Is This Rude and Weird or I Am off Base?

I'm going to be the Devil's Advocate here..

Maybe they didn't know what to say when put on the spot, but after talking alone decided they wanted to enjoy his "first" Halloween alone - together as an immediate family. I agree what they did was poorly thought out and could have been handled better --- that said --- I don't think its fair to feel like you should get their child on holidays because you and your children babysit for them when they need help.

This is their first Halloween, new parents... let them enjoy it. Don't let something this little cause a problem. Talk to them about another weekend that you could have Mom come up and maybe do dinner or something fun as a big family.

11 moms found this helpful

No I don't.
I think that your brother and sister in law want to do Halloween themselves with the baby.
I have two teens that babysit and no way in hell would I alllow them to go out with a baby in a stroller without me and/or the mom of the baby with them, and my girls are both good girls, get straight A's, go to youth group, the whole bit. Not on Halloween though.
So I think your sil and brother didn't know how to tell you no. Let it go. Enjoy Halloween, and have a great Thanksgiving. You have a good brother who is protecting his little family. Go to his house early tomorrow so you can see the baby and then let your girls go get their loot.

9 moms found this helpful

Well remember how when we all just had one child and we over reacted over such silly little things.
I was constantly obsessed with germs with my oldest when he was a baby. I didn't want people picking him up.
My sister only has one child..she is the same way with different issues. I would just let it go. Don't take it personally. Its hard being a parent for the first time and making all the right choices.
Be grateful for the relationship you have with your brother and let go of the other stuff.

7 moms found this helpful

Sounds like they decided they wanted to do his first Halloween in their own home, I think I would feel the same, however I think he should have been up front about this.

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The SIMPLE solution to his "issue" would be.... to ACCOMPANY his baby son.... on the Halloween route, with your kids.
Besides, adults/the parents, should ALWAYS accompany and supervise the young children, as they go house to house in the neighborhood. For safety at the least.
If that were me and I had a 10 month old... and with the same scenario you described about trick or treating.... "I" would be going ALONG with the entire group of kids...and be the one to push my baby in the stroller.
I frankly... would NOT let my baby out of my sight... at night... with some other kid pushing him in a stroller... unless I was there myself. And with all the trick or treating or vehicle traffic or who knows what... at night.

THAT would be the common sense thing, for him to do, as a Dad. Instead of giving a lame excuse and canceling the entire event, all together.

So, maybe he has other 'issues'... and just can't come clean with being honest about it.

Or, maybe he just wants to be sure, his baby boy goes to bed on time... as usual... since trick or treating is actually a big-kid event... and he does not want his baby to be out of his bedtime routine etc. OR, he may be telling you that 'excuse' because his Wife is not comfortable with it.
Still... it is their baby son...and their right... to decide, IF their BABY goes trick or treating....
Babies... typically go to bed early. By 7:00pm many times. But that is also when 'big kids' go trick or treating.
So it is a conflict of timing... at the least.

Or maybe, your Brother and his Wife, simply want to spend Halloween the way they want, as first time parents... and have their own tradition about it and take their son out... themselves. ? Nothing is wrong with that. At all.
Or Maybe, your SIL's parents want to see him. THAT is also fine. It is their call. They do see you a lot, for every Holiday it seems... so if maybe her parents want to see their Grandson for an event or holiday... that is their right. She has obligations/familial ties with her own family too. AND your Brother, as their son-in-law... has to respect them too.

And... this is their first child.... and they WILL have their own ideas about how to spend, each and every Holiday or special event. Its okay. Let them... they have their own lives too... and your SIL's family to have obligations with too. Every new parent.. has a right... to find their own way... and to 'chose'... how or what 'traditions' they do with their baby... either alone with him, or with others.

