MIL Forgot 10 Yr Old's Birthday

wow, i'd totally work with my daughter on developing some coping skills. no 10 year old should be so 'crushed' that she refuses to speak to her own grandmother over something like this.
i remember my kids' birthdays, but that's it. i forget my husband's, my brother's, never remember a niece or nephew's, and doubt i'll be any good with my grandkids' when they show up. it doesn't mean i'm uncaring or cold or harsh. it means i demonstrate love in different ways.
kids should not be so fragile that their worlds can be so easily destroyed.
khairete
S.

Maybe she'll bring a present on Thanksgiving?

I always forget people's birthdays. I dread to think when I have grandkids..

She called, so she didn't forget her bday. She did in fact remember on that day, so one cannot say she forgot.

I'm sorry this happened, but I want to give you some food for thought. You could have prevented your daughter's tears if you had thought on your feet and not let your daughter know this. You could have said "Oh Marge, thanks for calling Susie for her birthday! She's excited to hear from you!" and then handed your daughter the phone. You would have let your MIL save face AND kept your daughter from being crushed. Instead, you threw her under the bus and punished her for reminding you about your nieces and nephews birthdays.

Your daughter is WRONG WRONG WRONG to not want to talk to her grandmother over Thanksgiving. This is just plain drama queen stuff with both of you. If you let your daughter act like this to her, your husband should have your head.

Now is the time to put a little humility in front of your daughter and tell her that grandma is getting old. Tell her that you were in the wrong to get your nose so out of joint over this and you both need to forgive grandma and love her.

I will tell you point blank that my mother-in-law started forgetting my birthday and my kids' birthdays. I was surprised, but not mad. We were living 13 hours away and I figured she was just busy and lost track. I called on my kids' birthdays and my FIL would answer the phone, and I asked him to wish the kids happy birthday. Then I took the phone to the kids so they were none the wiser. He gave the phone to her after talking to them. It wasn't long before there were no more birthday presents for anyone in our family too, because she wasn't going out and buying them. (My FIL never did that stuff.) And here, SHE was the ONE person in the family who knew EVERYONE'S birthday and everyone's business, kept up with us all, let everyone know what was going on with all the sibs and kiddos, no matter how far away people lived - she was the matriarch of the family.

Why is this important? Because as time went on we realized that grandma "wasn't right" anymore. Over LOTS of stuff. It turns out that my MIL has Alzheimers. As it got worse, she told me it was like pieces of the puzzle of your brain just fall out. She'd say a sentence, and then trail off because she couldn't remember what she was talking about. I don't remember the last time we had a conversation because she has been in the bed for 5 years now and doesn't know anyone anymore. My kids come up to her bed in the family dining room when we visit and tell her how much they love her. And BOY am I glad that I never held forgetting birthdays and presents against her before we got her terrible diagnosis. I would feel like absolute dog doo if I had.

My own mother is 80 years old. She doesn't have Alzheimers, but if she doesn't write down parts of our conversations on the phone, she doesn't remember what we've talked about half the time. I tell her a check is coming in the mail, and to please remember to put it in the bank. She forgets that I told her and calls me up saying "Thanks for the check, honey! I didn't know you were sending one!" I just sigh and remind myself to wait for her to get her calendar in her hand before I tell her things.

Now, you can get mad at me all you want for telling you how I feel here. But I'm telling you that if she is a good grandmother and a decent human being, you should back pedal NOW. Thursday is coming up quickly and the idea that you and your daughter would ruin her Thanksgiving with this is unconscionable.

Hi G., forgive me for stalking, but if I hadn't looked at your previous posts, I might've answered something like, Good Lord, whassa big deal? Some families are just not that into birthdays, mine included.Your kid is upset because you are projecting.

However I see that your own mom (whose passing has been very difficult for you) made a REALLY big deal out of birthdays. So the issue is deeply personal to you.

I think it's wonderful you and your mom cherished family birthdays like you do. But not every family shares that same dynamic.

In my family, there's just TOO MANY PEOPLE for us all to make a big deal out of everyone. We're a very close family, we genuinely enjoy each other company, but we rarely make a big fuss over Anyone's birthday, including the kids.We shrug, and enjoy our time together.

