, there are more important battles ahead of you. You may also put her in charge of her own laundry (she's old enough) She obviously knows just how to push your buttons or she may just be trying to get your attention, so just quit making it an issue and close the door.

Can you come up with an incentive plan for keeping her room clean? I will not let the kids eat food in their room. If she sneaks popsicles when you are not looking...stop buying them. I would also tell her that she needs to start helping with laundry, otherwise she won't have any clean clothes to wear to school.

go for the drastic shock factor. take everything out of her room. i mean everything. put it all on the floor or boxes somewhere else. Tell her if she doesn't respect what is given to her she will get nothing. my dad did this to my brother and it worked like a charm

I have a 7-year old stepdaughter who used to be a SLOB. She never cleaned her room (daddy did it for her before me). But that's not OK in my house!

First we went through her stuff and together we got rid of stuff she didn't need or didn't play with. I let her sell it and earn some extra $$. She had too many things.

We banned food except water in a closed container in her room. I unplugged the cable to her TV.

Then I helped her organize everything into bins with labels. Like one mom said, telling her to "clean her room" was too abstract. She'd get confused because she didn't know what to do first. I needed to help her (but only to tell her what to do, not do it for her). I stand in the middle and direct her. We put on music to make it fun and I set a timer (or else she'd take all day).

I tell her anything that's not put away when the timer goes off gets thrown away. I stand in the middle with a garbage bag so she can throw anything away. Whenever she picks up an object I say "keep or throw away?" If she wants to throw it away she puts it in the bag. If she wants to keep it she has to find a place for it. We do this every night as her before bed routine.

When the timer goes off I walk around and start to pick up objects not put away. I move slowly because she'll often grab it and put it away (I let her do this).

She's commented herself that she loves it when her room is clean so she can relax! I also try to keep the house clean so I'm setting a good example. It's hard to tell her to clean her room when I have junk lying around the house too.

We also have the House Fairy come (www.housefairy.org) and she leaves a surprise (a $1.00 toy) if her room is clean. But we haven't needed that since we made cleaning it part of her routine and your daughter is probably too old to believe in the House Fairy.

The funny thing is my stepdaughter's room is VERY CLEAN at our house and we don't have to yell or punish. It's totally trashed at her mom's house and they are always yelling at her, grounding her and such there for it.

She even vacuums and dusts her room at our house, I'm sure she doesn't do that at her mom's.

It's not always the child, but how you help them and raise them. At our house we make a big deal about how she's contributing to our family. We have even shown her how her doing her jobs help us, she does all her chores at our house with a smile and we reward her with hugs and smiles and we play family games.

I have the same problem with my girls. THey share a room and have the run of the upstairs which is as long as our house. I have been over and over this same thing. you know what we are doing? I am hiring a professional organizer since I no longer have time for doing this with having a 5 year old with Autism. She is reasonable and i a am sick of this, and I have done all the things you have done and it just keeps up. They are 10 and 13. And with the clothes thing, oh my gosh. Socks, underwear, bras, and even underwear with a pad still attached. can we say gross? Come on now. With all the clothes I use to say, if it is on the floor, it does not get washed since I already did the laundry and they would wear it dirty after picking it up and putting it away, but now, I have them do the laundry when this happens and they have to do ours too so as to not waste water and electricity on doing their clothes only that they could not get into the hamper to be washed. Come on, they are old enough. I have tried everything and it goes back to the same thing again and again.
S. Bailey CLD
Aurora
www.tendermomentsdoula.com

Please look up what I wrote about this to other mom, if you have any Qs e-mail me and I will be glad to help.

Her room should be her own space. If she doesn't mind having it a mess...that's OK. I let my kids keep their room a mess until Saturday and then the rule is Saturday you clean up your room. They can't do anything on the weekend until their room is clean. That way it doesn't get to become a horrible mess and she also has her own space. Don't allow food in her room if possible you don't want a problem with bugs. If you have a neat house she will probably take after you when she gets older. This way you only have to confront her on her room once a week. Get her a cute hamper for her clothes....maybe that will inspire her to pick up a little. Give her lots of hugs, they grow up so fast!!!

