Out of State Invitations?

I always include my sister in law when we send out invitations. She lives in anther state. I send them to keep her in the loop and so she feels like a part of the family. We certainly do not expect a gift, and she usually does not send one.

I think a nice card is a perfect response to any invitations you are not able to attend.

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We also include out of state relatives in our invites and are included by them as well, even if it is clear that they or we are not coming. I know they would feel offended if we did not include them
I think your SIL just wants to make you feel included. I would send back a cute birthday card with a "wish we could be with you" note.

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i send invites my son things to people out of state. just to let them know that we wish they could be with us. i do not expect gifts and i don't send the invites to get gifts. I just want people to know we are trying to include them in our family.

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We have a lot of family and very close friends that live out of state. We always invite them so they don't feel left out.. and of course we welcome them to stay with us if they are able to make it.

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I don't know your sister-in-law's personality and if she'd try to get gifts out of family, but we have a few close friends and a few family members that live out of state. We always include them in the invitations and with a picture of our daughter. We never, ever expect gifts. We just want to let them know they're still an important part of our lives and that they will be missed at the event.

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I agree with everyone else that she is trying to include you, plus she is a first time parent and is very excited about that. Does your mother and father in law send invitations to events? Most of the time behavior is learned from parents. I can't help but feel resentment in you posting. You say she would never come to any of your events, how do you know if you have never asked? I know a lot of Aunts/Uncles that go a long way for their nieces/nephews especially when they don't have their own kids. Does your husband (her brother) share your feelings about the invitations, is he offended as well? If not let it drop, if so then tell her and have her stop sending them to you guys. I personally think it is proper etiquette to invite whomever you wish, most people don't even send an intivation these days with the cost of postage, they text or email them. Have you guys ever seen each others kids? It just sounds like you haven't made that a priority, I mean I understand your husband being laid off and money being tight but if someone could help with the gas/hotel you wouldn't have to be on a time table unless you have kids in school and who knows he might be able to set a few interviews up along the way and get a job closer to family, plus it could be like a mini vacation something everyone can always use. Just a thought. Good luck and I hope you husband finds work soon.

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She may be sending the invites because she is trying to include you in what is happening. She may feel that it is better to send the invite versus taking the chance of having someone feel left out, even if she knows the chance of you actually coming is slim. I would just call and say thanks for the invite, we would like to come but are not financially (or whatever the reason) able to. I would not worry about the gift aspect of it, since that is something you do anyway! S.

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We have lived out of state for quite some time, but my family sends invites to their events. I appreciate being included even though we all know I won't be coming. I usually just call, thank them for including me and my family and tell them we will miss seeing them. I really doubt this woman has a negative intention. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, maybe telling her that the invites make you feel guilty that traveling to attend is not realistic for you? Either way, she is most likely trying to be nice, so I wouldn't read into it to much.

~L.

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I always send invitations to my sisters and parents who live in another state. I don't expect anything from them and it makes them feel included. My youngest sister actually gets very offended if I don't send her these things and feels like I am excluding her. I don't think she has any ulterior motives by sending the invites, just that she is trying to keep you included as you are part of the family and they are excited. I wouldn't worry about sending a birthday gift as if she is like me, she doesn't expect you to send one. If you feel that you need to send something, send a card.

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As she is also out of state, she is probably being polite by sending the invite, genuinely wishing you could be there, but doesn't expect you to attend. You've given your gift, so politely decline.

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Sounds to me like she's simply including you in his life and her excitement to be a parent. We send invitations to family who we don't expect to attend, just so they can see what's going on in our kids' life. I'd let it go.

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she could just be sending them out as a sort of announcement to people who she probably knows won't be able to come, instead of having to buy invitations and announcements also , so it still gives the option if they could possibly come but if not then they wouldn't feel left out just b/c they are out of state.