I wonder whether your MIL talked about your nieces/nephews birthdays because she knows you're really into birthdays and is maybe just making conversation, showing she knows this about you and cares.

I hope you continue to make your OWN children's birthday special or them, however you are setting yourself and them up for constant disappointment if you expect MIL or any other family member to do the same. I am unsure WHY your daughter would find it SO crushing that her Grandma "forgot" her birthday. My kids would not.

So in order to not live a life full of disappointing birthdays, it would be helpful for you and your child to have ZERO expectations.

I mean not to go around thinking everybody sucks until proven otherwise, only to recognize everyone is different, and this is NOT your MIL saying I forgot Your Birthday Therefore You Are Unloved, see?

If you value your relationship with your MIL, I see no reason to even bring this misstep up again.

With or without birthday fuss, you and your children are loved by this woman. And being Thanksgiving, I would think your entire family would be grateful to have that day together, not using that day to point out each other's shortcomings.

Have a wonderful Holiday surrounded by the people who love you!

:)

Please do not create family drama over this on Thanksgiving day or allow your daughter to snub her grandmother for an honest mistake. What is Thanksgiving about anyway?????

Why on earth would you make such a big deal over it and NO you do not say anything to grandmother or anyone else because if you do, you are creating drama.

Grandmother was honest with your daughter... your daughter should not be so hyper sensitive. I know your daughter is 10 and 10 yr olds can be very emotional but this is a bit much. At least Grandmother did not lie to her!

I sense there is a bigger issue we don't know about between you and MIL. You could easily have prevented the entire situation and drama with your daughter if you handled the phone call differently.

Use this as a learning experience and teach your daughter that sometimes things we might not like happens but we move on from it.

Cutting grandmother out of Thanksgiving just because she forgot a birthday is cruel.

I'm sorry but this is a great opportunity for your daughter to learn to be graceful and forgiving. My kids have had this happen and it wasn't a hurtful experience. I'm not sure where the hurt comes in for your daughter. I'm guessing that your MIL said something like "Happy birthday sweetie I can't believe that I forgot I'm so sorry!" or something like that, right? We were at my grandmother's wake this past year on my 7 year old's birthday and of course my parents forgot about his birthday and my mom remembered towards the end of the night and was upset that she forgot with everything going on and told him so. He said "that's OK Mimi" and moved on.

People forget things...why is that such a big deal? Tell your daughter that you're sorry that her feelings were hurt but that this is not the last time someone will forget something important to her and that she will most definitely have times in her life where she'll forget something that's important for someone she loves. We forgive and forget and she certainly will not be holding a grudge and be a drama queen on Thanksgiving by not speaking to her grandmother. Neither one of you should say anything. It was a mistake and an opportunity to forgive quickly and completely and move on.

How about thinking the best instead of the worst?

How about modeling for your daughter the concept of "giving people the benefit of the doubt" when they make a mistake and especially when they honestly own up to it?

You have that opportunity here. Please, please don't miss that chance, and end up letting this become something that your 10-year-old will brood over. You can teach her to forgive and also respect her elders through this..

Is MIL getting on in years? How is her overall health? (If you say it's great, well, is there a chance that it isn't and you and husband haven't asked for a while?....) Isn't it possible that she has other things on her plate this week of all weeks? Doctor appointment, Thanksgiving prep, maybe she's worried about Christmas? Is she financially OK for sure, or do you and husband just assume all's well? Does she perhaps tend to forget other things and this is just the first time the forgotten thing happens to be a birthday? In other words -- can you cut her some slack on this and work with your daughter so she does the same?

What I'm getting at: She's still grandmother, and she was open and honest about the oversight (and that is all it is--an oversight, not an intentional slight towards your child, and your daughter needs to learn the difference once she gets past her initial hurt). Grandma might have issues going on about which you're not aware, issues that could have made her forget. This once. You don't say that this is a yearly problem or that she ignores your kids otherwise. So, again--cut some slack?

You bring up how she will "remind me for weeks" about the birthdays of the other kids -- Do you see that possibly she has their birthdays on her radar more than your kids' birthdays simply because, with the other kids being out of state, she has to remind herself to be sure to send their gifts or cards etc., but she knows she'll see your kids regularly and figures that'll be her "reminder" for them?

