9 Year Old Daughter Won't Stop LYING.... Help!!!

For starters, it sounds like she is going through what Rudolph Steiner calls the "9 year change" which is similar to the change she'll go through at 12 or 13. So just note part of this is developmental and relatively normal. She finds some power in lying otherwise she wouldn't keep doing it.

Second, I would talk with her other mom and as a family create a plan that will be consistent. There are wonderful co-parenting counselors that can help if need be. Your daughter needs to know that you are united. This will create a high level of security for her which she needs right now as she is going through these changes internally.

Last, I will share how we've handled lying in our house. We talk about the health of our relationships being based on trust and every time someone lies they break trust. My eldest in particular has heard this talk a number of times, but now at the age of 12 she is honest most of the time (all kids lie occasionally.) We also give consequences as is appropriate and remind them that we need to be able trust them in order to give them freedom as is appropriate for their age. Our girls only lie to attempt to escape getting in trouble when they've made a mistake and I remind them that because they lied they have more consequences than if they had just told the truth about what they did. They are finally learning that often I will just allow the natural consequences of their actions to occur rather than create more if they will only be honest and they will even get kudos for showing courage and being honest.

Good Luck!

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Hi K.,

When kids lie it can be an outlet for some emotional need that they feel that isn't being met. They sometimes just don't know how to talk to you about what is really going on.
It sounds like maybe your step daughter may be acting up a bit because of the new babys arrival. My daughter did the same thing when our son was born. The closer the due date the more the "stories" came and when the baby finally came it got really bad for a while. Does she do this at her mothers house as well? I know how hard it can sometimes be with ex spouses but have you or your husband talked with her mother about your concerns? Maybe she would be willing to reinforce at her house as well. (one can only hope anyway)
We just kept reinforcing the fact that telling lies or making up stories is not ok. We also read the book Peter and the Wolf to her and talked about the fall out of telling lies. We also tried to include our daughter more in the daily tasks with the baby so she didn't feel so left out. It gave us more bonding time and she started to feel more confident with her self and in her role a big sister. Eventually the lie telling stopped, but it took a while.
Maybe spending a bit more one on one time with just you and your husband may work.
It can be very frustrating for everyone but keep consistant and hopefully it will work for you as well. Sounds like you and your husband are on the right track.
Good luck.

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When adult imposed power based discipline is used children respond with resistance, not doing what adults want, rebellion, doing the opposite of what adults want or lying. Discipline comes from the word "disciple" to teach. Disciplining your dauhter is about teaching not serving as an authority figure. In what situations is she withholding the truth? Parent with mutual respect, concern and curiosity. Does she know you care for her and are on her side or is the relationship primarily based in control and authority? Listen more and help to know you care about her success. I would rather my kids be honest with me even when they make mistakes and blow it then feel like they have to lie to protect themselves from me and my authority. Raising my children to be self disciplined is my priority and that involves making alot or their own mistakes. Kids are smart enough to handle differences in consistency and structure between households. I believe it is about connection not perfection. You may call it a "play pal" but I firmly believe maintaining a relationship with my children is far more important then exercising my authority and imposing control issues or power struggles. Meet on a regular basis during nonconflict times and discuss in family meetings the needs and desires of everyone in the household. Make agreements for desired behaviors without adult imposed solutions and power based discipline. Discuss how telling the truth is valued and important to you and your husband even if the truth isn't what you want to hear. Are you being honest with her? Model the behavior you would like to achieve. I beleive mutual respect is the key.

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I asked my 84 year old mother and her advice was to ignore her lies and not to make a big issue about them.She is the one who now has to prove to you that she is worthy of your trust. By not beliving her because of her track record she will have no power and will wish to gain your approval again. " Sorry honey I just don't think I can belive you" will make her realize that she is going to have to be truthful if you are to ever belive her again. I hope that this might help, N. and Polly

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I haven't read the responses, but i wanted to give you a heads up on a devlopmental stage called the 9 year change. i'm not well versed on the topic, but perhaps you could google it, it talks about stuff like this happening at this age.

also, certian research says it takes as many years as the child is old for them to get used to a step parent..ie, if she was 4 when you came into the picture, she'll be 8 before she is accepting of your influence... that may be irrelevant, but i really want step parents to realize how hard it is to be a step kid...

all i can suggest as a long time step kid, is keep the love and acceptance level high. offer an outlet, like story telling... try to meet this with compassion, not frustration...

