21 answers

Is Pornography Considered Cheating?

I found out my husband has a problem with pornography...how many of you feel its a form of cheating...im am devastated

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

thank you all for your responses and thank you to those of you whom sent me messages as well.

What totally blows me away is how many of you believe that porn is okay....what is the top of our society having a problem with?...I feel porn is NOT okay for any reason....and anyone i believe that watches it is only bringing themselves down even worse. I dont want to be in that category nor do i want my husband to either.

My husband is denying it....like he did the last time....no shocker but still hurts very badly.

The excuse that its okay because men are visual is just and excuse and thats all...we are letting them excuse this behavior which to me i feel is wrong.

Thank you to those whom understand how i feel and agree...i dont feel like i did anything wrong anymore....it is an addition and a hard one at that to fix...(ive done some research since posting my original post)

I would like to add...that i did not ask if porn was wrong...i asked if you all out there think it is cheating or not...so the PERSON who just tore me up saying i sabotoged them is way off base on what i asked.

I dont need to ask if porn is wrong ...because i KNOW IT IS WRONG....there is no way around that one..I just felt i needed to clarify this...I was asking if you all think its a form of cheating...thank you to those who understood what i was asking.

I still feel devistated and hurt and angered....sometimes I blame our society somewhat because our society has let to many things slip by making them look like there is nothing wrong with it.

I still havent decided how to handle this...partly because he is still in denial...so im not sure what i will end up doing...thank you again for your responses...its helped knowing that there or those of you that have been in my shoes...thank you for your support as well.

Featured Answers

Matthew 5:28 "I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a women to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

Pornography is WRONG. I just don't know what else to say about it. :(

1 mom found this helpful

This is my friend's website. You may feel a little validated from it. noporn4kaye.blogspot.com

good luck!

More Answers

i think it's cheating. he's looking at other women's bodies. and the whole point of pornography is to get aroused. he's getting aroused by other women's bodies. it's like he's inviting those women into your home, your marriage, your bed. i get sad when people don't think it's a big deal.

1 mom found this helpful

OH A.
I am so sorry about your situation. I can't imagine your heart ache. I do feel like pornography is Cheating! Anything that takes away from the Honor and respect of a marriage, is cheating. Hopefully you two can move forward, get into counseling for his addiction and be there for your precious child. My prayers go out to you and your husband. God Bless!

1 mom found this helpful

Matthew 5:28 "I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a women to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

Pornography is WRONG. I just don't know what else to say about it. :(

1 mom found this helpful

Anything that distracts from the relationship in such an intimate manner can be considered cheating.

Emotional affairs, physical affairs, fantasy affairs: pornography...all distract from the intimacy of a marital relationship.

Before, I might have said that it's all right so long as my husband is still giving me what I consider the appropriate level of intimate attention. BUT having had an emotional affair out side of my first (short) marriage understanding how damaging it was to the relationship. And discovering pornographic movies on the current cable bill now and then in current marriage (6+yrs), I developed a different opinion.

If it takes attention from ME as the wife and chief sharer of intimacy, I am hurt. The same is true on my side of things, i.e. not even "harmless" flirting is okay, hurting my husband.
As I stated above, anything that feels like it encroaches
on that intimate relationship between husband & wife, I think is unhealthy for the relationship. What that relationship is, has to be defined by individuals according to their needs in a relationship.

Solution? I can only offer; Your reaction of 'devastation' is reasonable. Try to form a response before discussing it with your husband. Attacking him is not productive. Stick to: "I feel...", "I think the problem is...", "I think the solution is...."
Keep it simple, let go of results and allow him a complete response as well.

You are not alone, A.! Keep up the great work mommin'!

I think it depends on the person and if how they see it religiously and also how secure they are as a person. I do not consider it cheating, though if he was looking at the really nasty stuff I may have issues for a whole different reason, but I dont feel like he would be cheating on me. I am a big fan of the saying you can look, but dont touch. If however it is cause any intimate issues between you and your husband it is a problem. Your husband should honor your worries, but you should also know that he can still love you very much and still look at others. Also are you giving him the attention he needs. I know being a mom we sometimes forget to be a wife too. Not that I am saying this is anyones fault, but we all are human. Talk to him about your worries, but don't accuse him of anything. Be honest about your feelings, but validate what he is feeling too. Good luck.