You are blessed to have a grandmother for your kids who can be in their lives. Especially since you all do see grandmother regularly, take care that your daughter is not rude to her grandmother at Thanksgiving-- talk with her about how grandma was honest and regretful with her about it. Grandma does not deserve either the cold shoulder or a lecture from a 10-year-old.

Be big about it and then forget it. Teach your child to remember: Someday you will make the same sort of innocent mistake with someone else, who will be hurt; none of us is perfect. Forgive and move on and do not dredge it up in conversation -- unless it's conversation with your husband to discuss whether grandma needs some help, if she has other more serious lapses.

Wow! I think this is a teachable moment about forgiveness for your daughter. I think you're being a little harsh.

What? I don't really understand what happened.

Your daughter doesn't want to talk to her on Thanksgiving? Where is this coming from, you or her?

Birthdays are important, but the woman is a grandma with 5 grandkids. Grandmas sometimes forget things. And that's what you need to tell your daughter.

Mom -- YOU set the tone for how your daughter reacts to things. If my kids' grandma had forgotten their birthdays, they wouldn't have thought much of it, because I wouldn't have made a big deal of it. And your daughter absolutely should not be so rude as to "not talk to her on Thanksgiving." That's worse than forgetting a birthday.

Yes, it's wrong for you to say something to your MIL --- the person you need to say something to is your daughter, and what you need to tell her is, "Yes, you WILL talk to grandma on Thanksgiving. Grandma's old, and forgets things, and you got plenty of happy birthdays and gifts from other people on your birthday."

Hurt feelings happen all the time in life, your daughter needs to learn how to deal with them. I completely agree with Suz, and EVERY OTHER RESPONSE YOU RECEIVED, which told you that you need to teach your daughter compassion and forgiveness.

Unanimous responses are rare on this site. I hope you listen, or you will raise a self-absorbed brat. That's harsh, but the thought of a 10 year old being allowed to ignore grandma on Thanksgiving gets my ire up.

You need to teach your daughter that these things happen. Everyone makes mistakes and forgets things, even parents and grandparents. It would be wrong for you or your daughter to say anything to grandma about it. She admitted her mistake. It is done. Ten years old is not too young to learn that the adults in their lives aren't perfect, and that the world does not revolve around them.

Your daughter needs to understand we do not live in a perfect world. Things happen. My mother occasionally would forget a child's birthday. Never a big issue. Now if you forgot that would be different. I hope she does not create a scene over Thanksgiving. Cut your MIL some slack. Lufe is way too short!

I think you've received a lot of good advice here.

The fact of the matter is that we are all human, and we make mistakes. We forget things from time to time. Maybe you can find something similar your daughter can relate to. Has she ever forgotten her homework? Probably. Did it mean that the homework wasn't important or that she didn't like her teacher? Probably not. :) It's part of living in this world -- understanding that we make mistakes, that even our most beloved people aren't perfect.

I do hope you heed Theresa N's very caring post. I think the other thing to consider is that this is a great opportunity to help your daughter practice skills that build resilience. Critical thinking~ "do you think Grandma forgot on purpose?" Self-reliance~ "I know you are feeling kind of sad about this, so what do you think you can do/think about to help you feel better?" and bringing it down to earth "I'll bet Grandma feels pretty terrible about forgetting.... and I'm sure she's feeling bad that you're upset. I also think you had some really fun parts of the day and that was only one very, very small part...." Perspective.

Remember, too, she may have been upset because, as we have seen on this forum, kids have very high feelings/big reactions on birthdays. Grandma made a faux pas indeed, but *we don't stop loving people or talking to people because they made a mistake*. And that's a VERY important lesson in the long run. If it were my child, I wouldn't talk about it any more unless they bring it up. If Grandma calls to say Hi on Thanksgiving, have her at least say hello-- teaching her to be gracious is important too.

Talk to your daughter about having compassion for those who have memory problems.

One of the ways we teach our children is to actually model behaviors.

Do you make mistakes, do you admit, you have just made a mistak to your child?

Have you ever made a really big mistake and admitted it to your child?

