Help! My 10 year old son has been lying to my husband (stepdad) even over silly, little things. They had a heart-to-heart recently, where my husband told him that lying is the WORST thing anyone can do to him...and when he lies to him, he feels like he doesn't care about him or his feelings at all.
My son, with tears in his eyes, told my husband that he understands, and he will not do it again. He said that he loves him and doesn't want him to think he doesn't care..However, ..Within a week...yep...Another lie! This time it was about homework. He said he was done when he clearly was not. My hisband feels completely disrespected and disregarded as an authority figure.
My son has been grounded for a week at a time. One of the weeks he was grounded, we had him write a paragraph every day about how lying effects people. We have had several "talks" with him, trying to make him understand that he must think of other people's feelings, and not just what he wants at that time. He just doesn't think about it until it's too late and he's caught in a lie........PLEASE HELP!!
I guess I'd look a the "why's" behind it. Does he lie to you? others? Maybe he's afraid to disappoint??? Try to talk to him about why he lies (if you haven't) and get at the cause... only he knows. Good luck.
The way you write this question, it sounds like your focus is on how the lie makes his step-dad feel. I suggest focusing, also, on how your son feels and why he feels the need to lie.
My granddaughter, who is also 10, is just now learning to not lie. Her lies started when her mom came down h*** o* her whenever she'd done something wrong. Over the years, her mom, and now her step-dad are better able to accept her imperfections and see them as mistakes. Earlier, they reacted as if she'd purposely misbehaved. Keep in mind that children are children and learning how to live in their world. They need to be taught and not punished.
I suggest that instead of becoming upset and providing discipline when he does something wrong that you accept that he made a mistake and not punish for doing something wrong. Instead allow for natural consequences. Say, for example, you didn't finish your homework and so now you'll need to sit down and finish it now. Be calm, non-accusatory, and matter of fact. No emotion. And......ignore the lie.
Sometimes or often, we set our kids up for a lie. If you know he hadn't finished his homework then don't ask him if he's finished. Instead, tell him, I see you haven't finished your homework, in a neutral voice. Then have him sit down and finish it. No punishment. Just get the job done.
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/13506442/ns/today-parenting/
http://childparenting.about.com/cs/behaviorproblems/a/lyi...
Your Husband needs to realize, that this is not 'personal' against him. So to take it that way, is not going to help your son.
Your Husband, Should try and work on, creating a "Relationship" with him. WITH him. Not a relationship that is based on your Son pleasing him and then your son getting punished and your son not being able to be 'perfect' enough.
This kind of 'rapport' with a Parent, is NOT useful nor productive nor helpful, for any child.
Having a real relationship... with your child, is very important.
Because, once he becomes a Teen, IF he does not have a real "relationship" with his son, your son, will have more issues.
Your son is a "Tween" now. Tweens are from 9-12 years old.
Do a Google Search on 'Tween Development' so that... your Husband will learn, about child development, and about your son's development, mentally and emotionally.
That is, more important.
The human brain, is not even fully developed until 26 years old.
Your Husband, by acting this way and demanding things from your son, is not being "Fatherly." It is just a rapport based on getting what he wants... not having awareness of your son. A child.
Your Husband needs to realize... it is HIM. It is Him, that will determine, how his Step-Son... matures and IF or how your Son 'trusts' him and if your Son feels he can go to him for any reason/problems/talking/sharing his dreams/his ideas/his concerns/his feelings.
A boy, NEEDS to be able, to express, his feelings.
Not it being controlled by fear.
A parent, needs to be a soft place to fall, for a child.
Your son, probably feels, he CANNOT ever be 'perfect' enough, for his Step-Dad.
Because they do not have a relationship. They only have a 1-way directional relationship. Your son, cannot be himself, with his Step-Dad.
Honestly, I feel real sorry for your son.
His Step-Dad, is not nurturing a relationship with him. Just a relationship based on unawareness of a child and 'Dad" demanding rigid expectations of him, but without knowing him. Truly. Nor allowing him to be, himself.
