Husband Is Not Taking Responsibility for Admitted Sex Addiction

I'm sorry you're going through this. My husband did this too - inappropriate relationships, not sexual but the thrill of the chase. We had several times where I'd say I was done and he'd beg me to stay and things would be fine until I caught him again. It affected my self-esteem that others knew of this, made me feel that there was something wrong with me. Finally, after 19 years of marriage, I was done and we divorced. He was not going to change and hasn't since, but I at least got into a better situation.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but unless he makes the decision, he won't change. And even when at risk of losing everything, some men don't change.

Message me if you want to chat.

This is not on his terms... it is yours.
You approach him and talk about it, when you need to/want to/have to. Not according to him or when it is okay for him.

Do not walk on eggshells in other words... he should be the one that is trying to talk about it... to you. He is the one who committed a felony in the marriage... by that I mean a real big problem.

And, you MUST make sure you go to the Doctor, to make sure you do NOT have any sexually transmitted diseases. And, HE must go to the Doctor too, to get tested. His word, is not good enough. It just doesn't cut it.

YOU set the boundaries... for what is expected... he is a Husband. He is doing something vile and disgusting. YOU set the boundaries. He is trolling for women...... like a predator. YOU set the boundaries. YOU set the boundaries. YOU set the boundaries.
Again, HE IS A PREDATOR... upon women and who knows what else.

As for a future.. well he and you I would think, should attend some kind of Therapy or counseling. Gee, look at Tiger Woods and his wife. Gee... ?

Your Husband, is acting like his "hobby" is a sport.
Meanwhile, he still has his wife.... who has put up with him... besides just giving him SA information. What an easy life for him... he can get horny off of other women.. ..but still come home to his wife and family... and just lead them on until someone ends it, or forces him to.
... Um, you should NOT have to wonder about having trouble being "available to him and for him"... he lost that privilege. He should not expect his wife to please him... when he is out hanging his maleness out there to other women.
And if he still expects you to "please" him... how dare he! I would tell him off if that were my Husband. Literally. Don't be afraid to say what you think.

Next, what the HECK did your friend say to him about his sexual pursuit of her??? did she tell you? Is that how you found out?

Sorry to be so blunt.... but unless you both have an open relationship and can do whatever you want without monogamy or trust... then his "hobby" is totally without merit. And... I really hope you do not let this affect your self-worth.
HE is the one... who should be walking on eggshells... for fear of losing his wife and family.

All the best,
Susan

You are amazing that you are still with him.

If I was in your shoes I would have ended it right away. I would not be able to stand by his side and help him with this because he is a cheater.

He cheated, and he will never tell you how far he has really gone with his cheating.

I am so sorry for the stress that you are going through and I will PRAY for you and your family.

Try this, sign out of mamapedia and then sign back in and go to your post and read it as if you are reading it for the first time and that this is something that another M. is going through and stop for a minute.
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What kind of advice would you give the M. in this situation?
That is what you should do.

If you believe in the Lord then I would tell you to pray to him and to ask him to guide you through this and to help you.

God Bless you all.

Since when did just being a DOG!! become a sex addiction. I am sorry but it drives me crazy when someone screws up and says they have an addiction. Going after a close friend is unforgivable to me, he is selfish, egotistical, and just not worth the trouble. The reason he probably has not gone to a meeting yet is because he knows he just does what he does because he wants to not because he cannot control himself. There are people with true addictions in this world and I do not think you husband sounds like one of them. He is just a plain old cheater and he probably won't stop. Before you get a disease or something kick him to the curb. Why would you want to put yourself through this you deserve better move on and find someone who will be true to you and love you.

I would say that your first step was a good one,but then you didn't finish up. Besides offering him information on sexual addiction you need to sit back and have a real discussion , first with yourself, and then with him. You need to decide "Is this marriage worth saving",because if you are going to have a solid, viable relationship the two of you have a LOT of work ahead of you!! Then you need to have an honest, CALM discussion with your husband. Is he willing to put in the work and have the self discipline that is necessary to save your relationship? Does he understand how his actions are hurting you and endangering your marriage? Does he care that he is threatening to undermine the foundation of your lives together? If both of you decide that you love each other and want to save your lives together then it is time to find a counselor, and I would find a counselor who is trained in dealing with sex addiction issues. It is going to take more than a few sessions and it is going to be difficult and even hurtful at times but this is something that you need to get settled and 'fixed' or it will not only ruin the marriage but will affect the lives of your children! You can't expect him to fix this on his own, he isn't going to do it!!! He can come up with any number of 'excuses' for his behavior in his own mind that 'justify' what he is doing.
I do not have any personal experience with dealing with a sexual addiction but I do believe that it needs to be approached just like any other addiction ( mine is food). You aren't going to make any progress with anger or nagging or any of the other negative reactions that just seem so darn NATURAL in a situation like this. You need to approach this as if you are dealing with a disease ( which in a manner of speaking you are). Would you get angry at your husband if he had diabetes or cancer? No, you would work together to find a solution, you would go to the experts that know what to do in order to make the situation healthier for all of you!!!
Good luck to you my dear...you have a long road ahead of you...

