Working /Stay at home/Mums/Dads

My wife doesn't want me to work... she, uhm I mean someone has become spoiled. And WE are both o.k with that. :)

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I was a SAHM for 4 years, and I have greatly enjoyed being a working outside of the home mom for the last two! IF I had a lot of money without working myself, and I could afford some type of preschool or nanny care so that it wasn't me with the kiddos 24/7 and we could still afford vacations and cool experiences together and saving for retirement -then sure -I would love to have tons of free time! I know some people who have this, and they are never juggling their workout times or trying to catch 20 minutes to read before falling to sleep, but it's not reality for most people with children whether they work outside the home or in the home.

I love my boys more than anything, and we have a lot of fun, but I'm a better mother when I'm not staying at home all the time. I start resenting everything and losing what little patience I have. I've also come to realize that I really don't enjoy domestic things. I like to cook in the fall of the year -but not any other time. I hate doing any type of housework or dealing with any of it, so it's worth it to me to have the money for a cleaning service, and I don't enjoy any crafty stuff or scrapbooking or sewing or anything, so I've come to realize the traditional home life is just not me.

6 moms found this helpful

Before my first was born, I was a manager of 7 other people and another manager, naviagating complicated FMLA laws along with state benefits country wide (including CA :)

After my daughter was born, I found it so hard to go back (and only did for a month) - I just couldn't justify it as my husband could support our family with is income. It was hard for me at first to stay home. I felt bored, eventhough I was totally enjoying my new family. My second is now 3 and I'm starting to feel more disconnected than ever. As I talk to my BIL and SIL, who are intelligent, career oriented people, I feel "less than" because I just do stuff around the house, shuttle the kids here and there. I'm not in a position to do much for myself (classes or whatever) to work my own brain muscle - my husbands work schedule is too iffy. I take solace in that that I'm raising great kids and could not imagine someone else doing it for me.

It's a chapter in my life that I'm L., but has a trade off for sure. I have no idea what I'll do when I go back to work. On one hand I envy my BIL and his wife, who are "yuppie" types - very driven, hard working, smart, successful people. But on the other hand I feel for them. When they have kids they will probably have a live in nanny raise their kids because they both have such demanding job.

My mom worked, but her job was a reliable 9-5 job close to home and she could be there for us if we were sick or something.

In the end, every family does what is best for them. No one can say being is working mom is better or being a SAHM is better. You do what is best for your family.

4 moms found this helpful

Hi B.!
FTWD+ and PTWM here.
I felt a lot like you do after going back to work FT after my maternity & FMLA leave....I had my son at 39, and it only took a few months to ask myself "Did I have this baby so I could feed him, bathe him and put him to bed?" I had every intention of doing FT daycare and continuing to work FT. It was all I'd ever known!Don't get me wrong, my mother and stepfather were watching him, so I knew he was in good hands--the best. But it was more like a reality shift FOR ME. It didn't seem right at my core.
I talked to my boss about switching status to PT and she was RELIEVED she wasn't losing me, just fewer hours.
Still, (son is now 9) I work PT, currently 2 days per week and that seems to be the right fit for ME.
How did we "do it" financially? We liquidated some stuff and paid off the house really fast. So THAT pressure was off every month.
All I can tell you from my experience is this--you don't get a "do-over" with this situation (or maybe you are? lol). If something feels "off" and you can swing it--make a change! Make a few changes. Think outside the box. And make it right for YOU and YOUR situation.

4 moms found this helpful

I am a SAHM and love it! My kids are 1, 4, and 6. I treat it like a job:) I have a schedule/routine. I volunteer at my oldest son's school, have play dates, go to story time at the library, etc. My husband and I planned for this and he is so supportive--which is a huge help! I love it and look forward to going back to my career someday!

3 moms found this helpful

I would have killed myself or run away if I had been at home with my kids for an extended period of time. I love those early infant months, but spending day after day after day with sassy toddlers or stubborn pre-schoolers? Not my thing..I very much appreciated the professionals I hired to watch them each day. I am very blessed that for more than 6 years, I have worked at home 3x per week and gone into the office 2x. I had childcare every day when they were younger, but to not have to drop them off super early and pick them up super late was a luxury, as was being able to be home with them when they were sick, take my time if we were having a pokey start to the day, etc. And now that they are all in school, it's nice that they can come home straightaway on the days that I'm at home.

