Last night we planned a pre-celebratory Thanksgiving with my Husband's brother and his wife and family. I planned the whole evening to include a nice dinner. A couple of hours before we were expecting them, my SIL called me and said that she invited some of our mutual friends to come over as well to watch football. At first I didn't know how to respond because I was really taken aback. I asked her why the plans were changing and she said because her husband (my BIL) said that if we didn't have the football game on he wouldn't come over. She said that this other couple called them and asked if they were going to watch the game and she said "We're going to D.'s house for THanksgiving. Go over there and we'll all watch the game." This was not part of our plan. Apparently the game was supposed to air earlier but the station changed the time to 5pm. Instead of expressing my discontent at the fact SHE changed the evening plans for my house, I went along with it. After we hung up I told my DH what had just occurred and he said we should cancel the dinner and that my SIL should have cleared it with us first.
I should mention that she is a very defensive person. People always comment that they feel they have to walk on egg shells around her. I feel the same and I guaranty if I had cancelled she would have become upset and somehow made it seem that I was being a big you know what!
I insisted we keep our plans because I just didn't know if cancelling was overreating. We were all still getting together. I didn't want to come off as rude. Would it have been rude for me to cancel? Should I express this to my SIL and ask that she ask me first next time?
Years ago, I would have cranked and cancelled and whined. Now that life is passing me by I say the more the merrier. If that ever happens again, which by now is over, take the food you made and split it up into hordouevres or something. Life is too short. Unless you don't have room for extra people. Then of course tell them that. And tell miss eggshells to loosen up, she sounds rather cranky.
Oh no, there is NO way I would have consented to my SIL dictating who comes to MY house. Sorry, but I would have said, "We will do this another time." I don't care if she would have gotten upset at all. It was your plan, your house and you do have the final say. She was rude and inconsiderate but what is done is done. You would not have been rude to cancel! It's your house!! I wouldn't bother mentioning this again to your SIL unless it ever happens again. And should it happen again, cancel the date and let her figure out how to entertain HER guests on her own. She was out of line to do that to you. Your husband was absolutely right to say the plans should have been canceled and he should have called his dear sister right back and give her a piece of his mind ~ in a loving way of course.
Wow. This is your husband's brother and his wife, right?
I would let your husband handle it. If he wanted to cancel, I would have gone along with him.
I never would have told my sister I would ONLY go to her house if there was this or that, let alone something on TV.
Are they going for dinner or for football? Many people I know turn the TV off during the meal while having a gathering such as that.
Inviting someone else, even if they are mutual friends, without asking the hosts first is highly unacceptable.
If your husband's first thought was to cancel, I would let him deal with it. It doesn't sound like he'll be too shy about saying anything. That way, it takes the heat off of you and YOU don't have to worry about how you come across.
Just my opinion.
SHE is not the 'boss' of your home or gathering.
How rude.
Your Husband is right.
So what if she is a defensive person... she is a BULLY.
I would not put up with her... at.... all.... period.
Don't be scared of her.
Your Husband should ALSO deal with her.... this is your home, not hers.
In the future...I would NOT placate her each time... people like that.... KNOW who will be their door-mat or not.
You are not subservient to her... you should NOT have to 'ask' her permission for anything. It is your home. SHE is rude... not you.
This is your husband's sibling? I would let him handle his family...LOL That's what I do. =) Good luck!
You should have told SIL that asking for the game to be on was one thing but inviting extra people to your home, especially when you are preparing food for those that were invited and expected was out of line.
I allow my husband to handle his own family. If he blows it off or pretend like it's not a big deal, I ignore them and continue with my plans, comments, etc. It sounds like she has to be in control. If you give into the control then you basically need to just hang it up. If your husband doesn't talk with her, then you need to pull her aside and just discuss your concerns. There's nothing wrong with discussing issues that affect you directly.
If certain people would just allow married people to make their own decisions, there would be more people happily married.........
Honestly since she is your sister in law and your husband said to cancel I really think it should be between your husband and his brother so as to not cause conflict with yourself and you in laws. Your husband should call your brother and let him know they looked forward to them coming over and had the evening planned which did not include the game and it is alright if you watch the game but you did not have any intention of having any additional guest.