I don't think you husband is a sex addict, he is just like all men, he just acted upon it (not all men do). I also do not think he has just stopped at talking, he more than likely has gone through with the deed. I do not mean to be crass, but you need to deal with reality. It is NOT ok for him to do any of this, it is NOT ok that you were left hanging. He needs to decide if he is committed to you or not. He needs to spend every day making you feel like YOU are the number 1 pursuit in his life, not some online fling! Take charge girl! If you have decided to keep him, then step up and let him know what you expect. If he cannot deliver, then move on.

Good luck!

P.S. Asking him to go to a sex addicts thing is not going to happen. He is very normal in his quest, he just got caught.

"When is it reasonable to approach the issue with him? How do a proceed? What are appropriate boundaries to set for our relationships future? "

From my experience with an addict husband: I only broach a subject when I am to say how I feel, calmly, without accusations, so, that we can have a mature conversation. Sometimes it's hard to wait for those times, but worth it. I stick to three things, "this is what I see the problem is...", "this is how I feel...", and "this is what I think the solution is..."
then
and this is the hard part--> I LET GO of the results. His behavior is his alone, I did not cause it, I can not control it, and I can not cure it.

Boundaries are something I have been able to define over time, with prayer, meditation, and an understanding of what I want for my life and the little lives in our family (children adopt behaviors direct from parents).

I went thru this exact same thing. I finally sat down with my husband and said "how do you think it's going?" after he had said he would stop the chat rooms and texting and I was still checking on him and he wasnt' stopping. He mumbled..."uh, great, don't you" and I said "no, I know you are still doing this and I can't live with someone I can't trust". That night he moved in with his parents and my divorce from him was final 6 months later. I KNEW I could never trust him again. His other issue was he NEVER helped with the kids or house, he was on the playstation or computer contantly and could not/would not give it up. I was 39 at the time and thought, "I am too old for this #$%^!!!" So me and my 2 kids moved on. I am now married to a wonderful man who has no idea how to even get into chat rooms, texting, has never OWNED a game station and has no desire to. He also does housework that I NEVER have to ask him to do and is a wonderful father to our kids. Life is too short, do not waste your time with this loser and don't believe that its a "guy" thing, there are "real" men out there. Good luck!

I've read through some of your posts & I just want to say a couple of things. I have 2 people in my life that are very close to me who have dealt with these kinds of issues. Don't let anyone tell you that your husband does or does not have an addiction. The truth is that none of us is qualified to tell you that based on one post from you. Also - don't let anyone tell you that he's just being a guy and that this kind of behavior is just to be expected either. Men are just as responsible for their behavior as we are. And finally - don't let him or anyone else tell you that his behavior has anything to do with something you are or are not doing. When men do these things it's because of who they are - not who they are married to. Regardless of whom he married, he would be doing these same things. Usually these behaviors crop up from insecurities and an inability to cope with stress & hard things in life. The pursuit of other women becomes a way for him to feel good about himself momentarily.

Regardless of whether or not this behavior is due to addiction, your marriage is at great risk and your relationship will not improve unless HE seeks some kind of help. That's not to say help for you would not be helpful, but without help for him, you have no chance. I would bring this up with him ASAP. I know it's difficult, but I would bring up your concerns at a time when you can be as rational and nonemotional as possible. If you come out of the shoot accusing and upset, he will become defensive & then there will be no good that can come from the conversation. Just tell him how you feel, what you fear and then ask him how he feels and if he wants the relationship to improve. If he can be open to getting help, you have a chance. Then I would get in touch with a good counselor that is trained SPECIFICALLY in these issues - they are out there. If he is unwilling to face his issues, you will then have to decide if you can live your life with him AS HE IS - or if you will need to end the marriage. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. You are definitely not alone. If you need any help or have questions, please message me. I've seen enough of this to understand what does & doesn't work.

I agree with most all of the other comments - and want to add that -

Your husband will not respect you if you put up with his behavior. If he thinks that you are going to let it go, then he is going to keep doing it, plus he will respect you even less than when he was already doing it before.

It doesn't matter if he has actually cheated physically before now because if he hasn't he will.

I am sorry for you and I hope you kick him out and don't take him back unless he begins acting completely different and moves mountains to stay with you.

There are some great answers here particularly from the women who have dealt with addiction in their marriage so I will just reinforce some of their advice and let you know what has worked for me. (I especially like the one from Tiffany S).

My soon-to-be-ex-husband is an alcoholic. He has struggled with it for several years but in many ways he is still in denial. I have learned through active participation in Al-anon (based on the same principles as AA, NA, OA, etc. but for friends and family of addicts) that the only thing I can control is my own behavior. Among other things (including re-connecting to my spiritual life, meditation and prayer, service, and taking care of myself), al-anon has brought peace, serenity, calm and love back into my life and has opened my eyes to see how many people in this society are living with addiction and have similar problems as I do. When I first went to al-anon it was just a relief to be able to talk about my situation with people who deeply understood what I was going through. Now I go to learn tools, find solutions, and support my growth and healing.

