Need Ideas to Help Two Boys Show More Respect to Each Other, and to Me

I have had the same problem. My son is 10 and daughter is 8. You are going to think I'm crazy, but it worked. My children were fighting( ie. He hit me. well she pinched me first etc.)I had HAD it and this was my response. "I am no longer playing referee. Fight to the death. If we need to go to the emergency room for stitches or broken bones so be it. Then we can continue the fight when we get back. Just know that until you learn to be friends you will have no others... No friends over, no going outside with friends, no video games, no TV and I will be sending a letter to your teacher that you are to sit out at recess. I mean it!" Of course they didn't take me seriuosly. The bickering continued, until I drafted a letter to both teachers. The teachers were cooperative and one even pulled my son"s desk away from the group to isolate him in class( this mama had the same problem before and thought it was a great idea).It only took two days of no recess and restriction @ home before they were buddies again and begging for mercy. I ended it on a probationary period. Not only were they not fighting for fear of punishment starting over, but I overheard one of my sons friends starting to bicker with my daughter a few days later and my son stopped him dead in his tracks. Good luck.

I have five children, ages 10, 9, 7, 4, and 9 months. As you can imagine, I ponder a lot on how to deal with sibling bickering and such. I found this booklet online. It is called "Three Simple Ways to Become a Happier Family." I suggest you request it. It's free, and it certainly couldn't hurt. Just copy and paste the URL below into your web browser and scroll to the bottom. The booklet is in the bottom right corner. Good luck! http://mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/basic-beliefs/the-restora...

I have no real experience, but we just adopted a 12 yr old boy. Our doctors says & many other parents say punishment does not work at this age. Teen years are worse. The thing that will work is a reward system. You must enforce it of course. It's takes time to figure out the right balance. It has been recommended that you set up a point system - using am, afternoon & evenings (define times of course) to reward points (you decide the amount). You could base it on say basic courtesy. Thisis what we are setting up. Figure out what they love say outdoor play time time, video/computer game time, Dad time... They can earn these extra blocks of activities based on their points earned/behavior. You will need to determine how much time is allowed normally 1st. example: 1.5 hrs play time, 1 hr video/tv a day - you decide and adjust it as needed.

Check the internet - Many doctors have books on this - teacher will help with this too. Here
is a great site to educate yourself in general. http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Heartlight_Ministries/...
good luck

Dear L.,
Put all that energy to good use.
I am a mother of four boys. Two seven year olds, a five year old, and a two year old. Last summer my husband and I were also bothered by our fighting children. We use a poker chip system. which could be used with marbles or anything. The chips work like this I put a list together of all the chores I need done and how many chips they are worth. And they can choose any chore they would like to do to earn Poker chips. They are required to do some chores and not get chips for them. Such as brush there teeth, make there beds, keep there rooms clean. These are things that are required of them around the house. Extra things like clearing the table after dinner, and cleaning 2 or 3 windows can earn chips. For my boys it is always a choice, I never make them do the chores. But the chips can be used to buy things like TV time or for every 25 chips I let them cash them in for $5.00. Because of my childrens ages the chips are easier to earn like unload the dishwasher for 1 chip. But there could be harder chores and greater prizes for older children. It has tought my boys about money and respect for the housework. They think twice about throwing that barely worn shirt in the dirty clothes when they have had to fold a load of laundry for a chip. This was shared with me by a close friend who has ten kids and it works for all ages. She even takes the chips away if they misbehave. Which makes it even more personal than a game because it is something they had to work for. As for the talking back I usually, before they even get it out of their mouth turn look them strait in there eyes and say WHAT. I know such a simple word, but it works. My mother offered it as advice one day and I thought she was crazy. She said you have got to say it in your most craziest way. The way they have never seen you respond. As if to say I can not believe you are even going to try that on me. And if they continue to talk back you take away every single great thing that they love. Then make them earn them back. I hope I have helped, It certainly worked for me, my mother, and a close friend.

Hi L. one thing that help with our two girls close in age within months was have them write. Whenever they get into not important issue and they are blaming one another. We would make them write. I will not etc.... so many times. The #'s varied depending on the problem. Hope this may help.

