My Ex's

Good Morning Beth, sounds like you & I have/had the same situation. It took about 4/5 months before I received my 1st check from FOC. Make sure they know about what arrangements were made & how he doesn't abide by the rules agreed upon. When you work w/them, it seems easier to get things done. I had to bother them every month for the last couple of years to get what was supposed to come to us. My ex ended up moving out of state with a girlfriend, & now they too have a baby. The attention is on the new child & not much w/our son. I made it known to FOC that he doesn't try to see him much when he's in town & when he does, he tries to manipulate me. This Xmas he created the worst havoc & ruined our Xmas Day. Saw our son 2 days out of a 2 wk visit & brought no cash! Owes child support, yet won a court battle w/his last job for over 1.1 Million$. I got back-pay of $4K & he still owes. So be sure to keep on top of things & use your dial in number to keep track & check balances w/FOC all the time. Good Luck. Your child won't understand any of it until they are about 13-then they really see what we go through.
K.

I went through something similar when my son was a baby. It took my several years before I took the power back for my life. As soon as I did that, things changed (including the ex seeing my child).
So I stopped fighting with the ex. I would only discuss issues related to my son. If the conversation got off track, I would tell him I would only talk about XYZ and nothing more.
I showed no emotion around the ex. He used to love to do things that he knew would get me fired up (cutting my sons curly hair and saying he didn't do it). So when he did something, I wouldn't react around him. As soon as he was away from me, I vented. When he stopped getting a reaction from me, it wasn't fun anymore.
As for the carseat issue, you don't have to give the seat to him. But he could show up for visitation with a seat that is not safe. So you could tell let him use the seat. Or you can deny visitation because he doesn't have proper equipment for your child. Something to think about would be him keeping the seat and not returning it to you after a visit.
As for not showing up for visit, keep a log. If he doesn't show up at his scheduled time, write it down. Write down anything that deals with visits that could help you in court. Then when he goes to the courts screaming about more visitation, you can show the proof that he doesn't exercise the visits he does have.

Frist off for ever month goes by without payment becomes money owed. My sons father had to pay all the money back from the first day of filing. You should talk to your Friend of the court case worker to help you know the status.

Secondly, you do not have to send your daughter with any items because the child support is to help keep up with her everyday expenses.

My son's father and I keep things several by only talking about our son. No more and no less. Things work much better when I dropped my son off at day care and at the end of the day his dad would pick him up. This gave his dad someone else to confront if he was late and we did not have to see each other. I gave the teachs the schedule and his number so if he was late they would call him but if they were unable to reach him (which happen only 1 time in eight years) they called me.

I wish you all the luck in the world it is not easy taking our emotions out of it.

E.,
The courts do take about a month to get things going. I would call Friend of the Court and ask them what is going on. I know now in Michigan the money gets direct deposited into a checking account, or a debit card that they will mail you if you have no checking account. As for letting him use the carseat, if he does not have one, i would let him. Only to ensure your daughters saftey. But tell him only for that visit, and then by the next he needs a carseat or he will not be allowed to take her. Diapers, formula, bottles, wipes, clothes, all those things, unless otherwise stated in your cour paperwork, he is to provide for her when she is with him. I hope this helps. I have been through it once with my own son and once with my niece. If there is anything else that i can help you with let me know. Also let Friend of the Court know that you think hes lieing about the amount of money he makes. They can contact his employer and get the exact amount from them, and riase the chid support accordingly.

E. Don't worry about this creep. I would allow him to use your carseat. That is for the safety of your daughter. Hey at least you get 202 a month. I get 174. But here is a way to catch someone when they lie to the FOC. Wait until he buys a new car or a used one. Then have those records from a the car dealership supeonaed. If he claims lets say 60K a year that is a financial obligation and the FOC has to go by that amount he gave on his credit report. Screw him anyways jusst be the best parent that you can to your daughter. Keep a journal of his behavior. Him not showing up for visitations etc. When you have enough write a complaint to the FOC letting them know what is going on

First of all he should have had to show the court proof of income, if he didn't questions need to be raised ASAP!! Secondly I'm not sure how long the withholding takes to go in efect but I do know that you can write a letter to your case worker at the FOC every 90 days that you don't receive support, my ex- went on unemployment and I had to do that so they could "catch up to" him. As far as the car seat goes, NO WAY don't give it to him if he is not fully prepared to take your daughter into his care SAFELY, she DOESN'T go!! What's he going to do call the police and tell them you won't let her leave, they won't without a seat either!!!
Good luck to you, you sound like a wonderful caring Mom and your doing everything right; most importantly for the interst of your child!!

