My Seven Yr. Old Talking Back

Hi

You may enjoy and get great benefit from the book "Boundaries with Kids" by Dr. Townsend and Dr. Cloud. At amazon.com there are real people reviews of the book and with 41 people weighing in online it gets 5 stars. If you want to read the reviews you can go to: http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Kids-Henry-Cloud/product...

My daughter is the same age. (well she will be turning 7 soon).

BUt, prior, I researched 7 year old development. Here are some links:
http://www.greatschools.net/parenting/social-skills/devel...
http://childparenting.about.com/od/childdevelopment/a/sev...
http://www.allthedaze.com/7.html
http://www.nncc.org/Child.Dev/mid.dev.html
http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/development/piaget.shtml

Also try A discipline strategy that works well in the early primary years of 7 years old is the "re-do."
Have you ever wished you could take back something you just said or did? That's the principle of a re-do.

Use it when your child slips up and says or does something disrespectful or goes against house rules. For example, if he/she tosses a wet towel on the floor right in front of you, instead of nagging him to pick it up, simply say, "Re-do." (Explain this concept before you use it the first time.) Your child sticks out his tongue at you? Say "Re-do" and he may go for a hug instead.
Seven-year-olds are still highly impulsive. The re-do gives them a chance to redirect their behavior and ups the odds that they'll do it right the next time, without nagging or prompting.

At this age, huge emotional/intellectual changes occur, and hormones. My girl is going through the same thing. It is growing pains... and is not easy for them, but also us. :)
One thing is, if it is a regular "DEVELOPMENTAL" BASED "change" in a child... its not like you can just omit it from their development... but it will be trickier to handle. It is not just them... but "us" who have to learn new ways to communicate an∂ navigate them.

The thing is, each "age" brings with it certain developmental/emotional/intellectual changes in a child. So, whenever my daughter or son seems to "change" I research their age development... and then IN LIGHT OF THAT, its just my way of understanding the child. Sure, I have over-all rules/discipline for my kids. BUT, I appeal to them in light OF their age/growing pains that may be occurring. I know that prior to a new age change, MANY kids go through personality/mood/emotional changes or difficulties. Because they are in great flux and they are on the cusp of a new age bracket.

Another great book is: "Your 7 Year Old" which you can get from www.amazon.com

All the best,
Susan

Hi Mary Beth,

First, I would suggest picking up a copy of "Parenting with Love and Logic." This is a great book that will give you some really great ideas on how to handle this sort of thing and give you your sanity back. I use "Teaching with Love and Logic" in my high school classroom and it works great!

Here's how I've handled this. First, I begin with the assumption that my children need to do what I say, period. Explanations are a bonus, not required. (I do give them whenever possible, but I don't waste tons of time on them.) The only correct answer is "Yes, mom." Unless it's a question on how to do the assigned task, there's no discussion until it's done ("So, mom, one more time, how do I brush my teeth?"). If there is any backtalk, I toss out a pithy statement such as "I'm sorry. The complaint department opens at 3pm today. Feel free to gripe then, otherwise, do your task." Most of the time, my kid moves on to the task because he knows I'm a rock on this point (your daughter will need to learn this). The second (maybe the third, if I'm having a slow day), backtalk is met with wa warning of a loss of privelege ("Hmmmm...I can see you're not listening well. Very good. Let's free up your schedule by taking away [fill in the blank]."). The third time, privelege is gone.

BTW, three times is really a lot, but a good place to start out. At this point, my sons know they get one request and then we move on to consequences. For example, when my oldest was in jr. high, he "didn't feel like" doing his chores. Consequently, I "didn't feel like" driving him to the school dance (this followed a week of not feeling like chores).

The key to all this is staying upbeat, cheerful and firm. Say it with a smile! And don't engage in the discussion. When in doubt, repeat the task and the consequence. It can be anything, not necessarily a loss of privelege. I've been known to dish out additional chores, like weeding, cleaning closets or scrubbing tile grout if they get really awful. (I call this character retraining through chores.)

The idea is that your child will learn consequences to actions in a very immediate way. The worst it ever got in my house was my youngest son losing all priveleges, up to and including attending a birthday party, for a week because he chose not to clean his room when asked. I was sad for him, but he learned a very valuable lesson. Plus, it helped me cut down on the "I'm going crazy" feeling...my fuse got lengthened, if you know what I mean.