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There's no way to know what her intentions are (apart from asking her directly, of course), but I did this same thing for my baby shower and will probably continue to do so as my baby gets older. My reason? I wish my family could be nearer to me, but since they aren't, I want to extend simple gestures at special times to let them know I still think of them as my family first, above the community I've built in my new place. I don't do it for a gift, and even though I got gifts from my brother and sister as a result, it felt a little uncomfortable. I know they're both facing financial difficulties just like most people are right now, and there was no need for a gift even though it was very nice to get them. The point was to include them in something so important to our family in one of the simplest but most meaningful ways I could. They got invitations to my baby shower. They'll probably get invitations to my kids' birthdays in the future as a means of including them in our life. Whether that was your sister-in-law's intention or not, I can't say. Maybe she was being greedy and tacky, but I usually try to go for the most innocent and least accusatory assumption of people's intentions...it makes me like the world a lot more.

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I remember the first year of my son's life being so incredible and magical and wonderful and new that I wanted to share it with everyone who I loved and who loved him. I sent 1st Bday party invites to his out of state grandma and aunties just so they would feel included and know what was going on in his life - absolutely no pressure to show up or give gifts, I just wanted them to feel included and know that I felt they were an important part of his life even though they were too far away to physically show up to our big events with him. Chalk it up to a nice gesture, call on the day of his party (after it's over so you don't interrupt) and ask how it went, say you wish you could have been there, you know it is so exciting when your first baby turns one... all the nice things you can think of that you remember wanting to hear when your first child hit their milestones. His mommy will remember this, and probably write it in his baby book, enjoy your little nephew as much as you can from far away!

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I would say it's absolutely OK. It would make me feel great that they are thinking of us, and don't want to exclude us, just because we live out of state. Doesn't mean they expect you to go or even give a gift, they just want you to know you're part of the family and they haven't forgot that even though you might not live close. :)

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My husband's family all lives out of state and i like them a lot. they have always received invitations to events they would be invited to (and would likely attend if they lived closer). i don't expect them to come, and it is not a request for a gift, it's more about marking the occasion and letting them know you would like them to be there, if they could come. sometimes they call before or after. they don't usually send a gift, altho sometimes they do, it depends on the occasion.

it sounds like you live close enough that it is a long-shot possibility that you would come some time, if she is a nice person she is probably making sure you feel welcome/know you are welcome.

There are people out there who do send invites as a disguised 'gift request', (apparently a lot, if you read Miss Manners or 'Dear Prudie' on Slate...) if it turns out she is one of those people then i would say just send gifts when you want and ignore the rest.

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We often travel out of state to see our relations. You don't say how far away they live. We fly. Otherwise the children would never have gotten to know their cousins.

I live out of state and rarely know what is going on with my family. Sometimes I hear about things when someone mentions it weeks later. Some of that is my fault for not calling as often as I should, but I do feel very left out at times.

It's possible that she wants to keep you informed and make sure you know you're not forgotten by sending these invitations. It's possible she's begging for presents, but she might just want to invite you because you are family and you are important to her.

R.,
I didn't read your other responses, but I know for me, I like to send my sister in California certain special event invitations, just so she can see what we're doing/know what's going on. She does the same. We don't have any expectations attached to them, though we do buy each other's children birthday gifts; we just like the other person to feel included in family events, even though we know they can't come. Obviously, you know your sister-in-law, and you can probably surmise what her intentions are, but sometimes, relatives--even out of town--are just so excited about special events (esp. a child's first birthday), they just want to include you.

All of my husbands extended family (grandparents, aunts & uncles etc...) lives in Ohio, and we live in Oregon and I just assumed that because there is no way that they would be able to come to any of our childrens events there wasn't a reason to send an invitation, but my mother in law took me aside and explained that it was a way for them to feel included in what's going on in our lives weather they can make it or not. It is kind of a request for a gift, but it is also a way of saying that you would be welcome if cercumstances were different. I don't think your sister-in-law means anything by it, she is just including you any way she knows how. You acknowledged the invitation, you sent a gift (because you are the aunt, not because you got the invitation), so you did your part and I'm sure no one sees a problem with it.
Hope this helps.