Here is the address for the Colorado alanon web page: http://www.al-anon-co.org/. You can attend al-anon if you are the family or friend of anyone with addiction of any kind.

One of the great benefits of learning about the family disease of addiction is beginning to understand my own personal history and how that has affected my relationships, in particular my relationship with my husband. My parents were co-dependent and emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up and I developed low self-esteem. When my husband would blame me for his addiction, I often believed him, and I realized that the tape playing in my head that I picked up from my childhood was that "I'm not good enough. I'm a bad person." As soon as I realized how harmful this message was, I began replacing it with the mantra "I am a good person." I don't know whether this message will resonate with you, but I am sure that you too are a good person, and know that you are not to blame for your husband's behavior. Please ignore any advice or posts that make you feel that you are the problem or that you are turning this into a bigger deal than it is. If your husband has admitted to being an addict, and if you feel the truth of this in your heart (sounds like you do if you are laying up at night with your stomach in knots) then trust your intuition and your insight. If he is an addict, you did not cause it.

I hope you are able to find strength, peace, and love through your challenges and wish you all the best.

I don't know that he is an addict. I also don't think you can just drop the # for SA and say go get help and everything will be fine. Sounds like he has insecurity issues, not addiction issues. I have to say you are pretty patient - you found out 5 months ago??? This is not going to go away by itself. I suggest that BOTH of you see a marriage counselor. If he won't go, then you have your answer whether your husband truly wants to work on himself and your marriage. Counseling will help you with your boundary questions. If he won't go, I suggest you still go but be prepared to walk away from your husband.

Being a wife of an alcoholic, I found that the best thing that I could do was to get help myself. I am sure that there is some sort of Alanon program for those who are affected by sex addicts. Once you start helping yourself and understanding his disease, he will most likely follow suit and get help. Also, remember that you have choices. You do not have to stay in the relationship. Focus on yourself. He is the only one who can help himself.

Hope this helps and good luck.

I think the big trigger is your question "When" and I think now is the time. You need to talk to him at an appropriate moment in the very soon future. In the meantime have you attended some of those meetings or found out about alanon or other support groups for yourself? They may be able to help you deal with this. Good luck. I know how difficult this must be.

you know, I have to say something..
and I'm probably going to get attacked...
but in my opinion, i believe its human nature.
I'm not sticking up for the 'cheaters' in the world, i'm just suggesting a biological probability.. like other animals, is the human race REALLY made to stick with ONE partner? Just a thought...

Wow he has a lot of gall approaching your friend, that means he has no boundaries or limits. If he's not just a cheater but has a real legit sex problem, you need to supervise your children around him. I have no doubt that he has taken this sex problem a lot further than he is admitting to you. He admits it's about the hunt but I wouldn't doubt if that has turned into conquer. If he won't get help then you need to leave him & make sure he gets supervised visitation with the kids. You should go to counseling for yourself or just tell him that you set up an appt for the both of you & don't give him an option. I would also set up a Dr visit to get him tested for STD's. And you should put a tracking device on the computer. He won't get help unless he knows you are absolutely 100% serious, don't let him shame you it should be shame on him.

Wow. How awful. My feelings would be hurt. He needs to get some help.

I do agree with the fact that you need to help yourself. I have been to many counselors and I learned "first and foremost" that a person will get help if they want help. My x-husband was very mentally abusive to the kids and I. He was dealing with a lot of demons from the past in his life. In some weird way making us miserable was the closest thing he could get to making himself happy. I kept beating myself up and telling the counselors that things would be so much better for us if he would just get help. They told me time and time again that he needed to decide to get help and I could not do it for him. Our marriage was not important enough for him to get help. He never thought I would leave but I did. I made myself strong enough to think clearly. His mother would call me crying and tell me how I was going to ruin my son. (I was sucked in by this at first) I am not saying that the right decision for YOU is to leave the marriage. I am just saying to make yourself strong and you can think more clearly. I think that he has an insecurity issue. Don't let anyone make you think that any of this is your fault. I know that society as a whole is very judgmental and loves to beat a person when they are down.

I think O. question that needs to be answered is: "Does he actually have a sex addiction?"

If he HAS a legit sex addiction (like any other addiction) you should make the "rock bottom" come to him by asking him to move out. To allow him to stay and not address the issue is enabling him.

It could be that or it could be a more acceptable excuse for what he did which is, IMO, reprehensible.

Just the fact that he is ignoring your ultimatum to seek help speaks volumes.

It could be alot of things going on--a sex addiction, a cheating heart (and possibly body), a pornography addition which is now so advanced he needs to escalate it by interacting with real people.....

I wouldn't stay with a man like this but you need to decide what is right for you and your family.