My 20 Month Old

How her grandparents parent shouldn't interfere with how you parent at least when grandparents aren't around. I have found that if I sit down with my child and give a hug and explain why her behavior is inappropriate and then put her in the corner she is a bit calmer. Initially she continued to scream, yell, kick and throw things but it does get better with time if you're consistent. This morning she just sat there and waited for the timer to go off then went to her "brother" and hugged him and told him she was sorry for hitting him. I think it helps if she sees other children disciplined in the same manner so if you have friends with children the same age...

The sleeping will be much more difficult for you and grandparents. Grandparents are going to have a difficult time to change the pattern now - after all, what child would not prefer to sleep with someone. BUT they can change the habit. What I did was put a chair in the room and read a book while the children were in bed (I let them have a book or a toy and told them they had to lay down with the book or toy) and I stayed until they fell asleep. (The 3 yr old boy spends weekends with dad who likes to sleep with him and has different ways of handling discipline) (I found with the discipline I have problems when dad comes to my house - then tantrums... so I have to be firm with boy and dad -- my house my way.)

I have a 29 yr old son, 4 stepchildren, 9 step grandchildren and now I am raising 3 foster children ages 3, 3, and 8. (the 8 year old has downs)

I hope this helps. Don't worry it gets better as they grow!

Hi R.,

I'm sorry you're going through this. Grandparents are a real blessing, but they can also make parenting more difficult. My mom spoils my boys, too, but when I discuss with her things that are causing behavior issues, she listens. It's sad that your daughter's grandparents don't give you that respect as a parent, and it is a matter of respect. If I were faced with this situation, I would do a couple of things:

1. Lay down the law with the grandparents. If they want to have alone time with your daughter, they need to respect your rules as a parent. Otherwise, the visits alone have to end.

2. With regards to your daughter's behavior with you, she is old enough to understand that mom's rules are to be obeyed. I don't believe in spanking - I believe it brings out more aggressive behavior in children. Have you considered designating a "time-out" spot or a "naughty" spot when she acts this way? When implemented properly and consistently it will work. Whenever your child breaks a rule, you give her one warning. The behavior stops or she goes to the naughty spot. If she does it again, you put her in the naughty spot & tell her why she is there. Even if she is screaming her head off, you do this. She may not seem to hear you, but believe me, she does. At first, she may try to "bolt" from her assigned spot, which is where the diligence has to come from you. Each time she gets up, you put her back on the spot. She is almost two years old, so each naughty spot visit should be 1 1/2 - 2 minutes. The clock doesn't start until she stays in her spot. It is exhausting at first, especially if you have a willful child, but if you are consistent and stay calm, you will find that she will learn to follow your rules.

Parenting is such a challenge, but our kids are worth every minute. Whenever my older son misbehaves, and has to take a time out, I tell him that I love him too much to allow him to behave that way. It is my job as his mom to teach him right from wrong so that he grows up to be a man with good morals and ethics.

Hang in there, R.! Some day, when your daughter becomes a mom, she will appreciate your efforts. :)

Jen

I am a 55 year mother of adult daughter and grandmother of 6! First of all, you really can't control what your parents or in-laws do (which is proven by their reaction to you already sitting down with them). So don't keep banging your head against that brickwall... unless you just want to not have her over there until she behaves for you and has the habit of behaving. That will be a tricky call, so weigh your daughter's and your families needs to your ongoing relationship with the grandparents. Generally speaking I would put your daughter and your families needs first--yet, in life the ideal is not always lived so we have to go with what we are dealt.

Saying that, I encourage you to continue to not let her behavior rule your household... put her in her room and close door, calmly telling her that she is welcome to have her tantrum but she'll need to do it in her room, because nobody else wants to hear it or see it. When she is finished she may come out and rejoin the family. Also, don't clean up her mess! Help her to clean it up when she's calmed down again and give her kudos for the great job of cleaning up. That is also the opportunity to remind her that throwing fits makes alot of work for her later--is it worth it to her? She's 20 months but repeating this message does get through. They do understand a lot more than they let on.

Also check to see if her screaming is because she's frustrated because she might not be able to communicate her needs or wants. Depending on how far she has progressed into the screaming mode, you can tell her firmly to look you in the face, take a deep breath and ask her what she wants. Help her to use her words, telling her that you don't understand screaming but want to know what she wants so that you can help her. Sometimes you may just have to say "I think you need a hug." and put her in your arms and lap, holding her firmly and saying softly, "Breathe... I've got you and I love you. Relax, breath... shhhh" My oldest daughter (38 years old with a 6 year old daughter and 3 year old son) uses these techniques with both of her children as they both have a tendency to go into the screaming/tantrum mode and have since birth, especially her daughter.

Now if not keeping her from the grandparents while you retrain her behavior is not possible, well you'll just have to work that much harder at home. (My daughter is one who has in-laws that stopping the kids from seeing them for something like this would cause tons more misery than the added extra effort of helping the child learn appropriate behavior) Eventually she will get it. Her grandparents may allow the behavior but not at mom's house! And the more she doesn't get away with it at home, the less she'll try it at the grandparents. ESPECIALLY, if you go overboard with giving her lots of positive strokes with hugs, kisses, words of thank you, good job, I really like it when you are nice, makes my heart and my face smile, every time you catch her behaving nicely! So catch her a lot doing and behaving like you want her to behave! Save certain games or toys for rewards to do when she talks nicely, has manners, etc.

I think you get the picture!

Hello
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Ezzy

Wow, sounds like a job for Dr. Phil!

