New Mommy Can't Decide Whether to Quit Job

Hi A., you are right on with your gut feelings. Don't let the other people in your life sway you from what is right. It sounds like you picked a good man to be your husband and your baby's father. It is his job as a man to support his family, and you should let him do that. He will feel great pride in doing so. You are very correct about the fact that daycares cannot possibly care for your baby the way she needs. She needs mommy! You were given a sweet little gift, and it is your job now to care for her, play with her, teach her, and love her all day long. I am just a few years older than you, and grew up in the feminist era as well. When my son was born 6 years ago I had all sorts of people, including my mom, telling me that I should put him in daycare and get a break. I am so glad I didn't ever do that. He is my responsibility, and I have heard way too many horror stories to even think of it. I have since had a baby girl, now 3, and wouldn't change anything about my decision. Your degree will always be there, but now your job is to be "mommy." Think of it this way, your boss can replace you in a second, but you can't be replaced as "mommy." I really don't think it will get easier to leave your baby every day. In fact, as she starts to roll over, crawl, walk, talk, etc., it will get harder because other people will be experiencing those things, sometimes it will be her "firsts", and they will not get nearly as much joy from it as you would being home with her. I can't imagine if I had to hear from some daycare provider that my little ones took their first steps, said their first words, all of the things that make staying home so worth it. Oh, let me just add that the social interaction thing is a crock. My kids get social interaction from parks, play groups, neighbor friends and family. There is a study out there, and forgive me for not knowing it completely off hand, but it shows that children in daycare release certain hormones that cause them to behave, for lack of a better term, wildly, and thus causing them to be diagnosed ADD/ADHD, and put on drugs to be tolerable. But kids who stay home are far more calm and do better in life. I am not a scientist, and my kids are no angels, but they are certainly not hyper children, and are very social and outgoing. So, I say stick with your mothering instincts and give your baby the gift of YOU. It will be worth it.

I was in the same boat almost completely! MY whole pregnancy, I had the intention of returning to work but the day my little guy was born I was panic stricken anytime I thought about going back to work. And I loved my job. What I finally decided is that while my career and dream job were important to me, life is a long road and your child is only a baby for a short amount of time. There will be other dream jobs. My mom gave me some really good advice...Sometimes we hang on to the ledge so tight that we don't realize how short the drop really is. Listen to your heart, good luck mama.

Go with your heart! Your baby girl needs as many mommy kisses as she can get and if you love the work then do it! Be a SAHM it fab! Yes the social interaction in good for her but at this young age YOU are what is MOST important. Later in a year or two she would benefit from some daycare a day or two a week, but for now if ou think that the social interaction is important join a play group and stay home with your princess! That is what I did and love me choice!

Well, my post probably won't be as harsh as some of the others, but here is what I have to say:

I am the mother to a 17 month old daughter and until 3 months ago, I worked full-time. It worked out ok at the beginning, but then I just knew deep inside I couldn't do it anymore. I had to find another option. I used to really like my job, I had great perks- got to travel, had a lot of coworkers I liked, but I just missed my daughter! So, I put in my notice to quit (even though it was going to REALLY hurt us financially), but my boss begged me to work PT, so I did that for 6 wks, then got laid off. (ha, but it all works out!) Anyway, I would never give up this time for anything now. I am older than you are (turn 30 this yr), but I figure I can get another job another time. Never again will she be a toddler! I don't want to miss this!

As far as interaction, I think that my daughter gets more now than she did before. (though she only ever was with one other boy with her babysitter) We go to playdates and many playgroups. She loves it and so do I!

I won't tell you what to do, but I think that if you truly want to be with your daughter, you won't regret making the choice to do so!