It sounds like you need to set some very firm, clear boundaries with your children. Children want/need to know the clear rules. There are Christian authors who are wonderful, Dr. Cloud and Townsend. They have numerous books on these issues. My grandchildren have a 123 and then timeout and it's been working quite well for some time. I give them a count until 3 and then it's an automatic timeout of how many minutes (their age) and then we discuss or apologize for their actions. Also, it's an automatic timeout when they hit each other.
It's not perfect, but it sure helps. Good luck.

I am a mother of three boys now 13, 16, 18. First of all, you need to calm down and stop yelling. What has changed that now you feel your sons don't respect you? I believe they respect you and they love you and one another. They just don't obey your wishes and requests. Don't fuel their misbehavior by also getting upset. Calmly find out what is behind their fights. Have each one write down the things that the other brother does to annoy them and then write down the things they like about one another. With boys, the 2nd list will be short. Discuss this with them together, calmly allowing each his turn to speak. State how you expect them to handle their differences. Since your husband is away most of the time, the discipline is up to you, but make sure your husband is backing you up when he returns. He should speak with the boys about their behavior when he is not there and let them know what he expects of them also. Follow thru with your punishments and have your husband do the same. Don't give in and BE consistent. You shoud not worry about being the referee, the bad cop, the mean mom. It is your job to be all of these and more if you wish to produce well behaved young men in the future. You are MOM and you are the boss, so hold your ground and let your boys know they ARE the children. I applaud you in wanting to get control now before they hit their teens. (That will be a whole new set of awful problems to deal with). It sounds like you have a wonderful home environment, you just need to be firm and consistent with your decisions. Your boys know when they are striking your nerves the wrong way (it gets them more attention). And, yes, your younger son will definitely repeat the actions of his older brother. Your oldest is intelligent enough of use sarcasm towards you, then he can handle your sterness. I know you will correct things and obtain a more peaceful home. Remember, there will always be some difficult days to handle. Good luck and I hope to hear that all is calm soon. Feel fee to contact me off-line to talk if you like.

Jacqueline

I think you should try Total Transformation. It's a program especially geared toward issues like that. It teaches parents how to deal and how not to deal with situations. And while you are changing how you respond, it will also change how they respond and act. I have 2 boys, 9 and 4, and my husband and I are already seeing a difference in our oldest son, which in turn, we see a difference in our youngest. I really suggest you try it! It's very eye opening!

Thanks,
L. R.

I would read "Bringing Up Boys" by Dobson. Fantastic ideas and guidance for any age. Also "Parenting Power" by Rosemond. I think your intuition is telling you that things are not as they should be and that you can fix them...I think you are right. Prayers for you...

L.,
Watch Supernanny or Nanny 911. Some of the kids on there are little extreme, but she has AWESOME techniques for children. The most important thing is consistancy. Remember your children are your children not your friend!! I have 2 boys too,one is a teenager,and one is on a year and a half. Enjoy them while there are little, it doens't get ANY easier, unfortunately!!

My brother and I have one of the closest relationships that I know of, as siblings. My mom never let us talk bad about each other by always telling me how much my brother loves me (and telling him how much his sister loves him). She always made sure we knew how important we are to each other. We are now (and always have been) very close. I'm sure it had every bit to do with my mom instilling it in us with kind words about each other. Hope this helps you : )

L., You say maybe you are not punishing enough but my thought is that you might not be punishing consistently. I say that because the boys have not gotten the message. Also, you mentioned that you punish the kids for their behavior but what about dh. He may be traveling but when he is home, his response to their behavior has to be the same as yours or the boys will get a mized message and the behavior will continue. I would sit down with dh first. Write down the specific types of behavior that you both will not tolerate. Then write down the consequence for each of those behaviors. Also write down the behaviors you would like to see and write down a reward for each one of those. Putting it in writing will help you and dh stay on track and it will also help the boys. Once you and dh are on the same page, sit down with the boys. Tell them that they are not treating each other or you and dh the way they should and that this is going to change and you are going to help them. Go over the list you and dh came up with. Then you must enforce the list...every time. Children must learn boundaries or there will be trouble ahead. If they think they can get over on the rules they will continue to break them until they hit a wall at some point. Hope this helps, S.

put a note on the frigerator and tell them you are going to take away something they really want to do when it comes avalible. every time they do something put and x by there names and then when something comes up they want to do go see if there is any x by there name if there is say no and mark the x off. sometimes they think well i can do with out a game but when down the road comes and they really want to do something they may think again.