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It sounds to me, and I am guessing, that making her feel more secure could help. When my daughter lies, and I suspect it is not the truth that she is telling me, i have made her feel secure by saying;
- no matter what, i would like the truth more than anything. Even if the truth might be a hard one for me to hear, I will be proud of you for having told me the truth and you will not get any consequences for that.

I have made it a point to not give consequences when my daughter has told me a truth that is not great in my ears. I have told her then that I am sorry to hear about that, however the pride i feel in my heart for you having come and told me outweighs all that, and I will give her a reward just for the telling the truth sometimes. Usually our rewards will be some kind of outing or me taking her for an ice cream or something like that, perhaps something she is waiting for to get. But it doesn't have to always be a reward, for just the bonding you will get, and she will feel too, is the real reward.

It could help her also to be told of all the things she is doing right. point it out even if it is only half right; like she spills something you might want to say " oh that was lucky, it only went on the table"....
You might want to say more things like " oh well, it could have been worse", "at least it was just one day this week, all the others you have been doing so great" or " never mind", or "I guess we just have to start all over again", and "who cares?".
Being a bit more matter a fact can help if a child has the feeling she is not secure to tell you what is really going on, is what i have seen. My daughter can be really oppositional and make a big deal out of things if I make a big deal out of them. If i tell her "put your jacket on" it might not work, and turn into an argument even. However, I have ntoiced that if i say " hmm, it looks cold out there, so a jacket might be a good idea.... it's just a suggestion..."
she might be fine taking it, or i just bring it with me and she then takes it when outside. This has nothing to do with lying, but more about the child perhaps being a bit oppositional to what you are asking her to do.

i can understand it can be hard if a mother is doing something else, and she is over at her place a lot, but sooner or later I think she will find that you being very accepting to her ways, no matter how hard the truth, she might open up to more true talking. Hopefully you get some other good ideas, and good luck
A.

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I think I would simply stop letting her go ANYWHERE, including/especially out to play. I wouldn't say anything to her or give her a "heads-up" but I would just start not letting her go and when she asks why or says you're unfair or whatever she'll say, then say very matter of factly that it is unfortunate that I no longer have any trust in you. Until I feel I can trust you, you have to stay home. I would not go into any further detail and I would say it very matter of factly and no further discussion. She's old enough to figure it out. I would then stick to that for quite a long time - she's been lying for two years so maybe two months of not going anywhere (including out to play) other than for family outings may get the point across. If not, well, she'll have plenty of time to tell herself lies as she sits in the house for however long it takes!

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From the time frame you have given, it sounds like the lying started around the time of the new sister arriving into the picture. She may feel threatened in some way (the baby is the real daughter and she is only part time or something like that in her mind) so it's a reaction to that I would guess.

Perhaps you could sit with her and really ask her how this has all felt to her and what her perspective is. I wouldn't try to lecture or teach much just open the door for heart to heart discussion of her feelings. Depending on what you get from that, you can ask her how you and/or dad can help her to resolve those feelings. Really focus on how everything must feel from her perspective, acknowledge it and support her by having a de-briefing when she comes home from mom's (let her do the talking). Then plan really special times she has to look forward to with you and with dad and with both that she can see is a reward for not lying but talking things out with you to get her needs met.

Good luck. You have a very difficult but important role! You sound like you'll figure this out with a bit of compassion and time.

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Ditto all the moms who talked about the lying as an attention seeking behavior particularly in light of the competition for your affection since the new baby. There are two things I'd add: whenever she is telling the truth look for opportunities to say "I believe you" - reinforce the positive attention for telling the truth. Secondly, see if you and your husband (together or separately) can find quality alone with your step-daughter to reinforce that she is equally as important as the new baby. In other words, try to shift the family energy away from the negative behavior to the positive behavior she exhibits and as noted in your "a little about me" section that she's a sweet bubbly girl.

Good luck!

P.

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I know you've already received some great advice, but I did notice a small gap. Many mamas have said that if their kids do something wrong and then lie about it there are extra consequences for the lying. We do the same here, but the important factor is that the lying consequence is always the same, regardless of what the original misdeed was. This makes it very clear that the extra was for lying. So I highly recommend sitting down with your hubby and deciding what the lying consequence will be and then both of you sitting down with her and letting her know. 'Everytime you lie you will be grounded for a week.' or whatever you decide. Then the next time she lies about a misdeed, you can set out the consequence for that and then remind her that she will be grounded (or whatever) as well, for lying about it. The other benefit is you can make a real point by skipping the consequence for the misdeed and only giving her the lying consequence to show her that the lying is really the bigger deal. 'Well you really shouldn't have eaten the cookie without asking, but I know they really call to me sometimes too! No biggie, just remember to ask next time, but you are grounded for a week for lying about it.' This technique worked very well for my daughter. She too had been lying more and more frequently for over a year, before it finally hit us (like a brick) that we'd been missing consistency so she'd been missing the point. Breaking the habit of lying is a long road and will take long-term consistency to break. Been there, still doing that! But we have made great strides and lying is now just a very occasional issue (as it seems to be with most kids), so we feel like we're finally in a normal state. I hope this helps you!

