How Should I Handle This? - Southfield,MI

Sounds like you are getting some good advice and i like the idea about getting together with his new wife and see how that goes. Maybe if she gets to know you she won't feel as threatened and also give you a chance to interact with her. You said that when he has called to take her you said no and I am confused because that sounds like he is trying and maybe he feels that if he does try he will get shot down. Good luck and keep the lines of communication open with him, even though it is hard. He is still her daddy.

You didn't mention if Friend of the Court was involved, but I'm guessing not. My husband had to take his girlfriend to court to prove that his son was his, as after his birth, she was denying it. It took months to get it settled and once it had been, DH was awarded joint custody with visitation. However, because my stepson was so young, he could only visit for an hour after work every night (and she lived an hour away) and no weekends. He was about 12 months before he could take him from her house to his own, and then only for 3 hours. We didn't get him overnight until he turned 2 1/2, I think.
My point is, my husband was super involved, wanted to be around all the time, and paid his child support happily, and still didn't get overnights until 2 1/2. So, I don't think you're wrong to wait. And I think FOC would probably agree with you.
Good luck!

I would separate yourself from your emotions and focus on what you want. If you want your daughter to have her father in her life, you need to bend over backward at this stage to encourage their relationship. If he has a new wife, you should be doing everything you can to make her fall in love with your daughter, that is the way to ensure she is treated well at her dads. Honestly, it sounds like you are enjoying the control of getting to say when and where (maybe because of your disappointment and jealousy over your own relationship) but you need to let that go. Right now your daughter might be showered with love at their house and create relationships that will last a lifetime. In time they will have a new baby and, lets be honest, then they will won't see your daughter as much unless they form the bonds now.
Just my honest impression.

I say stick to your guns. If he is only going to be there when it is convient for him, she is not a priority - how will she be well cared for and looked after if she is not a priority?

If he wants to get serious and actually help - then he can see her - unsupervised. If not - he can come to your place and show his love and concern.

Good Luck!

B.-
First, let me say that I've gone through just about the same thing! My daughter's father stopped speaking to me when I wouldn't abort and only stayed involved in my pregnancy minimally, at the demand of his parents. He asked for a paternity test 8 hours after she was born. Even when that came back proving him to be the father, he either wanted to take my daughter by himself (as an infant he spent maybe 2 hours a week with her) or just didn't come around. He moved to Chicago (from Kalamazoo) when she was 18 months old and to Philadelpia when she was 3 and a half.

So, I'm a single mom, too and my daughter's father lives over 700 miles from her and hasn't visited her since April of 2009. His parents live near Kalamazoo in Richland (20 minute drive TOPS!). They also bounce in and out of my daughter's life and only see her once every 6 to 8 weeks.

I've asked that things be a certain way for consistency for my daughter from her father and his family for 6 years. I think it's important that if my daughter is only going to see this side of her family once per month at most and once every two months typically, my input on what how to care for her and making her comfortable should be valued, respected and seen as an assett. I'm with her every single day, I am the person in her life with the most knowledge of what she wants, needs and is used to. I have begged for consistency for such a long time, with no improvement that now, I go with my daughter when she is going to spend time with her grandparents. I konw that might not be an option for you, B.. But, Mama Knows Best and if you're asking for consistency so that your daughter is as comfortable as she can be dealing with a blended family, that is well within your rights and responsibilities as a mother.
Communication is a very important factor, especially in sitautions where the parents are not together. I feel that the parent the child spends the most time with should be able to set the guidelines. My daughter changes so much from month to month that these visits become a disruption when they don't happen consistently. They all just want to play with and pamper her, not knowing what else to do because they don't see her regularly. Then I have to deal with a whiney 6 year old when she returns!!!
I think you are right to state your feelings, make your expectations clear, and leave the responsibility as to whether or not there will be better consistency up to the people responsible for providing this to an innocent child. Keep asking for what you want and, though you may need to come to some sort of compromise, keep asking until you feel that your daughter has what she needs to create and build healthy family relationships. It is our job as Mamas to do what we feel is best for our children, no matter who disagrees!

If he'll go months without seeing her, then I wouldn't let her go either. She doesn't KNOW him. For her own self-security issues, I would not allow it. Once he starts seeing her on a more consistent basis, only then would I allow it.

first, money does not equal time with child. they are two completely seperate issues so you cannot keep him from her because he doesnt pay.
second, someone has to give in. the only person you are punishing is your daughter when you keep them apart. i grew up without a father and it was my mothers doing and i am very upset about it. i am almost 40 and it still hurts. please dont do this to your child. you cannot tell your ex who he can marry.

Communication is often forgotten in relationships of every kind. You may be separated, but this is the father of your child and you need to decide if this child will have her father in her life, as all children deserve to make their choice later in if they want to keep their parents in their life or not by making their own decisions - not you doing it now. (I know I have suffered for it, and so have others.)