I think I would have felt more guilty and that I was missing out on them and they were missing out on me if I had to be in an office 8-5 everyday, dropping them off at 7 and picking them up at 6. That's a really long day and hard on everyone. Being able to shorten their hours in childcare via work at home and having one of us do drop off and another do pick up was a great way to balance things out for us - I got to do meaningful, paid work without distraction and they got to spend time each day with other kids and caregivers whose days revolved around nothing but children. I know that if I were at home full-time, we would have lost many days to tedium and drudgery, chores and errands, instead of spending time being creative or learning things like they did in daycare.

3 moms found this helpful

I'm a single mother, so I didn't really have much of a choice except to work. But, if I did have the choice to stay home or work, I would definitely work. I can tell you that I would have a very hard time being a full time SAHM. (More power to the women that can!) I am not cut out for it. I need that break during the day. I love my job and the mental challenges and opportunities it presents.

When I was working a flex schedule, I would work four 10 hour days and rotate a day off each week. Every four weeks I'd have a Friday and Monday off and would get a long weekend. Even though I was working 40 hours a week, it had a part time feel to it. It was the best schedule. Now that I am back to five 8 hour days, it does seem like I have less time with my son because I don't have that whole extra day during the week. He's older now and doesn't need me as much, so it's not as bad as it could be. Plus he is a night owl, so we are up til 10-11 every night.

I only have one child, so I have no insight on the insight. ;)

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I see this is going to turn into a bit of a "someone else raising your kids" thing per Jo's comment.... If you don't want to be a working mom and can afford not to be, then go for it. 7 months at home did give you a good taste of it. I struggled a lot with guilt about not being home but I have an amazing job that's unusually high paying while my husband's job isn't as secure and doesn't pay nearly as well. It's also typically not high stress and I'm home early, get a lot of vacation, work very close by so can still volunteer etc. We 've also always had a nanny so I didn't have daycare stress. Now that my kids are older, on one hand it seems more important to be home, on the other, I'd miss work. I'm so glad I have men to keep me balanced. The stories I hear about some SAHM's and the drama etc - ugh. No interest in that. But once kids are in school, I think SAHM's do have more time on their hands and time isn't always well spent... And when I go to volunteer, it's ok but to be honest, I'd rather donate more money to help hire more people at school. Some of it seems like huge overkill. We'll have 5 adults in a K class helping them to draw... As my kids are getting older, there are fewer requests too for volunteers unless I did some huge PTA thing but I come back to thinking "do I want to work really hard volunteering when I could be working for money?" It seems SAHM's can spend lots of time volunteering and that's super important but it kind of comes down to an equation - can you donate enough money to make up for you not being there to head a fundraiser?... I also think in a way I'm setting a good example for my daughters. They'll grow up knowing that women can outearn men and all their hard work in school can pay off. And they don't need to be dependent on a man and it can be risky to be dependent financially. I don't regret at all not being home so far. My kids have a great life and are happy and doing well, we've saved money to pay for college, we'll not be a burden to them in retirement etc and they don't really remember when they were 2 or 3 years old anyway. I'd have gone crazy too with toddlers. I don't enjoy those ages much so it's a personal preference. And end of day, money is a factor. Social work is a incredibly valuable job intrinsically and to society but i guess it doesn't pay super well. So if it's stressful and you're not netting a lot after childcare expenses, it's a very different equation for you. It would seem much less worthwhile if you're not enjoying it and did enjoy being home. I assume you can survive on your husband's income... As for your last question, I think we become more insightful as our children grow up and we see how stages pass, things change etc and I thnk we come to expect change more.

3 moms found this helpful

When i had my second child after a year of staying home I wanted to go back to work! When I did I got a job with CPS high stress long hours and dangerous, good money though, after about six or 8 weeks of training I quit! I was unhappy and stressed out and had not even really started working yet, It took me two more months to find another job, it was full time, set hours, low stress, great working environment with my co-workers, I worked 8-4 and when I left work, I took absolutely nothing home with me! I made half what I made at the CPS job working for a University located on an army post, but I was happy, home in time to make dinner and enjoy my kids in the evening and on weekends! so maybe what you need is a job change with low stress and less hours. and maybe less money. Good luck in your search for happiness!