A child, this age, with a Step-Dad, will only want to 'please' him. To get acceptance. If your son never gets acceptance from his Step-Dad, your son will always be unfulfilled. Your son, any child, NEEDS TO FEEL.... accepted no matter what, even if they are naughty or perfect. That they are believed in, and accepted.
I have always told my kids, even if they are naughty, Mommy LOVES them... no matter what. And I do not expect them to be just like me. But we are a "Team."
I have told my kids, they do not have to 'lie' to me. Because, they should not be afraid of telling me what is on their mind. For whatever reason.
If they are Honest with me... I will not scold them. "We' will try and work it out. Together.
I am SURE, your son knows, his Step-Dad is an "Authority" figure. But that is not the way nor the problem.
Your son wants a Dad.
Not a Drill Sergeant.
An "Authority" Figure is not the same as being "Authoritative."
all the best,
Susan
Kids lie. People lie. That doesn't mean that it's okay, but it doesn't mean that your son doesn't respect your husband, or that the messages that you've been sending haven't gotten through. It just means that, in that moment, your son didn't want to do his homework and it was more expedient to lie about it than to tell the truth and have to do it.
Honestly, the punishment seems a little harsh to me. Try smaller more immediate punishments. He lied about the homework; what if he had to do the homework as soon as the lie was discovered and then had to do an additional worksheet immediately after? Then he can start to realize that lying isn't the "easier" option because if he had told the truth he would have just been done with the homework much faster.
But do talk to your husband about this too. Your son is going to lie to you, to him, to others. He needs to learn that it is unacceptable and there are negative consequences for lying, and you need to learn that when he lies it isn't a reflection of how he feels about you. 10 year olds simply do not have the frontal lobe functioning to make the right choice every time.
Good luck.
It seems to me that most often, a lie by anyone is a way to avoid some consequence that one is afraid of. Is your son worried that dad might not be ok with him being less than perfect? (I do NOT mean to imply a problem with dad, by the way, just that son is somehow nervous about being wrong).
My best way of teaching my own kids to tell the truth has been to let them know that:
1) The consequence of lying and getting found out is distrust.
2) More than anything, they want me to trust them, because that will determine what I say "yes" to as they continue to grow and want to do things that might be dangerous for them if they can't be trusted.
3) They would never want me to lie to them. And they would have difficulty respecting me if I did.
4) I will ALWAYS be more lenient with a truth--even if it is a painful one or they are admitting they did something they shouldn't have--than if I find out they lied to me.
For the most part, I think it has worked. I have no reason to believe they are liars--and on the few occasions when one has tried a small "fib" it's been so obvious that a) I'm sure it is not habitual or it would be MUCH more sophisticated and b) I've been able to call them on it and we've talked about it.
Good luck!
I agree with the others and I don't think it's about him disrespecting your husband, just something that he didn't want to do, or even doesn't know how. I remember when I lied as a child it wasn't because I was trying to spite my parents, but just to cover my butt.
I also second the idea of your husband and son bonding. Like for realsies. Go camping, batting cages, whatever the both of them like to do, or have your husband do something that he doesn't like doing, but your son does. Nothing shows love more than being selfless.
I would start with trying to figure out WHY he feels the need to lie in any given situation - and then make sure he understands he will be in worse trouble for the lying itself than he ever would be for whatever it was he was originally lying about. Sometimes when kids feel they need to be perfect, they lie to try to cover up their mistakes, so as not to disappoint you. If this is the case, he needs to understand he doesn't need to lie - that lying will only disappoint you further, because he apparently does not trust you guys to love him unconditionally, and that he needs to ask for help and know it's okay to need help. I would also make sure he understands that all his lying means that you won't be able to trust him and won't be able to believe a word he says. As a result, he won't be able to do things with friends, unsupervised, because you won't be able to trust him. If all that grounding isn't getting through to him, then it's time to think of a different consequence. But I would make sure he understands he doesn't have to lie in the first place.
