My Husband Left Me, What Now?

California is a community property, no fault state. Meet with a lawyer, like NOW. S/he will go over everything with you. Your husband is just trying to scare you with the custody stuff, he's required to give you (at least) half of everything, and he can't take your kids away just because you don't have a job, it doesn't work that way. I'm sorry you don't realize this, I'm assuming you're very young and naive. Now is the time to grow up and be strong, if not for yourself then at least for your girls.
Even if you can't move, call, text, email your family and friends! Now is also the time for support, get in touch with people, the people who love and care about you. Even if they can't provide financial support they can at least provide emotional support, which is just as important in times like this.
Good luck, STOP CRYING AND GET MOVING!!!

Many years ago, my ex-husband cheated and left me and our baby as well.

It's not true that you can't go stay with your family. Do it. Get on a plane with your girls and go live with them, right away. You will NOT lose custody of your kids, don't worry about that. And like Doris says, I guarantee you he doesn't want them. He wants to be single and screw around. If he’s not willing to take care of his family, he can’t stop you from going to live with your family.

You need to let him go emotionally and get strong. F**k him. HE's the one who will lose out in all this. Dry your tears and look forward to better things. Your family can help you with the attorney, etc. When I was dumped, I got a roommate. If for some reason you can't stay with your family, get a female roommate or two with kids. Create your own new family.

But whatever you do, let him go. You won't get him back. He's screwing around, and he's not interested in his family any more. You need to accept that. Message me if you want to. Been there, done that.

Stay strong! He’s not worth your tears.

You can, and will do this on your own. STAY STRONG, STAND TALL!! Do not wait around for him, take care of you and your children. Do what is best for you and the children. Call an attorney, go to the local welfare office and they will give you help. If you have too, pack up and leave the state, he left you so @#)#( him....

My ex decided to leave for another women, so I packed up, had two toddlers (3 and 2 weeks old), had 74 cents in my pocket, no job, no car, and lived in peoples basements until I could get back on my feet. Was I depressed, yep. Was I anger, yep. Was I a mess, yep. It did take a long time to get back on my feet, but I DID IT AND SO CAN YOU!!!!

25 years later, my ex now has 9 children with different women, lives in a trailer with his 4th wife and he is still a loser...

R., I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I remember finding out about my husband cheating on me (the first time) - we had a baby who was under a year old, a two year old, and my oldest son and his daughter (from prior relationships), whose lives had already been turned upside-down, were 7 & 8. And we were paying mortgages on 2 houses because we had moved before our old house had sold. I remember feeling heartbroken, confused, devastated, and trapped. I had a good job, but not enough to support myself and 3 sons and pay two mortgages. My husband repented and stayed. We hung on to a very broken and miserable marriage for 10 more years and he and his daughter moved out in September. There was no shock this time, but the transition was still tough, and sad.

I think the advice below covers everything you need to address from a practicality standpoint. You do need to talk to a lawyer, you do need to gather all of your financials. Make some appointments for consultations today. If you have friends where you currently live, ask around for recommendations. I was able to find 3 attorneys to do a free consultation with based on recommendations of friends. I met with two in person and one on the phone and it was very helpful as all 3 said the same thing.

I will also throw something out there that might be controversial so take it for what it's worth. If I had not been working when my husband left and I had two small children and my family didn't live in state, I would pack up the kids and go stay with my out of state family for a while. You let him know where you are and how to contact you so he can't claim that you kidnapped your kids (put it in an e-mail so that you have a written record of having informed him of where you are and your intent to come back), and you plan on coming back to hash things out in court. But the reality is that you are their mother, he has abandoned you and his children, and you have as much of a right now to go on a little vacation and spend time with your family as you did before he left. You're not a hostage to your state just because he walked out, you need support and help coping with this and if your family is sympathetic and in a position to help, there is no need to think that you can't go to them. You may want to check with a lawyer first to be sure but it's something to consider doing in the short-term so that you can get some help and support while you sort this out and move on with your next steps.

There is nothing to work out because you are NOT going to beg this sorry excuse of a man for anything. He abandoned his family and has been playing mind games on you to keep you from your money. As Mamazita has said, "California is a community property, no fault state." This means what's yours is his and what's his is yours. He can't just leave you and the girls empty handed.

You have gotten some excellent advice and some wonderful encouragement from Rosebud and WildWoman.

You have no idea what your rights are because you are not an attorney, so get one. A good attorney will help you navigate your way through this situation.

Lastly some things are caught and some things are taught. What things do you want your girls to learn through this process? Keep a journal. You need a record of what is going on. If and when hubby calls, let it go to voicemail. Let him leave messages. You need to keep a record of what he says to you beyond he said she said. You also need to write down your vision for your future for you and the girls. This will help you in formulating a plan of action. You also need to get your health checked out. If hubby has been unfaithful you don't want to catch anything else other than the hurt feelings you already have. Make certain you haven't caught any diseases from his unfaithfulness. Clean yourself up dust yourself off and get a new you going. Become the woman you want your daughters to copy and become. Sure you may cry some but over time it will become less and less. Certainly you will be beyond furious but don't linger there either. Get to the place of forgiveness. There is power in forgiveness. Power for you to move forward without malice, power for you to confidently stand on your own two feet, triumphant and strong.

Be encouraged no matter how many hurdles you have to jump and how many obstacles you may have to climb. Get stronger, better and wiser as you navigate into your brighter and better future. I'm praying for you.

There are so many things to address, but to get you started:

Get your finances in order. If you don't have savings, apply for CalWORKS. It's CA's welfare program. If you qualify, you'll be able to get food stamps, cash aid, health insurance for your kids, etc. to get back on your feet. Another plus is that once you start receiving cash aid through CalWORKS, the State's child support services will automatically go after your husband for child support. You won't have to lift a finger.