You could also change it on them and say since you invited friends and you really want to watch the game I think we should have a potluck at your house as it could be more fun. Then you can have a dinner the next day or later at your house with your immediate family.
I experience the same issues.
You have a few days. You could have YOUR HUSBAND call and change the plans, including uninviting people if you wish. The mutual friends may not want to come if they know you don't want them or that she invited them.
You did the right thing. Cancelling would have made it into a huge deal-and I think you know that. Even though it was extremely rude of them to hijack your dinner party. I would be more mad at the fact that FOOTBALL would have to be watched.
In the future I wouldn't make this kind of plan with them.
i would cancel. in fact, i wouldn't cancel, i would call her up and say if you guys are still getting together with 'the friends' then we should plan something else next time. she will ask why, and just tell her you had planned this gathering for the two families, not for a crowd.
when all else fails you let your husband deal with it. if he is not open for the get together and football, then he needs to call her and ask her if they all want to have dinner at your house after they watch the game at her place.
If it were me, I would have let this be my husband's call. You don't know how far ahead of the game you are to have a husband who actually *gets it*. He doesn't want to be held in the thrall of his sister, and this is his family, so I would have let him choose what he wanted to do. Me, personally, I'm not one to let the fear of someone having a hissy fit make me decide to do something I don't want to do. If you feel like this was an inconvenience, then tell her that next time, she should ask a few days in advance, so that you can make sure to have enough food for everyone.
This would have been a different situation entirely if she'd called and asked if this would work for you for her to invite others. Many considerate adults know to do this and have some awareness in this regard. Another thing to consider: do you want this to happen in coming years? Because if you don't address it now, she's likely to do it again. It sounds like your husband wants to nip it in the bud. And just out of curiousity, why would it be *you* that was a "being a big you know what"? Isn't that what she's doing, by choosing not to be considerate? And her husband choosing not to come over unless the football game was on? Wow. Either he can be a grown-up about it, or eat at home. These people sound like a lot of work...
What you do depends on what you want. If you really don't care, you might ask her to bring something for dinner to cover the extra mouths that you hadn't planned on.
If you really don't want your living room turned into a football stadium, you might ask your spouse to talk to his brother. In the end it's HIS relationship, and you need to stay out of it. Let him be the bad guy.
Good luck to you!
Why don't you have your husband speak with his brother about the situation. Maybe your BIL can be a little bit more proactive on your behalf the next time this kind of situation comes up. He can be the one to put the kabosh on his wife's insensitive ways in the future, not you.
Oh, and I would cancel. I would probably say something like, "Since I only planned on serving dinner for your family and my family, and it appears that the football game and spending time with your friends is very important to you, then we'll just get together another time." But definitely have your husband speak with his brother about this so that your BIL can be the one to rein in his wife before it even becomes an issue for you.
Sorry that you are having to go through this.
D., I think you did the right thing.
I'm not sure how far in advanced this dinner was planned but it sounds like your in laws expected a casual get together and that your BIL wasn't really sold on it in the first place since football obviously gets the priority. The game was changed last minute and things were obviously very thrown off.
I guess what's important now that it's over with is how to move forward with future plans. And I'd say ask yourself what are your underlying motives to get together with them at all. What is your end goal? (i.e. improve the relationship, help them/you feel connected to family, is this mutual?, etc...) If the whole association is dragging you down and you'd rather distance yourself, I'd say let it be water under the bridge and just invite them over less and less often until they mature. But if you want to persue improving the relationship you'll have to address it and move on. I'd make the guess that their ideas about having company are obviously less formal than yours and they are either total jerks or they have no idea that you feel the way you do about company and respecting other's planning. Maybe like others have suggested you could have your husband point out (nicely) that the evening was important to you both and mention the preparation and thought that had been put into the night and then to have them last minute threaten to not come at all or come only if they could have football and other friends along really disappointed you both and hurt feelings, etc... So that going forward they will have the opportunity to respect your love and thought in having them over and they'll take it more seriously. If they can't handle hearing that, well, good luck, then you've got some serious emotional and maturity problems on your hands.
Either way it would have just added fuel to an unneccesary fire to have suddenly canceled and joined in their behavior. You have the uperhand here. Good job.
