Punishment for Sneaking Out at Night

I think you're right on with no cell phone, computer, car, etc.I wouldnt let her go to the prom. Could you spend prom day at a nursing home visiting lonely people and then spend the night ordering pizza and watching a movie as a family? I know she wont be happy, but that's the way it goes. Plus, if shes 16 (not a senior) then she can get it right next year.

Good luck!

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Well, I can tell you what my parents did to me when I was 16 and sneaking out. They took my door off the hinges for 2 months. It was the worst thing ever. At 16, girls want their privacy and my parents told me I had to earn my right to privacy again. They also screwed my window shut so that I couldn't sneak out of it. As far as prom goes, that's a personal call. I think if it's her Jr prom then you might consider her missing it, but if it's her senior prom then I would have to agree with your husband.

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Hi there,

We also are going through the same thing. This has happened so many times, that I have lost count.

This a very hurtful situation to be in. You just can't trust them......they really need to earn the trust back.

Just recently, we have moved, we have no security system here to let us know if anyone opens an entry....so, we have to take care of that. That was a great idea to get your security system!

Our daughter is turning 17 in June and honestly, we really thought all this was behind us....we really thought she had made a change....until I found out she had a myspace, again, which we forbid.

I suggest if your daughter had a myspace, take a good look at her profile. You would be surprised at what these kids reveal about themselves. You will be able to see what they talk about, who her friends are, what they are up to.

We also took away our daughters cellphone, we took away her computer, we took away her tv, we just recently we through every single nook and crannie in her room and seached it....wow, was I surprised at what I found. We looked everywhere...under the mattress, in her pillowcases, behind bookshelves, under bookshelves, in her drawers, in her clothes...Everywhere.

Also, we had an officer come out and speak with her. Sometimes, that really does help. He also at the time told us, at 17, if she does not straighten us, we can emancipate her ( not sure if that is spelled right).

We told her this, not that I would do that, but, to really just try and give her a wake up call.

We have also made it clear, she is getting a job.

Teenagers are so hard, but, we just have to keep loving them, even if it means tough love.

Good luck to you and God bless ;0)

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HI Geneva,
I have three daughters over 16...They grow up so quickly. When my girls started being influenced by "bad advice" I tried to spend more time with them....coffee, lunch, shopping, movie... my husband and I would each start spending more time with that child. We felt, when they were acting foolish, we needed to surround them with wisdom...those who are grown up and can help steer them. We saw the foolishness as a sure sign that they were spending too much time with friends and not surrounded by those who know what life is really about. WE would use that time to talk about the future...what do you want to do? We used that desire for the future to forge friendships and volunteer opportunitites for them to meet others in the same field.
A vision of the future did wonders to remind my kids that the present foolishness is not where they wanted to be. Also the extra time with my kids reminded me how much I like them. It was also really good for them to have that time with their dad. A dad's perspective is so healthy in a young ladies' life.
I hope that makes sense. What started as a negative, turn into a positive for your relationship. If she is grounded...make it an opportunity to spend more time together remembering what your family is about...don't make it about punishment and boredom....but about a reminder of who she is. Let it be a fun, good time for the family...play and talk together.
Many prayers to you.

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Perhaps put an electronic device on her window too. Why does she need to sneak out? I would not allow her to be with those friends any longer.

Your past admonishment didn't stop her.

Pat

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Hi Geneva!
I just wanted to share a wonderful little story with you. My aunt told it to me about her own daughter when she was a teen who snuck out in the middle of the night once...and only once.

My aunt went in her daughter's room to check on her, having forgotten to tell her something. When she walked into the room, she saw what really looked like her daughter fast asleep in bed, but in acuality, it was just pillows assembled in a way to resemble her body.

My aunt pulled back the covers and revealed the pillows. She then checked the window, discovering that it was unlocked and that her daughter had climbed through the window to go out.

After locking the window again, she proceeded to take her daughter's door off its hinges, storing the door in the garage until needed again. When the daughter came home, she was livid. She had to use the front door instead of re-entering through her bedroom window and she wasn't sure if her mother went back to sleep or not after her discovery. My aunt had every intention of waiting up and opening the door at the ungodly hour of 3am, but she was also aware of the fight (as well as a bit of fun) to come.

In her anger, the daughter went stomping to her room, only to find that her room no longer had a door on it. She then demanded an explanation for the removal of her door. My aunt offered this one line, "If you're using the window, you obviously have NO NEED for your door anymore!" She then added, "When I see that you are becoming more honest with me, you may have your bedroom door back, but until then...I have to keep my eye on you." No late nights out, no more sneaking around...and no door.