It's tough teaching this to kids (I do it every August and every January with my students), but once they learn they can't wear you down and that it's impossible to argue with your smiling refusals, they fall into line.

So, good luck, Mary Beth. I hope this helps.

Mary Beth, I have years of experience as a family wellness coach and, well, I will tell you what I know.

Children learn what they live. Talking back is NOT normal. Talking back is NOT something all children do. Talking back is NOT a phase. Talking back may be a sign of frustration or a way of getting attention. Talking back is UNACCEPTABLE.

So what do you do?

1. Each time she talks back, you stop whatever it is that you are doing and you get her attention. Get down to her level and say, "we do not talk back in this family. Are you part of this family?" (wait for an answer) then say "good, remember we don't talk back in this family". DO THIS EVERY TIME. Acknowledging the bad behavior may just be what she wants. Catch her being good. You will have to repeat this over and over again, but it will stick.

2. Be consistent. If you "let it go" once, she will be affirmed that she can "get away with it" again. The more consistent you are the sooner it will stick.

3. Get your family on board.

Mary Beth, this consistency works for all challenges. When we tell our children what we want...
stay close to mom when crossing the street
hold my hand in the parking lot
eat your veggies
play nice with your sister/friend
sleep well
make good choices
respect your toys, etc…

IT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE GET!

Try this little experiment with your kids (and on your self).

Say to them
DON'T THINK OF A PINK ELEPHANT. Now ask, what did they just do? Right they thought of a pink elephant.

Now try this: THINK OF A BLUE DOG. What did they do? Right. They did exactly what you said… BOTH TIMES.

Focus on what you want and you will get it.

B.
Family Wellness Coach

PS: if you want to learn about how my husband and I both have the blessing of working from home to be with our kids, just ask...we work smarter not harder.

Hey Mary Beth,
There is a book called "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids" by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. It gives some great insight on what you as a parent can do to help your child overcome these hurdles. It can be purchased on Amazon.

Hi,
I'm a single mom with a 4 yr. old son. I have learned that little boys love to challenge their moms(verbally). So, at the advice of his godmother, I have learned to speak calmly and firmly about what I need him to do and "turn and walk away". When we raise our voices at them they have a tendency to think we're on their level and not sincere. Practice being not so 'verbose' with her. When you're calm, say to her
"_______, we need to talk." Tell her what is not acceptable, what you expect of her, and finally, 'mommie loves you'. Also, pick uo a copy of " Don't feed the dragon"...it has good tips on this subject. Blessings...!

I have been in the same boat with my almost 9 yr old stepdaughter. What I have a hard time with is always feeling like the nag or always her being in trouble. The deal is consistancy. They will attempt the samething over & over to test if you will act the same. dont change you, if its wrong its wrong. I have finally learned that these are her choices to behave this way and I have reversed the power to me, that I cant change her choice, only say to her that she is making the wrong choice and with that choice comes the consequence. but with good behavior comes rewards. our rewards & consequences are clearly written down and on her door as a "goal chart". its simple from daily tasks to the most seen bad behavior. always the same but will change as her behavior changes in the future. the thing i have seen is this age they are feeling their way, wanting to find their place in the family. (i have a 3yr old too)the who am i, where do i belong thing. she has her "job" and some chores she can earn allowance with, and its her choice to do it and get rewards. we do have things she has to do, dont get me wrong. but there are things she can choose to do. I have found that choices work in our house, when you can give them. that lets them feel they have the power. "you can choose to clean your room or you can choose to loose tv tonight, the choice is yours to make" good luck.

Hello, Almost all children will try this. However, it is your job to stop it in it's tracks. Don't get into an argument with her. Explain that you are the grown-up and that you make the rules. There will be times when negotiation will be okay, but, as a general rule, she needs to follow your direction. As soon as she starts to argue, send her to a time-out area. When it is time to get up, try again. Continue this until she gets it. I used to work at an elementary school. Whenever I would be explaining something to a student and they would interrupt me, I would start again from the beginning. Sometimes I had to start over several times. They got it.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

