Sarcastic and Forgetful Husband

Hi A.,

I too am a military wife (my husband's a recruiter so I can relate to the VERY long hours) and I think you should take the high road. Don't buy him exactly what he wants, but you should acknowledge his birthday and celebrate with a nice family dinner. He will have no room to complain with that, and you won't feel bad. Now, what I did with my husband who is VERY bad at remembering small family stuff, schedules, etc, he has a planning guide with all his appointments and meetings. He looks in this thing all the time. I just started putting stuff that I wanted him to remember in there. That way I know that he won't forget because it is there to remind him. And talk to him about how you feel. He probably doesn't realize how important this is to you. Ask him how he would feel if he were in your shoes. The military also has retreats for couples and there are support groups for wives and counseling may be something you can look into.

Good luck and hang in there!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi A.,

Well I know where you are comming from my ex husband did that to me one time only he did end up getting me something.
I'm not a heartless person either but maybe he should see how it feel's, i would get him a little something from your daughter and nothing from you on his birthday thow,and maybe the day after or a couple day;s after give him a gift.
Just t o let him see how it feel's,maybe then he would realize how it feel's. If I were you I'd go out and buy my own gift and if he said anything about the money I would just say thank you for the present. LOL I would make sure he see's what it's like. Good luck and please let me know what happen's.
C.
Can e-mail me at ____@____.com

Now this is just ME ... but I would SOOOOO wrap up something in masculine paper (WAY girly) that YOU wanted from him on your birthday & give it to him.

Then when he opens it, snatch it out of his hands & yell, "OMGosh! You shouldn't have! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! How DID you know??? I love it! I love it! I love it! Yea me! You are so stinking THOUGHTFUL! That is why I love you! Thank you, LOVE" Followed by big sloppy kisses & hugs. Then give him a sly smile & a wink & hand him his "real" gift. (The receipt. JUST KIDDING! Noooo ... for real ... a REAL B-day present for him ... he'll get the picture. I guarantee it.)

Happy birthday. I am a former Military wife and honey with everything that is going on your husband probably feels like the weight of the world is on his shoulder. This exact thing happened with us. Make his birthday special but simple with just a cake and special dinner. Then next celebration make all of the arrangements, Such as babysitter and dinner reservations at the club. Then state very calmly what you want and ask him if he would like you pick up the gift or if he can pick up your present. Then once you get the gift then respond with lots of affection and tell him how much you appreciate the gift and MOST importantly him. If these things are important to you then your going to have to plan them. Some men are great at planning these little things some aren't. Mine isn't so I do it and he's VERY apprecative and I get great bragging rights of what a great birthday I had
a little history of us is that we have been married for seventeen years and served six years after our marriage with the united state air force. The two oldest children were born on Macdill AFB and our youngest two were born after our service. My husband's commanding officer gave all of the wives lunch one day and told us that we had to be strong for them because they were scared enough without us being needy. You know that applies to more then war situations.

YOU SHOULD KILL HIM WITH KINDESS AND THEN MAYBE HE WILL FEEL REALLY BAD FOR FORGETTING YOUR BIRTHDAY!

Hi A.,
My heart just goes out to you! I know that I would personally have a VERY difficult time letting go of my anger and not "getting even." I would say be the bigger person and get him something small from both of you and let him know how much you treasure him and appreciate how hard he works for the family. Let him know that the small things really matter to you.
Good Luck.
P. L.

I totally agree with you and know exactly how you feel. My birthday was on Sunday and my husband did not get me anything nor did he even tell me happy birthday. I was heartbroken. I always get him birthday cards and father's day cards from me and then a card from each of the kids. Of course we all get him a present and have cake and ice cream. I thought the exact same thing yesterday. His birthday is 2 days after Christmas so should I just accidentaly forget also? Well if it helps any HAPPY BIRTHDAY:)

Hi A.,

You sound like a genuinely nice person who has been hurt by someone she loves. My advice to you is to not let yourself act according to anyone's else's standards but your own. Just do what you would think is the right way to celebrate your husband's birthday - a gift from you and your daughter, cake, card, whatever you would normally do. Sooner or later your husband will see that you are true to yourself and that he is fortunate to have someone like you.

Good luck!

My boyfriend and I agreed in the very beginning of our relationship to not buy each other gifts for birthdays, valentine's day, Christmas. We go out to eat and a movie or concert for birthdays and other holidays except Christmas and for Christmas we shop together and buy what we want and things for the house. Might not work for everyone, but it works for us and both get exactly what we want! :) Good luck!

