Need Custody Advice - Roseville,CA

Dear S.,

You need to get a lawyer asap. No asking people who have had this experience. Each case is individual, each state has different laws. You need to get a lawyer asap, for the baby's sake you need to get this straightened correctly. So that he can have a good relationship with his father, stepfather, mother and possible stepmother down the road. Give the child a good solid start in this difficult world. Get a lawyer, yes, I know I said it three times.
Sincerely,
C. N.

You have received some great advice. The only thing I can add is that if you cannot afford an attorney you can get one thru Legal Aid. They charge on a sliding fee schedule. It is important to have an attorney.

I would like to comment on his desire to become a part of his child's life and whether or not it's true. If you want him to have that opportunity now he can do that without having custody. The court can provide total legal custody to you and give him parenting time; ie. visitation is the old word.

I went through a situation with my son who is now 9. The father wanted visitation to reduce the child support payments and to be able to keep an eye on me. I offered him supervised visitation without me there and he was not interested. I kept a log of how often he would decline a visitation offer or just would not show up. Yes, if you offer and he says no, it needs to be written down. I also found out about the abandonment law, it is if there is no contact for 6 months or more you can fight to terminate the parental rights. I talked to many lawyers and did a lot of research. It took me a while but I finally asked the father to sign over his rights and told him that if he did so that he would no longer have to pay child support. It also involves the bio-father not being involved in any way with the child. In my situation, this was a good thing. We did everything out of court, but had lawyers in the waiting incase something came up. Since I do not know your situation, I can not give you advice on if this might be a good option for your child. It was the answer to my prayers. 6 years ago I met the man of my dreams and he has adopted my son and our family is very happy. Good luck to you. If you have any more questions please feel free to contact me.

This is only and opinion base on my personal experience.
you may want to contact your lawyer to get representation.
I am sorry you have to go thru that, Is not easy but you need to control yourself. First of all when the father is absent, he can loose his rights. As long as you are not an unfit mother, I don't think he can take the child away from you. He may be able to get some custody, I don't know that he can get50% especially if he has not been involved in the child's life. I am going thru the same thing, and he has not been able to take more that what I agree to it.
you need to have a really good lawyer and he may help you with the case.
Make sure that if you have a set scheduled you, and him follow trhu with it. When you go to court with your lawyer there let him handle the situation and everything will be okay.
Good luck REAL ESTATE MOM

No matter what you do DO NOT LOSE YOUR CONTROL in front of him, his family/friends, any attorneys or judges. Make sure you conduct yourself with respect and pride! In custody battles everyone slings dirt at each other- dont sling it unless it is true... otherwise when there is dirt to sling you wont be taken serious. Now with that being said, dont all absent parents want to be a part of a childs life once child support becomes an issue? You need to decide deep down if the father would be a good "dad". Take all the negative feelings about your break up away, and examine him as the person he is. If he would be a good dad then yes he deserves visitation, but definately not 50% especially with such a young child. Maybe you can come to an agreement about every other weekend from Friday early evening to Sunday morning twice a month until the child is used to him. (This makes him give up his hot weekend nights). If he really wants to know his child this will not bother him. After that tell him then you will add a weekday evening visit. Do this for a while, he may just disappear all together if he doesnt really care, as my sons father did. Ultimately though you need to remember that through this journey everything you do and say in regard to your childs father will impact your child forever. And dont allow your child to be used as a pawn in this battle. He is not a game piece to be used when one of you feel the need to make another move towards your opponent! If the guy is a no good loser than fight with everything you have (and give up the child support if he'll sign off on his paternity), if he could make a positive impact on your childs life and future than by all means you should be happy that your child has the opportunity to know his father. But no matter what do not back down from what is the right thing, safest thing, and most beneficial for your childs life! But right now from the begining start a journal. Everytime he calls, shows up at your door, write down the date the time, what he wanted and how it concluded. Continue this no matter what happens, if he's late, early or doesnt show for a visitation document it, if your son comes home from his house in clothes too small take a picture and document it! Also request the court to advise him that he needs to furnished his own residence with a crib, formula, bottles, diapers, clothes and all the necessities needed for your son! (Car seat also). If your son has a favorite blanket or toy send that with him for his own security but nothing else. Stay strong and good luck!