I love the previous response!!!! the re-do is a great idea i am defiantly going to use with my children.
the other thing i think is effective as well is a rewards system whether it is stickers or coins something that helps measure when they are doing things well or only being asked once. you can have a list of ideas you do to get the reward then a redemption chart. this can become more sophisticated as the child becomes older so they can "save" for special items.
the way we are using this right now is to get my 6 yr old to read. when he reads 10 books a day he gets a sticker. for each sticker i read him a chapter from whatever book he chooses. for a full week of stickers we get to eat ice cream, go to out or buy our own.
perhaps you can give rewards for -doing things the first time you are asked or -doing chores without being prompted -behaving kindly at a play date -being extra kind to a sibling
i love rewards and have found as a parent it is much more peaceful in my home without the argument but still maintaining my standards and my childrens choices.
good luck and I'm looking forward to reading more great ideas from those answering this question.

Mary Beth C

Your daughter sounds like a fighter, however, back-talking should never be allowed for any reason. When my children, now grown adults, were little I gave them the choice to make the bed, or stay in their room until it was made or cleaned up. It is much like grounding them. You need to stand your ground. Don't say anymore than clean your room and give her time to do this, if she is arguing with you, then set the ultimatum "clean your room, make your bed or you will be there until it is done." This should curb any further arguments. Many times I did give them choices, such as when bad behavior was involved they were asked which punishment they wanted "spanking or being grounded in their room," nine times out of ten they chose their room for a couple of hours. This was my way of teaching them to make responsible choices. This worked for me, I began this well before they were 7 yrs old. I began this when they were old enough to pitch a fit, throw toys, or argue with me or each other. It truly works, and helps children to learn how to make responsible decisions as they get older. Setting boundaries is your job and this will help your daughter to see you as her mother and later on modify this to include her friend as she reaches her teens.

If she finds she can have no friends over, or go anywhere until her chores are done she will learn that there is no arguing allowed when the chore needs to be done. When it is finally done (which at first will take a while) then allow her a reward such as her friend coming over, or going to a friends house.

I can assure you she will learn this is her responsibility, and no one else's. When I first did this my youngest boy was in his room for a full day, sometimes two. I would check on his progress after an hour or two and if it was not done properly I would walk out and leave him to cleaning his room. I would also move the bed, the dresser and other furniture in his room to be sure he didn't put it under or behind anything, that included the closet.

He did eventually learn, but it was not pleasant for either of us. He even told me "you don't love me anymore" I explained to him that I love him dearly, I didn't like his behavior. I hope this approach helps, you have already taken the first step of acknowledging that you have been arguing with her, now get to the second step, put your foot down until she has completed the task you have given her. Good Luck.

bring up the subject of 'back talk' a lot until she gets a good understanding of exactly what you mean when you use the term. Then start giving marks against this on a chart, may include some positive reinforcement also on this chart, happy stickers for accomplishments

My son and I have similar struggles mostly because he knows that other people who watch him (my mom and aunt) allow it. I however have learned better. We have a chore chart and he knows that his allowance for the week is directly tied to those chores, as are playdates. If the work is not done, there is no reward.

As for the asking why, put it back on her. That's what worked for me and stopped the power struggles. I usually just say one of two things "I have answered that before and you know it's a rule in this house." or "Why do you think?" The second one works better because it opens up a dialog between you two. The first works when you just need to shut the conversation down. Also remember to take a deep breath and count to ten before responding to her back talk. That will help you stay calm and not get into the power struggle in the first place.

Hi Mary Beth,
You have some great advice, positive discipline definitely works. Another strategy can be returning the why question with your own why question, like, "why do you think you have to brush your teeth, you're a smart girl, I'm sure you can answer that question on your own." She is attempting to engage you in a power struggle and it works. Behavior that shows up is reinforced, as you know, you've been doing this for years, only you can shift and so will your daughter.
Good luck,
Wendy

Try this: Make up a name of a club that sounds cool and the way she earns her membership in the club is by doing things the FIRST TIME you ask (30 times). Make a chart w/ 30 spaces. Put a sticker or stamp each time she does what she is told w/o back talk or reminders. When she gets all 30 she is a member of the club and gets a reward. There after use praise when she does what you tell her, but not all the time -- this creates a habit, while not "bribing" her forever. For my 7yr old the reward will be Build-a-Bear ($30). She still needs to do what she is told, even if she doesn't earn a stamp for doing it the first time. Don't react to all the times she does back talk, but play up when she does what you want the first time.