Of course the grandparents are going to do that, that's what they do! Parents are for guidence and discipline and Grandparents are for hugs, kisses,cuddling,cookies, and for spoiling your kids rotten!! I think it's great that they want to lay down with your daughter for naps. My grandma used to (and still does) let us do whatever we wanted at her house. All of us grandkids still go to her if we need some extra love and advice and I always know my grandma is my soft place to fall. Yeah, it might be harder for you after she has been at her grandparents house, but just be thankful that she still has grandparents and that they are involved in her life.

Not sure how much use this will be, but routine is very important to a child. You should try to stress to the grandparents as much as possible that they need to stick to the routine as much as she does. As for the screaming, have you tried teaching her baby sign language? That way she can communicate what she wants without all the screaming and throwing. It may or may not work, but we taught our son baby signs at an early age, and he was never one to scream or throw stuff. He is three years old now and I am expecting my second son next month! Hope this helps! Good luck!

Your daughter is showing you how she feels by the way she's behaving. Of course, she should not get something she wants that isn't good for her; it's your job to keep her safe. On the other hand, some things are reasonable and comforting, like having a caring person nearby as she goes to sleep. A 20 month old is still a baby, and is learning to distinguish wants from needs, with your help. The process of going to sleep ideally should be a comforting and happy time; being forced to "scream all day" alone until you wear yourself out is cruel and unusual (unfortunately not that unusual in our culture) punishment. . . It sounds as though the grandparents care a lot for your daughter and her feelings, and may have some trouble with limit-setting. It helps to remember they have your daughter's best interests at heart, as do you.

Her grandparents will probably continue to do this even if you have talked with them and when she's older and doesn't listen to them, they will fault you before they take the blame (sarcasm perhaps, but probable). If her behavior is allowed in their home, what can you do except take her away from them, which we both know, you have no intention of doing. Best piece of advice I can give you on this one, is that in your home, her tantrum will not be tolerated and she's not to young to learn that her behavior has consequences, in fact because you have to deal with her grandparents (whom, I have no doubt, loves your angel) you are going to need to set boundaries. We all want to instill values and characteristics in our children that will eventually benefit them as young adults and hopefully one day we can feel that we've done our absolute best when we send them out into the world. You have to start young and realize that her life will be filled with temptations, it is your duty to yourself, that in your home, she minds you and behaves in a manner you consider acceptable. You can be very firm and have high expectations of your children, especially when they are young and impressionable, do not let their innocence and youth get the best of you, they are absorbing, learning and figuring things out more so now than they ever will, and with that insight, do what you must as a mother to ensure she is raised well.....GOOD LUCK!

Hi: You have already made the request of your parents. The next step is to explain that the baby won't be visiting without you because they would not honor your request.

M.

Hi R.. I am have a 5 year old son and a 2 year old daughter and I too have a similar problem. Their grandparents seem to forget that they were parents once because everything I say no to, they say yes. I don't let my kids stay with them very often, especially sleep over because when they come home, they are being so bratty because they got whatever they wanted there. For as long as I can remember, they have always let them get away with everything. I think the reason your little girl is screaming whenever you don't let her do something is because she gets to do whatever she wants there. Even when it's nap time, they don't nap over there. I keep trying to tell them to put their foot down, but no success and it's hard because I hardly take them. Good luck!

Hi R.,
This will be short & sweet...To Train up a Child by Michael and Debi Pearl. EXCELLENT book on discipline issues from birth.

R.-
This may sound strange but when my daughter was hitting her terrible two's she also screamed all day until I shocked her by yelling "Hit the deck!" and flattening myself to the floor with my hands over my head. She stopped screaming immediately and very slowly walked over to me and started laughing. I only had to do it a few times before everyone in the house was doing it anytime she would scream. After a couple months she figured out that she was still not going to get what she was screaming for.
As for the throwing toys and other objects around the house, she needs to pick them up and place them in a cupboard or drawer for a few hours so she starts to understand the drawbacks of throwing them in the first place. Cause and effect is something that they are just beginning to grasp at this age, so knowing that she can not play with something after she has thrown it will have make a big difference.
I also had the same problem with the Grandparents laying down with my daughter to get her to sleep. What helped was a very soft cuddly stuffed giraffe that my Father gave her. He told her that she need to keep the giraffe warm while he sat at the end of the bed and polished his boots. It took a while but she got to the point where she would ask for the giraffe anytime she was getting tired.

Hang in there
H. Stanley

You need to find a way to put your foot down. They are undermining everything you are trying to teach your child. If they can't respect your rules as a parent, the visits are just going to have to slack off. Thats what I would do. I understand that to a certain extent grandparents think they should be allowed to "spoil" the grandkids, but not to THAT extent. You need to talk with them, and let them know what they are doing to your beautiful child. If they can't respect your wishes on parenting, I say take him less often. I have gone through this a bit with my husbands grand mother and mother. Once we showed them a united front, being myself AND my husband feeling this way, they stopped quite a bit. They still do a little, and I am ok with that, it's their personality and you can't change it completely, but when it gets on my nerves, I just don't go visit for a while (being like a week or so, sometimes 2)and they get the message.
Definitely try talking to them, together with your husband and explain what their behavior is doing to your family and see what happens. Good luck.

Hi R...

For the screaming my daughter is 3 1/2 and used to do it all day long...she got sent to her room...which she didn't like...after a few times....the screaming stopped. Sometimes now she does it just to get attention and I ask her do you want to go to your room...and she'll say ok...and go off to her room for a few minutes..it's become kinda funny but it did stop the problem. Whatever it is that you choose to do be consistant...if you allow this..then she knows all she has to do to get what she wants is scream....

D.