March 01, 2008,
A.R. asks from Park City, UT on February 27, 2008
My 3 Year Old Lies
I have a three year old, almost four, and she tells lies all the time, I'm having a hard time explaining exactly what a lie is and why not to do it. She will do things like push her sister and when I ask her why she lies and says she didn't do it, even though I just saw her do it. So any suggestions on how to teach her not to? I am at a total loss
M.W. answers from Boise on February 28, 2008
M.S. answers from Denver on February 28, 2008
You may want to try looking for some books at the library. My son has one of the Beranstein Bears books "The Truth". This has relped him understand what lying is. He still does it occasionally and he gets a timeout for it.
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T.W. answers from Salt Lake City on February 28, 2008
This problem was on Supernanny last night. It's great that you want your young child to understand, and it's better that she learn now before it gets out of hand.
She is old enough that you can say something like,
"Saying something that is not true is telling a lie. That means if I say my shirt is red and it is really blue, that is a lie. If I say I didn't touch someone but I really did touch them, then that is a lie. When you say that you didn't push your sister, but you really did, then that is a lie. When you tell a lie, you will have to sit on the naughty stair for extra time."
If you have a belief in God or Christ in your home, you can further reinforce that there are some behaviors that make Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ feel happy and some behaviors that make them feel sad about our choices. Telling a lie is something that makes them feel sad because God and Jesus teach us through scripture that truth is important.
After that, you are the one who enforces time out or your form of discipline. You can trust your instinct when you don't see what happens. Good luck!
J.O. answers from Boise on February 27, 2008
A three year old really doesn't know what a lie is, at least not like adults do. Self preservation thats different, she knows that the action was bad, hence the "lie". With mine I just say "I saw you push your sister, and you knew it was bad, but when you said you didn't do it, you told me a lie, and a lie is not the truth so lets try to not lie or you will get in trouble for the lie and for pushing sister" this is repetitive and I stae it slowly so the can absorb the information, but once I am sure they understand what a lie is they get a consequence for it plus whatever they did that was wrong. It doesn't happen overnight and come gradually to them, just take a breath and know that she isn't intentionaly trying to lie, and as lots of parents say.....this to shall pass!
J.N. answers from Salt Lake City on February 28, 2008
In general, 3 year olds are not equiped with the capacity to understand truth versus lying and especially WHY lying is wrong. So the first thing is to be patient.
But, don't give up and accept her lies. Gently explain that what she is telling you is not what really happened and that you her to tell you what really happened (she may still not be able to because she is still figuring out fact vs fantasy). Let her know what you saw, and deliver appropriate consequences for misbehavior. But at this point I really don't think that there would be any benefit to punishing the lying itself - if she can't understand that it's wrong (other than you said so) she won't understand why she's being punished. In the next few years she will begin to understand it more. Continue to have discussions about telling the truth (and not always just when you catch her lying) and when she is ready you will probably see the light go on.
Finally, set a good example. NEVER lie around her or to her, because what you do is much more powerful than what you do.
N.W. answers from Salt Lake City on February 28, 2008
When my daughter went through this stage, my husband got really upset. He made it clear that lying was way worse than anything else. He talked to her about trust. It's important to be able to trust your family. he told her that being able to trust her was more important than anything else. She knew it made mom and dad very sad when she lied.
my daughter's punishment for lying was always worse than her punishment for the thing she'd lied about.
Additionally, we didn't ask her questions that made her feel like she had to lie. like - "did you do it?" when you already know the answer. There's no good answer to "why did you do that?" instead we'd say 'awww. that made your sister sad - go tell her you're sorry and give her a hug'. If she did lie, I'd either say "did you mean to say something else?" or remind her that we don't tell lies and ask if she wants to try again.
she was pretty young, and it took patience, but the lesson was worth it in the end.
N.J. answers from Salt Lake City on February 27, 2008
Along with the advice the others have provided, I would look at the cause of the action. Why is she pushing her sister? Try to eliminate cause of action. Is she seeking your attention? You said you work full time, maybe she finds this is the best way to get your attention quickly when you get home. Look at what precedes the incident...then you can help her understand a better way of dealing with her emotions.
M.M. answers from Great Falls on March 01, 2008
A., dear, one thing is certain: a three years old brain is totally incapable of answering the question: WHY. this is beyond their capabilities at this age. I would not ask any questions, but affirm what I saw: "Honey, you pushed your sister and she hurts!!!! Are you happy when you get hurt?" She will probably say no. Then suggest her not to hurt others. Keep the conversation very simple, and loving. Always show her how much you love her! She might do it out of jealousy also, as you take more care about the little one as she needs to be picked up, held on the lap and so on. Then, the elder one feels abandoned. You have enough space for two of them on your lap, make sure when the elder is in the room and you need to take care of the little one, that the elder girl feels as happy and being cared for also. To do that, there is one 'trick': I made my elder son feel very important by telling him that I absolutely need his help to raise a good friend for him (his younger brother, 2 years younger), and I asked the elder son to help feeding him, folding his clothes, walk quietly when the little one was asleep, hug him a lot and so on, you know little tiny things that she (4 yrs. old) can do and feel important, responsible,happy with you. This takes a lot of feeling left out and abandoned away. Then, you praise her for what she helped you with, invite her into being your friend and little helper, not just another big girl who is not so little to need so much attention as the smaller one does... you know what I mean...? there are tons of things along the road that you can incorporate into this main formula and approach. Maybe, she will quit pushing the little one, and feel much happier, not needing to do things that are nice, to just get your attention! Good luck, A., and be happy, all!
J.S. answers from Salt Lake City on February 28, 2008
My son used to be a chronic liar for no apparent reason that I know of. We would always discipline him for it no matter what, however, it seemed like nothing worked. Then we took all of his Spiderman stuff (which was dear to him) away and finally saw some success. We prayed so hard about it not wanting him to grow up to be a liar. Bottom line...I think consistency is key-ALWAYS a consequence for lying and finding the button. Everyone has a button-whether it's Spiderman stuff, sitting on their beds, spankings, whatever... We as parents just have to find out what is dear to our little ones' hearts. I know if you keep looking and being consistent you'll find out her button!
M.D. answers from Denver on February 28, 2008
Turns out that telling lies is a natural developmental stage.
Think about it, if we went through our lives telling the ABSOLUTE truth in every circumstance, we'd be pretty odd and might not have very many friends. We tell little fibs about how we really and what we really think so as not to hurt other people's feelings. That's a normal part of our culture.
Your 3 yr old is learning to navigate through the mine field of cultural lying and our obsession with "honesty" (even though none of us really are completely honest). It's pretty confusing for a little brain.