I am a SAHM from the beginning, who is contemplating having to get a job. I don't want to! I love staying at home with my boys. I say that if you don't have to work, don't.
As far as the social interaction from daycare, um, I don't agree. First of all, she will get every cold and fever and flu that goes around, and bring it home to you. My brother is dealing with that right now. He's missed a lot of work because of what his daughter brings home from daycare. And it's amazing what kids learn at daycare. I was in charge of my church's nursery for a year, and you could definitely tell which kids went to daycare. They stole toys more often, hit more often, and bit more often. Not to say that the kids who stayed home were angels--my son did his share of pushing down kids and throwing tantrums. But it was a marked difference.
And honestly, kids don't need social interaction for a long time. For my son, who is now 4, the need for social interaction and friends started suddenly right after he turned 3. My friend confirmed that her kids (she has 5) were the same way. The never needed friends until they hit 3 years old.
So don't base your decision on a benefit that your daughter won't reap for three more years. And that can be fulfilled with play dates, play groups, and preschool.
I'm a strong believer in moms staying at home. There's nothing better, and I believe that it's the way God intended families to be. I am heartbroken to think that I might have to give up this blessing I've enjoyed for 4 years!

Can you work part-time? I was surprised, but my boss didn't want to lose me, so I get the best of both worlds. I don't know where you live, but my daughter is a Boulder Journey part-time. I'm so jealous she gets to go to such an amazing school focused on development. Once I have a second child, I'll stay home with both, but I can tell you that I long to be with her all the time, but I think both of us benefit from the situation. In terms of being with others, my doctor said after a year, they like to see them meet friends repeatedly--like every week, they see the same kids their age, which helps them to bond and create friendships. My daughter has been in school since 3 months and I saw her creating friendships much earlier than a year. She is so happy to be at school (but I wouldn't just leave her anywhere--it had to be a place I loved.) I don't think I could do full time--it's just too much and I'm lucky to work part time. Maybe you could find some part time work if your job won't let you? Best of luck!

The hardest thing I have ever did was quit my job. I felt successful and appreciated. I was getting good at it and I loved feeling accomplished. I'd spent 4 years of undergraduate to learn how to do what I did and then I'd worked my tail end of in my field for 2 years. But quitting was the best thing I ever did and I do not regret it for one minute. I worried I'd be bored and that I'd miss it (and honestly some days I am and I do) but I have been pleasantly surprised with how much I have loved being at home. I am so glad that I am the one to see my babies "firsts" and I am so glad that I am the one to take care of them. Our first big surprise after I quit was how much more peaceful and happy we were in general. I had not noticed before how much the stress of work carried over into our home. Another surprise I had was finding how busy I really am. After quitting I began noticing millions of things that needed doing to make our house and family better. I think you'll find the same thing to be true too. And social interaction for your baby will come. Right now the best social interaction she can get is with you. I say DO IT!

I had a great job when I got pregnant with my daughter. I would have bet money I was going back, however life changes and your mommy heart pulls at you. It was a huge choice but I decided I would rather scrimp fiancially for a few years vs. going back to work. I also had my daughter two days before that horrbiel 9/11 day, so with hormones, feeling like the world was falling apart and all of that lead me to believe you have one chance to raise your baby yourself and I didn't want to miss a minute of it. SO I had a different reason for my choices.

I can say there are a lot of companies that sympathize and maybe you can go back part time? That way you are still holding on to what you worked so hard for and still have time with your baby. Kids do great in daycare and though it seems awful as they are so young and fragile you choosing what is going to make you happiest is always the best choice for that baby. Babies need happy mommies.

I can say I never regret my choices other then right now and going through a divorce and being out of the workforce for so long. I have gotten to see both of my children's every milestone, be there to kiss their boo boos, cuddle them when they aren't feeling well and being here for them was something that has been a gift. You are young and have the world ahead of you big time.
You and your husband need to decide what will be best for everyone. If you are happy with the care provider, feel confident they will take care of your little girl well and you have this desire to be something bigger then a SAHM, then pursue your dream.