You do not have to cancel your plans.

all the best,
Susan

6 moms found this helpful

Before I got to the main part of your story, I suddenly thought "uh-oh" when I saw the part about your girls taking the baby out in the stroller for trick or treating. Then when I read that the dad called and said they weren't bringing the baby over because of not feeling comfortable with him in the neighborhood, I understood why. That's the reason, Mom2. He's probably remembering some Halloweens he has participated in, and not feeling so happy with the thought of his baby out there. If would have been nice if he had just come out and said it, but he threw the baby out with the bathwater, no pun intended.

Please don't take this so personally. He could have handled it better, but I don't actually think it's crazy that he isn't comfortable with it, regardless of how nice your neighborhood is.

Hope your kids have a great time tomorrow evening.
D.

6 moms found this helpful

Well I think that it's a different situation taking his son out and about on Halloween than keeping him at your house while watching him. Sorry but I think they simply felt uncomfortable with it and didn't know how to handle it and baled at the last minute. I think that your feelings are just hurt because you feel like he insulted your home/neighborhood. I think it's just not his neighborhood and he's not comfortable with his baby out and about in it.
C.

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Well, I did not want to share my son's first halloween. Maybe he did not either.

5 moms found this helpful

There are a lot of things that it could be. What if he knows his neighbors and would like to show off his baby to them? What if he would feel obligated to let your girls take the baby trick or treating (they might wnat that special moment for themselves)? What if they don't know how exhausted the baby will be so they want to stay close to home?
I mean yeah, it was a little rude to cancel so close to the day, but maybe they just got to thinking and decided they wanted to stay in their neighborhood. Maybe it has nothing to do with who's neighborhood is nicer, maybe it's just which neighborhood he's comfortable in and knows the people?
I would just have a talk with him, find out more about his feelings. If everyone can get together at your house, there's no reason why they can't go to his, right?

5 moms found this helpful

I can see where you are coming from, it seems a little strange, but then again, can you ask him (in a non-confrontational way) more about why he has an issue? If he would rather have it at his house, maybe it's just because everyone has always gone to your house and he wants something at his house for a change. Maybe they would rather just go around their own neighborhood where their son maybe end up growing up and go trick-or-treating for the rest of his childhood. It's his son first Halloween and maybe they don't want to share it with everyone. I know he is just a baby and really has no idea what's going on and so it doesn't matter where he is, but maybe just for the sake of keeping the peace, I would just go along with it.

4 moms found this helpful

I agree with the idea that this is HIS son's first Halloween and maybe they didn't want to spend it at someone else's home with other people taking him out and around trick or treating for the first time.
Are there strained feelings between your Mom and him or his wife? I really feel like you aren't getting the REAL reason that they cancelled out on you...I think it was something else and that for some reason they chose to tell you the story they did.
I say forget it...he is too young to understand about Halloween anyway..if you want to ....go Trick or Treat at his house and see his costume that way...or ask them to take pictures of him for you. Don't make a big deal out of it...pick your battles...this one isn't worth fighting.

4 moms found this helpful

Maybe he didn't want to offend your daughters by saying he was uncomfortable with them taking a 10 month old baby out in the dark with no parental supervision. He could go with them, of course, but maybe he figures they wouldn't want uncle xyz tagging along.

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I wouldn't ask the real reason, and yes, this is about being their first Halloween with baby.

Probably after the fact, they felt like they had no say in the planning, and you'll never know if SIL's mom got upset when she heard your mom was making a special trip just for the activities, and you and your daughters were all going to get to spend Halloween night taking your nephew around.
I say put yourself in their shoes and give them some slack. I know my mom would have threw a hissy fit if my mil got to spend a first holiday with the baby, but she wasn't invited along too.

I say be ready for this to not end here. They're probably going to be like this about Christmas, Thanksgiving, and any/or any other holiday that is significant as this is their first year and sounds like their first child.

If you really want to spend the holiday with them, perhaps suggest coming to their house and on their terms. Mom (and dad) probably want to plan the activities and take a ton of photos without having to feel like they're stepping on your toes or have to get an okay from you if they want to do something other than what you had in mind.