Yes, I believe there are different forms of cheating. That is one of them. You are the only woman he should be looking at in a sexual way!!!!!!!!!!! I'll be praying for you!

I don't know if I would consider it cheating but it is very wrong. And if he does have a problem with it then it will only get worse with time. He needs to get help so you guys can have a healthy relationship again. I'm so sorry and good luck.

This is my friend's website. You may feel a little validated from it. noporn4kaye.blogspot.com

good luck!

We had a huge thing at church about how bad pornography is. It is a terrible thing, because it does lead to other things.

I have a friends who have a friend-that is how he started out. Then it led to talking to under age girls in chat rooms. Then led to an arrest when he showed up at a house where there were actually police there. His wife moved out, because one-he couldn't even be around his kids-court order. He cannot even be around any other kids and is constantly checked up on to make sure he is following the rules. He of course feels HORRIBLE and would take it all back if he could. He also never actually did anything, but the results are devastating. So I would get it to stop if I could!!

I know a lot of people consider it cheating, esp those who are religious. I have a strong faith as well, however I do not consider porography cheating. I think it is very natural for men to look at pornography. They are very visual beings!!I would just talk to him about it. Ask him why is is looking at it. Is it becuase he feels that something is missing for him, or does he just enjoy it on occasion? Hope that helps!

I am so sorry. That is very devastating. If he is the man of your dreams and you truly love him, help him through it. It is possible. I don't know if it is cheating. To me it is totally degrading and disrespectful, but I don't think it is cheating? Is he appologetic? Or does he rationalize the behavior? What ever you do, DON'T make it about you. It is not your fault that he is choosing that path.

Yes, it's definitely cheating. Do you think your husband would like it if he thought you were imagining having sex with another man... or pretending HE was another man? Actually, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Please look for good counseling to learn how to deal with this. If you go to church, start there (nobody will be shocked at what you say). If your husband will not consider counseling, go yourself. This sort of thing affects marriage and family life big time.

Dear A., I have read some postings on here that have been really down on pornography. I may be really outdated when it comes to this but, I have a question of my own. Is it just pictures of naked women? Is it men and women (women and women)haha (I guess I am not too outadeted) having sex, as on a movie? So, here I go with my opinion. If it is adult with adult and not a little child. I really don't see what the problem is. Yes, he may masterbate to the picture or movie but, it is his body and his home. I guess it is his business. Does he still have a sexual desire for you? I may not have any experience with this but, in my mind I don't think you should be devastated. You have seen a side of your man that shocks you and apparently you were not aware exisited but perhaps you keep your dark side better hidden. I think it is okay, I do not think he is cheating on you. If he is home at night and providing a loving and nuturing life for you and your little girl so what if he looks at people having sex. He might even be a better lover since he is not too prude to take a look. K. K.

I do consider it cheating, because of the teachings in the New Testament.
I would urge your husband to get some professional help with this. It is a chemical addiction, because the chemicals released in the brain are stronger than heroine!
Now I suppose the a big problem you might run into is if HE doesn't think it's wrong. Is he sorry? Does he know it hurts you and your relationship? You may not even know why it hurts you so much. I would also recommend you go to a counselor to help you talk through things, pinpoint your issues, and help you cope.
My SIL and I talked about this once. We both used to think that any form of cheating (including pornography) would immediately mean divorce. But she said that she'd decided that it probably wouldn't, after all. She might leave her husband for a while, but that it wouldn't automatically be over. You may have the same feelings now, too. It's much harder to make such a huge decision when it actually happens. I've been there, I know.
You have every right to feel devastated now. Don't let him tell you that you don't. But don't let it overwhelm you, either. Hang in there, it'll get better!

Does it really matter if it is cheating or not? In the end it is hurting you and effecting your relationship to the one person that you should be able to turn to no matter what. You need to talk to your husband. It needs to be a two way conversation. He should discuss his issues with pornography and you should tell him what you are going through because of it. Then there needs to be some common ground you can both come to. Whether it is going to counseling or something else.

The issue of whether it is cheating or not depends on your point of view and how you were raised. There will be people on both points of view. The bigger issue is talking about what is going on, hopefully being able to work it through and to strengthen your relationship.

Personally I do. I also agree that it generally escalates into worse things that will end up with a physical betrayal. I think what hurts the most is the loss of trust, your spouse has hid things and lied to you about something that has a huge emotional impact on all the parties involved.