Are you sure he is just doing it to reduce child support... or maybe he is coming around to be a good dad?? Give him a chance before you go to court to see how things go. My father took me away from my mother and I wish he would have given her a chance to change.

You should probably ask the court for a parenting plan from him seeing how he hasn't been around much and it appears that he only wants 50% custody for not to pay child support.
What ever you guys do always keep a log or journal of what goes on, conversations, etc. You would be surprised how much weight it can hold in court. My husband did that and when the court mediator saw everything the ex was doing and how consistant in doing it she was, the mediator was not happy and told her not to use the kids as pawns and then flat out said that if we had had an atty- she would have lost custody of the kids. A journal is so well worth it. Its been 10 years and I still keep one.

Hi S.,
I have been there. If the only reason he is requesting 50/50 is to save a little child support, the judge should notice that. Has he already responded through the courts that he is requesting 50/50 or is he just telling you that? He may just be talking A LOT...they do that. Everyone is correct in telling you to keep a journal. Keep a very organized journal with dates and times and include anything in writing from him you posibly can, letters, notes, or emails. Then you will have to prove your case to the judge that you feel this is purely out of spite and for the purpose of saving money. You will need to stress that he has not spent time with the baby and shows a lack of interest until the child support issue came up.

Try to back track (in writing) and show the courts how often he visited the baby and if there were any broken promises regarding the baby.

However, brace yourself, you always have that chance that the judge could decide that he should have his chance at caring for the baby. Does he have a home, room, carseat, etc for the baby? Is the baby nursing?

As far as conducting yourself...respect the judge! Be sure to address him/her with "Your Honor" or "Judge". Stay focused on the babies needs and concerns. And, speak to the judge, not the babies father. Do Not engage in an argument with him, if you disagree with him, state your plee with the judge, that is who you are convincing.

Bring copies of doctor bills, hospital bills, child care etc that you may not have already given to your case worker.

Good Luck!

Can you afford a lawyer? That would be the best place to start...I am going thru the samething myself right now. And my Lawyer has been a life saver thru the whole thing. I am only 6 months into the process, so get ready for a long ride. Write EVERYTHING down...even the little things. Can you and your ex get along? If not joint custody wont work. I have had a judge and mediation tell me that. So unless you are selling drugs ect ect you should have no problem getting full custody of you son.

Good luck ana Hang in there...

L.

I have been through a custody case and the best advice I can give you is to STAY CALM in the court room. You're better off letting your son's father spout what he wants to say and not interrupting him. The judge will give you the opportunity to speak. Try not to get into a war of words with the man while you're in front of the judge. I wish you all the luck in the world. I know it isn't easy. I'm here if you want to bounce your frustration off of me. Just message me privately if you'd like to. Good luck, S.!

Document, Document, Document....I will tell you this the main thing you need to do to help your case. I went through this last year and one of the major things to help me was this. The judge or mediator doesn't want he said/she said stories, but facts and details. I will tell you in California, they do want the father to be apart of the childs life and involved and will not give no rights, unless their is proof of neglect such as drugs or criminial behavior. If that is the case, be prepared and bring court documents to the hearing.
My son's father wouldn't take my son more than 2 hours and he wanted the same thing. But the judge granted every other weekend anyway. I was scared at first but you can't deny your child his right to see his father, unless of the things I previous stated. The courts do not care about child support, they told me even if he doesn't pay child support you can't deny him the right to see the child!! Sucks but true. Also, remember to file a child support garnishment order. It takes about 7 months to take affect, but it was one of the best things I ever did. NOw, I get the child support, direct deposited into my account, every 2 weeks!!
This time will be difficult, but remember to document everything he does, calls, visits, bad things, and what he does or doesn't give. For example, saw child for 5 hours and didn't feed him. Also, remember to keep your cool. No matter what he may tell you, this isn't about you and him anymore, it's about your child!! Seriously, I know it is hard, but this is how the judges see it and you need to adapt. It is now longer okay to keep fathers away, but grant them visitation in the courts eyes.
I hope this helps. YOu will get through this difficult time! Take it day by day. Good luck and let me know if their is anything else you would like to know. Bye for now.

