My Teen Daughter Is Having Having a Difficult Time with a Recent Breakup

3 weeks isn't long enough to get over it - but it was only 6 months.
If anything she should take this time to consider how 'head over heels' she throws herself into her next relationship - and there WILL be more sooner or later.
She has school and friends and activities that she can focus on.
Besides that - she's got her own college career coming up in a few years - she should do what she can to start getting ready for it - it creeps up on you faster than you think!
Give it a few more weeks and if things haven't improved by then, THEN get a counseling session for her.

It depends on whether you see any alarming or harmful behaviors in her. Is she still getting up to go to school, eating, doing homework, seeing friends? Or is she holed up in her room 24/7, crying and withdrawing from life?

Sounds like he is older than she is and may be maturing or at least emotionally prepping for going away. It probably hurts her to know that he's been planning this for some time, but at least he didn't let it drag on, using her for entertainment or companionship until the last minute. He's looking ahead to his studies, but also to his involved social life (guys and girls) in a residential setting. Wisely, he saw how hard it is to maintain a relationship with someone back home.

If she sees him in the halls, that can be so tough. On the plus side, she's still in the middle of the school year and surrounded by other friends and activities. I'd help her stay busy, not to deny the hurt, but to prove to herself that she can go on. She would have been pretty date-less next year anyway, so now she's getting the jump on that and looking around for other things to keep her busy. If it helps her to hate him (a little) in the short run, that can be beneficial because anger can be strengthening ("I deserve better than that treatment" and so on). But if it eats away at her because she thinks she can change him or win him back, that's a bad thing.

Some friendships aren't meant to continue forever - people grow and change, and it's okay when they run their course. Sometimes there's a break-up, and other times people just kind of drift apart. So, what has she learned about herself in these 6 months? Did she feel she was valuable and attractive because a boy thought so? (Not a positive.) Or did she learn that she is a good and loyal friend? (Definitely a positive.) If she has to learn that things at 16 aren't forever, that's okay - hard, but okay.

I wouldn't focus too much on "You'll find another boy soon" (because maybe she won't, and because it's demeaning), but more that she's a lovely person and a good friend and that there are plenty of people (groups, both genders) who enjoy being with her, and here's her opportunity to share her good self with them.

And otherwise I think you can let her feel the pain without feeling you need to be the one to fix it. The best thing for her is to be of help to others, and that can help pull her out of her funk and see her value.

I don't know, three weeks doesn't seem all that long for a 16 year old. The high school years can be pretty emotional, especially for girls.

What are your conversations like? I'm assuming you do a lot of listening. Does she talk about wanting him back or just missing him? Do you listen and then help guide her towards a positive activity - going to the gym, doing something with her friends, going shopping?

It's important for her to have a way to talk about her feelings. If not with you, maybe a close friend. It's also important for her to continue living. By that I mean, she needs to do things with her friends. She needs to find happiness within herself. It's ok that she's still not ok with the breakup as long as she isn't dwelling. "Roller coaster" to me means she isn't dwelling, but she does have some days where she's still mourning.

I think an important question to ask yourself is, is she mourning or dwelling. Mourning is ok. Dwelling is something you might need to address.

I'm reading all the responses b/c I have an almost 16 year old daughter at home myself. She hasn't had her first boyfriend/breakup yet. But one of her good friends has been dating a boy/in a relationship since school started this fall (August here). While we were at the store earlier today, she asked me to buy some big marshmallows and a bag of gummy bears, b/c her friend's boyfriend broke up with her today.

I don't know firsthand how she's dealing with it, but I know she has gal pals that will be there for her and try to help her feel better (my daughter among them). Is your daughter spending time with her friends, or is she just holed up in her room all the time she isn't at school? If she's just mopey, but still doing things with friends at least a little bit, then just give it a little more time. I would encourage her to find things to do. Being physically occupied helps distract the brain and heart as well. I'm not sure that counseling is the next step here. (You didn't mention any specifics that seem to warrant deep concern--she's not cutting herself, refusing to eat, not caring about her appearance or staying in bed and missing school, for example...)
It's not fun and it's not easy. But geez, I swear, it seems to me that the "easy" answer for everything in today's world seems to be "get counseling".... I just don't see (from the information you provided) that it is warranted at this point.
She'll come around.

If you feel she's having a tough time getting through this then make an appointment for her to talk to someone. It may just take 1 or 2 appointments for her to get it figured out or she may hear that you want her to go to therapy and it might give her the kick in the pants to get on with her life.

A 6 month relationship at 16 is a huge deal. It's going to take time (and a lot of patience on your part).
Unless she has stopped seeing her friends, stopped going to school or started acting in a concerning manner, I think she just needs space and time to process it.
Maybe plan a girls weekend for in a few weeks time and spend the time havi. Some pampering (nails hair maybe a new outfit or 2).
I hope she's feeling better soon!