Hi A.,
Bless you, been there done that!! In my experience and all that I have read and learned I have come to believe that it is a form of adultery (I call it what it is). I too was devastated and had to work through a lot of emotional stuff so I could learn that this was his issue and not go through life thinking this was my fault. Firt off you must realize pornography is a destructive road for any marriage, man or a life in general. Don't let anyone ever tell you it's just a guy thing or a harmless pleasure etc. That's bull! It's a destructive perversion that seeps it's way into a man's heart (not just men either by the way). As a Christian I had to spend a lot of time in prayer seeking the Lord for his strength and praying for my husband to find freedom. God came through for us and he has been set free. But society being the godless place we live in brings temptations everyday, everywhere we go (church included). The problem is called "lust of the flesh". And I'm sure you've noticed all the flesh that's out there for all the men to lust at. Raising a son in today's sex hungry society is no easy task either so brace yourself should that time come. In the meantime, I would suggest you get some good counseling. A church pastor/clergy would be my first choice. Perhaps you have some closeknit friend(s) that you can confide in for help. Organizations such as Focus on the Family are very reliable sources for help with these types of issues. You can find them online or in numerous bookstores. My prayers go out to both of you. L.

I side with all those who say IT IS WRONG! Especially in marriage. Your heart and mind are somewhere else, so in that sense I would consider it cheating. It is a very very hard thing to overcome, especially if they are not willing to admit its a problem. I have had a few guy friends come to me saying they want to be free of it, and are trying so hard, been to couceling, etc. but it is still an everyday struggle. But it can be overcome with A LOT of effort. I don't blame you feeling the way you do. I would feel the same way. I don't know what to tell you. I hope whatever needs to works out for your situation.

Hi A.--
Issues with pornography have a huge range of implications. It can be as simple as an innocent way to masturbate to being an addiction that interferes with everyday life. You say it is a problem, which I take to mean it is in some way interfering with either his life or your life together. If it bothers you then it is an issue that needs to be dealt with. Is it cheating? Depends on how you feel. If you are feeling betrayed then you need to examine why and discuss it with him. If he is unwilling to discuss it then it is a problem because he is not willing to address your needs. (My degree is in psychology--can you tell?)
I have dealt with someone who had sexual addiction around pornography, sexual phone lines, prostitutes, etc. It is a very difficult addiction to address---just like any other addict they will lie and hide their behavior. I broke up with him and 4 years later after he supposedly got treatment his new girlfriend called me to quiz me about his behavior--he hadn't changed at all. HOWEVER, using pornography once in a while as a form of sexual release is a very different animal and can actually be used by couples to enhance their sex life. For your sake I hope it is the latter. Either way you need to discuss this with him so that you both are on the same page in your relationship, and you may seek out the help of a counselor so you can discuss it openly and find a solution.
Good luck!
If you need more support I'm happy to speak to you further about the warning signs of addiction.
J.

A.,

I honestly feel that it depends on your values, views, and opinions. Everyone feels differently on matters like this. You can compare it to religion. Everyone has different views on religion and finds what works for them & their lifestyle. You and your husband most likely need to sit down and try to discuss this topic openly if possible. You want to try to both convey & LISTEN to each others thoughts on the topic. Try to make a compromise on what will work out best for you both. It's basically like too people that meet that are two different religions or cultures. They have to both be true to themselves & figure out what to comprise on. I hope this advice helps.

Happy New Year - C.

My daughter and I were discussing a topic of this sort this weekend. I want to tell you that my first husband cheated on me and so my opinion is harsh. Her are some of my thoughts but you have the final decision. My x husband started looking at pornography when he was about 12 years old. It was all over his home. After we got married, his father would buy him subscriptions to all kinds of smut. I did not like this but he still looked and hid it from me. After we had been married for 13 years I found out that he was cheating on me. I was devastated and I feel that the pornography led to his downfall. After he moved out I found a lot of those magazines in vents and other hidden places. They were disgusting and I am sure that he was having sex with those women because they could never disagree or say no. I will never marry a man who will not give total devotion to me. I have had an episode with my son and pornography. I took him to a counselor to see what the fascination was. We got things under control in our house but the counselor told me that when a child looks at pornography at a young age then they can not get it out of their mind. I feel that it is a self esteem issue. I have a very very high sex drive and I never fantasize about other men and I don't want to see another man naked. I have liberal views toward a lot of things but this is not one. These are just my ideas and I just mean it to be food for thought for you.

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