Mother/Daughter Relationships

Yes she has hormones early. My dtr is nineteen in college and seems to have no understanding of logic. sometimes she listen and sometimes she dont, but when i tune her out and just stay silent i think shes waiting on me to respond as such, so the conversation can go in her favor. Be patience and dont rush those years cause they go by fast then you"ll dealing with an young adult with way to much attitude.

Wow...you just described my daughter to a 'T'. I don't really have any advice for you. But just know that you are not alone. My daughter is 16 now but she started being very difficult around 4. She was an only child until she was 9 so it's not like she was ever deprived attention. I think some girls are just hard to handle. I'm hoping for a different relationship with my youngest because she is very much a people pleaser..if she thinks I'm upset with her for something, it makes her very upset.
On another note, this could be the start of puberty. That might have something to do with the attitude.

Have you tried to work with her instead of against her? You say you have similar personalities - you say you hate being talked back to - well how does she feel; probably the same, right?

Treat her how you want her to treat you and see how your relationship will hopefully change.

Good luck!

(Ps... If you continue to always take everything away - it becomes a way of life her. She will never expect that she will get anything b/c it will always be taken awy from her immediately)

Sounds a lot like my relationship with my oldest daughter.
We especially had a rough time from about the age of 10 to 15.
Honestly I have learned to back off, and we get along so much better. I no longer expect total compliance. I don't punish her for every single transgression. Sometimes she is rude and disrespectful and I just let it go. I have learned to pick my battles, and I'm much less controlling. The result has been that while she is not always perfectly well behaved, there is less drama and tension between us, and we just get along better.
My younger daughter is almost 13 and she and I haven't had as hard of a time. I think that's because 1) she is just naturally more of a people pleaser/rule follower and 2) I learned the first time around what's realistic to expect from a daughter and I cut her more slack.
I feel bad because it's as if I had to mess up the first time around how to be a better/more effective mother, the old "first pancake" syndrome, sometimes the first pancake doesn't come out too well because you're still adjusting the heat and time in the pan :(

I don't have girls but I've always had a really good relationship with my mom. We were not "friends" until I got into my late teens/early 20's. She always made it clear that it wasn't her job to be my friend and was quite strict as a young child. As I got into my preteen years she eased up quite a bit. She was still very involved but let my make my own choices.

My mother and I are exactly alike. We are both very stubborn so as long as I wasn't failing, wasn't lying, and wasn't doing drugs I was free to do as I pleased.

I think its really important for parents to make it very clear what expectations are/what is acceptable and what is not (ie. No lying,no screaming at me) and then everything else can be eased up on. That way there is no guessing as to what is going to be accepted and what is not.

At 10 she should be able to make a lot of choices on her own. Even if they are not the choices you would make it still shows her that you trust her enough to let her make them and that you respect her decisions.

One last thing. I think what really made a difference in my mom and I's relationship,especially when I saw how bad my friends relationship with their moms were, was that my mom let me lead my own life. She always told me to do what made me happy. She never judged me. She kept communication open with an open mind. She never made me feel guilty. I always knew that I could turn to her. Basically she let me be my own person and lead my own path. I know this might not be useful right now but if you start doing these things now it might help during the teen years.

Good luck mama! I hope things get better.

Wow, you just explained to a T the relationship between me and my mother. We fought constantly, I was always grounded and had things taken from me. Unfortunately I dont have a solution for you.

I can tell you that the constant "nagging", grounding made me hate her. I could never do anything right if it wasnt exactly how she liked it. She and I are both very stubborn. In all I wasnt a bad kid, got good grades, didnt drink, nor touch any drugs. The worst I did was smoke cigarettes. I was also the oldest of 2. I never talked backed to her though as I knew my teeth would of been knocked completely out of my mouth! Im 29 years old and still till this day I can not swear in front of either of my parents!

I turned 18, had my own car and ran!! I havent been back home since. We did have a good relationship for a couple years after I had my son. Then I got married to the man that I was dating at 17 and she did not want me to. Since then we havent talked very much. I try to be nice and she dont return the favor. She even has gone as far as not show up for her grandkids birthday parties for the last 3 years.

I digress........I have a daughter also and we are very much alike, but we get along. Because of the relationship that I have with my mother I try my hardest to make sure I dont have the same relationship with not only my daughter but with my son.

Try to make days of just you are her to go out and have fun. A mother/daughter day of pampering, movies and lunch or dinner. Pick your battles, but stick by your rules. As one said if you keep taking things away it wont bother her to have them as she knows it will eventually be gone. I maybe a little off on this but as I said above this is me and my mother and now with me having my own 2 kids I see more of the things I wanted from her. To be able to make my own mistakes. She is at the age to where she is going to push buttons to see how far she can get you to go. Make your punishments harsher as in she cant come out of her room. Found out a couple things that she really wants to do and use those as rewards. Be there for her when she needs it and show how much you love her!