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It sounds like code to me for they found something different to do, near their house. Maybe something that better suited a baby???
I would ask him about it, after Halloween (so they dont just come because they have to be) You dont know until you ask.
I do think it is rude, but it is his kid. He is most likely just the messenger too. Maybe they dont want him out in the cold, or to go to bed too late. Who knows.

4 moms found this helpful

I wouldn't want anyone besides my husband and myself taking my 9 month old trick or treating for the first time!! It's just another milestone to us mommies!!! I wouldn't mind sharing the day with family and friends, but with you saying that your girls could take him trick or treating, I'm sure the mom freaked out after the conversation and was worried that she was expected to give her baby over to your girls. Maybe you should call and clarify; that you would ALL walk around the neighborhood together, or maybe you all could go to their home so that you all can get to see your nephew.

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Don't sweat this.
They changed their minds....short notice wasn't nice, but they do have their own neighborhood.
Instead of calling everything off, I would have asked them to come over and "trick-or-treat" you for pictures and things at least.
To me, there is no reason for your mom not to still come and have a family gathering minus the baby if they don't want to bring him. And, if they don't want him out in your neighborhood, they don't have to allow it, but could still visit.
Try not to take it so personally. You know you have nice kids and a nice neighborhood. Things might not work out the way you planned, but it doesn't have to be the end of the world or the start of a family feud.

You can still have a good time!

Best wishes.

3 moms found this helpful

he wasn't right for cancelling 24 hrs prior to the event, and your invitation wasn't appropriate either. this is a 10 month old baby experiencing his first halloween. that is something parents should be there for, not teenage babysitters. so i think the parents just realized how crazy the invite was, and decided to use a lame excuse for not saying no to begin with.
i hope you have a great halloween with your kids.

2 moms found this helpful

Were your kids going to take your nephew buy themselves? I could understand them not being very comfortable with that...just because it's halloween and there are lots of people out and it's dark, etc. But, they could have still come and taken him door-to-door. Or, hung out at your house and passed out candy. I am pretty close to my brother, but I know my SIL runs the show, so maybe it was your SIL's choice, but your bro made the call. I wouldn't be offended. Just let it go! And, maybe, your girls won't be so available the next time they need a sitter:)

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There's probably a different reason he's not bringing his son over. He's using the 'don't know your kids' friends, don't know your neighborhood' as a lame excuse. Who knows what the real reason is. He is being pretty rude and weird. But at the same time, it IS their child and Halloween can be scary and they want to protect him and be with him too. Maybe they saw a news show on sexual predators and now they don't want to do your neighborhood. Maybe they did a search and there are sex offenders in your neighborhood. Who knows?

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I guess I'm in the minority here, but I have to agree that I wouldn't be comfortable having a few teenage girls take my kids out at night to go trick or treating. Sorry. I have an 18 yo neice and a 17 yo neighbor who babysit but they aren't parents themselves and don't have the maternal instinct that I have. Therefore, I don't want them taking my 5, 4 and 3 yo children out trick or treating in the dark. I wouldn't let them take my kids for a walk in the evening, or out to meet up with friends in the evening so I kinda view it as the same type of situation.
Now, I'm not justifing the late notice in cancellation. I guess they were having some anxiety and therefore decided to cancel. Why don't you call them back and invite them to just hang at your house and give out candy with you. Maybe mom or dad could accompany your daughters in showing off their little cousin.
Just try not to take their response personally. It might have nothing to do with you. Having a baby changes people, some for the better and some for the worse.

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it is rude and weird but your giving it way more importance than you need to. enjoy Halloween with your kids and let your mom come and take photos of your kids. enjoy the day. a

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I'm thinking they have another, older child maybe? And that child wants to trick or treat with his friends in his neighborhood? Maybe they didnt realize this when they planned on coming to your place? If there isnt an older kid involved in this than it is kind of rude and just sounds like they decided they wanted to stay home and not make the trip for some other personal reason.... since they gave kind of a lame excuse. You would probably be more accepting if they would have been more truthful and not had that wishy washy excuse. At least you got 24 hr notice, better than them calling you tomorrow at the very last minute.
Don't let it wreck your Halloween tho ;) I'd say its a forgivable sin.