I agree it depends on how she seems to be coping. Is she locked in her room sobbing or is she starting to venture out again with friends? Three weeks after a 6 month relationship doesn't seem like that long. Plus this was probably her first serious (at least to her) relationship so it's going to take longer.

Expect good and bad days. Remind her that you're there for her and be ready to just listen. Maybe tell her, "You seem really upset over this and I don't think I'm helping. Would you like me to find someone for you to talk to?". Be careful not to bad-mouth him because it will backfire on you. And avoid anything that includes, "You're young..." because she is experiencing some grown up emotions right now and you don't want to belittle her or her feelings accidentally.

Good luck with this and trust your instincts.

i'm glad you aren't just brushing this off as 'puppy love.' i think sometimes adults are too cavalier about the deep, passionate roller coaster of adolescent emotions.

i'm mainly concerned about it being a roller coaster for 'both of you.' you can understand and be sympathetic and supportive and helpful, but you should NOT be doing the mourning dance with her.

even if you loved the boy and miss him, this is not about you. you need to be her rock, her refuge and her safe place to land, not her fellow sufferer.

there's no set time for a teenager to recover from heartbreak. i wouldn't expect her to have moved on after three weeks.

rather than a time span, i'd be paying attention to the degree and manifestations of her grief. sobbing and experiencing episodes of intense sadness are one thing. self-harm would be another altogether.

i mean, if you're seriously worried, it can't hurt to get her counseling now. but i must say, i question the tendency of modern parents to run to counseling for every little thing. this isn't a little thing, but a healthy psyche doesn't need a professional counselor to get through life.

i think a better place to start is by putting yourself in the position of anchor for her. listen, be open, be warm, but don't wring your hands with her or try to advise her out of her sadness or tell her how to feel.
khairete
S.

My 22 year old daughter had a break up in high school.

It I hard for them because they are already so emotional.

My advice is to be there for her and listen (don't talk), just listen to her and support her. I think it is good for your to consider counseling if you think she needs it. You know her best.

Good luck... she'll get through it.

Three weeks isn't a long time at all to process the loss of a 6 month relationship for your 16 year old daughter. That's not even 1 week per month.

My best friend's youngest daughter had a tough breakup when she was in high school. She was devastated but she just began to focus on herself and her education and the things that made her feel alive and helpful and fulfilled like helping others.

Fast forward 10 years later and they reconnected and are married and have 2 children together.

She made him work really hard to win her back since he was the one that broke her heart in the first place. In the between time she met and dated some really awesome guys and learned a ton of things about herself. So when he did return into her life she was a mature woman and not the girl he left behind. He had to learn her and win her over. It wasn't easy but he did.

Your daughter has to finish high school, determine what she is going to do with her post high school life and so many other things to focus on. He can't be the center of her world. She needs to be a lot more selfish and think about her future with out him and how she can make a better life for herself. Make lemonade from these lemons. You encourage her to do just that.

My one serious high school boyfriend was a hard breakup. He was already off at college when it happened. It took several months for it to stop hurting on a regular basis. I didn't date anyone else until I was in college, but I was older than your daughter, a senior at the time.

One thing that did not help with healing was the fact that he came back to our hometown for visits and breaks. I wasn't mature enough to keep away and he wasn't mature enough to not let his ego get inflated over the attention.

There was nothing my mom could do to make it better, but I can tell you that badmouthing him will make it worse. Even if she does it, just pat her back and nod, basically. Whatever your internal struggles are with this, keep it on the down-low.

Even though I was hurting for a long while, I was still functional. I needed some alone time in the beginning but when the initial shock wore off it was helpful to see my friends and do normal things that I enjoyed. School went on as usual, I had a job, made future plans, etc. If your daughter gets reclusive, grades slipping (long term), not seeing friends, skipping things she used to enjoy - those are warning signs.

Girls can be so emotional at that age. I recall a break up when I was in high school. The way I got over it was to stay really busy and I frequently asked friends to go out and do things after school and on weekends when there was time. When the word got out that we broke up, I did get a few other guys that asked me out and if I half way liked them, I would go. It did help to make me feel like I wasn't a "reject".
When the other person initiates a break up, you can feel that way. Sometimes it also helps to take that attitude of "who needs them anyway?" Sounds silly, but it does somehow feel empowering!

Your daughter needs to learn that he broke up because he needs to focus on his education. This had nothing to do with her in general. But that's the hard part. She thinks she was not good enough for him to stay in the relationship. Therefore, you need to work with her on her self-esteem and that she is pursuing her own goals to become more independent.

She probably needs more that 3 weeks to adjust to it and learn by herself to get back on track. Don't start counseling too early and give her some time to learn how to deal with her emotions by herself.

Let it go for a little longer. If it is still a problem in 2 month I would ask for counseling.