3 moms found this helpful

I went back to work full time when DD was 6 months old (part time by three months, that wasn't too bad) for financial reasons only.
I HATED it. Matter of fact it was a major factor for me in deciding not to have any more kids. I would NEVER do it again, having to work with an infant. Never!

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I am happy not to go back. But it was harder to stay home with two than one. Way more locked into their schedules and at first they didn't even nap at the same time so I felt like I lost myself a little. But its all temporary. I feel sick to my stomach when I hear of moms returning to work full time after baby. Every molecule in my body feels this is unnatural. And yet so many moms have to work to stay middle class. I wish this were not so.
I do think some women fit into the domestic relm of keeping house and cooking with a degree of joy and fulfillment while others find domestic life suffocating and feel few rewards. None the less I find it shocking how often you hear women's reasons for going back to work that are completely selfish rather than putting their kids first. Reasons like, its easier to go back to work, and staying home with my kids is boring, or I didn't want to change our lifestyle. It seems to me what baby wants/needs is not factored in as it should be.

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i would love to be a working mom, i love being a stay at home mom but would so much rather be working instead of being stuck in the house

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Humph. That's a tough one. I think it comes down to personality, frankly. I have very little need for social interaction. A phone call, playing with my kids, or chatting with my husband is all I need. My friend, on the other hand, felt so deprived and distraught that she went back to work. She would literally cry on the phone telling me how lonely she was. She would say she didn't understand how I did it. I am also highly introverted so staying home is right up my alley.

I am a transcriptionist, and I proofread from time to time; it doesn't get more introverted and isolated than that! Then again, introversion/extroversion is a spectrum sort of thing, and I'm way at one other end, so I'm only speaking from personal experience.

When I did work outside the home, I did not have a career. I merely had a job, so I wasn't really turning my back on much. I think if I had a career I would feel somewhat conflicted. However, my staying home simply works best for family. It fits with my personality, and I'm more of a commodity at home than I ever was working outside the home.

Just do yourself a favor and don't romanticize staying at home. I thought staying home meant blowing bubbles in the backyard, playing hopscotch and being the quintessential mother and wife. The reality is I'm the de facto parent since I'm always home. There is no "getting off work" because home is my job! I got one big reality check when I first began staying home, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Good luck to you in whatever you decide.

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I'm a social worker too!

I would always say that I would hate to stay at home and I think for the most part that is still true, but your right about social work being a high pressure, demanding job. Dealing with other people's problems all day, just to come home and deal with your family is stressful.

I have now concluded what I would REALLY love is to be able to work part-time. This wil not happen unless I find a man to marry who can help support me and my child financially in a way that would allow me to work part-time. However, I think I would love this. It would give me MORE time with my son, and yet still some time for him to socialize, me to accomplish things around the house, and me to have an outlet and little bit of my own money. But, as a single mom, I don't know if this will ever happen.

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I have tried all sides.. I worked full time before kids.. 4 days a week after my 1st was born .. quit my job after my second was born.. and went back 2 days a week after my youngeste was 2 year old.

Part time is the best life...

I remember when I went back to work after my first.. thinking why am I working so I can pay someone to watch my baby>???? it just didnt make sense.. and really after you subract the childcare adn the taxes from you paycheck there is hardly anything left..

and next year.. I will have 2 kids in school full time.. but I do not want full time work.. so my kids are in daycare before and after school and also all of the school breaks.. so I will continue my part time flexible contract job.

look for a part time job.. it is the best of both worlds.

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I have 3 kids and save for brief periods of unemployment, I have always worked full time plus (side jobs and freelancing - and even when I was unemployed I still did some of that too). I've always been the main income earner, I never wanted to be a SAHM and I never saw myself wanting that.

I don't know if we become more insightful with each child, but I definitely feel that the older I get, the more I know.... maybe it's an age vs. more children thing? I liked my maternity leave with our youngest very much, it was great to be home with her... and I was also very glad to go back to work. I like working, I like my field, I was feeling like my brain was starting to turn to mush. Now, she's almost 3 and while I know I don't want to be a full time SAHM, I honestly wish I could work part time. At times I wish we could afford for me to have a little more of a mindless job...I am so tired of the grind... I just want to feel like I can relax a little. My two older kids will be in 9th and 12th grades next year and I would love to be able to spend more time with them (esp. my oldest, before he goes off to colleges) as well as just to feel less stressed.

The other alternative I've been thinking about lately is whether it's possible to find a mostly work from home job. No conclusions yet.

