Need Help/family Issues

Hi - I am also the oldest of 3 girls and have had a similar situation. I moved out at 23 due to her harrassment and she told me I was dead. We did reunite 9 or 10 yrs later but after a few years it started again. I was preganat with my 2nd and went to see a counselor for 3 months to make a final decision. I decided in the end that I had had enough of her nonsense and needed to move on. I do not regret my decision at all. I would suggest reading toxic parents that is a huge help. My thoughts were did I really want to subject my kids to her cruelty and criticism? Life is hard enough.

Have you read the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which is about having a borderline personality family member? There are several other books in the self-help book section that address dealing with a borderline personality in your family, but this one is great for the basics. It does sound like your mother's behavior is suggestive of that diagnosis. I say that both as a mother of a borderline daughter (and I am raising her 4 year old daughter--my granddaughter--and praying that she doesn't have the same diagnosis) as well as having the background of being a physician.

Only YOU can make the decision of what to do with this particular situation, but recognize that getting involved will start the whole cycle all over again. A borderline personality patient can be helped with therapy and possibly medication but they have to WANT to be helped.

Unfortunately, they see the world as different from you and I--to the borderline, everyone else is in the "wrong" and only THEY are "right" so it is unlikely that she will seek out help--she doesn't think she is broke!

Know that it is them, not you, and if you choose to remove yourself permanently from the toxic situation, do not feel guilty about it. As another mom pointed out, you have to protect your children from this behavior so that they don't grow up thinking that this is normal behavior and internalize it.

I wish you the best.
M.

R. I am so sorry, it is such a shame how some people do not realize how important family is. You could do two things, go visit your sister who is expecting privately with a gift. Or just send a card with a gift or gift certificate
in the mail to her with a personal congratulations note. Reach out to your sister, this child might be the way you both find to bond and put the past behind you. Don't let your Mother's issues cloud what is really important. This way you have peace with yourself to know that you tried to mend things and hopefully it will :)

R., for me, such a decision, was a very easy one. not my mother, but my MIL. but even if it were my mother, I would have done the same thing.
It is easy to give put rather than try. true. I totally agree. I agree with this esp. when there are no other players in the situation, i.e., kids. but when you have your own kids, they come first. if there is any fear, whether supported or not supported, that your kids will be subjected to something by your mother or sister, even if not directly, but through you, then i say, don't look back. you were able to live for so long without them in your life. i say, keep the same road, don't look back. as for the invite...trash can is enjoying it i am sure :).
I know they're blood, and family. They're the ones we had no say in choosing, but we're the ones who have a say whether they stay a part of us.
good luck

Are we related? Boy this sounds like my family. My mom is less than normal and 2 out of three sisters don't talk to either me or my mom. I didn't talk to my mom for two years after I left home.

It's easy to be suspisious in situations like this. What I would do in this situation would be to find out what the invitation was for..or if it was just a card. My mom is a drama queen and would use my non-response to further her plea for attention from others.

I thank God I have a better relationship with her now. I don't put up with her drama and I put her in her place. Once I realized this is how she is and the only mother I have, and the fact that God put me in her life for a reason, it's easier to get along with her. (My sister's haven't grasped that yet and I'm the baby)

Only you know if you want her to be a part of your life. She is never going to be the mother you wished you had. Get rid of those expectations and accept her for who and what she is...forgivness and understanding is the key.

If you would like to email me more about this, please do so. I've got stories to tell you...

Nanc

Wow R....after reading your story I felt like I was reading my own book...We have a lot of similar things going on. Although I am an only child, I am pregnant and dealing with Mother issues as well. I have 5 children currently, 3 of my own and 2 wonderful step-children and I'm engaged to a great and wonderful man...FINALLY!!! We are expecting our 6th child in Nov.

However, my Mother and I have always had issues, mainly a Jealousy factor on her part. I do believe she has always harbored some type of jealousy for me and it has become more evident now that I am finally happy and about to have a baby. My mother is deaf and has always been independent, however there are times when (and its a coincidence when I am happy) that she becomes very needy and dependent upon me. This then becomes a burden and a fight between us...currently we are not speaking...and its hard; because I want some type of relationship with my mother, but I know that I can't when all she wants to do is make me miserable. I know its because she is lonely,but that is not something I can solve for her. She has plenty of friends and family that she chooses to alienate herself from and then blames it on them...or better yet tries to get me to be involved.