L.-

I am sure it is frustrating. Have you tried not giving her the items she leaves in her room? Or perhaps asked her to be your helper? I am not sure if the second idea would work for a 9 year old, but it always works with my 4 year old. I think you might also keep the TV out permanently and let her earn it back by keeping the room clean regularly.

Good luck!

M.

Make it a game. Make a chart in her room with all of the chores listed in detail and go over it with her. The first time, do it with her so that she knows what you expect. Then reward her accordingly. If she likes going places then advise her that if she does not do this, then she will not be able to do what she wants to do and STICK TO THAT!!!

I have a now 13 year old and he was the same way about that age (maybe a bit older)... until there was a skating party that EVERYONE was going to be at. He had advised them all that he would be there as well and had even made arrangements for me to take him and his friends and the other parent was to pick up. when he finally advised me (YES- ADVISED LOL) I just replied.. "I'm sorry that you did not mention this sooner but since you have not been keeping your room clean, you are not able to go. And you will need to call your friend and let them know this."

I never had another issue! I think the realization of responsibility along with consequenses for your actions really hit home.. Now he realizes that in order to get what he wants, he must work for it. My mother instilled this acumen in me and it is still true today in the professional world.

Good luck!

I have a 10-year-old who had the same problem. She gets an allowance which we tend to forget about. If her room is clean, we remember more easily. She recently decided she wanted to earn some extra money so she has worked hard to keep her room clean. Maybe you could give her some simple tasks to begin with like make your bed each day. Then add on other tasks-don't overwhelm her and make her do it all at once. My husband and I often help our girls when their rooms are a disaster. This gives us extra time with them and we do it with no stresses attached. They get more done this way and we help them get rid of things they might have otherwise stuck under the bed or in a closet. Good luck!

Spanking and punishing her are NOT good ideas. The only thing that really works is Positive Reinforcement -- which means that when she does what a tiny bit of what you want, you praise her and give her loving attention. Whatever you give attention to (positive or negative) will grow... You are in control -- good luck loving her and encouraging good behavior :) She will model what she sees in you!

Well you need to put a few rules in place first off. No food, drinks, or candy in her room. Then she has to pick her room up every night before she goes to bed.

Every night go in before she lays down to go to sleep and stand there while she picks up her room. If there is food, cups, or wrappers of any kind then punish her. If you have to give her a spanking every night, then so be it. Those are the consequences for not following the rules. She will get it eventually. And she will know you are serious if you are always consistent.

I'm thinking that maybe you aren't consistent with the rules and consequences so she figures she will gamble and see if she can get away with it each time. If you aren't consistent then they will start to roll the dice. It's a power play.

Now I'm seeing a few things from your post:

1.) Do some research on the net and you will find that studies show allowing a child to have a tv in their room is a huge mistake. It allows them to watch way too much tv and often leads to children not getting enough sleep. And if you have cable, you can't monitor what she watches...

And if there isn't a tv then she will be less tempted to eat in there.

2.) I notice that you list popsicle papers and cany wrappers. Don't buy the junk and she won't eat it in her room. Seriously no junk. She doesn't need it and neither does anyone including yourself. Encourage healthy eating by only buying candy or treats on special occassions or once a week like a Friday night when the two of you can have a movie night in front of the tv in your livingroom together.

Finally if you don't tuck her in at night and she goes to bed on her own, I will still go in and check her room at night before you go to bed. If it isn't picked up then, gently take the covers off, pick her up out of the bed and tell her she has to pick up her room before she go back to sleep. The room has to be picked up every night before she lays down...Period.

That's how I do it and it works pretty well. I've been doing that since my girls started walking. They pick up their toys while supper if finishing up. Then they pick up their rooms when they go up to get their jammies on. Then their father goes in to read to them and he's supposed to look over the room and make sure clothes are in the hamper and toys are put away. (now getting him to remember to do that is another story...he's worse than the girls).

So you have been in my kids' room. Hmm. I have the exact problem. I have tried rewards, taking things away. I also did the piles on the beds thing but then it just went back on the floor. I got tried of washing clean clothes (my kids must have the cleanest clothes around) again and again. I started throwing things out. When they saw their things in the garbage it got them going but then back where we started. I gave instructions this morning that I better not see any clothes on the floor when I get home. I am sure there will be stuff. I do make them fold their clothes and they are responsible for putting them away-which is where the clothes end up on the floor. You would think that if the dresser has 3 drawers, they would not just use 1. I have started this week to take things and put them in a bag and place them in a locked room in the basement. I cannot afford to keep throwing out clothes etc with the way things are now. I will be "hitting" their room this weekend. If is not where it belongs, then it gets locked away. I figure eventually the room will be empty. lol
As a note, my husband and I both think one of the reasons we have this problem is because all 3 share the same room. Though I think one will always have a super messy room-with candy wrappers, craft things etc all over the place.