Not having a mother to go to is the worst thing ever, but having a mother that judges your every move is worst yet.

okay - yours is hard to read - paragraphs are your friend!!! :)

with my mom? We weren't "Friends" until I was married - in my 20s. She told me it was her job to be my parent, not my friend - and she was right.

You WILL survive her teen years by staying the course and being consistent.
You are NOT her friend, you are her parent. Don't try to be her friend. Be her parent.

Don't yell and scream. When you do - you lose ground. I know it's hard when you have a belligerent kid on your hands. Take a deep breath. you can do it!!

I agree with "picking your battles"...re-evaluate the things that are truly non-negotiable. After you've figured that out, give her a little more leeway on everything else...in the long run, most things don't really make a difference.

*Sigh*
Part of this is just having a daughter, I think.
My mom and I were oil/water, until my adult years.
We have fundamentally different personalities, and a lot of mine, she just can't understand. To this day, she doesn't get it. But she's learned that she makes no progress by trying to force an issue with me.

My teenage years were hard. I lied to her a LOT. She didn't trust me (and honestly, I was a good kid. Rarely drank, but I hung out with drinkers...), always made curfew, etc...

Adult years were tough until she came to get that we won't function like her friends and their daughters do. We CAN'T talk every day. I simply don't have that much to say, and she gets mad at me that I don't talk to her about small stuff.
We figured out our pattern. We talk 2-3 times/week. That keeps everyone happy. She is NOT allowed to discuss finances with me. We have totally differnt view on marriage and how money should be handled. Therefore, for my own sanity, I cut her off from this discussion.

So, bottom line...eventually, you need to respect that your daughter is her own person, and not a small version of you. But at her current age, I think you're doing everything you can, and the right way.

Through it all, I never doubt that my mom loved me unconditionally and wanted what's best for me. And I've grown to be a well rounded person, I think. :)
It just took a lot of time for us to learn to respect each other's differences as *people*, and not *she's my mom/daughter*.

I think mother-daughter relationships are very hard. Try and cut her some slack on things you CAN compromise. Don't fight her immediately on choices she makes you would normally diagree with. Surprise her with a "yes, you can" and let her feel in charge *some*, so that she'll get (finally) a positive feeling from interacting with you. She's in "belligerant mode",she seems to be expecting constantly a negative response from you, so you need to break the cycle. I hope this helps.

Well, I am coming from another perspective - the DD side. I was similar to this and my relationship with my mother was similar, but once I moved out, we have become extremely close. We both consider each other one of our best friends and highly value our time together. We talk and/or email nearly daily and miss it when we don't. We have something very precious, and yet - especially at ages 9-11 I was the same way as your DD. We were always going at it. I pray that I can get to a better place with my DD (5) as we are already doing it now. But, I have the encouragement of what a precious, wonderful, loving relationship I have with my mom. We just didn't do well living together. Being more equals now has made our relationship wonderful. Keep up the good work and continue to let her know that you love her. It's a long journey.

H.

I see you already have your "So What Happened" up, but I thought I would share. I would guess my mother could have written this when I was young. We couldn't hold a conversation without me getting irate over something completely stupid and out of line. I have always loved my mother, and even though it seemed like we couldn't talk much, I never thought of our relationship as strained. Looking back, I would understand if she felt that way. I wasn't a horrible kid, on the surface, most people probably didn't see how awful I really was. It was nothing my mother did or didn't do. It was all me, and my needing to grow up, probably not as fast as I would have liked. I was the type who thought I should have been adult by the time I was 14, which caused me all kinds of frustration in trying to understand that I was not. With puberty it only got worse. Now, as an actual adult, (which I still don't really feel like sometimes *LAUGH*) my mother and I have a fantastic relationship! She was always calm and patient with me, and still is. To this day my mom can calm me from a crazy rage to thinking introspectively about other people with as little as a sentence over the phone. We can now have normal conversations about everything without anyone getting angry or hurt. All it took was me maturing.
I just kind of got choked up writing all that. wow.
I really don't have any ideas on how to make it easier, except a lot of patients and listening to your daughters thoughts and ideas, which will probably seem completely crazy to you, but to her they are the full truth and how things should be. So try not to crush her when you have to tell her that's not how things work.

Welcome to "ten-teen" is what my daughter's neurologist replied, when we complained of the exact same thing thinking it was her ADHD meds. She is 11 now and a little better. My advice is sense of humor. When she says you are the worst mother, you can reply, "that's surprising. Well hey, let's get online and see if there is a nomination page for the nation worst mother. Perhaps theres a cash prize we can split" That caught my DD off guard and she couldn't help but start laughing.

Try catching her in the act of being awesome - "you are really being positive in this situation" and Acknowledging "this must be frustrating" ("Talk so kids will listen and listen so Kids will Talk" is a great resource)

During calm times, enforce how much you like spending time together and doing "X" My daughter loves shopping (mostly at Claire's Boutique) and when things are going well, she suggests we go there so she can spend her allowance and then grab some lunch. I found that the more good times we have together, the more she wants.