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Our daughter who is 8-1/2 has an amazing imagination (almost pathological lying!) and we have found she does it the most when she needs more mommy time. A couple of things that have worked for us. If she tells us a wild tale about school, we call the mother or the teacher with her standing there to verify the story. Before we can get to the last number, she says she was just telling us a story. This stopped the triangulation dead in its tracks. We also give her lots of attention for her imagination with something like, "Wow, you are so creative and have such a great imagination. That was a great story!" We then work with her to create a written story. She loves the positive attention and we are trying to channel it into creative writing. It has made a HUGE difference. I also ask her, when she comes up with a whopper, "Do you want more time with mommy?" She generally says yes. I then tell her it's better to ask mommy if we can spend some special time together than to make up a story. This seems to be helping her to understand why she does it and better ways to communicate it. We've had a sharp decline in "story telling" and a sharp increase in requests to do something special alone with mommy. Hope that gives you some ideas.

S.

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My daughter went through this phase until she was 20 years old! Through it all, the only thing I could consistently do was to punish her for the lies that she told and to make sure she understood that telling the truth was a fundamental household rule. She had to go through some life-changing experiences and private psychotherapy before she finally broke herself of this terrible habit. I recommend that you and your husband sit down with her and explain that she will continue to be punished (time out, grounding) when she lies and that you need her to understand just how difficult life is for people who compulsively lie. Best wishes.

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Dear K.,
I have two children. Well, I used to have 4, when I was married, I had two stepchildren. They were pretty much grown though and didn't live with us. The oldest was an absolute gem and so happy to spend time with us and the other one was a nightmare. He lied, was manipulative, selfish, demanding, played his father and mother against each other. All he cared about was finding a way to get what he wants. He got caught cutting 43 out of 45 days in High School and the dean called my husband about it. The kid, who didn't live with us, told my husband it was all a lie and he was there the whole time, the school just didn't like him, and my husband never questioned it. In fact, he bought him a new truck to make up for how badly he was being treated by everyone. That's just the tip of the ice berg. My marriage didn't last because my husband was also a liar. He still is. 12 years later.
I had always told both of my children that honesty is the most important thing. If you broke something, just tell me. I might be upset, but that's way different than being angry when I find out you lied. And, anger isn't even the right word for it. If you lie once, then no one ever has to believe anything you say, ever again. Knowing that you can be trusted is the most important thing a person can have. It costs nothing, but the value can't even be measured.
My son, who just turned 13, couldn't lie to me to save himself. Oh, he's tried...his own father has told him to lie to me. He gets all fidgety, can't look at me...I know every single time and I bust him on it. "I don't care what your father does, but since when does he have the right to tell you to lie to me in my own house? You are responsible for your OWN integrity. You are not a baby anymore. If someone wants you to lie, that's not okay. Lots of people lie and they get away with it. That's why they keep doing it. But in the end, no one trusts or believes them. That's not something you can easily get back."
That said....my daughter lies all the time. She's 22. I swear, it's like I don't even know her. I saw the post from the other mom who's daughter is the same way. For some reason....better to come up with some well fabricated story than just tell the truth. She wasn't raised like that and the consequences are that no matter what she says to me, I can pretty much assume it'$#!+.
All I can say is that you should maybe go to counselling because of the back and forth between mom and dad. My son has had to deal with it too. In one house, he has to tell the truth and respect laws and rules, in the other one, he's encouraged not to. It messes with a kid's head.
My best friends who've been married and stable for years have a liar on their hands. They know it. They are two of the kindest most giving people I've ever known, but they also just kind of accept that they can't trust him and there are never any consequences. He lies about his homework, he lies about why he got detention, he lies about who broke something and then blames someone else. He sneaks things when there is no reason to sneak it. There is never any punishment.
Your stepdaughter has a lot of stuff going on so as a family, you should try to get to the bottom of it.
I have truly come to believe that people who pathologically lie do so....because they A)Perhaps can't help themselves B) They get away with it and it works for them. They seem to not have that chip in their brain that might keep them awake at night knowing "I totally lied to someone that cares about me and I shouldn't have done that."
She's 9. You have time to try to nip it in the bud.
My daughter never lied to me until her Junior year in high school. And I honestly don't know if she's ever told me the truth about anything since. It makes me sad, but, it's her choice to be that way. You have time to turn it around.