The intention could be either way. But, to be honest, when I've thrown showers for friends, I've sent an invite to out-of-town relatives and close friends that I _know would_ want to be there if they lived closer. I see it as a way to make them feel included.

Last year, I had told an old friend that I could not come to MN for his wedding, he sent me an invitation and it was nice to have as a memento even though I couldn't travel.

For your own sake (to reduce stress and frustration for you), it might be best to try to assume that she's just trying to include you. Sisters-in-law can be hard to deal with in the best of times ;-)

She wants you to feel included. My husband and I live away from both sides of our family, and like to get these invitations. It gives us the decision whether or not we want to go. If they don't send the invitation, they are making up our minds for us. While we cannot attend everything, we can attend some things.

My sister does this as well and she also lives in out-of-state. The first time I was perplexed, but when I asked her about it she said that she wanted me to feel included in what the rest of my family was doing. She said she knew I wouldn't be able to make it and she didn't expect any gifts, but that all close family should be invited to special events even when everyone knows they can't make it. I think she was just trying to be thoughtful and so it's become our tradition. I send her invites to my kids special events and she always calls to ask how it went. That way we know that we are thinking of one another.

Parties and birthdays are big deals in our house. I design our daughter's invites each year and it's something that is important to me. Her 1st b-day party was big and I sent 70 invites (same as our x-mas card list) to friends and family all over the country - not because I wanted a gift or thought they would come, just to share in the excitement and not exclude anyone. Her second birthday was a little smaller but I still sent them to out of state family because everyone wanted an invite to keep. Her last party was the first time we did a kids only party (her 4th birthday) and I wasn't going to send invites to those who couldn't come. Well, I got calls from out-of-state family wondering where their invite was so I sent them a copy. :-) As for her cousins, I've gotten some invites from out-of-state family and some I haven't. 1st birthdays seem to be pretty common for people to send invites to everyone. I appreciate being included. If we can afford a gift, we send one; if we can't, we don't. It's as simple as that. I honestly think you're way over-thinking this. Everyone does things differently, so they are probably very excited to share the news that their little one is turning one.

Hi R.,
I have lived out of state from most of my relatives my entire life. I have sent wedding and baby shower invitations to my grandmothers and aunts not because I was fishing for gifts, but because I wanted to let them know I was thinking of them. It seemed like a small way to include them in my life from a distance. Obviously, I knew none of them would attend (who would fly from MI to WA for a baby shower?), but they did tell me that they were pleased I had thought of them. Perhaps your sister-in-law is doing the same thing?

I don't think there any rules for this. When my children were young I don't think I sent invitations out of state with the exception of the first year of our oldest because I was excited.
My sister & brother in law do send invitations from out of state to us every year and I'm delighted to get them and see what type of party they are having. I never feel an expectation that I need to travel which would involve plane travel. It's their way of keeping us in the loop of their lives.

I think it sounds more like a courtious invite, no spite involved. If you have a good relationship with them and there are no underlying issues, I don't see anything wrong with it.
Perhaps you're reading too much into it, when it could just be their way of saying they're thinking of you and wishing you could go.
Cheers!

I'm not sure what the etiquette is on this, but I've sent invitations to out of town relatives just so they wouldn't feel left out of what's going on in our lives. I don't expect anything from them and usually send an email to that effect. Is there a chance that she might be just keeping you "in the loop"? Are you able to ask her or express how you're feeling about it? Sometimes, that's the easiest way to deal with things like this. It may be completely unintentional on her part and she may feel bad thinking that it made you feel this way. I know I'd feel horrible if my relatives felt that way about me sending them things. :-)

After I sent this, all the other responses showed up and I realized you've already answered my question. Sorry. Family dynamics can be difficult. I hope things smooth out quickly for you. :-)

I'm sure they understand and are sending you the invite because they don't want to leave you out rather than that they really expect you to attend.

