Ok me and my mother do not always see eye to eye. But the issue is I will stand up for her no matter what. We are family. End of story. My mother just recently married a guy. I have personally never liked him and never will. But my mother loves him so I would be nice to his face for her. Not saying we did not get in our spats but I was always forgiving. ( in front of her.) Well as this progressed us kids where always told to be nice to him. We could never talk trash about him without being scolded by my mother. Mind you he is most of the reason why me and my mom no longer get along. Before he came into the picture me and my mother where inseperable. He has changed so much about her.
This past year they moved to a house. I was a little unstable before this and was living with them. Well I was told I could not go with and had to find a place to stay. Fine I was doing that anyways because I am old enough to be away from mommy. I just needed help getting my balance on my feet again. Then to find out his son moves in. ummm I was told to get out. But whatever. I am not mad. He has drug issues and needs help anyways. I have personally seen him use them so it is not an accusation. It is coming from me seeing it. What ever besides the point. He was supposed to leave monday for a job. Didnt go because he couldnt get out of bed. Mom tried to be nice and continue to help him grow. Well he then turned baligerant with her and what does her hubby do. Stand up for his kids when they are calling her white trash and a slut and telling him that she should be kicked to the curb. Um hello she supported your father for 5 f-ing years. Like he has room to talk. My mother does not need this kind of treatment from him or anyone else. She has tried to make his life the best she could. Like I said before my mother worked for 5 years while he sat on his but without a job.
if you cant tell this subject has made me so angry. I want to help her but I dont know how. She doesnt know what she wants to do at this point. Every part of me just wants to go to their house and rip into him. But I know if there is any chance of saving their marriage I cannot do that.
Does anyone have advice for me or my mom? This has got to stop! I cannot let him ruin her anymore then he already has. I miss my mom. The one I had before this a-hole got in the picture.
Give her the book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie.
That's what I gave my mom when I finally realized that I couldn't straighten her life out either - until she wanted to too.
I'm hoping she wants to real soon.
You can't help her. Sadly, she must help herself.
YOU need to help yourself. Disengage from your mom and that entire situation and focus on getting yourself a support system and back on your feet and set up in your own life.
I wish you luck.
Stay out of it. Its honorable that you want to fight her battles and protect her, but really, she needs to do that for herself. It will only cause more problems for everyone if you try to say something to her husband or his kids. She needs to address these issues with him and figure out on her own what she will do about it. Good luck.
You are not going to like my answer, but it's not for you to be involved with. She's a grown woman, this is what she chose. Just LOVE your mom, don't get involved in this situation. She will have to stand up for herself. She's your mother, she's not a little kid.
You don't have to ever like this man, you don't have to talk to him if you don't want too. You have to set healthy boundaries for yourself, and getting involved in grown people's business is not healthy. I understand she's your mother, but she made the decision. You can tell her, that you miss the old mom you had before "X" came into the picture, and remind her of your bond, but, it's for her to deal with, not you.
Hugs going out, be strong!!!
The advice for you would be to stand on your own two feet and stop worrying about what your step father's children are doing or getting. I'm a mom of 4 and I can tell you that not all my children are treated the exact same way but they each get the emotional support they need.
The second piece of advice for you would be to stay out of your mom's problems and marriage. She needs to deal with this on her own and anything you do is just going to make you seem childish. Once she's had enough she'll walk away.
Sounds like a terrible situaiton. Unfortunately, your Mom will need to see the light on her own....and she will have to figure it out. Be supportive and make sure she is putting money off to the side so she isn't taken to the "cleaners"!
Your mom needs to stand up for herself and decide what she will and will not tolerate...not you....sorry.
I know it hurts when someone treats our mothers badly...especially someone we don't like in the first place.
Invite your mom over, let her know that she is welcome in your home any time. Could you offer her a room if she DOES want/need to leave?
You're wiser now: You've seen your SF and SB true colors. Take that into consideration when dealing with them. But you can't "make" any of them do anything, including your mom. She's a grown woman, and she needs to make her own choices and decisions in life.
