How Should I Handle This? - Mesa,AZ

Sometimes, when a life change is anticipated (birth, marriage, death), people re-think relationships and family. Perhaps this mom-to-be is re-thinking the distance that exists between her half-siblings or step-family members. And maybe she wants to establish communication, and is thinking that a shower is a good ice-breaker.

Or, maybe she doesn't care but wants to collect gifts by any means.

But, since she is your dh's half-sister, I'd give her the benefit of a doubt, without going overboard. I'd buy her a simple gift, like a nice photo frame for the baby, or a couple of babies' books (the soft cloth kind). And even if you don't attend the shower, send the gift with a warm and polite card.

If all you receive is a generic thank-you note and don't hear more, and if she doesn't seem to be trying to forge a friendly relationship, then you have your answer. If she replies and sends you a photo of the baby without asking for anything, and seems friendly, then perhaps you'll take another step towards a friendship or at least a family relationship.

But even if you and your dh decide that you both want nothing to do with her or the baby or that part of the family, I would encourage you to do the polite thing and politely decline the invitation, and perhaps just send a card expressing your kind wishes for a happy and healthy baby.

This might be a first step toward some kind of relationship. Depending on your response, that door may never be opened again. Do you want to get to know them? Did you or your husband ever reach out to them in 25 yrs? This may be a good first step. Maybe the kids didn't know about him. Maybe they were told he wanted nothing to do with him. Who knows? This could be a good first step!

I know this is hard, but don't hold the kids responsible for what the parents did. Kids meaning your DH and half sister. What else could they do but follow their parents lead. Maybe she is aware of this and trying to undo the past?

Also this is a separate relationship from your DH and his father. Don't hold her responsible for his sins.

The truth is that things that were black and white as a child suddenly became shades of gray as we become adults. As we mature we tend to understand that there are three sides to every story (yours, theirs, and what really happened) and the third side is usually the most accurate.

What do you have to lose by sending a card or gift?

Just stay firm with your boundaries.

I agree with the others....it should really be your husband's decision, and you guys need to be on the same page and have the same goal, whatever that may be.

If you didn't want a relationship with her I don't understand why you accepted her friend request on FB? Maybe she thinks you want to actually be friends and that's why she sent you an invite.
Honestly if you don't want to go then just rsvp "no" and move on.
And going forward treat your FB like your real life, only be "friends" with people you actually WANT in your life.

Shower invitations are typically just sent to women. That's changing to some degree as more and more people see that fathers are involved in childcare and even weddings (with wedding showers). So the fact that it didn't come to your husband isn't, by itself, a surprise.

Perhaps she's reaching out and trying to make connections. Sometimes people do that when they are in a happy time of their life and feeling the absence of family. Who knows? Or, perhaps she's grubbing for every gift she can. It's hard to know. But I don't think it pays to think the absolute worst - it eats you up.

Whatever you do, do it with perfect manners. Either send a nice note declining the invitation, saying you are unable to attend (no further explanation) and you wish her good luck. If you want to pave the way for possible reconciliation, then you can send a SMALL token gift to the hostess of the shower or to the prospective mom herself. Don't feel the obligation to attend, but don't go over the old wounds now either. But please don't ignore it - that's exactly what has been done to you, and you have hated it. Take the higher road and be the bigger person. If you don't get a thank you, and if you get a birth announcement that you feel is yet another request for gifts, that's another problem entirely. Then you're done - if there are no new manners from that side of the family, don't extend yourself further.

It's up to you about accepting a Facebook friend request. If you stay connected, you can certainly limit what she can see to just a few general posts, and see how things go.

She sounds like she is .reaching out to your husband through you. And that might be understandable -- maybe she figures that the occasion of a shower is a reason to open this door. There's nothing wrong with that; she might be a terrific person who is at a point in her life where she's realizing she missed out on knowing her half-brother, and who wants to start slowly reaching out but also is afraid of rejection if she flat-out phones him and says, "Hi! It's me!" You cannot know her motivation here but why not assume the best, and give her the benefit of the doubt?

The key thing here, which you don't mention at all, is how your husband feels about this invitation and, more importantly, about her being in touch at all. He wasn't invited possibly because it's more traditional to ask only women to some showers, or maybe she feels you'll relate better to her since you're both women--who knows? Maybe .she is worried that he'll be baffled if she approaches him after this long so she'll approach you first instead. Again, nothing really wrong with that; it would be nice if she felt she could just contact him again and say "I'd like to be in touch with you" directly to him, but she might be .worried that he'll reject that out of hand.