10 yrs old is she in 4 th or 5th grade? That is old enough to have empathy for those she loves the most. She must know grandmother adores her, but grandmother is not perfect, she is getting older and just because she forgot the date of the birthday, at least she admitted it and apologized. That was exactly how a person should respond. It does not take away from yor daughter to realize, people are not constantly thinking about her, even the ones that love her the most.

You know, not everyone makes a big deal about birthdays, because everyday is actually a gift.

Speak with your daughter about empathy, put this in her lap. Ask her what are each of the grandmothers birthdates, grandfathers birthdates? dads, your birthday? Will she know? If not there you go.. Does it mean she does not love them? Should the not speak with her in the future?

Nip this in the bud, I would not have let her behavior continue once she said this. You acknowledge her feelings and then you give her the other side of the coin. It is just a birthdate. It is not that grandmother does not love, care and would rather be able to remember, but as we get older, our memories start getting a bit weak. I will guarantee, you also will begin forgetting more and more important things in your 40's, 50's, and 60's.

It's ok for your daughter to be hurt, but it's equally important for you to help her understand that these things happen. We are all forgetful sometimes, and we all say and do insensitive things sometimes. She is allowed to be a little hurt, but she shouldn't let this affect Thanksgiving.

Grandma shouldn't have told your daughter she almost forgot, but she was probably nervous and embarrassed and flustered and wishes she hadn't said that to her.

Please don't make this out to be more than it is. Help your daughter to let it go.

Ditto Doris Day.

As your MIL ages, this won't be the last time she forgets something like this. It's part of life.

As to why she told your daughter that she forgot - please keep in mind that forgetting social niceties can also be a part of age-related memory loss.

And so yes, it IS wrong of either you OR your daughter to say something to your MIL about it. The only person you should be talking to is your daughter, to explain that as people get older, they forget stuff, and it's not personal.

It would never occur to me to be upset about this. Maybe because my family is generally pretty easily distracted. I used to have the dates all marked on the calendar for everyone's birthday (nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters, in-laws) and still forget to call. I remember this summer realizing it was my sister's birthday and sending her a quick text. They know not to take it personally.

There is nothing to say to your MIL. Nothing! You need to talk to your daughter. Maybe before you talk to her, think of a good story about someone forgetting something important and why. This isn't about not caring about your daughter, and it isn't even about being elderly and forgetful with age. It's about the fact that people get busy and sometimes lose track of time or the date or whatever.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened, and it won't be the last. Help your daughter to understand that your MIL forgetting has nothing to do with how much she loves her granddaughter. There is nothing to be upset about here. It's ok that she was sad, but there's no reason to be mad at Grandma.

I think everyone has given great advice about teaching your daughter to forgive and move on with her grandma. You shouldn't say anything since your mil most likely feels bad for forgetting. With family and friends sometimes you are just better off dropping things because when you focus on an issue too long it can turn something not so major into a huge thing.

In my family, just about everyone has made this mistake with our kids. Heck - we've done it too with our nieces and nephews! And that's just want it was - a mistake. You are allowed to make them. We all understand and forgive each other because that's what families do.

If it were my kid, I'd take her aside and tell her that she will speak to her grandmother on Thanksgiving and she will be gracious about it. That grandma is getting older and these types of things might happen more often, but that doesn't mean that grandma loves her any less.

I'm sorry but I think you and your daughter are being VERY dramatic and are totally in the wrong about this. Teach your daughter to forgive my goodness! Her grandma felt bad enough, be nice. My mom is terrible about remembering my kids birthdays. I always have to remind her!

Here is the thing I don't understand, my parents, my ex's parents have forgotten my kids birthdays from time to time. My children never cried, were never crushed, they just figured it was human error. After all if I didn't remind them or if a birthday party wasn't planned they would forget their grandparents birthdays as well. They know they love their grandparents and still forget so why would they think it was anything more than forgetfulness when the roles are reversed.

Yes their grandma has sent them a card two weeks late with a note saying sorry I forgot. Still no tears.

You may not realize it but you are doing something to make her so emotional. You make remembering about love and it just should not be that way. You make such a big deal about birthdays, family, love that not feeling that way about birthdays has become a sign of lack of caring. That isn't fair on your kids.