I say for the sake of your pregnancy and your family life keep as much of a distance from your Mother as you possibly can...I know its HARD...but it is much better than putting undo stress on yourself and your family. As far as your sister is concerned, I believe you should go to her baby shower and just let her know that you are there, regardless of what everyone else may think or do. And, if in fact it doesn't turn out to be a good situation, leave and know that you did what you were suppose to do and that they know you are still very much their sister. However, if there is something else that is making you not want to go (other than what you have said already), I do suggest that you stay away, and let it be, until they decide to come around and work things out with you.

I hope this helps and if you ever want to go deeper into this, I am no psychologist, I am more than happy to talk. Its always good to know that you are NEVER alone in situations like these.

Your Friend,
O.

Tough one but I say you have to do whats best for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN...Thats your family and thats who should come first!

Based on your request, I am lead to understand you don't have a working relationship with your sisters either. If that's the case, and they haven't seen your second child, then sending her a card would seem to be the most prudent course of action. If you choose to go or set aside time to meet with your sister, you open yourself up to criticism just the same as you always have been.

My mother and I have a unique relationship - I matter when my sister and brother are angry with her or she with them. As the baby of the family (by 17 minutes), my sister (19 months my senior) and my twin brother felt it was their responsibility to mother me when my mother was not present. It caused lots of problems as I am perpetually 12 years old in their minds. I have a long distance relationship with my siblings - basically if I call them we talk otherwise we don't. My mother calls and I call her, but I know when she's reunited with my siblings - the calls all but stop.

It took a long time to settle myself into this nitch that fits like a shoe too small, but that's what they give me. No amount of wishing will change them and no amount of talking will help them see my perspective. I give as they give. I communicate as they do.

Agape love means I love them, I care for them, but it doesn't mean I have to be walked over all the time. My children noticed their behavior and it pained me to have them ask why they are that way. It gave my children the chance to see what a family ISN'T, but also to cherish our close relationships.

In the end, do what you feel is best for you and your family. I'd send a card to acknowledge a congratulation, but that's about all. She will have to open the door in order for you to get in - until then, all you can do is knock.

Best wishes for you.

Hi R.,
You've given us some info. about your family matters - of course there are so many other things you haven't told us because of time/space/etc. I know that you must be very hurt by your lack of relationship with your Mother and sisters - my husband and I suffered a similar situation about 3 years ago, with his parents (primarily, his Mother).
My best advice would be this - consider who is a priority in your life right now. I'm sure you have a great deal of responsibilities with your own children, and with a new baby on the way. (Not to mention that keeping a marriage healthy is a good deal of work.) You may not have the best Mother in the world, but you can BE the best Mother for your own children.
In our personal situation, my husband and I finally decided that OUR family was a priority, and that there was no room for those who caused us great emotional disturbance. We were forced to break off all communication with his parents. This lasted for a year, in which all manner of strange things happened to them - making them much less controlling. We have finally come around to visiting with them, and they no longer try to control us.
If contact from your Mother brings you negative feelings, emotions, and stress, put yourself and your own family first. Anyone who hurts you ends up hurting your children - stress causes us to be less loving towards those who truly need our love. Who knows what will happen in the future, but for now, I would suggest putting your family first and be the best Mom you can be to your own children.
All my best to you, R..
G.
Mom to Isobel (10), Troy (8), Nico (7), Sterling (4), Lochlan (2) and Earl Belisario (3 weeks)and married to my best friend, Chris

I'm sorry for your situation. My short piece of advice would be to stay home from the shower and if you would like to have a relationship with your sis, invite her to a brunch and give her a gift there. See how things go! Best wishes with your new addition!

well you have 2 options(the way I see it)...you get involved again at your own risk...or you don't...I have a sister who is unbalanced so I know how you feel...DRAMA and heartache everytime I have to deal with her...I have come to limit our interaction to events only when my parents are there and I do my best to never be in a room where I have to speak with only her...still drama follows...but at least there can never be that "she did to me drama" because I never am alone with her...I have come to accept that I have to accept who people really are and not put expectations on them(by them I mean do not all people but those who have patterns...lying,gossip,drama...whatever)...it helps me not be hurt or let down when the same thing happens over and over again. If you chose to get involved I would do it slowly and very limited and with the knowledge that it takes 2 healthy people for a relatinship to work, so no matter how hard you try and how rational you may be, it's not your fault when it explodes. The second option(the one I would chose if it didn't hurt my mother so much)is stay away. I don't expose my children to the drama, it's not healthy, only family reunions or events do we assemble(maybe once a year). I wouldn't feel guilty about not getting involved. If your sister wants you, she'll let you know and you can go from there. Like you said you have your own family now.

