My Sons Argue for the Most Rediculous Things

I raised five I understand. I would just take away their action figures or any toy that causes a problem. Now what I have found when I babysit for others, is that when a mother yells so do the children. I always think you only yell when they are in danger. I try and use reason with the children. I get down to their level and look them in the eye. I talk normal to them or even whisper so they have to strain to hear me. I also found the more you praise for good behavior the more you will get. Sometimes they are acting out for attention. They really don't care if it is good or bad attention. I have found that the time that would be spent watching tv is better spent interacting with the children. You can do board games, read to them, crafts, etc. My children grew up not watching tv. I found my household was a whole lot more pleasant to be in then most. I also encouraged the love for reading to them. I don't know if this will help, I hope it does.

Peachie

Ground the toys. Lock them in the closet for a week and no one gets them if there is fighting that they cannot resolve themselves (let them know these are the ground rules before they begin to play). This also gives your little men the opportunity to learn the art of negotiation and conflict resolution (a great life skill).

Hi N.!
You DO have your hands full!
When my kids fought over any 'objects', I would do two things. Immediately take away the items disputed over. They learned right away, NO FIGHTING ALLOWED - and if they did - they would lose what it was they thought was more important than the other human beings in their lives. I would take it away at least for the rest of the day, or until they could agree on a truce. The other thing I would do is make them each do an extra chore for punishment. I had a list of extra chores to do on the FRIDGE, that were separate from their regular chores. If they disobeyed any of the rules (No fighting was one of them) then I would dole out the extra chore. That was something we had agreed upon previously in a family meeting (Which we had plenty of, usually once a week). I have 7 kids and now that they are raised I'm putting tips to help moms and dads on my website:
http://www.gomommygo.com/
The other TIP that came to mind about fighting is this one:
http://www.gomommygo.com/consequenses.html#chair

Hope that helps!
Best,
R. E

Have a "family meeting" while everyone is in a good mood, and ask them what is a solution for this conflict that they're having and let them figure out how to handle it, and go from there It's teaching them how to resolve problems and how to get a long better with family and friends. and heck, throw in something that they can help you resolve better in handling your problems. It gives them a sense of accomplishment and confidence.

I was a single mom for 5 years with two boys. I found that they would argue more the more I stepped in. I was introduced to a parenting website www.loveandlogic.com and one of their CD's said that kids fight more when it is "safe" to fight meaning that someone is going to step in and referee. Once I stopped trying to referee and figure out who did what, my boys started getting along great. I stayed out of their little petty arguements and when they weren't getting attention, and it wasn't "safe" to fight, the quit.

I am having to remember this with my little girls now, the more I try to referee the more they fight, when I stay out and set boundaries on the fighting (no hitting, kicking, or other physical violence, not within my hearing, if they want me to referee both of them are in timeout) it is amazing how well they get along.

Good luck, you are doing a superhero's job!!!

A.

First of all, you are amazing to be doing all of this alone. Good luck!

Sounds like the boys are looking for attention AND need some more structure.

I would suggest making time each day for individual time with each boy. That gives them YOU by themselves and they can count on it. It can be storytime on your bed or playing a game with you. The other child needs to be told that his time will come and he is not to interrupt you. Maybe during that time the other child can watch a favorite video or do something you know will keep them occupied.

Then for the arguing, come up with consequences for it. For instance - when they scream and argue over a figure, that figure goes into a box, place, cupboard, wherever and they may not have it until they earn it back with good behavior. Don't give in! You can make a chart,with their help, that charts their good behavior or chores they have done well and when they have achieved, say 10 stars, they get the figure back. Poor behavior - stars or points are erased and they now have to make up the point or points.

The discipline is the hardest for you since time is limited and you are busy. You hate to make them unhappy but let's be realistic. They have no problem making you unhappy and life still goes on. They will survive. Convince yourself that this little discipline is what they need and stick to it. No guilt, now!!!!

Good luck!

Easy to solve MOm just take all the action men away so neither of them get to play with them, its that simple, I am sure them love them love to play with them , but its a problem every time, so they will just have to learn to play with other toys...

If the action figures are the issue get rid of the action figures once they see that you will get rid of the figure and it will not be replaced. They will learn that there is a consequence for their behavior and change the behavior. It does not work all of the time but your kids sound like they are logical and will reason if the consequences are worth the behavior. You are in control you are the parent they are the children. Good Luck

Let them know in advance if they start augueing about the action figures(or anything) they are going away until the next day- all of them, since they are both in this together. They will stop harassing each other if they can both lose their privledge. you may have to take them away longer but start with 24 hrs, if that doesn't help make it 48 or what ever you need to make your point. As they get better and better just a reminder will work if they start to get a little out of hand. The trick-you have to do it once you threaten it and right away the first time-just make the boundries clear.

Hi! I have a very similar problem with my 7 yr old daughter and 9 yr old son. They argue constantly! Nothing seems to work, grounding, taking their toys etc... I am currently trying new things like setting up play dates for them separately, so that they get alone time with other children instead of always being with one another. Yesterday was the first day and my daughter had a little girl friend over and my son was at his friends house. I think if they have a chance to miss each other then when they come together they will play, share and be nice. I realized that as an adult I need alone time to regroup and maybe they do too. I will let you know how it goes and so far so good because they haven't fought once today, which is rare.