I don't know what proper etique is. We sometimes send invitations back and forth to my out-of-state relatives but more so they know what is going on than expecting them to come or expecting a gift. I send to my parents so my mom can scrapbook. I wouldn't send to a relative that then felt obligated to come just because I invited them.

we do this in our family we dont expect people to come from out of state but send invites so they know they are thought of and also so that they can call while the rest of the family is around and we pass the phone around the room there are never any expextations we just want everyone to feel included

Not sure if you or your sister-in-law lives by any family but I don't live by my family and I really love to get invitations from friends and family to all the family parties that I would be involved in if I only lived closer. I view it as a way to keep connected with my family and a nice gesture that (some of them) still include me. Not sure what the proper etiquette is but if it was me I would just view it as another way your sister in law is trying to keep in touch.

Hi R.. In my family, several of the brothers/sisters send invitations to everyone in the family. They do this because it keeps the family connected. Just because I cannot go doesn't mean I wouldn't like to go. My family loves me and wants to include me in family matters. They are not gift hungry, as you seem to be implying your family is. The answer to that question I do not have. But, I would be inclined to think the best of people. I would think that they do not want to leave you out. Perhaps you could call during the scheduled party, just to say hello and wish the party-goers a happy time. You sound a little bitter, so try not to let that show in your voice. They probably have the best of intentions, while you are looking for an ulterior motive. hmmm. I hope the best for you and your relationship with your family. M.

I always try to create a special invitation and end up feeling very proud of how they turned out. Therefore I want my closest sister, cousin and Nana in S California to know the theme and to expect some pics on Picassa soon about the party. It's not always about the gifts.

Hi! I totally understand that you cannot go to these events...however just like your sister-in-law, I used to send invitations to relatives that lived out of state because I wanted them to feel included! And I just wanted to let them know in a sense, that they are always invited if ever they could make it out way...it was really for me, just to include everyone in our family. I certainly was not asking for a gift, and I would totally understand if they could not come...but I just wanted them to know, that we would love to have them join in the fun. I have since stopped sending invitations, but I used to do that when my kids were younger, because I wanted to include all family members - (and I was probably overly excited about my kids birthdays!!)

hope that helps a bit....you certainly don't need to feel guilty about not going, a nice card in the mail to say thanks for the invite, and so sorry we can't be there to help celebrate the special day would be lovely!

S.

I have a feeling that they just want to make sure people feel included. THey know you can't make it, but at least you know about it and they are excited and can share that with you. I don't know your in-laws, but I would imagine that they have sent one to all family members in state or not. I would try to assume good intentions; that they are excited, want to share their news with family and friends, etc.

I have out of state relatives and don't send the invites either. Is it possible that she doesn't want you to feel left out? I know some people like to just be invited, even if they have no intention of going. It could also be used as a little reminder to you to send a gift? I hope not though.

You could always just mention that she should save her money on stamps...

maybe she just doesnt want to leave you out...just a kind gesture...i live 2000 miles away from my family and I get invites to some special occasions that they really dont believe I will be attending just because I am invited...I wouldnt look into it so much...

After reading your follow-up info, it sounds like it may be your sis-in-law's etiquette perhaps kicking in to overdrive -- is she really good about sending thank you notes, too? If no, then I think there may be other "stuff" going on, since it doesn't sound like (historically) she's really made other attempts to make you feel "included" in their lives. Since money is tight, and you cannot attend the party, I would encourage you to just send a warm, happy card pre-emptively for the next birthday.

I have been invited to many out of town showers as well as inviting people that are out of town to many of the parties (not just showers) that we have. I never see it as a request for a gift rather I see it as an acknowledgement that that person wishes you could be there - they know you likely will not be able to but they didn't want to leave you out and if there is any chance that you can make it they would LOVE that because you are important to them. This is the spirit in which I invite out of towners to our parties and with which I receive invites from others who are out of town.

My partner sends invites to family members for parties we know they will not attend, but we want them to be able to "keep up" with what is going on in their neice, granddaughters lives. We dont do it expecting them to come (just the opposite!) and dont expect presents, just want them to feel a little closer and more a part of things.