I don't know if this helps you at all, but it sure gives me a giggle when I think about that situation. [By the way, the door was returned to its rightful place soon after the incident...when the daughter had a clear understanding of how to use her door AND her mouth the proper way].

We moms just want to make sure our kids are safe. My heart goes out to you, Geneva. I hope your daughter learns to use communication instead of the window in the future.

Hugs to you!

D.

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i'd let her go to prom or she'll hate your forever - i snuck out all the time and wasn't doing anything wrong it's just a novelty of being almost an adult - i turned out fine - never got in trouble and i'm a very nice, happy person raising two girls and i now have a great relationship with my mom - i'd ground her but don't make her miss prom - she'll never forgive you for that - don't damage your long term relationship with just because she's acting like a stupid teenager - i'm with the above - have her do some community service at like a women's and children's shelter or something - so she really is able to see all that she has - but let her go to prom

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Hi: I thank God every day that my daughter is now 21 and finishing her 3rd year in college. I didn't go to my prom, so please don't take that one away from her. I did have some problems with my daughter, but sneaking out at night was not one of them. Have you taken sometime and sat down with your daughter to find out why she has done this. Have you taken a look at her friends, you know the old saying "you are as good as your friends", you are as good as the company you keep....is she boy crazy, does she have things to keep her busy and out of trouble, eg. softball, basketball, track, and kind of sports tends to keep them focused on the good things........just a few ideas and good luck.

Also A Mom

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I realize I am a little late, but Prom in our area hasnt happened yet, I would definately make her stay home. I am sure she already has her dress, ect, make her do chores to repay you. She has next year. Would you rather see her dressed up for the night, or ID'ing her body because of a teenage prank? No matter where you live, we live in the heart of Amish Country, bad things happen. I also agree with taking off her bedroom door, she cant be trusted, she has to know how serious this is. My girlfriend did that with her 14 year old, and the daughter learned Mom and Dad were serious when they laided down the rules. I listen to and read stories, like yours, about their teenage daughters, and I wish I could be in your shoes. Our daughter died at 75 days of SIDS. I will never have the oppertunity you do. We have 3 surving children, including my 21 y/0 step-daughter, who is on the wrong track, because her mother let her get away with too much. I am only 40, but I believe in old school, the child pays for behavior. My 5 year old knows as much. I was in plenty of trouble as a teen, but my parents NEVER waivered from strict punishment, and I am super-close to my parents. I know they did right. Today, I am thankful. I know you cant over-ride your husband about Prom, but if needed, sit in the car to make sure she doesnt leave. And just remember, this too shall pass. Best of luck, God Bless.

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Let her go to her prom!!!!!! Could you even imagine down the road her missing it, there would never be forgiveness. I would start her punishment right after the prom, The next day actually. Stay firm and strong and keep her limited to her cell and computer use. Perhap's have her write a essay on the saftey issues of sneeking out and what if she were abducted or worse. This is simply a suggestion, but ground her for no less then a month. Good luck to you...

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I too got to experience one time that my daughter chose
to sneak out of the house. I was terrified and I called one of her new friends that I thought that she was with. The mother answered the phone and said that her child was with another friend, she was very helpful with reassuring
me that she would be fine and everything would be ok. She was correct. My daughter was at our local school and came walking home at 2:30 am. Crazy! Well I think she learned
her lesson because on top of losing all of her fun stuff she also got to sleep in our room for a month. We never had the problem again.

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I had friends who had this problem with their teenage daughter and they did similar to what you are doing: They screwed her windows shut and sometimes her dad even slept in the hallway in front of her door. After a while, they just took the door off its hinges because she had lost her priviledge to privacy. Also no cell phones, no going out at all because they couldn't trust her to be where she said, no driving, nothing. Just to school, work, and home. This went on for over a year.
I also want to add that telling kids what to do, without explaining to them WHY we should or shouldn't do those things, is pretty futile. "Because I said so" does NOT work, and only makes them resentful of you and your authority. When my children disobey, are disrespectful, lie, backtalk, want to do something sinful, whatever, I always, always, always (no matter how busy I am) sit down and read to them where in the Bible it instructs us to do otherwise: ie, Ephesians 6:1- "Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right." We talk about what they did wrong, why they have to be punished, and I put it on God's authority because he is the ultimate authority. Children need to understand that parents don't do these things to make their lives miserable; we do them because God instructs us to love our children, protect them, teach them right from wrong, discipline them, and punish them when necessary. If they see you obeying and loving the Lord, they will do the same.