My four year old has this tendency & I've tried everything to get him to understand how wrong it is, but couldn't get thru. I then turned it around on him. I would say he would be able to do this or that, but never follow thru. I would say he could have a soda for lunch, but then give him juice. Then when he questioned it I would lie and say, no i didn't say that. He got it and he didn't like it one bit. He found over the 3-4 days, that he couldn't trust me and what i said and that it was awful not knowing if what i said was truth or lie!! He found how frustrating it is and learned how important it is to be able to trust those we love. He isn't 100 percent cured, but it is more a rarity now instead of several times a day. It is very hard to play this role too btw and I didn't care for it at all. Best of luck
First of all your husband needs to not act like a baby.
You guys are in the process of teaching a 10 year old how to be socially acceptable.
Make sure you arent setting him up to lie.
Let him know what the punishment will be when he does lie.
Follow through with the punishment.
Lie to him a couple of times so he can see how it feels to be on the other end.
Noticing it and catching it now at this age is a good time, you'll be able to pull him out of what could turn into a bad habit.
Let him know that no lie is ever better than the truth.
If he's only lying about homework, that's pretty normal behavior for the most part. I think we've all been there done that on occasion. But it's definitely a good one to use consequences for. Lose a privilege when caught in a lie and definitely make him look you in the eye when he's telling you why he lied in the first place. Liars don't like to make eye contact, dont let him get that way.
Good luck.
There is a wonderful lady at the Dianetics center on Belcher - between Drew and Gulf to bay. See her about a short course on ethics that your son can do, perferable with you, so you will have the tools to to help him dig out of this hole he is digging for himself.
We have used these tools, and it has made a huge difference for our girls.
Best, k
Most kids lie. Perod. It's part of growing up. They are learning how to deal with rules, authority, and let's face it..... how to avoid getting into trouble for making bad choices. Keep reminding your child what the consequenses are for lying, and when he DOES tell the truth, enev if he has done something wrong, PRAISE him for being honest. You can still be dissapointed and upset by the behavior, but you need to make it clear that the punishment is far less since he was HONEST. I ALWAYS make the consequences far worse for not being honest than for whatever infraction that my child may have done. They are now getting that as long as I am honest with Mom, she can help me to figure out what I should have done, and what a better choice would have been. Usually there has been a natural consequence for the behavior "problem" anyway, and all I am doing is reinforcing the fact that they should have made a different choice. I am all about praising the honesty. It will pass. I have 4 kids, and they are very far apart in ages. My older 2 are 20 and 17, and tell me EVERYTHINg. (probably more than I really want to know) The good news is that they have both come to me and have been very honest when they have screwed up and made mistakes and needed my help, and we worked together to fix the problems. They learned from it. They younger 2 who are 8 and almost 10 are still working on this skill, but while they watch their siblings....... they are seeing it is possible to trust mom enough to be honest. That's really what it boils down to in my opinion, trust. We all have to trust each other. Good luck!
FYI Dianetics Center = Scientology Center
If he is lying about homework, I would wonder whether he needs help with the homework. Maybe some parts of school are too challenging for him? Find out why he lied about the homework.
I have been there. It's a struggle. I know that people tell you to ask why they are lying, my dtr didn't know, my husband and I had to try to figure it out. For her it was a combination of being afraid of our reaction to something (a bad grade, messy room ,etc) and laziness. It took us a year to figure this out, during that time she had privleges such as Wii, ds and TV removed and had to earn them back with no lying, doing chores and improving grades. It took about 6 months but she earned it all back. Once we figured out why she would lie it was easier to cope with. Now we make sure that when she does honestly tell us her room is messy and she has a bad grade there are no negative reactions. For the room we just give a deadline when it has to be clean by and what the consquence if it wasn't and followed through but with no emotion attached to it. Same pretty much for gardes, no emotion attached, we just ask, why do you think that happened and how can we prevent this in the future, and give ideas like asking us for help, asking teacher, etc. But if she lies there are much worse consequences for lying, it makes telling the truth even when it is difficult easier. BTW, this is my step dtr really, but she has lived with me since she was 4 and is now 12.
Good luck, it's not a fun stage or a quick fix, but with diligence, patience it can get better. With my dtr the less lectures the better, she doesn't do well with them. It's hard to remove the emotion it evokes in you, but if you can, it is easier to address the problem.