I'm sorry you are having trouble with your daughter. It would be interesting to see what the answers would have been if you had asked who has actually been successful in raising a daughter and still gets along. Then you could get more helpful advice.

I agree with the advice that says not to yell and scream at her. Hopefully you aren't spanking her or using other physical punishments at THIS age. Hitting kids this old or teenagers will just make them hate you later on when they don't have to have anything to do with you. It still astonishes me to see people who act like they did the right thing doing this when they have lost their relationship with their child after they've grown up.

One thing I would advise you to do is to go talk to a counselor who works with pre-teens and teens. Go by yourself. Tell her the stuff your daughter does and how you are trying to handle it. Good counselors have worked with a lot of different personality types and can give you some ideas. Hopefully, you will find something wise in what the counselor says to help you relate to your daughter and more successfully teach her to navigate better in the family. Then you won't have to ground her so much.

Good luck,
Dawn

Have you tried reading the How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk book?

My mom & I get along, and mostly always have. My mom & I are somewhat alike (introverts). My sister and my mom, not so much, but they have a decent relationship now, though it's not close (my mom judges, though less so now, and so my sister doesn't share as much).

That sounds really tough, but good for you for trying to do something better! Please check out 123 Magic by Dr. Thomas Phelan. It absolutely helps cut down on the sniping/yelling between parents and children. There's also a couple more books, including one about teenagers. I've used it with my kids, as well as seen it work with many families I've worked with in the past 12 years. Good luck!

I've been wondering about this as I have 2 daughters who aren't old enough yet to clash with but I hear about it etc. So I think back to my mom who I got along with very well. And I think maybe it was bc she didn't expect a whole lot from me. She didn't expect Ivy League college or star at a sport or music etc. I was self motivated so did well so I'm sure that made it easy on her but I know I"m going to have to remind myself to not expect too much from my daughters. So I would look at your expectations... I know I was pretty sassy and obnoxious at times but I think she kind of let it go. So maybe like some people said, pick your battles. I do think it can just be personality though. I was a pretty easy kid in certain ways. My eldest neice has always been tough but I think my sister has realized now too to just back off. She said anything she wants her daughter to do suddenly is unattractive. So she doesn't say anything anymore. When I think of some of the obnoxious ways I spoke sometimes ie: "fish??? Fish for dinner??? I HATE fish!!!" My mom just shrugged but I shudder now. Don't get me wrong - the one time I said "shut up" under my breath I thought she was going to throw me out of the moving car but I think in hindsight she did kind of pick her battles... not easy though and I worry how my oldest will be...

I'm a veteran mom of a 25 and 28 year old daughters. One recently told me she's glad we raised her as we did, and the other has said that maybe we were right. They are wonderful human beings, and I couldn't be prouder of them. All 3 of us were going through the hormone changes of menopause and puberty together, so there were about 15 years of some degree of hell. On this side of things, we are actually pretty close. Hang in there-there are a lot of grandparents out there, so somehow we survive being parents.

I hope you can learn what maybe not to do.

Sounds like my mom and I. We were/are so alike in many ways. I was a mouthy sassy little thing, and she would ground me, take things away from me, yell, scream...you name it! I quickly learned that I would never get ungrounded, I would never keep anything and my favorite of her sayings "I bought for you so it's mine"...I learned to tune her out when she would go on a rampage. As I got older and into high school I found that the less time I spent at home the better off our relationship was.

I participated in so many after school activities (sports, clubs, etc) I found that is all she would let me do and it kept me away from her. To this day we are not "friends", she is my mom and I love her but we will never have what she had with my grandma. And frankly it's till very hard to talk to her, very hard to show her pure raw emotion.

With my daughter she is mix of both my husband and I, we have much better relationship, we are close, we have fun, we laugh, we cry...but she knows I'm the mom and I don't have to yell, scream, fight with her too much. Once in while we butt heads but it's rare.

i.e. the other day she lied about having socks on with her new boots. January and 30 degrees she should have had them on. She lied said she did (I knew she was lying) so I said let me see. She said "I'll be right back"...well I took her boots away from her and made her wear tennis shoes for the rest of the day.

I try to make the punishment fit the crime, maybe then she'll think about it harder. My mom...I would have been grounded for a week and had to listen to her scream and yell for an hour.

I don't do rewards for doing what you're supposed to do. However once in a while a huge reward is given for good behavior and showing responsibility.

I say take your breakfast time this weekend and really sit down and talk with her and listen to her...she might have some ideas on how to improve your relationship. Also, really think about how you would want to be treated were you in her shoes.

i only have a 5 year old so my insight probably isnt too good but I agree with mamazita in the sense that don't expect perfection. You do have to pick your battles. If theyre constantly in trouble it becomes an endless cycle. Maybe ut her in a sport that she can be proud of? Isn't the girl scouts about volunteering and charity? i might be confused but i thought it was..it would have to take somethnig worse then back talking for M. to take away that. Sometimes I expect my daughter to be perfectly behaved and listen and I have to realize shes not a robot and has her own feelings and I wouldn't want to be bossed around all day either.