As biased as it is, the woman usually gets what she wants. Your son's father is probably realizing the reprocussions of not supporting you and your son from the beginning. My son's father has 50% parenting time, and pays no support. However, he has not seen him in 6 weeks. My attorney told me to wait till 3 months has passed, then we can file an order that keeps things the way they are until a final custody order is entered with the courts. Just remember that you are doing what is best for your son. Do not settle for 50% time. I did and it was a huge mistake. Children need consistency, stability, and predictability. All that boils down to is security. If they know that they visit dad every other weekend, then it is expected and easier to handle. Good luck to you. My attorney is Chuck Spinner. I have a seven and a half year old boy.

PLEASE get a lawyer! You may have to call around to find one who'll take you on and charge your ex, but they're out there. Don't go to court unarmed! My ex is a jerk and wanted full custody; he even tried to take the kids away, but I fought like a tigress and got a lawyer who didn't let that happen. Make sure you write down everything that he HASN'T done, and anything that may be pertinent to custody that he HAS done (any harm to you or anyone, etc.) It sounds dirty, but these are our kids..... There is rarely niceness in these heart wrenching court battles... Good luck and God Bless; I'll keep you in prayer!

Think as a child. Would you like your dad be around you?
Now think as an adult. Your problems and difficulties are between his dad and you. Never talk bad about him to your child. Let your son knows his dad. He is smart and he will see whatever is wrong. Like irresponsible, careless or negligance. He never has to be in the middle. He has to get the best from both of you. He entered this world from both of you. He deserves the best from mom and dad.

Sorry I'm giving this advice since I have not been in this EXACT situation so, I don't think I'm of much help but I think that if you have a way to prove the neglect your baby's father has had and that he hasn't been in your son's life or if you feel your child's safety is threatened by X or Y reason (drugs, alcohol) when he's with him... you'll have a strong case. On the other hand, if he really just wants a fair shot on being a father (finally) and just wants to be around his son, it could be a good thing. I DO KNOW that if he doesn't keep his responsibilities after the court ruling, EVERYTHING can change and sole custody can be granted to ONLY YOU! You need to prove this though! Chin up!! GOOD LUCK!

Hi S., first if you can get a good family law attorney I would start there first.then document everything from phone calls what was said what arrangments that you make ect ect. keep a journal the courts really take that in considerations.if he's an alcholic,drug user even if its like pot or anything document.you need to protect your child its sad that parents want nothing to do with their own flesh and blood but when it comes to money that becomes so important. how sad how much a child really matters. good luck and let us know the out come. get ready for a long ride.and it will get frustrating at times but hang in there .

If you are in Ca., don't worry, get the very best Lawyer, her name is Mary Margret Johnston, in Stockton with her, you've won before going to court, I guarantee it, ###-###-####, she's hard to get, but if u can, it's a done deal.

Dear S.,

Hello, I feel for you because I am a victom of what you are going through. I do have to say I agree with Terry. There is alot of things that you need to do to make sure you are going to be ok. But the best advice I can give you is to take care of it now.

The reason I am telling you to take care of it now is because I went through a custody case with my son who is 9 years old and now is liveing with his dad out of state. It was very devestating, but what could I do. All I can do right now is wait to see what happens when he gets older.

I dont want to scare you, but it is better to take care of it now, instead of later. Watch out for lawyers, they are very convinceing. The best thing to do is to look for the best or get referrals.

My story is that I am a married woman and have been for 6 years. My ex was not in the picture as much as my current husband. My son called my husband dad and was really close to him and his 3 brothers at the time. There is so much I can tell you, but it would take a long time.

An example of being a good parent is not always the way it goes. Fathers do have rights. When it comes to child support, it does not matter who has what percentage with the child, you still have to pay. Usually they go by 25% of the persons income. Somtimes there is hardships, but it is not easy to get them.

Anyway, Good luck and be careful on what you do. Make sure you do some investigation on lawyers. Document everything and listen to what the court has to say. If you do decide to represent yourself, be careful because you got to know what to say and correctly. They do look at that. One last advice I can give you is do not sign anything until it is looked at by someone who knows the law, maybe a lawyer or a paralegal. Your ex's lawyer will try anything to get you to do, so be careful.