I also have a horrible ex who is never doing what he should be doing when it comes to our daughter who is now almost 8 years old. When you say he lied to the court about how much he makes it makes me wonder about his employer. If you know who he is employed by you can turn that information into the court and have his check garnished for support, they then will know how much he actually makes so they can set his payments accordingly, also you will be guaranteed your payments. I know it can sometimes take awhile for the courts to get things going but 3 months seems too long to me, personally I would call the friend of the court and start asking questions, they can be very helpful. As far as his "whenever he wants" visitation goes, that is court ordered also and if he fails to show up you can document that on your calendar and also turn that in through the friend of the court and he will be in violation of a court order. In my experience, it is nice to get along with the ex for the child but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire to put the fire out. Once he realizes he's not the only one with jerk potential he will back off and you two might be able to see eye to eye once in awhile. Well I hope this helps you atleast alittle!

I guess the question would be is it worth all the hassle to have him in her life if he clearly will not be a positive influence. My mother had a similar situation. My 1/2 brother's father was just like your ex. In turn, a lot of what happened between his parents and having such poor role model for a father caused him a lot of hardship and emotional stress. In my case, my parent's had an amicable divorce before I was born and I never knew my father. How ever growing up fatherless did not have any adverse effects on me. I was a happy child who grew up to be a happy adult. My mom didn't have to "undo" my father's mess like she did with my brother. Single parenthood does not have the stigma it use to.

As for the child support and visitation no-shows, the best thing you can do is keep a log of everything. Even if it seems petty. This gives you an accurate account to present the judge when you need legal intervention.

Hi E. -
You are not responsible to supply him with ANYTHING for his visits. (Unless you had something in your paperwork stating differently.) During his visits he is responsible to provide for her. That includes having the necessary equipment required by law for transporting her. Obviously for your daughters sake you would want to provide him with her daily use items & timeframes.(Ie. diapers, formula, blanket.) But that could all be put in a brown paper bag! And by providing you are doing that for her comfort NOT because you have to for his!
You need to get yourself a calendar and document EVERY contact you have with him and whether he shows or not. I know that info has come in handy when having to go back before a Judge.
I know this is hard one. Do your best to get along and when that fails see him in court! :o) Hang in there!!

OK I am in this with ya. I have 3 children. They are 4,3 and 2. My ex only pays 190.00 for all three. He also throws a fit over vistation. He doesnt take them often either. He also uses my car seats when he takes them. For the kids sake you have to try your best to be on at least a friendly level when the kids are within ear shot. Document everything. I have caught him in so many lies and turned them into the FOC that now he says something and they ask me to make sure hes not lying. Try to make every conversation in writing. Like if he has email. Also try not to make a big deal out of the car seat issue, the court told me that look at it this way at least you know they are riding safetly. So I just let him do and visit when he will and when he doesnt I let the kids tell him how they fell about it. If you ever need someone to talk to about issues like this you can feel free to call me. If you would like my number please email me though i dont give it out publicaly. Just hang in there and be the best mommy you can be.

been there, done that and it sucks!!
you are not required by law to let him use your car seat, but for the safety of your child, I would-atleast that way you know she is in one. and yes keep track of everything, when I was going through it the pros. attorney told me to get a notebook and write everytime he called, stopped to see her, failed to come for a visitation, if she did go w/ him was she fed, clean, happy when she came back etc.. and if anyone else witness's any interactions you may have with them also have them document it in the same notebook, sigh and date everything. It was not in my daughters best intrest to be w/ her father for safety reasons and w/ all my documentation and witness's I got his visitations scheduled so they were supervised only, then when he failed to follow through with them the judge suspended them complettely. I no longer recieve child support from him (by my choice) but during the time that I did it was a pain to get, but you should have a 800 # to call to find out the balance owed and if any payments have been made. you can also contact the friend of the court through letter (always in include your case#) and on the phone, but usually if you want to see the judge or a meidator (spelling???) you have to fill out a motion paper and pay 20 bucks, but in my experience if you just call and write enough, they set up the hearing w/out you having to pay. Good luck, my daughter is almost 8 now and see's her father once or twice a year and never unsupervised, but lucky for me my husband is a great man and raises her just as he does our other two. Best wishes.

I went through the same thing, except my son is now 5, and my husband legally adopted him, so I don't have to put up with anything from my ex. As far as child support goes, ut varies from county to county. He should of had to bringa check stub in as proof of how much he makes for the amount to be determined. If he isn't paying, the court will put an income withholding on his check, and it will automaticlly be deducted from his paychcek and sent before he even gets it. You can petition the court for an income evaluation if you think he should be paying more. As far as the carseat thing, if he has visitation, he should provide for your daughter while he has her. Unfortunatly, if he doesn't pay his support, you still have to abide by the visitation order. I have been going through this same exact thing for 5 years. My ex even has a new child, and is married to the new girl, who not to mention is a lot younger than both of us, which makes it even harder, b/c she is so immature. It really helps to have somebody to vent to in these situations! If you want any more info, or just need somebody to vent to, you can e-mail me. at ____@____.com Hope that helps -D.