I suggest getting to know your ex's partner. There is nothing wrong with this. It will be the only way you can feel comfortable and if your child will be with them, you can feel better about it. If you do this - do it on neutral ground - I suggest a restaurant. Go out for lunch with the kids or something. This way, all of them get to know each other and it may even work out well. You may even like her and she may even like you. (She may have a biased opinion based on what the ex has said about you.)

What are the legal arrangements? If he is allowed visitation, then you are risking some trouble.

Sometimes these situations get too caught up over our feelings of he said/ she said and he doesn't like/ she doesn't like and a whole other bunch of who-ha. This is when it needs to get pushed aside for the well-being of the children. If you can't meet on neutral territory - meet with a lawyer and spell out the arrangements. Then you should have less worries and if something goes wrong, you have something to back it up, legally.

B.; i think what you are doing is your way of doing things and sounds like your daughter has a great mom, but since he does not do things with the daughter, i would be more inclined to let him take her now that there is a woman in his life, since now you know someone responsible will be there, i think too, the child needs to be with daddy for a stabilization for the childs sake, after all you did put her in daycare, did you talk to them for 3 months and wait and wait till you put her in there? its ok to get to know her, and push through your pain, its rough , but for your daugthers sake, you should try, its a shame men leave their wives do to all the child rearing, and its a shame lives for our children have to be caugtht in the middle, try to work through it and be the bigger person, try a daddy date first just a couple hours, see how it goes, you might have to train him slowly how to take care of her, as long as he is not a pedofile, then she should be ok, hang in there and pray and find the inner strength to be even a greater mom, take care and continue being the best you can for your daughter, D. s

Btandi,

Since there is a lot you left out of the story, I can only give you my opinion on what you posted. I do believe you like the control. It is his daughter and he does have the right to see her whether he is paying or not isn't the issue. You mention 2 other children so I am assuming that this man is not their father? Did you consider that he isn't helping before you are using your daughter like a pawn in a chess game? I know you posted hoping everyone was going to tell you that you are right. But honestly I don't feel that you are. I think you are holding all the cards and you like it. Let him see his daughter and maybe things would change. And whether you like or don't like his new wife isn't your choice either, you didnt marry her and he didn't need your permission. I think first off you need to get on with your life and let go of the anger you have. I wish you the best of luck.

I do see your point, B.. Honestly. I agree on consistency. I agree on involvement.

But it does sound like he's in between a rock and a hard place. His wife isn't comfortable with your existence. And especially with a baby. And he's trying to please everyone. That's what it sounds like. And maybe not doing well at it. But he may just not have a clue how.

You have to remember that he wasn't alone in creating this situation, okay? It took two people. If it was so easy to walk away, maybe that should tell you something. I would think that there are far better qualified guys out there that would be far better role models and father figures.

So maybe your daughter could be allowed over on a gradual basis. The wife is not your issue but your daughter's dad's issue to deal with. If he's trying and gets flak for it, then there are issues there. Because she should have respect for a guy who is trying to show responsibility. Maybe she hasn't experienced it with her child's father????? So she shouldn't begrudge her now hubby of being responsible.

Consider being there at first. If that's not an option....then don't give in. As the custodial parent you have obligations. You should be there with your baby to make sure all is well and to be able to leave with her. Or maybe you and the dad could meet at a neutral place? The malls have kiddie areas.
But don't lay a lot of demands on him right away. When he is trying to establish contact, keep it at that. The more contact, the more you can allow. And then you can voice some of the concerns you've just expressed here (doesn't return calls well, doesn't this doesn't that) and at least give him a chance to admit his failings and/or defend himself. He may not have the best excuses, but give him some credit for trying. And meanwhile maintain your custody. He may have fathered your daughter but that doesn't necessarily mean he's good father/husband material.

I would at least let him take her once and see how it goes. If she doesn't seem to like it then don't let her go back. But he is the father so if he wants to see her then i think you should let her. Just because he didn't know the new wife for too long shouldn't let you affect your daughters relationship with her dad. However this isn't my child and if it was I might feel differently so it's hard to say.

I guess the first question would be do you have a custody agreement? Does he pay child support... Thru the state. (NEVER accept $ from him... Make him go thru the state so there is a record of it and a standard of responsibility he will be held to.)Daycare costs would be worked into it.

It is his right to see the child and he could take you to court for denying him that right. There needs to be a court approved visitation agreement. It does not HAVE to include over nights. But just stipulate WHEN and under what conditions he can see the baby. (supervised, unsupervised, public places, at private homes etc)

The only way to ensure that you get consistency is to have legal paperwork that he MUST adhere to.

You can put into it that there are no over nights until she's 12 if you both agree to that. Include no out of state trips unless you have prior notification AND you approve. You can also stipulate that the calls will be to discuss the child and NOTHING ELSE...

That should stop the calls to pick her up in an hour... But it will probibly not ensure that he will see her every time he has scheduled...