Dear R.,

My relationship with my mother is not great, to say the least, but I wanted to bring up a point that I don't think was brought up in the other responses. Be so very careful to not pass this on to your children. I have 4 children and started to see that my relationship with my oldest daughter was starting to go down the same line as my relationship with my mother. I never thought in a million years that that would happen, but it was happening. I did everything to change ME to make sure my children and I stay close and loving..

As far as your mom goes. My husband has a very similar, but much worse situation with his father. He is with them this very minute trying to bury the hatchet. His father is also bi-polar and a bitter person, sadly. They haven't been in our lives for the past 10 years and I don't expect that we will have them in our lives after this. I also don't expect his father will have any revelation, but for my husband-- he needs to forgive his father so he can move on with his life. You should TRY to do the same and if there is no possibility that she will change, then shake the dust from your feet and move on. The important thing is for you to forgive and sometimes you may have to forgive her each day in your heart and in your mind until you really "feel" like you have forgiven her. You can decide to forgive, but the feeling will come later after much deciding :-). Otherwise it will be like a poison in your heart affecting every relationship you have. I wish you the very best. You are in a tough situation. Blessings, T. www.LovinLifeWithHomeBiz.com

Good for you for throwing away the invitation. Don't get sucked into your mother's life again. She sounds like a toxic person and you have your own family to worry about.

You can reach out to your sister by calling her to let her know how happy you are to hear she is expecting or sending a note with a gift directly to her.

This is how I handle a similar issue. If you think your mom is bipolar then you should treat her like she is mentally ill. It sounds to me that she has all the signs. So, with that said, if someone is obviously mentally ill and they attack you, you cannot take it personally because they are ill. I know this can be hard when the ill person is your mother but once you separate yourself from her emotionally, it becomes easier. I say, see what the invitation is about, bring it with you to wherever you go if you can retrieve it from the trash and pack some courage. You can give it one last shot since it seems like you want to. Just know, she is ill and it is not your fault. Best wishes to you!

Yeah, it sounds kinda crazy, but that is how some families go, unfortunately.
If you don't read the letter from your mother, you may regret not knowing what she has to say.
If it is positive, and I know we all want that when we are estranged from family, still try to keep your distance from her.
If it is some sort of invitation, to maybe a shower for your sister, don't go. not even for your sister, especially if your mom will be there. Send your sister a card, and maybe something for the baby. And find some way to get a message to her that you miss her and are happy for her. Maybe she'll come around one day, now that she is making a family of her own, without your mother.
You have your own family now, and do not need to feel badly because of your mother. She is the last person in the world who should ever make you feel bad. (That's her bad!)
Read the letter from your mom. Just do not respond to her. but, be available for your sister.
Good luck.

I would open the card.. see what it is.. if it's an invite.. send a note back saying good luck.. but you already have a family commitment that day. Wish them all luck... and that's the end of that.. Don;t go to whatever it is.. because it will only cause heartache for you. If it's for your sister and you want to do something..ie gift for her.. send a small gift and a note after the party.. good luck.. and enjoy YOUR family.

R.-
Although I am not a psychologist, I have dealt with some similar issues in my 49 yrs of life. My brother didnt speak to me for 7 yrs because of a fight with my mom. 80% of my family also got involved and didnt speak to me (cousins, aunts and uncles). It was heartbreaking especially because I didnt really know why. I had not done anything to them. But as the years went by, so did the hurt. I was able to realize that I didnt do anything wrong. Sometimes people are strange and hold onto things. You need to be able to look at your mom and sisters in a more objective way . Dont take it all so personally. It hurts you to see them, but it hurts you not to see them. You need to find a happy medium, one where you can have them in your lives, but your happiness and feeling of being accepted is not necessary to get from them. I read a book that helped me immensely, I strongly recommend it...."The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It is not a big book, but is the best book I have ever read when it comes to dealing with people and life in general. I hope you can be open to seeing your situation differently. It could change your life.
Good luck and I hope this has helped you a bit.
R. P
(New York)

Hi R.,

First off, I'm sorry that you've had to go through something like this. My mother and I have a great relationship (I don't want to be hypocritical here), but there were a few times when I was growing up when she was mentally and physically abusive. I've lived on my own for the past 11 yrs now. Her and I have had 3 disagreements, to where we didn't talk for a couple months. I always ran back with my tail between my legs. I've always so called "bowed down to her."