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First I am not sure what the Prom has to do with sneaking out, so maybe instead of taking it away put restrictions on it and be sure that you are 100% available to make sure that the restrictions are put into affect.I think it is very important to make the other girls parents aware of the situation as well. I have twin boys that did the same thing once when they stayed the night at a friends house and they are no longer allowed to go anywhere with that certian friend without adult supervision. The other night they wanted to ride their bikes to his house to play pool and they had to be driven there checked in with the other parent and had to be picked up earlier than normal because I also have little ones that have an earlier bedtime and once they are in bed, I can not leave them alone. They do not like having such tight restrictions but I have let them know that it is due to their actions and the mistrust and they are respectful of that. I think that communication is a huge key and maybe even put the ball in your daughters court, ask how she would handle this situation if you were the daughter and she was the Mother. ask her why she feels that she needs to sneek out. It would be a good idea to find out where they are going when they do sneak out and what they are doing ?

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I hate to admit that at 16 I used to sneak out of the house all the time at night, until I got caught of course and then I didn't do it again. And I was a good kid (honors classes, sports, etc). But now that I'm a mom I would be really worried if my child snuck out at night, especially b/c alcohol can be involved. I think the Security System is a great deterrent. As far as punishment goes, I'm not sure what to suggest for you. I do think that your daughter would be crushed to not be able to go to Prom. Girls spend sooooo much time planning for an event like prom and I realize she betrayed your trust but I'm assuming she is probably a pretty good kid otherwise? So, I think your husbands suggestion is fair, that she goes to prom and comes home immediately after. In regards to additional punishment: cell phone, computer, grounding sound appropriate and I liked the other mom's suggestion about maybe community service. Then something positive could come out of this. Hope this helps. I'm 29 now but for some reason being 16 doesn't seem like that long ago. Teenagers can be awfully crafty and sneaky at times. I was! So, trust your instincts and hopefully your daughter can rebuild the trust you had in her. Pretty soon she will be 18 and in college and exposed to so many more things. So, it's important that she knows how dangerous certain things can be and she becomes more responsible for caring for herself and her well being. Best of luck!!

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Take away the prom-
A fitting punishment for once again taking away your trust.
Maybe she'll get it this time.

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It sounds fair to ground her again. If you allow her to go to the Prom, I would suggest either 1) drop her at the dance and make her meet her date at the dance, no dinner, no "out of sight" time, and wait for her to take her home as soon as the dance is over or 2) go asa chaperone to dinner, the dance, the whole shebang. If you clearly told her that there would be big trouble if she snuck out again (after the last time) you need to stick with it. It's not fair for her to betray your trust and get away with it just because this "once in a lifetime" thing is coming up. Good luck with your decision.

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Hi, I know this comes later, but I just saw your issue. I think you have done all the right things except for one part I did not hear.

You see, I used to sneak out as a teen, and what I wanted and needed most was to have some close connection to my parents. If she regards you has her punishers, but not as the people who deeply care about her emotions too, I'm afraid you'll have problems with that approach. I would encourage you to connect with her. Ask her why she wants to disobey you so much? She might just know that it seems fun at the time, so aks her if she understands the risk. She probably does and finds it exciting, but it's a sign that she doesn't value herself very highly and she just wants thrills. So, please let her know that you value her highly and ask her how you can show her, how she can feel that message of being valued. If she says to trust her, you know she's manipulating again, but tell you you're looking for something along the lines of sharing a special hobby with her, or some time out with just you or just dad.

I hope you can find an enjoyable activity that lets her know how much you value her.

Cathrin

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Geneva,

You've gotten a lot of responses here. I remember when my daughter (now 27) went through the 'sneak out' phase. And, though I'm not proud of it - I was considered 'queen of sneaking out' at around age 16, many yrs ago.

Of course you want to protect your daughter from harm - and you should. And the posters who mentioned offering more one-on-one time and just being interested in whatever she is interested in (no matter how annoying) will help.

Know that sneaking out is a 'rush' - doesn't matter what you do after you're out, it's the 'rush' of sneaking out and then back in un-detected that feels cool at that age. Know that unless she gets interested in more healthy activities, she will continue to seek out other things that will deliver a similar 'high' - you get the idea. You can lecture til the end of time, it won't register. Does she like music, art, travel, photography - find one thing and be interested in it with her if at all possible.

When it started happening with my daughter it seemed a normal part of adolescense to me - which is probably unacceptable to many readers here, sorry. I laughed it off when it happened with my daughter in order to take the shock value out of it, wrong or right that is what I did, but definitely tightened her freedoms for a limited time, also I was able to identify which of her girlfriends were sneak-out queens (having been one formerly myself) and able to 'nip' that sort of activity in the bud by limiting her access to those girls and those scenarios. I tried to build up her access to other things she considered 'fun' - for her it was art and fashion design.