I personally have sent invitations to my sisters who live out of state just for the sake of them seeing the invites I made. It's more of an announcement of sorts. I don't think you need to send a gift. I think sending a gift for the birth of a baby is appropiate, but after that, not necessary. I would call her up and tell her you received the invitation, offer congratulations for the exciting milestone and tell her to give your nephew a birthday hug from you and your husband. She just wants a little attention for the excitement and joy she is feeling about her son turning one. I wouldn't read too much into the intention behind sending the invite.

they are probably just trying to be nice and include you. You have to remember way back to when you had your first baby. It's exciting and your whole world revolves around them. If they are truly wanting you to come to these events the least they can do is give you more advanced notice. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Just reply that you can't come and thank them for thinking of you. Hopefully, at some point you can all get together and let the kids get to know each other.

We send and recieve invitations with my brother in law's family out of state. Its' not either of us gift begging, but just how we both have decided to include each other. We know when their party is and we sometimes call to wish our neice a happy birthday etc.

For us, it's the same reason for sending thank you cards. We want to make sure we're involved in each other's lives and it's nice for the girls to recieve mail from each other.

I think that she is just excited to celebrate milestones in her child's life, and wants to include others - maybe she wants you to feel included and wants to share the invite with you - not expecting that you will come, but as a way to involve you in this exciting birthday.

Could it be that she just wants you to feel included in the family plans? I live in a different state from most of my relatives including my sister-in-law and both sisters. I often times send them invitations to my son's events. They say like to see the invites and feel they know a little more of what's going on in our lives. I never do this expecting a gift from them, and I realize they can't attend either.

I sent invitations to my baby shower to friends in california and in other parts of the US, not because I necessarily thought they could come or wanted a gift, but because I wanted them to know they were special to me and I couldn't imagine not sending them an invite to something so special. It may be that, although she knows you can't make it to these occasions and may not even be able to send a gift, she simply wants to make sure you feel included, and she does this by sending you an invitation anyway.

I have struggled with this. Some people like to get invited, even if they definitely can't make it. It lets them know that you are thinking of them. I have sent invitations for this reason, and just tried to spread 'word of mouth' that no presents are requested. It is awkward, isn't it?
I can understand not wanting to say 'are you scamming for presents?', but you could address the issue by apologizing for not coming, but emphasizing how hard it would be to make such an event, especially on short notice. Or you could ask 'Would you like invitations for our events?'. Maybe she would make an attempt to come to a party for your kids... Assuming you actually would like to go if she lived close by, or would like her to come to your house if she could, these are honest questions which might open up the lines of communication.

Since my husband and I had children, we have lived many states away from the rest of our families. When my children (twins) turned one we sent invitations to immediate family members and friends with an updated picture. We knew the family was not going to travel 4 states away to join us, but I thought it was a nice way to keep in touch. I never heard from family whether or not it bothered them about the invitation, but I would say it might be a way to communicate. Likewise for 1st birthdays and baby showers I seemed to receive invitations from close friends(who also lived 2-3 states away), I loved feeling in the loop and it gave me a chance to be part of their "big" event if I was not there in person. One year we sent a quick video bithday song, sounds silly, but it was fun! Not sure if this helps, but I would think of it as a way of communication with the family ties. You could maybe call to say thanks for the invitation, and send your regrets for not attending and well wishes for the party and see if the sis-in-law responds to her reasoning for sending the corrrespondence.

It sounds like she is just very excited about her child and wants to include you. Even if you can't come, it is still polite to ask.

I think some people were brought up to think it was rude Not to;-(( She shouldn't expect a gift though!
I feel for you-- I hope your hubby finds work.

I occasionally send impotrand invites to my sister who lives far away. It is just becuase she always feels left out and excluded from big events be ause she lives far away. So, even though we know she isn't going to make the trip, we want her to know about the event and know that we would have loved to have her be a part of it.