Just explain that grandma doesn't consider birthdays to be such a big deal but she still loves her. That is what is best for your child.

Okay just started reading other answers and saw the comment grandma should apologize. I am pretty sure your mother in law didn't say hah! I forgot, naya naya naya. I figured she said I am so sorry I almost forgot your birthday which is a perfectly natural and loving thing to say.

I'm sure your MIL told her she forgot because she didn't want your daughter to think she remembered but just didn't care. IMHO, your MIL did the right thing - told your daughter the truth.

I can understand her feelings being hurt, but to make this big of a deal out of it is ridiculous. Sorry, but I am raising my GD who is 11 and I've watched her deal with her father not acknowledging her birthday. She didn't cut off communication with her father. She felt her feelings, I acknowledged them, and she moved forward.

If I were you, I would have to tell my daughter to put it behind her. It is not a reflection on how much her grandmother loves her, it was a simple mistake. Your daughter is going to have to realize that people are not perfect and she is not the center of the universe. People are going to forget things; her feelings are going to be hurt; that's life.

No, you should not say anything to your MIL. I imagine she feels bad enough.

I would talk to my kid. I would tell her that I understood that she wasn't feeling too friendly toward Grandma right now, but that "punishing" Grandma for the mistake wouldn't make anything better. There's a quote commonly attributed to Budda that goes "holding onto anger is like holding onto a hot coal." In other words, she can continue to be angry, but she's mostly hurting herself.

What your DD doesn't realize is that we all forget things sometimes or get confused. Grandma is not infallible. Nobody is. And 10...that's such a weird age. Not really little girl. Not yet teen. Emotions run high.

Now, no, Grandma did not have to say she forgot, but maybe she was trying to say so as way of apology. Either way, I would encourage my child to talk to her grandmother. And if she doesn't want to, she should at least be instructed not to ruin Thanksgiving for everyone else. No big dramatic scenes, or she then becomes the problem more than the initial slight.

G.,

I haven't read any of the other responses yet. This is just my first reaction on reading your post.

I think you should cut your MIL a break. I'm sure she feels badly enough already. How old is she? Memory DOES change through the years, and the changes aren't always consistent (to your point that she remembers other grandchildrens' birthdays).

Your daughter's hurt feelings are legitimate, of course, but now is a good time to teacher her about forgiveness, acceptance, and the fact that our family and friends are not perfect and will make mistakes but we still love them anyway. This is an important teaching opportunity to show her that our love for family is not rooted in what they do or don't do for us, but something much deeper.

Hurt feelings over one mistake cannot cancel years of love, nurturing, and shared experiences. Help your daughter process her feelings and learn to move past this. It's really an important life lesson.

Hope all of you have a very happy and peaceful Thanksgiving.

J. F.

Sometimes birthdays are forgotten. Now, if it were on purpose, that's different.

I understand your daughter's feelings were hurt but please don't let her hold a grudge over this.
Your daughter needs to learn that people make mistakes, and that her grandmother did not purposely try to hurt her feelings.
I would be very disappointed if my kids harbored anger over their grandma over something like this. At ten she's old enough to realize her birthday is not the most important thing in the world, and that when our feelings get hurt we forgive and move on.

My inlaws forget my kids birthdays routinely (their birthdays are 4 days apart). The only way they remember is if we have a party for them and they get an invitation. We just explain to my 7 year old that they are older and forget things sometimes. That just happens when you get older.
If she feels compelled to say something to your MIL, let her. But I would first explain to her that sometimes it happens. The better lesson here would be for your daughter to give her a hug and say "It's ok that you forgot my birthday. I love you." and move on. Nothing can be done about it now, and surely your MIL feels bad about it. Hope this helps. :)

I am a mother and I did a "16 Candles" to my son who was turning 18.

We had just gotten back from overseas and were in the process of finding a house for our items and living in billeting (temporary housing) for three weeks. Hubby and I did find a house and it was on our son's birthday. Our daughter asked us if we forgot something like our son's birthday? We looked at each other and had a shocked looked upon our face - YES - we did forget due to the importance of finding us a home.

After a few tears and apologies we did have a very nice party. So it can happen to the best of us.

So have your daughter dry her eyes, you and she make it good on grandma and enjoy a very thankful dinner about having family to love as many people don't.