Taking prom away - I'd say no, but give a definite curfew...that is something she will always remember for the rest of her life and in my opinion is just cruel to take away. Re-establishing trust? Come on - anyone who trusts a 16 yr old should have their head examined themselves, we love them but we cannot trust them at that age - it just doesn't make sense to trust them because they do not yet have the ability to reason at that level. You can talk til your blue in the face at the dangers and how worried you were etc etc - this will not register with a 16 yr old.

remember not to take advice from anyone who does not themselves have a teenager - and try to keep your sense of humor above all else.

hugs,

W.

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I'm sorry for the situation you are in -- but you have a good opportunity to get her attention. I would not let her go to the prom. She can start working on next year's prom. She'd never forget that lesson. But you are in a bad spot because your husband wants her to go. The girls are lucky they came home unharmed. Besides grounding I would figure out some community service for her to do the whole time. Maybe involving homeless teens or something. Good luck.

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Geneva
I really feel your pain and frustation when Iread this and yes, I would feel just like you right now. You attempted the whole trust issue again with your daughter and you are left now with a feeling of betrayal and hurt. IT is a knee jerk reaction re the prom (and I know I would have too) but I do agree with your husband as hard as it may be...I would let her go to the prom bc it is a moment in her life she will never have back really. Prom is only in high school and it's a time that only comes once. I would maybe let her beleive for awhile that she wasn't going to go bc of her actions and maybe that will make her realize the severity of it all. Eventualy, I would however let her go but have her come straight home right after and I would not not go over board in the whole experince (over giving and going the extra mile with buying more than you may have or done for this event) and I would stick to the usual punishment of taking the cell phone, banning of sleep overs etc. IT's probally a good idea to tell her that trust is huge in life...and once broken it's like a glass vase you try to put back together again...its never quite the same and that is what she is doing to both of you as parents and that you love her so much that she does not realze the dangers she is really exposing herself too. One day when she is on her own..she can do as she pleasees but she is living under your roof and you ask for that respect. Maybe I wrote to much...my daughters are 2 and 4 and I am so afriad of what is to come! Times have changed so much but as long as you and your husband parent and bond toether during this time..I do beleiv things will be ok as long as you remain strong as a fmaily. Times like these are tough..a couple ofm y friends are going through similar frustations. I hope that helped! A.

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Missing prom sounds like a great punishment. I would sneak out when I was a kid. My parents tried to stop me but I found ways. I think if they would have been a little more extreme with me I wouldn't have gotten into as much trouble. There are so many bad things that can happen at night. You could also sleep in her room with her for a few weeks. My friends parents did that to her, it worked.

PS: I missed prom when I was a kid, and I am still alive and could care less.

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Gives me post traumatic stress disorder from my 14th year. I was a sneaker outer. Results of such were not good. My mother threatened me with sleeping in my room with me, going to school with me, all the above. I was grounded my whole 14th year. I'd ask, "When will I be ungrounded?" Her reply, "When I can trust your judgment, and not a day before." It was not until then that I was ungrounded.

Good luck!

I think you should let her go to prom . she will resent you and your husband forever if she misses this high school function, but I would make sure she gets to prom and prom only!!I don't know about your proms but ours the kids are not allowed to leave and breakfeast is served at the school, you'll just have to go pick her up even if you have to ground yourself. As a parent my husband and I have grounded ourselves alot!!get my drift? As far as sneaking out, better find out why? and start interfering , we have went as far as letting ours decide to stay out only to realize it's not as fun as it's seems when you still have to get up at regular time no matter what day it is. good luck L.

I would let her go to prom and she would have to come home right after prom and then when school is out and summer starts she would have to come straight home on the last day of school and she would be grounded for the whole summer because that was a serious situation. Just because i would of thought she had been kidnapped because her window was wide open at 4a.m in the morning.

We all were kids and some of us did sneek outbut I wasn't one of them.I would let your daughter go tothe prom and let her know that you are letting her go with the understanding that you want to trust her and that she has to be home when you say.Let her know that you want to trust her and you can"t if she sneeks out when you are letting her have sleep overs to be with her friends. I would also ask her what does she think her punishment should be. Sometimes children do things because they want to be punished. Just let her know that you love her and you are making her more responsible for when she eventually becomes a mother.

Hi, my advice is yes you should let her go to the prom. But she needs to go back g
home at midnight. Wish you the best !!!!!

I will keep her away from those friends that she has. I Have a 16 year old boy and I do not let him go out to sleep anywhere. I do not want to see any friends to sleep over my house. I believe that it is easier for them to do something like that when they have friends. So try to keep a good relationship with your daughter and get her involve in a lot of activities, dance school, sports, swimming team, there are so many things also church activities. Just keep her busy and away from those friends.

Good Luck this age is tough!!!

M.