Hun the only thing you can do is grin and bare it because as long as you show how angry you are with him the more he is getting the pleasure of doing it. Just talk nice and sweet to him like the first day you met him and about the car seat issue, tell him that he needs to get his own car seat or he isn't allowed to put the baby in his car. Keep a journal of all of the conversations you have with him, the time he picks her up and when he drops her off. I personally do not understand how he lied about how much he makes because he has to show his recent check stubs but if you have a question about it you can make an appointment to see your friend of the court worker and have that requested. When does the child support start comming in? That depends on if it is being taken out of his check. If he is paying it on his own, good luck, If it is suppose to be taken right from his check and he is still working there then probably a month or so. If you don't see something soon you will have to call the friend of the court but not the one down town. Call the ###-###-#### waite till it ask to talk to someone and stay on hold and an actual person will talk to you. Do not push any buttons. If you have any more questions I can see if I can help.

E. - I would call the friend of the court and ask them what is going on. Also, if your ex has a job, the court will send papers to that job asking for verification on how much he makes. Also, YOU don't have to bend over backwards for your ex; make him get his own seat and if balks at it, then just simply say then you can't take her. I WOULD definitely call the courts and ask, it could be that he is not paying. I would write him off and if he shows up to see his daughter then allow him but I would not even remotely make it easy on him at all.

I have a daughter who is 7 and I divorced her dad when she was almost 2. I have yet to recieve a dime of child support mainly because he does not keep a job. If your ex has a job continue to call the number for enforcement something will come along. lastly, I could not stand my ex not because of our relationship but because he was and is not a good dad. I would get so angry I had to drop her off and pick her up in order for him to see her. I was so angry. Well I have stopped some of that but the important thing I want to share is some advice a person gave me about this situation we face. When a dad or parent is not right that is their cross to bare. i don't know if you are a God fearing woman or spiritual in any way but I had to lean on that. I would not argue or get upset when he was not a good dad. The kids seem to plain you for it. Consider your self blessed that you can take care of your child inspite of her dad being such a jerk. He is a jerk because he is not fulfilled and no conversation in the world is going to fix him. Keeping calling the friend of the court. Let him use the car seat be, the biggest person you can be without going out of your way and you will begin to feel better and he will stay away when he is not right or wants to cause trouble. He likes to know he can get to you. Be strong, be glad he is gone and pray for the woman who has that lousy jerk in her life. Pray for your daughter and son too because this will affect them both. He knows what gets to you and when you are strong enough to longer argue or get upset because he is crazy it is liberating. Just say ok when he goes to the courts and act all crazy and think in your mind whatever, you are not going to even show up. Being the bigger person may sometimes mean you can't talk to him if you are not strong enough. Just don't answer the phone no one has to know.

My daughter is 7 and she knows her dad and still Loves him but she knows that he is not right and he has to deal with her today. Because I am free of even thinking about him. I fiqure maybe one day I will get a really big child support check and my baby and I will travel for a month :) Be Strong

Hello,
I hope that I can help you in some way, but I know how frustrating this can be. I was a single mother for about four and a half years. When I found out I was pregnant my boyfriend and his family (mind you we were both out of highschool), decided that they would act as if this happened by my power only. Anyways, to make a long story short, he was inconsistent in his committment to his daughter once she was born. The fighting does not help. It is not good for you or her. You do not need the un-due stress, that is for sure. And I hate to sound like a pecimist, but the idea of him not being in her life may be easier than him being there to create chaos and conflict. Although it is a double edge sword because she is the victim here and she deserves to have her father. He sounds like a real winner, but hey, its too bad we don't know that before we actually need them.
With the FOC, they are as slow as can be, at least here in Michigan. One thing though, when they do track him down, they will take his money from him if he owes back child support. One day a received a check for over a thousand dollars out of the blue. come to find out they took his tax refund check. So I suggest continue to file complaints so that you have documentation but don't hold your breath.
Good luck and it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and will do what is best for your children. Bottom line, he loses. He doesn't get to see the wonderful blessing that he has in the daughter you share.

you only get to chose the dad before you lay down with him. after that it's already been done. if you withhold a relationship between them because of money than be prepared to be the reciever of much resentment cause she doesn't know her dad. your daughter will form her own opinion of her dad as life goes on. it seems as if he will be disappointing her a lot and she will see that herself. all you can do is keep trying for the sake of your daughter. everything takes time with children and in time this problem will correct itself too.