Happy holidays,

the other S.

It may be a great teaching moment for you about forgiving those we love when they've made mistakes. Have a chat with her , acknowledge her hurt feelings and move on.

Ask your MIL if a reminder from you next year would helpful.

I would use it as a learning opportunity for your daughter, she's 10 and should be old enough to understand that everyone makes mistakes and that even people that love her can forget things. The bigger deal you make it, the bigger deal it will be. For her to be so "crushed" she doesn't want to talk to her on Thanksgiving would be a red flag that she's going a little over the top on the dramatics. Yes, it's ok to be sad and disappointed, but now she has the chance to be the bigger person and forgive Grandma for the oversight.

Okay, well first of all I think you were in the wrong to make that statement in front of your daughter. If I said that in front of my daughter, also 10, I'd expect the same reaction. Ten year olds are full of emotions and hormones are starting to kick in, plus elevated drama...so I think you made it worse by saying that right in front of her, like you wanted her to know or something.

I think the fact that Grandma still spoke with her ON her birthday is good. Honestly, my MIL called a couple of days AFTER my daughter's first birthday and asked if it was coming up soon. That was a tough time for our family on a lot of levels and I never said anything about it bothering me, but it did. But that was actually forgetting.

You need to teach your daughter that forgiveness is important, her being angry about this is kind of unreasonable...hurt? Sure! But angry? I don't get that. It's not like she said "I refuse to remember your birthday"...she is older (I'm assuming) and forgot. It happens. She does have her own life and things slip sometimes. Granted this is a big one, but teach your daughter how to handle these feelings in a way that will serve her well, versus leaving her hurt and mad.

ETA: Maybe I misread your post at first. I thought you said that YOU mentioned on the phone that Grandma didn't need to tell your daughter she almost forgot, not Grandma wanted to tell her she almost forgot. So Grandma told her or your daughter only knows because you made that statement in her presence?

Leigh R. is right. I also agree with Theresa ")N.

"I just don't understand why she would find it necessary to tell a 10-yr-old she forgot it was her granddaughters birthday."
- MIL wasn't thinking.
- MIL thought being honest was better… to explain why the call came so late.
- MIL didn't realize GD would be devastated (if she did, she would not have admitted the truth)
- MIL hates your daughter (doubtful - so you can blame human error)

You might need to forgive your MIL also.

I know your daughter is little and she was hurt. Remind her that she is blessed to have a grandmother. Remind her that people are not perfect. Everyone makes mistakes!!! Forgetting was a mistake. Remind her that her grandmother loves her SO SO much! Your MIL sounds distracted. I'm very distracted. My family gets angry with me. It's NOT personal against them. It's MY issue. I've got lots of balls juggling in the air at once and if one drops (or "oops I forgot") family gets angry with me. They are right to get angry. Everyone needs feedback. I appreciate the feedback, but it has to be done in the right manner.

Don't go to MIL angry "you hurt my baby." Instead approach her with a friendly, loving heart and explain to her she was so hurt (but don't blame MIL - she'll sense it a mile away). See if MIL can give her a little extra attention (TLC) on Thanksgiving.

Can you be honest with you MIL? Can you tell her that it's a bit strange she reminds you for WEEKs about the other birthdays and she forgot her granddaughters. Hopefully this will help her realize she really needs to step up and give her granddaughter extra TLC this year.

I think you should face this head on and deal with it so it doesn't happen again. It's difficult for a 10-yr-old to express themselves sometimes, so you should do it first, but very tactfully. No anger on your part. Do it in the spirit of "hey, we have a little problem here (all smiles and a loving heart, you want the best for both of them, not just one), what can we do to make it better?"

Do you send MIL lots of pictures? I send mine. MIL loves seeing them. That helps to keep my kids fresh in her mind. Next year, spend a few weeks ahead of time calling your MIL to remind her. :) She would probably appreciate it! I forget relatives birthdays too!

Your daughter: don't nurse her feelings of resentment. They can lead to bitterness, envy (of cousins) and feeling sorry for herself. Nip that in the bud! Build her up! Help her to overcome this.