I love being at home and I have been for seven years, being able to walk them to school and so on is priceless. I don't believe they get any less socialization at home then daycare, that will depend on you. I took my daughter everywhere with me and we did fun things, I joined a Moms group and she was raring to go into preschool just great when she started. Not overly attached to me at all, now I look at her and she is a very social, well adjusted first grader! The time with your kids being young goes by quickly, just be sure you choose what will make you happy!

Wow, what is a wonderful story. Congratulations on your little girl. I am in the same situation. I am a mom, a part time student and I have a full time job. I am mostly away, but my husband is sometime with him and grand ma helps too. I was crying recently because I found out that my little guy knows how to use a straw and I was not the one to teach him that. I also missed his first steps. It hurts so bad, but I though that I had no other choice because I have to give him a better life than what I had. We are now pregnat with our second and I am trying so hard to find a way that I can stay home and I found just that. I am thinking that if the money is not the issue, then you can stay home with you little girl. There are so many girly stuff that you can do together. You can always work at home as I am doing. I found this opportunity where I can make the same income at my dream job in so little time at home. If you need ideas on what you can do at home, I can tell you more. Right now you are just in love with that little girl and that is great. Whatever you decide to do will come from your heart and you will know what is best. Just so you know they grow so fast, enjoy every moment as much as you can. Good Luck to you. -Y.

Reading your post was like deja vu for me. I loved my job and was compensated very well for doing it, but everything changed when I had my baby. I returned to work and every day it just became harder and harder to leave my son at daycare (and like you, I had a great daycare provider). After four months of working I just didn't like my job nearly as much and I missed my baby terribly and decided to quit. I've never, ever regretted it. I was lucky to have never missed any milestones while my son was in daycare and I'm so glad that I didn't miss anymore.

My husband, like your husband, got his graduate degree shortly after I quit my job and has been able to provide for all of us without many sacrifices. And as for the social skills your child learns at daycare, those can be learned by joining playgroups or groups like www.momsclub.com or www.mops.org and attending preschool.

I also know plenty of moms who love their jobs and couldn't imagine giving them up and that they are better mothers for having time away from their family and doing something that brings them happiness and fulfillment in an area their family can't.

It's all a personal choice and everyone has to decide what they feel they really want. I say listen to your instincts, they will always lead you to the right decision. Good luck and let us know what you decide.

I was once a person who believed I would never stop working and never ever be a SAHM. Then I worked as an asst. administrator for a very good and nice preschool/daycare. Every now and then I would sub for a teacher. What I saw and experienced changed my mind forever...I would NEVER work and leave my child at daycare unless absolutely neccessary. We all think about what we want and our own happiness, but what about the children? Benefit from social interaction? Trust me...you can provide social interaction for your child. The ratio for the infant room was 4 to 1. That meant one person caring for 4 babies. That meant a baby sat in a swing a lot. A baby laid in a crib or cradle a lot. A baby laid under a baby gym a lot. A baby cried and cried because a different baby started crying first and well, what can one do? It was just sad. It was so sad and it broke my heart. No matter how much a teacher cared for the babies or how hard I tried to be attentive to all 4 if I happened to be caring for them, it just wasn't going to happen. The 1 year old room wasn't all that better and the 2 year old room was just crazy. I just couldn't stand the thought of ever leaving my own child to basically normal daycare sort of stuff...and then I watched my sister and her children. I watched my niece and nephew have to wake up so terribly early, get dropped off at daycare then picked up after about a 9 hour day at a daycare! I felt so bad for them, but I knew my sister HAD to work (meaning food on the table and a roof over their heads) and would have done differently given the choice. I have a strong opinion based on what I've seen and experienced...strong enough to sacrifice many of my own desires to fill a different desire...to do the right thing for my children. Don't be fooled...if you are a good person and have a desire to be a good mom, there is no daycare in the world that can begin to be a substitute for you. I don't care about having a more impressive car, another dvd player, a more impressive home, etc. I care about the gift my children and I have been given...the ability to be home with them. One more thing...we used to not tell the parents if we were the first to see that first step or hear that first word...we always kept a tight lip so the parents could think they were getting to experience that...with all good intention behind it, that just seems so sad and screwed up to me.