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you know what , maybe they just want to skip the party thing this year. by brunging him it will only entertain your guys. not him or his parents. i would let it go. tell the kids to go out and have fun, grandma could come over and take pictures of your kids. i am here to tell you from a mom of 7 with the lodest 30 and the youngest 10, the day is just around the corner when they will be grown and gone from home. forget the brother thing and have a blast with your own. hey, you won't have to stop and change any diapers or feed a bottle. you ought to dress up and go with you kids. maybe you could get the other parents to through something together also. have fun , R.

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He may have been anxious about your kids
taking the baby out trick-or-treating.
He may have been afraid that they wouldn't be as safety-conscious
as an adult would be.
The last-minute change was rude.
But his reason may have been anxiety.
His first child, etc.
If there's an opportunity, I wonder if you and he could have a conversation together in which you tell him how you felt and ask him to tell you
just what was going on in his mind when he changed the plans on you.
Also, I'm sorry you told your mom not to come.

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They have their own family now how they spend it is up to them...At least they called to cancel instead of not showing up at all.

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There is no question it was rude of him and I really dislike people that do that to people! Usually I call that person the next day and find out why! But you should def call your mom back and still have her come out for the day and enjoy you family! She should enjoy you kids just as much as enjoying your brothers new baby!!....Happy Halloween and have FUn

Well I'm thinking...take a deep breath. His wife said sure, not him. Since she is the in law and this is their first child, she may have not thought about it and just said yes. Leaving it up to him to say no if they as parents wanted to enjoy that time with their own child. Once in a life time events are very hard to give away. It's like people wanting you at their house for Christmas morning after you have purchased and decorated your home for your childrens surprise and enjoyment to play and open presents in pajamas. She may have a family too who wanted the same thing. It's hard giving away firsts, but as a parent you should be able to empathize and understand even if you don't like it. Let them have their opportunity to enjoy their child. There will be other holidays, prayerfully, because we are not promised tomorrow. Don't make them feel guilty because they want to enjoy their child. It sounds like they may have known you were not going to like their choice or wishes. Remember not to punish a child for adult decisions or choices. Stay true to yourself. If they aren't feeling close to family or enjoy family gatherings, just let them be.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Your brother was totally wrong! Do you think your SIL put him up to it? Hope everything works out and keep us posted.

Yes, I agree it's completely ridiculous. However, I wouldn't cancel the celebration because of it.

Well, it sounds like they could have handled it better, but maybe they felt you were interfering with a 'first' that should have been all theirs. I'd have wanted to take my own child around for his first Halloween. I don't know your SIL's/Bro's personalities, but new babies bring out the crazies in us - maybe they were irrationally worried about germs or razorblade apples!!

For the sake of your family, I'd let it go. Good luck!

Yeah, it was rude. His excuse was flimsy.

Yes, I think it's ridiculous! WTH? I would feel just like you do. I think they're being very weird! What a shame.

Sounds like their wimpy. Sorry that they spoiled the fun. Go out with your kids and have fun anyway-- have your mom come too. You can still have that family gathering-- they will be the ones missing out- some people are just weird about stuff like that- sounds like they don't mesh well with others. Good luck and don't worry-- you did NOTHING wrong. Its THEM. NOT YOU.

M

Yes that sounds rediculous and I would be offended. I'm sorry but there are others ways to express it if they don't want to 'share' their son's first Halloween with anyone, as others have suggested, which again IMO sounds kinda silly as if it's some private moment that family should not be sharing together. I took my daughter trick or treating in her stroller last year at 10 months all bundled up and she was fine, so I would doubt it's about taking the baby out in the 'cold'. I don't think I would have let her go alone with 2 teenage nieces but I would have gladly walked behind them just to supervise in case they needed help. I think I would ask him what the real reason is (and there has to be one) as to why they suddenly changed their minds. But yeah he is out of line coming off like that. He should have been more tactful or just man up and tell you the honest reason.