17 answers

How Much Is Too Much Grounding/punishment!

My daughter seems to be grounded all the time and punished cause shes always acting bad/ not listening... but i was thinking is me punishing her too much making it worse or?

What can I do next?

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We only have used grounding when it 'fit' the offense. In other words, if my child went down the street to a friends and didn't come home when he was supposed to. Or went off to play at a neighbor's house without asking for permission first. That sort of thing.

Other offenses (grades, disrespect, messy room, etc) garner(ed) other discipline. Discipline that fits THAT offense.

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I would say punishment must be an occasional thing or it just becomes their way of life. They don't miss what they never get to do or experience. If they are grounded to their room all the time they start feeling it is where they belong and one day everyone realizes that XXX does not come out of their room very often or interact with friends because they never got to develop those skills or do outside activities.

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If she's grounded all the time, then I would think that it's not working. Figure out what your goal is. Is it for her to learn something from it? Is she still repeating her behaviors after grounding? If so, then she's not learning.

If the goal is simply punishment without the expectation of change in her behavior in future situations, then by all means, keep grounding her ad nauseum.

How much are you talking to her? How much time are you able to spend with her? Has something changed in her life, or is she going through the start of teenage stuff?

I think you need to find some other type of teaching tool if you truly want her to learn appropriate behavior. If she's always being grounded - does she know what will cause a grounding? Does she always understand why she's being grounded? Is grounding her actually preventing her from doing something she enjoys? When she's grounded, what else is she still allowed to do?

You need to make sure the punishment is something that she actually cares about and that she's learning from it.

4 moms found this helpful

We only have used grounding when it 'fit' the offense. In other words, if my child went down the street to a friends and didn't come home when he was supposed to. Or went off to play at a neighbor's house without asking for permission first. That sort of thing.

Other offenses (grades, disrespect, messy room, etc) garner(ed) other discipline. Discipline that fits THAT offense.

2 moms found this helpful

You said:
"How much is too much grounding/punishment!

My daughter seems to be grounded all the time and punished cause shes always acting bad/ not listening... but i was thinking is me punishing her too much making it worse or?"

Well, your step-daughter is only 9 years old. She comes from a broken family and in your other post she sounds desperate for attention and affection. Her behavior is classic for trying to get attention from her mother, who this poor girl may feel is giving too much to you, the new intruding spouse competing for the mother's attention.

You're not her mother, so it's not your place to punish her. It's her mother's place and her father's place. Step back and let her parents handle it until you have a better relationship and a more established parenting role with this girl. Stop competing for her mother's attention.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi C.,

I would suggest that you and your wife seek out some counseling on blending families, who can give you some tips on how to make the transition smoother for all of you, especially your step-daughter.

If you could give us some examples of how she is acting bad / not listening I think that you would get some better advice. It sounds like from your other posts that your step-daughter is not handling the blended family very well and is acting out. She is 9. That is what they do.

I don't have a blended family, but my (now) ex b'friend and I went through some counseling and one of the things that was recommended is that you always remember there are 4 relationships in your family of 3:
The relationship you and your wife have with each other.
The relationship you have with your step-daughter
The relationship your wife has with her daughter
The relationship you ALL Have together.

They ALL need equal focus - but you can see that 75% of the "relationships" involve your DAUGHTER. Which means what is going on with her is equally as important as the relationship you are developing with her mom.

How have you bonded with her? How have you worked toward making that relationship easy for her?
How have you supported the relationship between her and her mom as well as how has her mom supported the relationship between you and her daughter?
What activities/family time do you all do together?

When kids are being punished heavily generally it is because there is not enough for the child to do - interacting with family, homework, helping with dinner etc.

See if that will help.

1 mom found this helpful

Good catch Denise....this is your girlfriend's daughter that is having a lot of trouble with your relationship and wants her mother's interaction. Grounding obviously isn't working and her mom needs to work hard to find a way to make in impact.

1 mom found this helpful

I can tell you that I spent most of my junior and senior years in high school grounded. I reached a point that I just didn't care.
It didn't curb my behavior, it just taught me how to lie creatively and still be able to do the things I wanted to.
(Ex: I started cutting class in groups...)

You might try to change it up, or really evaluate why she's grounded.

I was never the trouble kid. I hung out with the "bad" people, but I rarely drank, and never got caught by the police. I smoked and hid it. That was my "bad" thing. I didn't stop becuase I got punished....

1 mom found this helpful

I would say punishment must be an occasional thing or it just becomes their way of life. They don't miss what they never get to do or experience. If they are grounded to their room all the time they start feeling it is where they belong and one day everyone realizes that XXX does not come out of their room very often or interact with friends because they never got to develop those skills or do outside activities.

1 mom found this helpful

Have you ever considered this...What is the purpose of punishment and do you actually get the goal of punishment when executed?

I very rarely ground the children because for me grounding them is punishing me too. If I make them have to stay home then I have to stay home and monitor their staying home. That's unfair to me. So I usually don't issue a punishment that will not punish me too.

It is hard to give advice on what to do without specifice information on how she is "acting bad" or "not listening". Are your expectations of her age appropriate? There should be an entire arsenal of weapons in your bag of tricks to discipline your child. Have you tried rewarding her good behavior to get more of the same? What is the root cause of the child's misbehavior? If the child is misbehaving because you aren't around much then spending more time with the child would work wonders.

We have a family game night 1 a week. Every Monday night after homework and dinner we set up some board game and play. It gives us an opportunity to talk, laugh and have fun. Even the kids that have moved out come on Monday nights to play with the family. It is a great time and can double for serving the purpose of punishing when warranted by restricting that person from participating.

1 mom found this helpful

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