I hope I did'nt scare you, but I have experienced it and investigated after the fact and have learned alot about the law. I will pray for you and good luck.

C.

Get a lawyer! If you can't afford one you can probably get a state funded lawyer, call your county. If that does not pan out when you go into court express any concerns you have about the father, let the judge know he has not been around. My boyfriend and I have been going thru a wicked court case for 3 years with his ex, we have the kids in Cali and she is in Colorado. This is because we were honest and have a more stable environment. Good luck!

My best freind went thru this with his Ex-wife. SHe wanted 51% on paper but didn't really care to see the baby. He kept a daily calalnder of how many day "Mom" actually came to see him adn how many nights a month she kept him.

Some how it was brought up in teh courts that she felt she spent plenty of time with him and that she felt things were equal, blablabla.. So he pulled out his reconds and calanders. when the courts saw how "active" she was in her sons life They granted my friend almost full custody and she now pays him child support.

I am not sure of your situation and how active Dad is in you babies life, but if he is an inactive part and just trying to save himself some money, i would track "time"

H.

Good Look

When my uncle was getting full custody of his son, they told him to get friends and family to all write letters baring witness to how my much my uncle loves and takes care of his son. It would probably help if your friends and family could bare witness of how little time he spends with his son, and how well you take care of him.

Hi! I'm going through the exact same thing right now. Custody battle w/ my ex, of whom I was never married to. Turned out he was cheating on me throughout my pregnancy and left me for this woman when our preemee baby of 4 lbs was only six days old. He had nothing at all to do w/ our son until he was six months old and now all of a sudden wants a father of the year award. He wants 50% custody too to avoid the high payment of child support AND because his girlfriend is 42 doesn't have kids, and he already has 4 of his own and doesn't want more. He's trying to fulfill his girlfriend's desires to be a mother by gaining more time w/ our son. He doesn't want the time w/ him, he wants his girlfriend to have the time.

I've gone to court and we were ordered to mediation orientation then to mediation (CA law). We were unable to come to an agreement in mediation and now we have to go before a judge. The judge will have us investigated and decide how much time his father will get with the baby. His father is pushing for 4 overnights every other week but I am pushing for zero overnights until he takes a parenting class and our son is 2 yrs of age. Since he was born premature and can catch RSV, has poor sleeping habits, not to mention has had a constant ear infection since 8 mos of age and now has to have tubes in his ears, he doesn't need to be bounced back and forth and be confused as to who everyone is. Psychologist and Pediatric Psychatrists (sp?) recommend SHORTER MORE FREQUENT visits w/ the non-custodial parent. When you do go to court, rmember that. If you are the primary care giver than make sure that until your baby is at least 2 yrs of age (doctors say until 5) your baby's father has short frequent visits. That's what I'm fighting for. My attorney is pretty confident I'll get it. Goodluck! Keep me posted and I'll keep you posted!

You go to court and you tell the judge that he has not been around most of the childs life and that you have been the main person in his life since he was born. Believe me the courts look at the past track record and nine times out of ten the court awards the child to the parent that has the largest impact in the childs life. Does not sound like daddy can fill that bill. The other thing is if the father has even set up visitation and does he make those visitations? If not that is not a good sign either. Hang in ther cause in Washington State there is no shared child custody and I believe that other states are doing the same thing cause most parents do not share a 50/50 with each other.

hi S.

custody battles can be tough on all involved. I went through a custody hearing but I think mine was easier than most becuase the father didn't even show up. I know that if he thinks he can pay less child support by having 50% custody he is wrong I know in California they go by what the parents earn per month and when I went through the court for child support the child support total was 25% of what the parent earned in a month if I remember right. The court will consider what is best for the child. The best thing you can do when you go to court is first of all take a deep breath before you go in there and let the judge do what he has too, your child will not be in the actual court room with you they have a childs waiting room where they have someone watch the kids for you while you are in court at least they do here in sacramento. so your kids can play while you deal with the custody issue. well good luck hope this helps everything will be ok.