Hi A., I was working on a career pharmacy in when my second baby came. I could'nt leave my kids, daycare is hard to find that is up to the standards you expect for your children. I love being at home to take care of the kids - the house - having time to give them fish, dogs , cats , plants! So, even when they got older I found it hard to want to leave to go to a job. So I'm still home and now I work from home and take care of everything for the kids its great! Just make a decision that will make you feel like you have nothing to regret.
S.
I'm a mother of two beautiful children: Justin, 9 and Hannah, 12 years old. I sell health benefits from my home with my computer and phone. We have 2 dogs 2 cats and recently down from 7 to 2 fish tanks full of fish.: )

I have a B.A. and Master's in teaching and taught for 8 yrs in elementary school. But when I had my children I was home for them. It was very difficult financially, but I would never go back and change it.

If you asked your daughter, do you want to "get used" to being with other people or do you want to be with mommy? -- I'm 100 percent sure she would choose mommy. Don't listen to "everyone", listen to your heart and to your daughter, that's what really counts. She'll have plenty of time for social interaction when she gets into school. Don't miss out on what your little girl has to offer you. I have learned from my kids and they have taught me life lessons that no job could -- but that's not the point really.

There is no substitute for YOU -- no one else can be "mommy" to your sweet little girl but you. Think about how she watches you and learns from you and all the love for you she has.

Once those years are gone, they are gone forever. Too many chilren feel left out and unimportant to their parents, because their parents aren't there for them. I saw it first hand when I was teaching, and swore I would be there for my kids.

A. -

Wow! Listening to your story took me back to my own experience!! I was a school teacher, and like you I loved my job. It was all I ever wanted to do and couldn't imagine not teaching. But after my son was born, I was so surprised to find that my career took a backseat to my new-found love of being a mommy. The day I missed him crawling for the first time was the day I decided something had to change. So I found a great company to work with at home (because we needed my additional income) and came home fulltime!

Everyone has to make a decision for themselves, but our feelings tell us a lot about what we really want. It sounds like your priority right now is raising your daughter - and if you're not restricted by money issues, go with your heart. I know you won't regret it! And maybe someday when she is school-age you might want to return to your career. Amazing how babies change everything, right? Good luck with your decision!

M.

Oh how wonderful, your heart is, to choose your child and her wellbeing, I read some of the posts and it sounds to me like you have tapped into a wealth of love support and information, I too loved my work as a welder and I obviously made ok money, but I believe in raising the children that I bring into the world. It gutted me when I left my baby in the arms of my best friend to raise him, I was a single mom and she got to see all of his firsts, first, It hurt so bad that I started to resent her for being there for him sadly my son confused us because, we lived in her house while I was getting established and he considered her mom too. then I found a man whom I love dearly who said that he expected me to stay home with our children I have been home ever since. and now have 7 babies that I got to see all of the firsts of the last 6. money is very tight but my stomach isn't as I drop them off to the daycare each day to learn other peoples morals and ideals.

They grow up so quick. If you are lucky enough to not have to work then put all that creative energy into your daughter. You can go back to your dream job when she starts full time school. She will thank you for it some day. Maybe you can work part time or weekends (when your hubby is home) to avoid daycare. Think about how much you will save in daycare too.

When your daughter isn't feeling well and wants her mommy....what are you going to tell her? When she cries out for you...what are you going to tell her?

"I have what I consider to be my dream job: I use my degree, I enjoy the work, I have a wonderful boss, the schedule is reasonably flexible, I like my co-workers, and I am well-compensated. I have only been there two years, and had planned to stay for a long time."

Follow your instinct.