This past Thanks Giving she tried making my 2 yr old daughter eat potatoes. She doesn't like them; but I do put them on her plate when I make them. Needlesstosay, I told her not to do that and she mentioned that you have to make her atleast try them. So I had words back and part of what I said was that "I'M HER MOTHER!" Of course my mother didn't like that and we didn't talk for a couple months. What hurt the most is she had to involve my daughter by not talking to her or wanting to have their monthly weekend stay overs.

In the process of all of this, I've gone to counseling for help for all the hurtful memories and so I can move on. I've learned to not give into her. And that she is the immature one and that she may have problems herself. Which never doubted my mind! For once I didn't give in and that was for the Thanks Giving incodent. Well, she came around and I think she's probably grown some respect for me.

So my advice would be to not give into her; even though I know it rips you up inside. This would be up to you, but maybe counseling would be worth a try. In the end, I've learned to be more proud of myself. Which before, as you can see; everything was tore all down. If you need someone to talk to don't hesitate to drop me a line :-)

Good Luck!!!

S.

I believe you did the right thing by throwing out the "invite". I have a similar situation with my extended family. It took me years to realize that these people didn't want me around, they just wanted me to be as miserable as they were. Look at all you've been thru and where you are know....a loving husband, beautiful kids, and another one on the way. Enjoy "your" life!!!

i have not been in this situation, but my advice is that I would not dismiss your sister becasue of your mother.
If your sister would like you to be at her baby shower, then go. If your mother says or does things to you that make you uncomfortable, speak up to her...or just try to ignore her and let her see that you are not bothered. Maybe she will stop. At the very least, i would send a gift or some kind of congratulations to your sister who is expecting. If she would like to start a relationship with you again, then perhaps the two of you could meet for lunch or something alone, without your mother or other family members around.

and if you really think your mother is borderline or bipolar, perhaps look into getting her medical attention.
good luck.

Good for you for protecting yourself. It is a very sensitive situation you are in. I understand how you feel but you can always send a gift to your sister with a card from you. It sounds to me like your mother does have an issue that you have put up with for long enough. Don't waste anymore time with the whole situation send a gift to your sister and she will know that you are thinking of her. By going to the shower and trying to be the bigger person will only back fire at least in my situation it has. Once you accept that you can never make a person like your mom happy the better off you will be and it sounds like you have reached that milestone. Good for you!

R.,

Do what you need to stay healthy, and limit the family drama, but you remember: YOU are the one in control of your emotions, you are the one who can avoid feeling rejection if your family is acting up. Control your emotions and you have a great hurdle overcome - no matter what they do. I find that I have to get over the feeling that 'they don't do what everyone else's family does or what they are supposed to do'. TV really does instill a sense of something missing when life is not like a sitcom. (I think it is short for SITting for COMmercials).

I guess I would have opened the invite just to see what it was for. An invite to a shower you may or would not want to attend is also something you want to think about: You will have a niece or nephew born into this craziness, and in years to come, may want to have a relationship with you (out of self-preservation).

I think it would be important to keep the door open to possibilities for that child, even if the mother and grandmother are removed from your life. Family IS family, and I think you have the right key: love from a distance is healthier for you.

My heart aches when I think that you are going through what my Mom went through. She learned to cook at 8 and went on being Mom without the title until she was in college and for a little while when married. The rest of the family plays games too. Sad, but just what it is - you can't change others, only yourself, and I don't think anyone has the patience to try to break down that barrier in a healthy way. It has to come from both sides.

Be careful they don't try to get your oldest in on things too. My grandmother snared my younger brother. He now talks to my Mother and I like we are stupid.

I pray your situation changes, but for now, be your own best friend and family member and protect your children from the craziness. You're doing a great job it sounds like. Keep up the good work. Health is important ON ALL LEVELS.

Good luck, let me know how it works out if you want,
M.