As a therapist and a Mom I know how frustrating this can be. First there should be a no food in the room rule. It should be in the kitchen and that's it. This will help in many ways. Next I think a tv in the room is not the best idea. It does not encourage family togetherness and certainly doesnt' seem to be helping with the clean room.
I also feel spanking is not the best at any age but especially the older they get. No one wins when physical punishments are used. You feel guilty she only feels the pain of the moment but it is not a long lasting problem solver. I recommend closing the door but have a set day of the week that the room needs to be cleaned. I think that it is okay for a 9 year old to have some mess. They are getting to the age they want some control over their space. However setting limits and not doing her laundry is a great idea. Teach her how to do it. Have her come up with ideas as well on how she can better manage her space. Helping her to organize so she knows where to put everything may help.
But remember messes at this age are normal. The stress you feel as a parent of a child this age is normal. Pick your battles or you will find you are always fighting and not enjoying what your daughter brings to your life.
Good luck.

Closing the door is a good idea. I have given up. My boys rooms are always a mess. I decided unless I was going to clean it up I would not worry about it. I request the rooms be cleaned once a week. Sometimes it happens sometimes it doesn't.Don't get stressed over this. Life is short.

This may sound harsh, but sit her down and tell her that ANYTHING she leaves laying around, you are going to take away.
Then, stick to it. Follow through is the key! They have to know you are serious. When she has one outfit to wear, she may think differently.

my daughter was the same way so i told her that if she cant keep it clean i would throw it away!!! so i started going in her room with a garbage bag and throw away whatever she had laying on the floor then i would hide it but let her believe i threw it out soon after she started keeping it clean.

I have a 14 yr old & an 11 yr old.
Both still the same thing.
Does not matter what I do repainted made a "big boy room for the 11 y.o. Does not faze either of them. Yesterday I was so fustrated with all the stuff on my 14 y.o. daughters floor I took it all and piled it upon her bed, she had no choice but to pick it up & put it away, no bed no sleep!
She was mad at me! But I think it put it in her face that now she realized how much "stuff" was on her floor.
I tell them both that if they leave anything on the floor anywhere in the house new or old I will toss it in the garbage, don't care what it is. I know it sounds a little mean but I am tired of picking up after them. I hope I was able to help you a little, just knowing you are not alone.

Talk to her(not AT her, it took me a few years to learn the difference) about why you feel that is is important that her room stays clean. Don't sound angry or judgemental when you are talking. Tell her why it is important to you, e.g. cleanliness, not wanting to reclean clothes because soda is spilled on it, dangerous for her to walk through the room difficulties with finding favorite sweater, list everything you can. Then, the really hard part, ask her why she finds it hard to clean it or keep it clean. Listen to her, does she not have enough room in the drawers for all of her clean clothes? Does she not have enough time to clean up? Is it so overwhelming that she doesn't know where to start? from there you should be able to work out a plan of action. Make sure that her suggestions and ideas are part of the plan, the more she is involved with the resolution, the more she will be willing to try. Give her time to implement the changes that you have both agreed to. If she is having a problem with doing it, discuss changesthat she needs to make to the plan, support don't judge, don't get angry. Good luck, this is going to be a process to be implemented, be patient.

No food or drinks in the bedroom! That's will start the clean-up process. Next, take away her t.v. or favorite toy things until she picks up her clothes and does not, ever, throw them on the floor. She has to hang up the clean and put the dirty in the hamper. Remember that you're the boss, not her. Don't give in. Have her spend time in her room alone, no friends, no nothing but time to think about how she's becoming a dirty slob at only 9 years old.(sorry for the harsh words but sometimes that's what they need to understand)

It sounds like you have tried all the normal negative disciplinary measures, now it's time to try some positive ones. Tell her you'll raise her allowance if she keeps her room clean. Another idea is to have 2 jars; one marked "Clean Room" & one marked "Not Clean". Then each time you walk in her room & it's clean put either her favorite candy or money (which ever is more motivating for her) in the "Clean Room" jar. If you walk in her room & it's messy than take the item from the "Clean Room" jar & put it in the "Not Clean" jar. When she sees the 2 jars side by side it gives her a visual comparison of her behavior. If threatening & punishment aren't going to be a motivational tool for her than you need to find another method. I hope these ideas help.