Hi B.,

Like the other moms, I suggest you let the baby go. Many of us have been here and realize you can't make him do things your way although you are absolutely correct.

As for child support - go to the courts, do not back down, you need money to take care of your child, oftentimes men don't realize the costs involved.

Congrats on having your MBA and making it happen for you and your children!

It's too bad he can't be more consistant in being apart of his daughters life. I believe that girls need a father/or caring male in their life just as much as boys probably more. I think it's good for children to have a father around but only if they are going to add something positive.
Do you think that he may not help out financially because he does not get to see her on his terms. I don't know why but there are plenty of men who won't provide for their child because they don't have assess to them they way they like. This is the excuse they use for not stepping up to their responsibility.

I don't blame you for not wanting to give your child over to strangers. From what you are saying your daughter does not have a relationship with her father because he does not come around enough for her to form any type of bond and you don't know this women at all. If you believe that the new wife is holding any type of resentment towards your child I think it's best that she not be around this women. It just would not be a healthy environment.
If he refuses to help you or compromise It would probably be best to work out some type of custody/visitation arrrangement and child support through the courts. That way you and your daughter are protected. Espcially is he decides to take her on a visit and keep her longer than you would like.

Do you have a court order that states that he needs to pay child support? If not, you can take him to court to have one set up; the problem with that is, then he would have the right to see your daughter and you would have to set up a visitation schedule. Good luck.

First of go to the friend of the court and file a child support (& custody) case if he has a job they will make him pay, usually if you dont have the money to file (which is usually $80-$100 depending on the county and case your filing) they will wave it for you depending on the circumstances.
Second you can not leagly keep your child from her father even if he is not paying or helping so if he wanted to take you to court then you would look bad in there eye's for keeping your child away from her father but if you have proof that he isn't consistant then that will help your case. I understand completely about having a dead beat for a childs father, I'm in the same boat but in my case he is digging holes he can not get out of anymore and I have kept records of everything, she is 3 1/2 now and he is not able to see her by order of the courts (which she is better off anyway bcuz he has completely fallen off the deep end mentally) DOCUMENT EVERYTHING having to do with him, his new wife and your child if you have proof they will take your side but if you just do not let him see her just bcuz of who he is with then they will just think you are being bitter and rule in his favor. They will tell you that he has every right to take his child around who he wants to and you have to trust his judgement just like he has to trust yours with the people you are around. Sorry I dont mean to take his side or tell you what you dont want to hear but I've been there (still am) and I'm trying to let you know what the courts will say. Good luck with everything

First of all congradulations on the three beautiful children, and on seperating from this guy. Now on the child issue, are their any papers filed through the FOC? Sounds to me you could use documents to back up your story. In other words you can only restrict visitation if it is on paper through the court. It's not your week-end, & you & your family have plans. The issue of payments, careing for the child while he has her and so forth can be addressed the the FOC. I personally would encorage visitation, children need there father, and as for the new wife, try and develop a friendly relationship with her, she will be around your child, if you do not know her get to know at least a little about her. He did pick you first, so he has good taste in woman. If you continue to put him down, restrict visits and arguee in frount of the children, this will cause problems, your daughter is 50% of her father, and putting him down is a direct reflection of putting her down as well. So suck it up, be the better person, stop being so controling and let him see his child.

you are not wrong with this...with my sons i had to finally tell their father that if he cant call consistently then don't bother. they were better off without contact than the constant breaking of promises to call or come see them.

I do not think you are wrong for the way you feel. I believe technically you can keep him away from your child because he is not helping to support her. I personally would go to court and get a visitation arrangement and child support agreement in place. This way there is a legal trail. I agree with a previous poster when she stated to now take money from him but make him go through the court. I do think that there is no recourse for him for visitation if he does not pay the child support through the court.

Now with all of that said you need to make sure that the Friend of the court or whom ever you go through for this agreement understands your concerns about not knowing this person and ask for a specified time for there to be no overnight visitation to allow you time to get to know this new wife. You want to ensure that this women will treat your child properly and fairly especially since she has a child of her own. Only after that time the issue of overnight visitation can be re-examined. I do not believe that he has to have overnight visitation. I believe that as long as you two can agree you can make the custody agreement whatever you want to. If you don't agree then the friend of the court decides and I strongly encourage you to find an agreement. I have seen some of their arrangements and I feel they are wrong. You want to make sure you have full custody unless you want to share custody. If you share custody then you need to ensure that you are the custodial parent in the agreement. Always make sure that you keep track of everything. Every call and visit. If you show that he is only interested in his child when it is convenient for him that will bode well in your favor. You should also add that if he is not going to be home to spend time with your child then you should have first choice to keep your child before he can leave her with his new wife of whom you do not know. Again you can say that issue can be revisited later.

I would not feel comfortable allowing my children be around someone I don't know.

Good Luck