Mom Seeking Advice About Siblings and Sharing

Hi J.!

I SO remember those days! And 3 is such a hard age! (My opinion has always been that the terrible twos last 2 years...) Do you think that Andrew would respond to this?

This will require some extra time on your part for a couple days. Get a cup or small jar and put a piece of masking tape on it with "Andrew's Rewards" written on it. Then, get a jar of something that's his favorite that's small. (I used M&Ms, but you can also use raisins, etc. When they're older, coins and hew Lego pieces do the trick!) Sit him down and tell him that each day, everytime he shares, he gets an (M&M) in his jar. That means when Joseph has something you don't want, you get an (M&M) if you don't take it away. Then, you get to eat them before bed." Then, go into the room they are playing in and take the jar with you while you read a book or fold laundry, etc. Pretend you're not watching, and when Andrew takes a toy, cut in and say, "Oh Andrew! Don't you want an M&M? Why don't you give that toy back to Andrew and I'll put one in your jar?" It only takes about 2-3 times reminding Andrew to share that he'll get the hang of it and then he'll really make sure you KNOW when he's sharing. Then, right before bed (or after supper), give him his jar and say, "Wow! Look at all the M&Ms you earned. I wish I could eat all of those. You get to eat those now because you shared so well. When you're finished, we'll start the sharing game again right away." The second jar is still one that you have to monitor, but for the next several days, there should be at least a little improvement in behavior. If you can't go to where they are playing (like fixing dinner), bring them to you in the kitchen with toys and monitor them there.

The thought is that Andrew should see sharing not as a deprivation but rather something he gets something better from. I was concerned when I started this that they'd get hooked on candy and go back to old ways once the week was up. But, it seemed to have a lasting effect and I would pull it out again if things started getting bad again.

It takes a while to learn to share. Try this. When your older son takes a toy off of your younger son, take it off of your older son immediately and give it back to the little one. Then tell your son, I know you don't like having the toy taken from you but your brother didn't like it either. Although you did something you are not allowed to do, I still love you and you may have a turn with the toy when your brother is done. If he hits you son, make sure your younger son is alright and then put your older son in time out. Tell him I love you but hitting is wrong and hurts his little brother. Tell him that he has a time out for 3 minutes (or his age) and at the end of the time out he needs to tell his little brother he is sorry for hitting him.

My friend's son has a hard time sharing. She uses a timer when he is having a hard time sharing during play dates. When both children want to play with a toy, she gives it to the one who wanted it first and tells both children she is setting a timer for a set time period at the end of which the other one gets a turn. Then she resets the timer in case the other one still wants to play with it.

Sometimes when they are this close in age, it is more about attention and jealousy. Sometimes you can redirect their attention before it escalates with a little attention from mom.

Good luck.

Everyone struggles with this one. In our house we have simple rules. If it is special to you, and it is a toy you definately do not want your sibling to touch, It goes in your bed room. If it is in the play room, it is fair game. Then who ever touches it first, gets to play with it. If they try pulling all the toys to their room, limit the number to a dozen for a while and see how it goes. This topic is the source of most fights in most households, so you are not alone. Good luck!

My advice? - Give up ... it's a losing battle. I have two boys - 6 1/2 and 4 years old - and they have the same battles. It is such an issue that I tell family/friends to buy them the same gifts to avoid conflict. But, from what I hear, this nonsense never ends with boys ... so you sort of have to grin and bear it through most of their childhood. Easier said than done!

Sharing is a hard one. I still know adults who have a hard time with that one. You have a three year old and a 16 month old. Lets flip this real quick and look at this from your Three year olds view.... All of a sudden there is this person who is able to play with his things now and DOES. These were his first and now he has to share and sharing means less and I DONT LIKE LESS.... Are there toys that are just for Andrew? Could there be? Andrew could be feeling like his whole world is being taken over by this baby. He has to share his life, space, parents, and now TOYS. Oh no, whats next? Also have some toys be just JOSEPHS and Andrew would have to ask to be able to play with them. Now, if the violence does not stop, that is a safety issue and if Andrew cannot be safe with the family he will have to play by himself in his room. Not even a time out. He can play but not with everyone else until he can use his kind and caring hands and be safe.

Good luck on this adventure,
B. Davis, Child and Family Coach

If you would like to talk more about this topic or any other topic feel free to visit www.childandfamilycoaching.com. See you there.

I have a 2 1/2 year old and a 9 mo old. I told my son that if he wants something his sister is playing with, he must first go get her a toy. Only after he gives his sissy a new toy, may he play with the toy she had. If she cries because she wants the original toy back, he has to give it back and wait. 90% of the time, it works and there is no problem. The other 10%, usually when he is tired, he gets frustrated and upset that she is playing with his stuff. When that happens, instead of putting him in time out, I will put the toy in timeout. I tell him that if they can not play nicely together with that toy, than no one will play with it for the next 2 min. Just warning that the toy will go in timeout is typically enough. I know that its not fair to the younger child to lose the toy too, but I think in the long run it will teach both of them a valuable lesson: either you both share and play nicely or no one will.
Hope this helps.
K.

HI J.! Three year old's do not share well. Neither do toddlers. My oldest two are exactly 2 yrs 1 week apart and we gave that one up early. It was easier to get two items alike and marking them with sharpies or getting two different colors. They will learn to share as they grow older, and you will be able to get away from the buying two of everything after a few years. The important thing is not to force your oldest to give up or share with the younger one all the time. He needs to have his "own" things that the younger one is just not allowed to have. Just like the youngest needs to have his "own" things. When you start into sports, music lessons, art classes (whatever) don't automaticly sign them up together or in the same thing. As they get older this can become a serious issue. I have three girls and they all played softball, they all danced, they all play in the school orchestra, they are all in girl scouts. At any given point in time one of my girls has changed an activity to express their individuality. One moved to soccer. One sought out a free piano in the penny saver and takes lessons. One stayed with softball, two continued for years in dance while the other consintrated on her orchestra goals. As they get older they like to share, but they crave to have "their own thing" at the same time. It is a hard issue to manage as a parent. Time schedules, costs, days of the week...it is a challange and we do live by the calandar. But it's worth every moment and every penny.

Give your son some time with you or hubby alone. Give him a few things he never has to share...you might find that helps you in the long run. Best wishes!!

Hi J.,

I have a daughter that is 3 also and twin girls who are 11 months. My 3 year old also does not like to share her toys and takes them off her sister. I am beside myself with it too. I have tried time-outs and talking too. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I started taking things away that is important to her such as the tv for the day. It is more of a punishment for me but it works! Let me know if you came up with any ideas!
Thanks,
R.