My Marriage Is in Trouble

With situations like this I always like to ask my husband to get a guy's perspective. So here's what he said. 1st, he shouldn't have his own computer to use while you are working, and he should be going to bed with you. But he said you need to approach him on the topic in a good moment when you both are feeling good, maybe after you've read the scriptures if you are religious, which you mentioned prayers so I think you are, or after you have prayed. Then just make sure you are both on the same page. Tell him how you see it, and then ask him for his opinion. Make him feel involved in it. Say something like, My goal is to have a strong, successful marriage and relationship. How can we work to make this happen, what can we do? The fact that you knew about the problem before hand which probably means he told you, is a very good sign that he wants that with you. The unfortunate thing, is just like with any sin, they are hard to give up. Think of something that you do that you wish you could change. How hard has that been for you. It is the same for him, unfortunately with pornography. It isn't that he isn't willing, it is simply that it is very hard to give up. Work together and it can be overcome. Hope this helps.

H. and Heidi already said what I was going to. If your husband is actually willing to try to get better, then you're still in a good place. The addiction has nothing to do with you. And you are most definitely not alone.

Tell your husband that you don't feel comfortable having the computer in the back room. Not in a confrontational way, of course. If needed, tell him that being in the same room as him is comforting and you'd prefer to see him more rather than less. Plus, it will ease the transition to you being at home.

Consider mine another shoulder to cry on if needed. It really is helpful to know that other people are going through the same and what seems to work and help.

Addictions need to be dealt with through therapy. Find a good therapist with experience in sexual addictions and go! He needs help. Maybe you both should go, he could go, but if he won't, then you need to go just to figure out what to do.

I don't have any advice, but I do know you are not alone! I have friends and neighbors and family who all are going through issues. Trust is a hard thing to build-up, and once you have children you are always linked. However, you must do whatever you need to do for yourself and for your children to create the kind of future you want. If you want to stay together as a family, then you'll probably need more counseling. In my experience, someone from the outside needs to mediate issues like these---where someone feels very betrayed. You may need to fork out the money for counseling again. If you don't, and choose separation or divorce, that's going to cost money, too, so neither is cheap and every way is personally hard. I find it degrading, too, asking for help and having others know my problems.

Best of luck!

Warning- this is not graphic but frank

Oh Katrina, this has been my life for 7 years now... I have been in your shoes, continue to be there and please know whatever you are fearing is happening- it is. You have been given lets say a 6th sense and if you are seeing the signs then it is absolutly happening.
Here is my advise from someone who knows what you are going through, and you may take it or leave it.

1. Get that computer out of the spare room, if you have to have two computers on one desk and share then do it. His addiction thrives in secret and that is too much temptation for anyone. (Imagine if you were addicted to chocolate and someone left you at See's Candy overnight with no way of checking on what you ate or not)

2. This addiction gets worse, what he is playing with and doing now will happen later... its not a "what if" its a "when" I know it is hard to imagine, I am married to a wonderful, loving, sweet guy... but all those things that he said he would never do... yeah never was just a matter of years.

3. None of this has anything to do with sex. That is hard to believe but an addiction to sex and pornography is not about the sex- its about escape and coping... this is his coping method and its unhealthy and he needs real help to find better ways to cope. So it doesn't matter if you are Pamala Anderson, it doesn't matter if you have sex 3x a day. He would still seek out this way of dealing with things until he has found a way to break the addiction and move onto real recovery. That takes help there are a lot of online things available, one of the best for you and him is http://www.recoverynation.com/

4. We have been in and out of counseling for 5 years now, we are finally seeing results with someone at LDS family services and our ward is helping to cover a lot of the cost. If you are not LDS but have a pastor or religious leader that you could talk to it helps to have them on board and many times there are funds available to help a troubled marriage. Talk to them about it. Also find a 12 step group- there are LDS ones but any of them are fanstastic and specific to his addiction they even have family support ones just for you. Becasue you are harmed just as much if not more from all of this.

5. I am the queen of non-confrontational conversations, I would rather swallow nails than confront what I think is a slip or a relapse, but if you guys are going to be ok- you have to learn to really really really talk to each other and that means even about the stuff you are scared of. If I knew the journey was going to be this bad I might of left when we were childless or even just had one. But I have chosen to stay so far and its not about the kids. Whether you stay or leave please don't do it for the kids, this has to be about you... are you happy? Can you handle what it is going to take to get your relationship to a healthy place? Do you want to be married to this man? The kids are going to suffer more if you stay and hate each other than if you seperate and are happy and healthy. You are teaching your son how to treat women, how to have a family, how to love someone, but we teach them our disfuction too. Do not stay for your son's sake, stay for yours or leave for yours...

6. this addiction is one of the hardest to overcome because the substance is in their heads, its accessable 24/7 and secret and has no outward sign of use. Your husbands recovery is his own, you need to have a recovery of your own, a set of boundaries that protect you- I am really not good at this... but they are a safty net around you so that you can stay with an addict but not get caught up in his junk. If you do not have any, I would start there if you decide to stay. Things like requiring him to be open and honest about slip ups and relapses so that you can "trust" him and not have to play detective.

This is such a hard challenge I am so so so sorry you have to go through this. Please email me if you have any questions, need a shoulder to cry on, or just want to vent. I am in UT, not sure where you are but there are some great resources available to you and I would be happy to give you more information on that.

Again I am so sorry. Good luck, please know his addiction has nothing to do with you.
Warmest wishes and a big hug!
H.

Wow Heather gave GREAT advice and I agree with her whole heartadly. I guess I want you to know that you are not alone. I too dealt with these problems in our marraige. I had no idea of them when we first got married and when I found out had no idea of how bad things really were. We struggled on and off for there were times I knew about and times I thought he wasn't struggling, later I found out he just got better at hiding it. To say the least it ended up with a coworker and ruined everything. We are still together and it has been 5 years of hard work and it is still painful everyday. The longer you let this go on the more you will hurt in the end. It took probably 3 years of hard work, counseling, and and truely understanding his addtiction to control it. I wish you all the best. PLease know you are not alone. H.