I hope you find the right solution for you and your family.

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I was never not satisfied as a stay at home. At least to me I felt lucky to be able to stay home so I volunteered a lot. I never had cabin fever.

My youngest is 11 and I still feel like staying home and giving them everything.

Oh I work since my divorce.

I do feel like staying home is an amazing privilege but I don't want to weigh in what is more insightful. Personally I would not have a child I could not raise myself until they are in school.

Jill, please feel free not to read things into my comments and try to stir up trouble.

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Don't make a decision for 3 mos, right now you are emotional. I left my job (SW too) and I don't miss the job at all, just the money and interactions, so you will never be 100% happy either way. See if you can live on one salary for 3 months then decide.

1 mom found this helpful

Yes, we become more insightful, and patient, and loving, and kind....

I SAH and would have it no other way. I use to teach at the college level. I miss my books, but staying home with the kids? The most challenging and rewarding thing I have ever done.

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From my experience, the grass always seems greener on the other side. I'm a SAHM with 3 kids, but I went back to work after my first and quit 6 months later. I had a great job and was really good at it, but I always brought work home and I was so stressed trying to keep the standards I had made for myself at work. Although my day at work started and ended earlier, I would stay late to get as much as I could done so I wouldn't have to bring as much work home. While I could handle a little separation from my child, I didn't like that my job required me to be gone all day. I'd be at work from 7:30am until 5pm, and the only time I'd see my son was during breakfast, rushing him off to daycare, rushing him home to make and eat dinner, and getting him ready for bed. And I'd still have some work to do at night. Part-time seemed great, but my boss didn't like it and I'd probably work just as hard for half the money. That said, I have a friend who works part-time as a career counselor at a junior college campus and she loves her work and her flexible hours. She doesn't bring any work home and it's not a stressful job so she's able to focus on her son when she is at home with him. So it depends on how much prep work you do outside the job, and how stressed you get over the job. To be honest, I don't miss the work that I do. I do miss interacting intellectually with my colleagues and feeling a sense of accomplishment, more than doing housework and errands every day. But I keep myself busy with play dates and park dates and trips to museums and the library. It has been fun meeting with and learning from other parents who stay at home. Above all, my kids learn from me, and staying at home with them challenges me to become a better person, not just a better parent. It's not for everyone, and I still struggle with my role from time to time. But I see it getting easier as the kids get older (right now, mine are 4 and under), and more fun as they become more independent and verbally expressive. As for insight, I learned to relax more and multi-task better with each additional kid, and what works for one child doesn't always work with another. Best of luck - I hope you find what works for you and your family.

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My hubby's biggest thing when we met is that his future wife would stay home with the kids.....that's me:) I stay home and although at the beginning with my first child I was bored to tears, lonely and suffered from some post partum depression etc... It's got better with each child, we have 3 now. I'm super busy, I love that when things pop up at my kids school I don't have to bother a boss AGAIN to leave early or ask for time off to attend school functions. I also love that I no longer have to calculate how many vacation days I have left etc... I wanted more than anything to go back to a job after my first but like I said, with each addition to our family, I love staying home more and more:)

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After I received the fabulous news that I was pregnant with our first, I remember distinctly my husband telling me he wanted me to stay home with the kids. I've always worked; from having a paper route when I was 13! I thought, "There's NO WAY I could stay home with a kid! What would I DO all day long? I'd be SOOOOOO bored!!" Boy did I find out how wrong I was during the first 3 weeks my son was here!!

He's now 5 1/2, and we have a 29mo daughter. I can say with confidence that I am VERY happy with our decision that I stay home with the kids. Yes, I have my days where I'd like to go back to work just to vary my schedule and to maybe have some adult conversation throughout the day, but that would just bring different aggravations and challenges.

I LOVE being home with my kids, taking them to soccer and tball, and being the one to watch their firsts and watch them grow. I consider myself truly blessed that my husband has a job that enables me to stay home :) However, I know not everyone could be happy in my situation even if it was financially feasible for their family.

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I am so sad for you. I honestly wouldn't have had any more if I had to work outside of the home. I did have wonderful providers with my first two, but the stress, worry and separation are too much for me. I am fortunate, though, that I am able financially and understand when moms can't.

Yes, you become more insightful and all around better. God bless and I hope things work out the way they should for you.