Every single time they argue, immediately take away the toys they are arguing about, and they don't get them back for a day. Keep doing this, and after a while they figure out they better not argue. This works for my kids. There always has to be some kind of consequences for discipline, because if you just yell and threaten, it never works.

Take away all their action figures. Period. The fewer material items they have, the more appreciation they'll have.

Keep the two of them completely separate from each other. I tell my 4.5 and 2.5 year olds that if they can't get along, they may not play with each other.

Of course, this means you need to be completely involved with them, guide them, supervise them. They will only learn proper behavior if you tell them exactly what to do and is expected of them.
It's very exhausting, but few things in life worth doing are easy; parenting is the hardest.

Good luck

Hey, N. hate to tell you this (being a mother of 4 boys), your boys are being normal. They will drive you crazy but all-in-all you will survive. Two of my boys have the same age difference they love one second, fight the next, they honestly love one another. Keep an open ear and close the other. During the time that you need to study ask them to keep the disagreements down to a low roar.

Hey N.,

Your sons sound normal to me. I have two sons and they have always fought. My husband and I have always believed that our two fight more so because they are so close in age. They are 1 year and 9 days apart. My older son is bigger than my younger so that causes problems too. They are the best of friends and the worst of enemies. I have learned to accept their fighting as part of life. That may seem lousy of me, but taking toys away, etc. has never worked for me. As soon as I took toy #1 away, they were on to fighting about toy #2, etc. And if it wasn't toys it would be what the other did or said. I know when I was growing up I fought with my sibs so I believe some of it is normal to a degree. I know we drove my mom & dad nuts. I think it is part of the job description for parents. "Must have experience in negotiation and settling disputes." I also believe that at times it is best to let them try to work it out themselves (within reason). Please don't feel you are a bad parent because they fight, or that you need to be super mom and break up every fight. Please know that you are not alone in the "fed up" department, I know I am there as well as other moms I know. Hang in there!

B.

Hi, I have two children the same age as yours, one boy and one girl. They argue just like your boys do. What I do is tell them that I don't care who started it or whose fault it is, if I hear an argument or yelling they both are in trouble. Either they lose a priveledge or my favorite thing is to make them do a chore together. It forces them to learn to work as a team, both to avoid punishment and to do whatever chore is assigned. This way I'm not constantly forced to choose sides, and hopefully they will learn to see each other as allies and not enemies. Good luck!

L.

This might sound crazy to you but I was told that it is good when kids have arguments when they are young. It prepares them for the "real world" and helps them prepare for the battle for life ahead. Right now they are negotiating on an imature level, however in time they will improve their skills. As long as they are not hurting one another, stand back and see how they commuinicate and negotiate with one another, then you will see this in another light. I belive they are just maturing..........it's more comfortable in a family where they know they are "safe", and loved.

I currently have guardianship of my 3 nephews and they were always name-calling each other. I implamented the "insult jar". If someone says something insultive in any way...they have to put .50 in the jar. But if the person who was being called a name was not insulted (like if they were just joking around and that one knew it was just "in-fun"...boys)they did not need to add $. But if it causes an argument, they have to pay up! It literally took one day and it insults stopped(I didn't let a single insult slide). But the jar is still there, just in case!

Hi, I have a 10 and 13 year old boys. They fight all the time. Not physical. Name calling, yes. I invite neighborhood friends over and that seems to help a bit. I do know they love each other and will have a special bond forever. That keeps me going. And we take the games and action figures away. Sometimes for a very long time. They have to earn them back.

Hi N.,
My aunt used to be the principal of a private school and when the children would argue over a toy or such, she would calmly walk over to the children, take the toy and say "thank you". She would then place the toy somewhere where neither child could get it and walk away without saying anything else. The children involved are usually stunned because they are used to being scolded for their behavior or lectured on sharing. Since I'm sure you have tried the scolding and lecturing, my Aunt's method may work for you. By not allowing either child access to whatever they are arguing over, it forces them to realize that they both lose out when they argue. By you walking away without saying anything, it places the responsibility on them to figure out a solution to the problem. They will realize pretty quick that they better figure out a better way to handle it the next time or Mom will take it away. I hope that helps!

It won't work for your problem now, but in the future you might try getting each of them the same action figures so they would be less likely to fight. As for the throwing, it will be toughest on YOU (Mommy guilt and all that) but let them know if a toy is thrown at a brother it gets tossed in the trash or better yet, donated to a charity. They will either end up with nothing left to throw or decide that throwing hurts them more than their brother. Good Luck. PS They will grow out of it!

Hi N.,
I asked a friend of mine long ago about her kids who got along so well with each other and she said she just wouldn't have it any other way. So that is also how I raised my boys (12 and 8). My rule is they have to share, if they don't play nice (with whatever) I take it away for the day. If one has something they don't want to share with the other, then it better be put away and out of sight (when it's not being played with). Same rules when friends come over. If it's out, their friends can play with it, otherwise put it away. I try to take the stance that if toys get broken - well, they are toys and supposed to be played with. However, they must replace what they broke (if they want another one) with their own money - earned by washing the car, mowing the yard, etc.
Because GameBoys and PSP's don't do well when left in the yard to be rained on. We also try to buy a lot at garage sales, then it's so much less expensive, it's not such a big deal. I'd say it's working pretty well. They play nice most of the time. Good luck with your boys! It's great that they want to play together and are building a friendship that will hopefully last their whole lives. Once they learn Mom will take the action figures away, they'll learn how to negotiate with each other without involving you.