Going there and "ripping" them is not going to make anything better--except you will feel better for 10 seconds. Be bigger than that.
Good luck!
You need to sit down with your Mom and explain to her that she is in an abusive relationship.
http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%2...
I feel for you! With all that you've said - at this point in it all, you may have to step back completely. At least for some time. I know that would be very hard and seemingly the wrong thing. It could look like abandonment, but it is Not. Tell your mother how much you love her and then step back. Let your own life begin and grow. Pray for her and put her in the Hands of God and let her go. This does not mean not loving her or caring about her. It means letting her go to God and releasing your fears and anger and all so that you may prosper and live joyfully.
Making the wrong choices is not exclusive to the young and inexperienced. She's making these choices whether she's consciously aware of it or not. She's probably wanted a man in her life for a very long time and now is willing to put up with a lot of disrespect and beyond. She has to respect herself and her life and be willing to see things from a more enlightened point of view. Pray for her and let go.
Sending the best to you both and I'm very sorry to hear of this as it is very painful. Prayers for you both are sent.
You didnt really say what it is this man does that is so terrible. He stood up for his son at one point. You had some sort of difficulties and needed them to help you for a while, and now they are helping his son. Maybe you are jealous of this. Wonder if the son hated when they were helping you in the same way. You bad mouth your step dad but think its terrible that his kids bad mouth your M.. Sounds like no one is being decent to anyone in this family. Best idea I have is to stop trying to make your M. be the way you want her to be and let her live her life. Maybe this man makes her happy in ways her children never did. Now if he is hitting her, beating her, forcing her to hand over all her money, changing contracts to steal all her belongings, or poisoning her, thats different. Then you call the police. But for now, I dont see what he is doing thats bothering you other than he married your M. and now she spends her time with him instead of you.
only one thing to do, be there for your mom. She has to make her own decisions, and vent on here when you need to...
You can't help someone who won't help themselves. Also they have to be the ones that see that they have a problem. You see the problem, she may not. Unfortunately you don't have any control over her situation. She has put herself in it, she has allowed it to go on, it is up to her to put a stop to it. While it's h*** o* you to see what's going on, you have to distance yourself. Time for some tough love. I would not allow my children to be near such dysfunction. Set up some boundaries. Talk to her but do not engage in any of the drama. If she complains, listen and just tell her mom, I can't do anything, you have to. Once she comes to that conclusion herself, there isn't anything you can do. Continue to love her, support her as much as you can, and put a healthy distance between them and yours. Good luck. Sorry you are seeing her being hurt like that. But you get out of life what you put into it and you get out of life from others what you allow.
You can't change your mother. Her life her decision. If she wants to continue to live with her husband and his disrespectful, drug using, abusive speaking son, then there isn't much you can do there but pray.
If she wants a healthy marital realtiionship, she will have to be healthy in her emotions and willing to change to get the change she needs if that is what she needs.
You just make certain you are whole and secure iin your emotions and finances because you may be needed to step in and help in some kind of significant way as her adult responsible child when and if she is ready to do something different.
I know you are mad as hell. I would be too but sometimes things aren't as simple as they seem.
My daughter is in the same situation, a husband who is letting her support him while they live with his father, he is controlling and while he hasn't hit her, he punched a hole in her windshield, taken the fuses from her car so she can't leave and such. She moves home with me but he sweet talks her back home. The thing is, you mom, like my daughter needs a safe place to go if it gets bad. If the house is in your moms name, she should be kicking him to the curb, if it is in both, she should go and then fight for the house. That is what she should do but unless that is what she wants to do, you can't force it. I finally told my daughter "This is your marriage and no one can tell you what to do, not me, not your husband, not your grandparents or friends. You need to do what you think is right for YOU and only you can choose how much you are willing to put up with for a marriage like this" It isn't easy, and it will be harder before it gets easier but we can't choose for them so we can only be there to support them.
Suggest to her that she seek counseling for herself - if she won't leave her situation, counseling may give her tools to change it. It does sound abusive, but often people being abused can't see it. They do better hearing it from someone they are not emotionally invested in.