Just a suggestion..........with my daughter; I got so frustrated with her that I took the door OFF of her room!! She hated that she didn't have any privacy. When the room was clean the door went back on......pretty simple.....and it's not hard to take it the door off...and IF she hates it, all you have to do is threaten her with it!

Pick up what is on the floor and throw it out. Do not replace it. Let her know that if the clean up is left up to you, some of her favorite things may be thrown out. What she believes is important is only known to her. If it's important she'll put it in the proper place.
(Moms don't really throw out the clothes, but make them unavailable for her to use. As she picks up, sneak them back into the drawers or closet)
She will want to keep things, so she will keep them in their place or lose them.

I understand where you are comeing from. My mom just let me keep my room as I wanted. When I didnt have any clothes then that was my problem. I would not allow food or drink in her room anymore. the reward system is a good idea. help her clean her room to show her how you would like to see it and then set the guid lines for the reward system based on that. I hope that this helps.
C.

Have you tried a rewards based system? For example, check her room daily and each time something is out of place, take something of value to her for a period of time. When she cleans the room, reward her with an item back. Also, set a designated day for cleaning and require her to participate (like do it as a family.) Make it fun, music, etc.

I will admit that when I was a teenager I was a bit on the sloppy side. Until my parent's had enough of it. I was not allowed outside the house on weekdays unless my homework was done and my room was clean, including my bed made. Was not allowed out on the weekends until my homework was done, my room was clean (including dusting and vacuuming)and my bed was made. If I left something throughout the rest of the house where it didn't belong it ended up on my bed. My parent's were very stict about these rules and it really helped and I knew that they weren't playing around. One day I left without having a clean room because I thought I could get away with it and I came home to find that all of my dresser drawers had been dumped on the floor...Let's just say, I learned my lesson.
Today, I am a clean freak. I hate clutter, dust, and dirt. My house is very clean and organized. I guess I have my parent's to thank for it.
Lay down the law and enforce it constantly.
Good Luck!
J.

First of all I told my kids no food or drinks (except a water bottle) is allowed in the room. I went through the same thing. The clothes werent put in the hamper and toys were everywhere. I stopped bothering my daughter and stopped yelling about it. When a friend would call her I would tell her no friends over because your room is a mess. She couldnt find anything, and I just let it get messier and messier. It finally dawned on her the day she woke up for school and yelled at me because she had no clean clothes. Well,I wasnt going to pick them up off the floor to wash them. If she wants clean clothes and ffriends over, clean your room. So bottom line, keep her door shut so you dont have to look at it and dont say anything about it for a while. Eventually she will realize she needs to clean up. If not just get a garbage bag and pile it in there until she decides to clean. Good luck

I have a 9 yr old and have had the same trouble. What I usually do if she does not clean up her room is clean it myself. But, my way of cleaning is getting a great big garbage bag and throwing everything on the floor away, with the exception of her clothes. This gets her to clean her room real fast and put all her things away where they belong because she certainly does not want her items to be thrown out in the trash.

Take a chill pill mom! No need to get so stressed out that you hit your kid. She's only 9 years old and you could die tomorrow. Do you really want her to remember you like this? Do you really want to live like this?

Ok, so here's my suggestion. Make sure she has a place to put everything. Shelving units, Dressers, covered clothes hampers, etc.

Also, all day long she's in school and has to follow the rules. By leaving her stuff where ever she wants it gives her a feeling of freedom and control over her life.

My kids clean up once in a while and do a great job when they do.

I make their beds every morning because I want them made and it sooooo isn't worth fighting over. The beds are positioned to accommodate a quick flip of the blankets, a toss of the pillows and a smoothing of the blankets (takes literally 1 minute or less). I do it with love and they love seeing the bed made because they know it was done with love.

Happy Parenting!