I have a sister and for her birthdays are a big deal. She takes it very personally how people react to her birthday (if they forget, if they call or not, send a gift or not, etc…) Me? I could care less. If people remember, yeah that's awesome and sweet, but I don't hold it over people's heads. That's not fair or right. And I remind myself every day how grateful I am for the things in my life. I don't need 1 present a year to feel good. Every day is a blessing from God.

Knowing my sister, I now know to send her LOTS of gifts (little things, silly things, heartfelt things… AND flowers delivered to her door because she is in another state) and she is so grateful and it means a lot to her.

is she in a situation (far away, older, forgets things often, unorganized) that makes this the norm? Or does it really seem like she doesnt care. I often wonder about my MIL and whether she cares or not. Last year she went to vegas for my daughter's 5th birthday because she "thought we weren't doing anything." We have always done SOMETHING (even a small family dinner) but whatever. She still never acknowledged her birthday to her. I will not point it out to my daughter because I will let her develop her own opinion. This year she texted hubby the day before saying she couldnt come because she was sick AND her car was in the shop. The more BS it is the more excuses she gives. Its been 3 weeks and no mention of acknowledging her birthday. So again letting my daughter form her own opinion. Whenever I see my MIL next I will probably let her know that maybe my daughter doesnt notice it yet but someday it will and her actions will cement the relationship they have. It will be her (MIL) choice based on her actions that show what kind of relationship it will be. I would for sure say something with your daughter's blessing though.

I have not read the responses but my take is to help her not be a drama queen and at the same time teach her how not to be passive aggressive but rather to ask for what she needs from those she loves.
Her response was her response, she was hurt and she cried. Grandma did what she did, no sense in analyzing what she aught to have done differently. So move forward from there.
Encourage your daughter to do one of two things: forgive and let it go, or get if off her chest and let her Grandma know she has hurt feelings so grandma has an opportunity to make it better. Help her recognize her passive aggressive plans to give grandma the silent treatment and help her learn how to ask for what she needs rather than sulk.

Well, why did she forget? Like others have said, is she older and having memory problems or was she just thoughtless? Your daughter has a right to her feelings and I can understand being upset at that age. However, this is not worth ruining Thanksgiving over... Hopefully, Grandma has an apology at the ready when they see each other...

I'd be upset too if I were 10 and that happened. I feel so sad for your little one.

If she has an email account then use an online calendar that works with her email. Such and google calendar with a gmail address or a yahoo calendar with a yahoo email address.

Put the dates on for all your family members birthdays and even add the other kiddos too so she'll look at it more often and get in the habit.

When you put the day as a birthday you can add people and invite them to the event. Add her email address and then do a reminder 3 days before or 2 days before, then again on the day. You can put "call XXX and tell her happy birthday" or some other message like that too.

If she doesn't have an email account that she uses regularly then you might just buy a calendar and put all your birthday's on it. I would probably add a small snap shot of that person too to add a visual reminder.

I think I would talk to my daughter rather then my MIL, acknowledge the hurt, offer comfort, then point out that forgetting a birthday does not mean her grandmother loves her any less or that she is not important. It means grandma made a mistake, just like we all do from time to time. A relationship to a grandparent is so much more than one birthday. Help your daughter move past it and learn to be gracious is the face of other's failings. That will stand her in good stead in the future.
I don't know how old your MIL is, but this might be a warning sign to keep an eye on. Perhaps she keeps reminding you of the other birthdays in an attempt to remember them herself because she feels her memory starting to slip.

I think your daughter's feelings of disappointment are quite valid. Like most children, she holds her grandmother on a pedestal. Those first moments when a child realizes someone they look up to isn't perfect, it causes them to re-evaluate that relationship. She will still love her grandmother, but she now has more realistic expectations. It can be a sad lesson to learn, but one that happens to all of us. Let her know that her feelings are just fine, but what she does with them is the true lesson. Holding a grudge will only make her feel worse, but be patient with her as she works through it. I think many women forget that our strong personalities were developed by going through things like this, and it takes time to get there. She's only 10, and she is just beginning her journey of navigating a world of complicated social relationships. Telling her to suck it up and deal with it (as so many in this thread have suggested) doesn't TEACH her how to deal with it. I hope she is feeling better and that you have a good holiday.