Research family law attorneys in your area. See if there are legal aids in your area that can help you since money seems to be an issue. In many cases, the legal aids will at least give you a consultation if you are a CalWORKS recipient (many legal aids get grants from the State to provide legal services to CalWORKS recipients). Once you speak to your attorney, you will need to decide how to proceed. If you decide to separate/divorce, the courthouses have a self-help center that will assist you with completing the paperwork.

Don't listen to his BS about not getting custody of your children. It is absolutely not true that you can't get custody because you don't work. In fact, if you've been the primary care taker of your children while your husband worked, you're more likely to get primary physical custody of your children because that would be the least disruptive for them.

This is a terrible situation and it's understandable that you want to cry all day, but be strong for your children!

He has told you that you can't keep the kids in hopes of making you so scared that you will accept a lot less money and support from him. He will try to "starve you" into letting him keep most of the money so that you "don't lose the kids".

He doesn't want the kids. He wants to be single now, and he is having an affair or affairs. You just don't want to believe it.

You need to get money out of the bank NOW and get it in a bank account with your own name on it. You need an attorney - you HAVE to get an attorney. Your attorney will need to contact his human resource department to make sure he doesn't drop you and the children from his insurance.

Please get working on this now. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Call a family lawyer for an appointment immediately. I would have the most level headed friend I had on speed dial. R., you will get through this. I promise. It is understandable that you are depressed and your mind is all over the place. That's why you need to see a lawyer NOW and have that friend to help you think. Hang in there. You will be in my prayers!!! Get that lawyer NOW!

gotta love the mamapedia/source site for responses.

Time to stop crying and get to stepping. Get all the papers necessary and make copies of everything as others have stated. You are now in charge of your future and your girls. Make it a good one. Do get back in school and make a good life for you guys. Don't worry about hubby any more as he sure is not worrying about you.

Make your plan and work it. Be the role model for your little ladies to live by and be strong and fearless. You can do this. It is times like this that you find out just how strong you really are. Do keep us posted on your progress to the new woman.

One day the dirt bag will want you back but don't let him in. He had his chance(s) and now he has made his final choice and he is gone. Many of us have had issues that have made us change who we are and we have become different people who are stronger and wiser.

A huge cyber hug to you..

the other S.

Where is the financial records?
Bank accounts...checking...credit cards...savings.
Find them. Make copies.
If online.. printout current balance.
Get all financial records you can and make extra copies for yourself.
This is your money too!
Call a family attorney now!

damn it. I had a post all done and clicked post and it went away...URGH!!

I'll see if I can remember what I said before.

This is your time to grow up. I'm sorry this is happening, but you need to stop crying, stop moping, wipe your nose, wipe your tears and stand up straight and move forward. The only thing you will need to look back on is making sure you don't make the same mistake twice. I'm not saying your marriage was a mistake, I'm saying that your pining over him is a mistake.

he will come back on his knees when he sees how much he's going to have to pay in child support and alimony. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. He's only coming back to save himself some money. Tell him NO THANKS and slam the door in his face.

Now is not the time for pity and self doubt nor is it the time for your pride to get in the way. You need a lawyer TODAY. I totally agree with those who have told you to get copies of EVERYTHING.

Go to your local welfare office and apply for welfare and get information from them on lawyers and what you can do. You can go to a local woman's shelter and get information from them too. Ask about finances, school, transportation, housing, child care. Make a list of EVERYTHING you want to ask them and get answers to and bring it with you. Bring a pad of paper and a pen. Be prepared.

How can I get an education?
Is there a grant I can apply for?
How can I get my child care paid for while I"m in school or working?
What does my husband have to pay? (A lawyer will most likely answer that question but you can still ask it)
Where can I go to school? (it will help if you know what you want to do and what skills you have to better help them help you).

Do not let him back into your life. No matter what sweet words he's using? He's most likely NOT a redeemed person (I won't call him a man) and is out to take care of himself.

Now, get to work! Take care of yourself and your girls. Show them that a woman does NOT need a "man" to take care of them. Mom can and will do it.

Find an attorney. You can also get advice from a domestic violence shelter or hotline. You should be able to take half of all monies in all bank accounts in both of your names, open accounts in your name only.
Don't be proud contact social services and get welfare, food stamps and medical assistance right away.
You can get assistance for daycare.
He will have to pay child support.

He has certainly managed to push you in the corner. Get up and get on the phone tomorrow morning...8:00 AM. Call you District Attorney and find out what you need to bring and where you go to file for child support, food stamps, welfare, and whatever else you need in assistance. Go to your church (if you don't have one you can call a Catholic church) and ask where their food bank is and what you need to qualify for their assistance.

You are right, you don't have time to call him any more. He has moved on. Get up and pull this together.

I am sorry that all of this is going on.

I think it may be time to find a lawyer. Many will give you a free consultation. This way, you have a better idea of California Law, and what your rights are. I would NOT rely on your husband to make generalizations.

Facts are power. Begin to arm yourself with them.

I would try to give some more suggestions, but laws vary from state to state.

Best luck!

R., ((((hugs)))))) I am so sorry you are going through this. Repeat after me: "I will get through this and I will be in a better place when I am done making it through this storm. It is hell now, but I got this." I know everything feels so out of control so I would make two appointments immediately: lawyer and therapist/pastor/rabbi to start clarifying the things you can control and what steps you need to take on behalf of you and your girls. Please keep us posted!!!!!

You can leave the state depending on the custody agreement, but you need to get legal representation and get yourself able to care for yourself and your daughters, even if that means getting a little help from the state for now. It is time to stop worrying about him and put all your focus on your kids and getting to a place where you 3 will be okay without him. But don't just wait to see what this dead beat decides, you take the lead in your own life.