my son is 16 and after all these years of a dead beat dad he no longer cares to go out of his way to see his dad, because of all the years his father did that to him. but he still loves him. it is his dad afterall.

go luck and much patience

It's great that you want to be fair to your daughter, but she's so young it rerally doesn't matter. No you Do Not have to give him Anything. If he wants to see his child then it's his responsibility to have everything that he will need. That includes a carseat. If you know that he doesnt have one and he calls tell him to bring one or he's not takeing her. Bottom line and simple. Also my ex pays 333.00 a month that 202.00 really is not bad, not great but at least he has to pay something, a couple of things if you know he lied, get proof and take it to the Friend of the Court. Three months and still no support? Call the Friend of the Court and see whats happening, if you have state aide, you can also contact your worker....state aide never helped me much but good luck hun.

Also if you know that he will manipulate then prepare yourself in any way you can. Also Documant, documant, documant! that is the only way for you to keep up and have proof when he tries to get more visitation. Every time he calls, every time hes to show up...write down if he does, how long he stays, no shows all of it. this is your only sorce of back up. Make sure you have dates and times that way he cannot manipulate truth Good luck Hun, My prayers are with you.

I'm kind of in the same situation except I have 2 fathers that aren't in their children lives on who pays 283.00 a month for the last 8 years and we went to court and he's trying to get it lowered even though he made 40,00 more than me last year! and I have another childs father who hasn't paid child support in over 18 months and owes me over 6,00.00 I work full time and go to college and the court systam doesn't care very much! I had to go and hire a lawyer to present my case in front of the judge! and request all records from his employer be brought into court and reviewed! If he doesn't want to be involved with your child it's his loss one day he will grow up and realize what he is missing when it is too late! Your child will respect you in the future for being there and loving unconditionaly!

best wishes to you

Hi Beth. I come from the other side of the fence. My husband pays child-support for my wonderful 9 year old stepson. Let me tell you what I know that may help:

You can ask for a review of Child Support only once a year. If your ex doesn't have proof of income (paystubs), FOC should be able to get them from his employer. They should also be able to contact his employer and require that they debit the CS directly from his paycheck, so he has no choice but to pay it. My husband set it up this way by choice so his ex has no cause for complaint. If FOC hasn't done this, call your case worker and ask.

Vistitation and Child Support are seen as two separate things by the court. If he doesn't pay you, you can't withold visitation, and if he doesn't show up for visitation, he can't withold payment. You are entitled to the support regardless of whether he sees your daughter or not.

As soon as the amount he needs to pay is set by FOC, if he doesn't pay the amount adds up. Once he is in arrears by $1500 or more, FOC will take his income tax refund. In some cases, they can even take it directly out of his checking account.

Documentation is your only recourse. Document everything, down to how he treats you. Right now, it may not affect your daughter, but as she grows if he is not respecting you, she will pick up on it. This is destructive to her relationship with both parents, and it is possible that FOC may limit his visitation.

Try to leave emotion out of it. Keep to the FOC guidelines and limit your interaction with him. Refuse to discuss anything in front of your child. We have set up a phone call prior to picking my stepson up and after he goes home to go over any issues. Maybe you could do the same thing? If he is rude to you or tries to manipulate you, simply say you have to go and hang up the phone.

Don't bad mouth her dad (at least in front of her). As she grows, she'll understand more than you think she will, and she'll make up her own mind. My stepson's mother consistently bad-mouths my husband and I, telling him all sorts of lies about us, but we simply correct the lie and do not retaliate. The bottom line is that she is his mom and therefore to be respected. Even if she doesn't earn that respect.

Good luck. It gets better, just try to be patient and roll with the punches!

i know the feeling i have a 3 yr old who has never met her real dad. he told the judge in july 2004 that she is a girl i want nothing to do with her i only want boys. friend of the court takes for ever to get child support rolling. u do not have to give him the car seat you have he needs to get one of his own he is suppose to have things at his place for her u do not need to supply them for him. my ex has a lil boy 2 yrs older then my daughter has another 7 months younger then another one almost 2 yrs younger then her. he loves them to death but hates my lil girl. my boyfriend and his family has taken my lil girl in so i see it that she has two loving families thats all she needs she doesn't need his family at all. i have showed her pictures of her brothers and dad but she says no that is not my dad and not my brothers so i let it go. when she gets older i think i will try again to show her. i will tell her what her dad said so she doesn't get mad at me for things she can get mad at him. i see my ex in court i have to run to the bathroom he makes me puke.