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I am a SAM and I love it! It's not for everyone, though. You do have to be more finacially aware (ex. can't eat out as often, no fancy cars) and it does sometimes get stressful. On the other hand, I miss NOTHING with my daughter who is now 2. I have been there for all the firsts and it is so rewarding. Also, I never have to worry about the quality care she is receiving or who/what she's exposed to. I do "get out" at least once or twice a week for some "me time" either with girlfriends or alone. Definatly be sure you can afford it. Before I had my daughter, I took all the money I made and put it in a SAV account and we only lived off my husband's income. Not easy, but so worth it to me. You just need to decide what works for you.

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I didn't want to work FT in a high pressure job after my twins were born. However, it was hard to be a SAHM with my husband traveling for work and never being away from the kids. Once they were 18 months - 2 years PT would have been great. Finally, after a lot of thought on what direction to take for a career, I have been working very part-time since my kids turned 4. I'm doing something I like to do and can work at my own pace in most cases. It's nice! Is there anyway you can work PT? Wishing you the best of luck!

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Working outside home mom...dad who works from home.

I did try the stay at home/work from home job(s) but it doesn't wasn't for me. But it works out so well with my husband working from home. He loves it...he's good at it (aside from never getting to clean, since he's either working or running around picking/dropping kids off and something). It works for us.

I wouldn't say I'm more insightful with two kids vs one child...but I will say I've "relaxed" a little with my second than I did my my first.

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I stayed home after DS was born - for 4 weeks. I NEEDED to go back to work. DH and I share equally - we each work 4 days a week. Before DS started school he was in daycare 3 days a week. I was insightful enough to know I only wanted one child so I don't know about your second question.

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I stay home, but I also own a photography business. My business is not regular income and has been pretty slow lately. I LOVE staying home! I am bummed because in September when both my kids are in school full time (son will be starting K), I might have to find something part time to help out with bills. I am not looking forward to it at all, but I don't have much choice.

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Hi B.,
I love this question. Like you, it was so much harder for me to go back to work after my second child was born. I remember sitting in the car after dropping her off, crying and crying. Fast forward, 6 more years of corporate grind, and I was laid off this past January. It was a blessing in disguise. It has allowed me to realize a dream - starting my own business doing consulting work - and being able to set my own hours and accept projects as they work for our family schedule. So basically I'm a SAHM with my own company - the best of all worlds. Granted, it was very tough to go from making a 6-figure salary to running a startup. We have had to make some choices financially. It has helped that we're saving $1000/month on after-school care, and the dry cleaning bill has gone away, I don't pay to commute anymore, and since I'm here, I can make dinner instead of ordering out all the time. It's been an easier transition than I imagined it would be financially (well, that and my consulting business is going better than I thought it would).

Bottom line, I wish someone had laid me off years ago. It gave me the push I needed to do what I'd always wanted to do. My kids are a lot happier, I think because I am a lot happier. They were feeding off of my stress before. All in all, I guess you could now call me a "work at home mom" maybe? But I'm loving it!

Hang in there - the right situation will come up for you. When it does, don't be afraid to seize the moment! Do what feels right to you in your career.

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I stayed home after my job got increasingly bad. DD was 18 months old. I went freelance. Until I got the gig I have now (very PT), it was feast or famine. DD is DH's third, my first. He has custody of his older children, who were in aftercare/school when we married.

If you are home, even if you work some, I think you also need to have something for the kids. My DD and I attend Meet Ups, have regular play dates, and go to things like the library or the park. We don't get out as often as we do when I'm not working, but I do have standing "dates" for her and stop/start my day so she's not ignored. In the fall she'll go to school PT.

It's sometimes hard to juggle house, child, work and my own needs. If my job wasn't all online, I couldn't do it. I did some work for my old company after I left, but I had to find a sitter for DD and go there for the day and that was just hard, even if it paid better.

I thought I could do it and maybe if I had a less crazy boss I would have stayed there. But I was losing my mind and something had to give. It was not how I expected it to be and I feel incredibly grateful for DH for working so hard so I can do this. My sister HAS to work and is also in school. I don't know how she does it.

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I think work or school part-time would be the best of both worlds :)

I love being able to stay home with my kids while they are little. Such precious time. I now work 2 days a week out of the home. Sort of a perfect balance. They get school/kid interaction 2 days a week and I get adult time.

More insightful with each child?? Maybe, or just more realistic.