I understand your predicament. You don't want to feed in to the rage and start a tradition of revenge but at the same time you don't want to let your husband think he can totally forget about your special day w/o any shown remorse and expect the Royal Treatment for his birthday. Pretty callous and inconsiderate, but I'm full of unrequested opinions! I think you have the right idea of just getting him something small from your little girl. You can even let her pick it out ( I have a 2 year old also and he LOVES to buy stuff so he's well aware of the meaning of the word!) and that should be special to him. But as far as you going out and having a throw down celebration for him with all the trimmings, including the gifts he's been hinting at, would seem a little overboard not to mention undeserved. I understand his forgetting, God knows he's not the first husband in history to do so, but he could have rectified the oversight by making any type of gesture to make up for it. If he's been around you for 5 years and has paid any attention at all to your mannerisms then he should have been able to pick up on the fact that you were not only disappointed but also hurt by his forgetfulness. And you even told him how you were feeling, which was the right thing to do. But if you're afraid this may trigger a vengeful tradition, you could tell him one last time that his actions really hurt you and you hope it's not repeated next year. If you can forgive and put it aside then more power to you! I am not that type of person but you'll notice my description does not include the word "married". My concern is that he should be aware that you deserve, at the very least, an acknowledgement of your birthday. Since you aren't a rude person I would think it would hit home that much harder if you were demonstrative of your feelings through your plans for his birthday and maybe next year he won't be so quick to laugh it off. Just some friendly advice with which you are free to do as you please! Take care and I hope everything works out well for you!!

Well I wouldn't get him anything! Maybe something from your daughter but that is all. My first husband was that way and the more I tried to acknowledge his special days, even when he didn't do for me, I thought he'd feel bad and it didn't work. So I quit.
I am also a military wife. Where are you located?

Hi, A.. Happy Belated Birthday! Sorry to hear about that. I talked with my husband about your email and asked his opinion. He suggested getting a card and giving it to him for his birthday and telling him how you feel. My suggestion is to NOT do anything for his birthday. Let him ask you about it and then tell him that is how you felt and say you need to sit down and talk about special days and how you want them to be celebrated. What are his and what are yours. That is if he is and can be reasonable and open to this. I don't think that you are being childish. You are in a relationship and you are telling him your needs and he should respond. Hope it goes well. I will say that my husband and I went to counseling and it helped tremendously with dealing with issues that can get sticky. We went before we were married and have been married 9 happy years.

A.,
Hi. I'm sorry to say this, but your husband sounds selfish and uncaring to me. I know people forget important dates, but he should have made some effort (ANYTHING) to make it up to you, instead of acting like he could care less. As they always say, communication is key, so you need to tell him how hurt you are by his actions. If he still acts like your feelings are a joke, than you need to reevaluate your marriage. I am a former military wife,(my husband is out now)but we stayed in the area. Please let me know if you need anything. I have a 22 month old daughter and I babysit. :)

my husband and i have been married for 4 years..he remembered my birthday once when he was in Iraq and once when he was home.....to get him back so to speak i decided to make the biggest deal for his birthday...i threw a huge party and invited all of MY friends....our families...totally made a huge deal of his birthday....of course everyone had known about him forgetting mine and would say things like i am surprised she did this for you considering...... it totally made him feel bad and i just smiled like i had no idea why he felt bad. i didnt end up looking like a mean person...just the opposite ...and he got the point...and i got a beautiful necklace too.

I am so sorry that he did that because I know how very hurt you are. Please know that what he did was not about your birthday. This manifested from something other than your birthday. He is fearful and hurt from something else that is going on in your marriage and he took the immature yet very human approach by hurting you. I would recommend sitting down with him and say that you have common goals in the marriage (List what those goals are). He will probably look at you in a strange way at first. You must establish a "safe" environment for him to be open. I would also get him a card and tell him how special he is to you. Then I would get a small birthday gift from your daughter. Please don't ignore his birthday - you will certainly harm your marriage. There is a WONDERFUL book called Crucial Conversations that is helpful in every relationship. I hope this helps. I wish you happiness.

W.

I had a similar experience at Mother's Day. My husband was mad at me over something stupid when Mother's Day rolled around and didn't get me anything, from him or our 2 kids. Like you, I was so hurt. I felt like he was indirectly saying that I was a bad mother. A few weeks later I brought it up casually and he said that he didn't get me anything b/c I wasn't around on Mother's Day. (He had to work, so I spent the day with my mom. It was just a lame excuse and made me even more angery that he just couldn't admit that we was wrong.)

Anyway, on Father's Day I got him a small gift and card from the kids. I felt like it would make an even bigger impact on him if I chose to be the bigger person and not act like a childish brat like he had been.

Just as a side note, my husband works all the time (sometimes as much as 75-80 hours per week.) When he is stressed and getting overwhelmed at work, I'm always the one he takes it out on - it's too bad but inevitable with his personality.

One more note: Today is our 7 year anninversary. He left for work this morning at 6:30 am and probably won't be home until 7:00 pm tonight. We have no plans to celebrate it in anyway. Occasions like anniversaries and birthdays are REALLY important to me and he could care less. You would think that he would be more considerate to me since he knows it's important to me. I'm not in to expensive gifts, I just want to reflect back and celebrate the occasion, however after this many years I've just come to accept it.

Good luck and I think it's better to take the high road!!

I wouldn't tell him you forgot because it would validate his forgetfulnes. Don't get him more than a card and if he complains, tell him it was hurtful that he didn't do anything for you so you didn't feel you needed to go out of your way to get him anything.
Call a girlfriend and go out for a nice dinner or go get a massage. There no reason you shouldn't get anything for your birthday. Or take your daughter out for a late birthday celebration. Don't tell her that Daddy didn't care enough to remember, just tell her you want to do something special with her as a birthday celebration between the two of you. She's not going to remember at 2 1/2 anyhow.
Good luck:)
S.