I would send her a very nice card from both you and your husband, absolutely, and a gift card for her registry if you want. If husband wants to be in at least minimal touch with her, see if he will write a brief note in the card. People often blank out when this kind of thing comes up, but it's enough if he just says something like, "It was a nice surprise for us to hear from you and we hope things go well with the baby. My e-mail address is XYZ and I'd be glad to hear from you again." If he doesn't want to be in touch at all, you send the card and gift card yourself.

Have you told your husband about this and talked with him about opening this door? .This is going to dredge up some hurt for him, but I hope he doesn't blame her personally for that hurt; it was his dad who was responsible, not a half-sister who apparently is quite a bit younger. You note that she is in her 30s and hasn't spoken to him "in 25 or more years" -- so you do realize that she was still a child when for whatever reason, she and/or her family stopped speaking to him, right? And if she hasn't spoken to you "in the 20 years" of your marriage she was just a child or teen when you got married. I hope you and husband see that the math here means she, herself, likely didn't ever really know this older half-brother very well; he got married (and moved away?) when she was still young enough to do what her parents told her, and also young enough that she probably didn't know or understand his hurt.

I guess I'd just say, give her the benefit of the doubt, and don't let the decades of silence prevent your husband from getting back in touch if he wants. She can only have been a kid back when he was going through the pain his father inflicted. She might never have been told much about your DH, or told things that aren't true, and maybe now she's realizing he's part of her family too.

I'm thinking it's never too late in life to forgive forgive. Maybe you don't want to go to the shower.But maybe she wants family for her new child. Maybe she realizes the importance of it now. You can send a present if you don't want to go. Keep in touch on FB. Never too late and maybe you are a connection to her brother.She might have felt like she was betraying her father before, because your DH was from first mom. Give her a chance.

You are making a lot of assumptions about a situation that it doesn't sound like you know a lot about. ("the step mom, I'm guessing, just wanted her husband to me more involved with her children....")
If you don't want to go then just send a card with a gift card to Babies R Us for $20. She IS a total stranger. SHE extended the branch to YOU by friending you. Did you friend her? Have you made the effort to get to know her? 20 years is a long time to judge. Maybe SHE wants to know why YOU haven't made the effort.....
The blame game never has a winner.
L.

Regardless of past history, it seems like she's trying to make an attempt to change things. People often do that when they start their own families and realize they don't like how things went as children or young adults.

You can either accept it or not. Either way is fine, but you need to understand that this changes things regardless. The future distance or closeness of the relationship will be your choice, depending on what you decide to do.

She's a stranger.
Why did you even friend her on Facebook?
And I particularly dislike superficial people who 'friend' me for the purpose of a gift grab.

Decline the invite to the baby shower, and if/when the birth announcement arrives - if you feel inclined to send her anything at all - send a congratulations card complete with a family picture portrait (complete with you, your husband, your kids) so they know what their distant cousins look like.
And leave it at that.

I would rsvp no, thank her for the invitation, and also send her a nice card congratulating her on the expected new baby. It's no big deal. If you feel like it you can send a baby gift from her registry, but you don't even need to do that. We lived in Alaska when we had our first child and were far from family. So everyone mailed us a gift...it was very thoughtful. You don't know her and so you don't even need to send anything but a congratulations card would be sweet.

I would decline if you're not comfortable. Just politely decline.
Maybe she's just trying to be polite. My husband's family is like that. We've had invitations to things from people we barely know, because we're still family. We tend to be busy those days :) Be gracious about it. But don't go to something where you obviously don't want to be.

It's a nice gesture. Do you and DH want to reconnect?

Send a gift. She's making an effort. She isn't her father.

I would see if she's registered anywhere and get her a middle cost gift but since you're so far away send your regrets.

I would probably go unless you feel like it would be really uncomfortable. Does your husband have an interest in having a relationship with her? if so. at the very least send her a thoughtful gift. I feel like as an adult, I would want to develop a relationship with a long lost sibling.

Seems to me she is after all the stuff she can get. I would send a card wishing her congratulations and sign it with your name and your husbands. You could get a gift card if you wanted but I wouldn't be compelled to do so. Maybe she is trying to establish a relationship or may not. I am more of the not.

Hi KK,

What does your husband have to say about all this? My knee jerk reaction is to MAYBE hit the card aisle and CVS and send her your congratulations. If she is, in fact, attempting to reach out then the ball become courtside for her and she can make the next move. There's no way I would send a gift....ppfffftttt.. :-) S.

weird.
if you're interested in making a connection, send a card and a small gift.
if you're all fine with continuing the zero-connection deal, ignore it.
i'm pretty sure i'd go with the latter. but maybe you're nicer than i.
:) khairete
S.