As far as the social interaction B.S. that "EVERYBODY" is telling you...it is that. BS! Unless you lock your child in a room and never speak to her, she is going to interact. She has you, daddy, grandparents, neighbors, new siblings, cousins.....I mean honestly...it would be very hard not to interact. I don't understand people who say that. You SPEAK correctly, use the potty correctly. YOU teach her those things. You teach her to count, sing and get dressed. Is there something so wrong with you that she needs to turn to other children to learn how to "socialize"? You can always sign her up for tumbling/dance or even swimming to be around other kids a few times a week if you wanted. Why would anybody be worried about how much socializing a child under school age is doing?

If you can afford it, stay home. You will have more time for your daughter and your husband!

If you need a "girlie" day, take it. Hire a sitter for a few hours and go out. Go eat or go get a massage..whatever it is you enjoy.

Don't put your wants ahead of your child. That isn't the kind of parent a child wants. A child that is 3 doesn't care if their jeans or GAP or Target. They don't care if you have short nails or get pink-n-whites. They don't care if you carry a Fendi bag. They just want their mommy.

You CAN always work later. You can't get back the missed things....first crawl, step, or words.

I do not know where Kate P is getting her facts from but I can't stop laughing, did she pull them straight out of a "make facts and studies up, to make me feel better book"?
I am quite offended by her pushy overbearing comments. These people are asking for advice, not opinions and false facts to be pushed on them! And who are these Child Care Provider's that are telling mom's all about their child's first's? How selfish and insensitive is that? I am tired of hearing about all the "horrible" Providers, I know alot of providers that are fabulous!! And Kate you can bet that is a true fact!
As for your question A., I will throw "my opinion" in here I know this sounds cliche but you need to do whatever is best for you, because ultimately you are the one at the end of the day that knows how well you function in either situation, and if I were your friend I would support you whole heartedly with whatever you decided to do. Your children are going to be beautiful, well rounded, articulate children whichever decision you make, because you will be a better person for whatever works for you. I know plenty of children who are not ADHD, or more aggresive or any of the other stereotypes that come along with Day Care, because they have parents that care and do their job as a parent and they grow up to be very productive citizens in their community and you sound just like one of those parents that do their job!
Best of luck,
J. P.

Being a SAHM is such a personal decision - I don't blame you for asking for advice. I left school and work to stay at home and I struggled with it at first because I loved the social interaction and thinking about something that didn't involved poopy diapers or when the next feeding was.

That being said, have you explored options that would allow you to work from home? You didn't say what your job was, but there are opportunities to be a virtual assistant, consulting, teaching web classes, etc. The possibilities exist now for SAHMs that didn't just 5 or 10 years ago.

After being at home 6 months, my hubby and I decided to open our own business. He does the day to day stuff and I do all of the operations from home on my own time. Sometimes I'm really busy and sometimes there isn't anything for me to do for 2 weeks. I work early mornings, during naps and after bedtime or whenever it's convenient for me. Perhaps there is a little entrepreneur in you?

As far as that social interaction thing at daycare, you'd be much better off doing mommy groups. That way, you personally can direct her play with others and correct unwanted situations (like someone showing up with a cold or hitting). Just a thought.

Good luck!

it is a bummer but as women we have to make this choice. i chose to stay home with my kids, and i wouldn't change it for the world. they are only little for a short time and when you are working i think you miss out on a lot. plus someone else is nurturing and teaching your little one. that did not sit well with me. i also run a daycare so i know some women have to work. many times i have seen their children take their first step,said their first words, i have noticed their first tooth. many times mothers have been in tears when i tell them all about their childs day especially if one of these milestones occured. in my opinion i guess it comes down to priorities. is your career your priority or raising your child? when your little one is a bit older you can go back to work. yes you will have lost some time but find ways to keep your self current in your field while you are home if possible. if you don't have to work, i wouldn't. being the main teacher to my children in their early years has been more rewarding to me that any job! hope you make a choice that sits well with you, N.