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Hi K.,

I learned years ago that this is very normal for this age to begin lying or "telling stories". The trick is, how to deal with it effectively :o)

As the stepmom, you can create either "the best or worst" situation by being involved with the process of punishing her. And if I could do it all over again, I would've done things a little bit different. You see, my husband DIDN'T want to be involved in any form of discipline, so it "fell" on me (instinctively, anyway). Having him be the disciplinarian, and me being "the friend"~would've made for "healthier" years earlier in our lives, and in-turn would've helped the teenage years ALOT more....Yikes!

My advice to you is be consistent and let her know that you mean business. Raising your voice is fine, however, try to "wait" for Daddy to handle most situations. Always be the "comfort" that she might need in your home. Usually any lying at this age, is only because she is needing some form of love/attention. Try to be there in a loving way for her. Your "bond" with her will begin to grow and stabilize. This is very important to do now, rather than later.

K., my step-daughter is now 22 :o) Her and I have a great relationship now, but it wasn't so great when she was lying at 8 & 9 & 10, &11.......

Anyway, everything will work itself out. Just be patient with her and try to really "listen" to what she needs.

Good Luck,
:o) N.

I have had the same problem with my 10 year old son in the last year. I believe he picked up the habbit at his dad's. My son goes to counceling due to a year long custody battle and we talked about the problem with his councelor as well as making him write sentences when he lied. We also took away privelages and it seems to have worked. He has not lied about his homework or anything else in a while.

Good Luck to you

I don't believe in punishing kids a lot for what are obvious emotional issues, especially at this age. I think taking a low key, matter-of-fact approach, calmly commenting that you know something she says is untrue, but then basically ignoring it, might be the best tactic. As you can see being punitive does not help. This will probably take some time to eradicate, but this girl does not need to be made to feel "bad". Making children feel that they are "bad" is really harmful.

K.,
I would have to say that discipline is a must. Usually when one of our kids does something like this, they get grounded for at least one week, and if they talk back it only allows for more punishment. I do not allow our children to talk back, and they know the look I give them when to stop now, or they will buy themselves more time with punishment. Grounding in our house usually means no
phone priviledges, no friends over, no dances and no TV.
Try that a few times, and see what happens. You should also continue to participate, so she won't think you can
do nothing to her. W.

I have a grandson who lives with me that has the same problem. He has had a hard life because his father abandoned my daughter and her four children about five years ago.His Mom went into depression so technically all the kids were abandoned by both parents. She is not working and doing well, but the kids really do not mean much to her. I wonder if it is a way of getting attention, being in control, getting revenge or what. All of the kids lie except the youngest who was just a baby when his father left. I told him I did not trust him. One lie and you lose your trust. It will not come back quickly,but in time if he proves everything then he can gain it back. If he tells me he is lying the consequences are not as bad as if I just found out. This is a hard one, believe me. Perhaps since she is a step daughter and you have another child this really makes her vie for attention. As adults it is hard for us to think like the child that is put in situations like our kid are, because we think everything is fine because it is fine for us, the child reacts very differently and cannot really express how they feel. If you have good ideas let me know.

Ditto the answer Nicole had. You do have to realize that it is normal at her age to start doing that, unfortunately. And I feel your pain, my 10yr old stepdaughter is going through the exact same thing right now. It is exceptionally hard when you have an ex-wife that lives in "nevernever land" with no rules, bedtimes, hygeine or chores for a child to come back into structure and cleanliness. The thing that is they hardest to learn as a parent is that you are NOT there to be a child's friend, you are there to be their teacher...a teacher of the rules of life. When they have learned those rules, ie reached 18, THEN you can be friends because hopefully by that time you have giving them all the tools to be a self-sufficient adult.
Believe me, there is nothing more satisfying than having an adult child come back to you and say, "Mom/Mum (Mum is what my stepkids call me) I have a savings! I have my own apartment! I finished college! I got a JOB!...All because you taught me what I needed to know, THANK YOU! That makes all of it worth it.
Stick to your guns, balance the chores/rules/good hygeine with lots of hugs/kisses and rewards. Hopefully you will hear "thank you" in 10 more years. =)