Hi! I'm sorry but that was sooo rude of your husband. You are right- 2 wrongs don't make a right BUT, I would no doubt chose to ignore his birthday this year. I'd let him know that it was your understanding that you were not to make a big deal of birthdays (at least not adult b-days) and you had no idea he might actually be hurt. Maybe he'll realize that it does hurt. As for your daughter- I'd let her make him a card or something. I would not assist her and let him know that you helped out. I'd let it come directly from her. Anyways, hope you guys work it out. I have to say, you deserved more than a sarcastic response. He should have been begging for your forgiveness!!!!! N. H.

I'm so sorry your husband was such a jerk for your birthday. and you're right, 2 wrongs don't make a right, but, personally I'd have a really hard time buying a gift for someone that thought so lightly of my feelings and acted the way your husband did. I would probably get him something *small* from your daughter and nothing from you. but, that's just me...

I hope he realizes what a jerk he was and makes it up to you at some point. Good Luck.

Hey there, although I agree with your feelings, you are right two wrongs don't make a right. You have to remember you are raising a little girl. You want to do the right thing by her. Give daddy something from her at least. That way you are meeting your feelings in the middle. Something from daughter and show of feelings from wife. Also I always say "kill'em with kindness" that-a-way it will never haunt you.

I'm sorry for the hurt you have experienced. I have been there but fortunately it was with a 4 year relationship unrelated to marriage. From being married to a thoughtful man for six years, even we have been through couples retreats to make sure we are giving our best to one another. Because women are emotional beings and men are more factual and need affirmation we as women can express our feelings in a way to our husbands that cause them to shut down, feel inadequate for making a mistake, and belittle them. However tempting it is to give your husband a taste of what you felt, I can assure you it will not make him feel the same way. Men think and feel in much different ways than women do.

Is it safe to assume that when you were hurt that you made him feel guilty and bad for forgetting and that it probably escalated to maybe you raising your voice or asking how he could be so insensitive? Hopefully there were no name calling or curse words exchanged which would just make this situation worst. When a wife reacts to a husband’s forgetfulness we tend to forget that it may not have been on purpose and their intention would not be to hurt us. However, when they feel "stupid" for forgetting and we yell or make them "pay" for forgetting with words and our actions it puts them on the defensive and with most men the reaction we get back is sarcasm and the need to hurt us with words since they know that's how they can get us back since we are sensitive to what they say.

Women have such a way of making their husbands "pay" for not calling when they are going to be late, not remembering an important date, not disciplining the children right, for not spending enough time with the family, etc. just by the way we can pounce on them or not to mention how we can hold a grudge or make them feel worst than they already do that men can't win. So eventually they already have their guard up before they get home or after we've asked them to do something because most likely it won't be done right or there is no affirmation and building up time for our husbands when they walk in the door.

Extend your husband grace for this. Try and take time to sit and talk to him. Let him know how it made you feel (don’t' tell him how HE made you feel) but just the situation. Tell him you know he works hard. Affirm him that you too have also forgotten birthdays (maybe not a spouse but still someone specials birthday, we all one time or another). Tell him you are sorry for the way you reacted and you didn't mean to hurt him. That's to say that you did yell at him and make him feel worst. See what type of reaction you get. Not sure if this will be easy for you. You can also pick up a book called "For Women Only" It's written by Shaunti Feldhahn. Wonderful book, very short so you could possibly read it on a weekend. There is "for Men only book too written by the same woman and her husband. Maybe this could help you both to read each book and have some discussion. I recommend it highly!!!

P.S Sometimes when people try so hard not to make a mistake they mess up worst. By your anger or revenge it not going to make him want to do anything next year or he will remember your birthday, buy you a gift (but maybe not from the heart) he may purchase it only to stay out of trouble. The saddest part is, when things like this happen on significant days, everytime the day rolls around the next year, the memory comes back to the one that was blamed for making a mistake. Please move forward and do it with mercy and grace

Hi A.,

I understand your frustration with your husband since I have gone through the exact same thing. Let me tell you a little about my situation.

In 5 years of marriage, my husband has never remembered my birthday, our anniversary, or mother's day. I used to remind him and he would just smart off like your husband did and it would hurt my feelings too. He would tell me that it is "just a man thing" not to remember important days. However, he sure would start dropping hints for his birthday months in advance.

So what have I done about it? I don't get him anything. When he starts dropping hints, I tell him maybe he should save his money and buy it.

However, we do have 2 children and I think it is important for them to acknowledge their dad's birthday. I either have them make something or we go to the store and get something little. They always pick out something my husband really won't want, but that is the fun of getting gifts from your kids!

Hope this helps in some way. You are not alone!

K.

As aweful as you must feel and justified to give him the same... You need to be the better person. Show your daughter the right way to treat someone. Our world is full of anger and resentment, people not deserving kindness. If you treat him the way he deserves, you are no better. But when we treat others with kindness that don't necessarily deserve it, we are raised to a higher level. Teach your child to be a better person, with your actions. You will be rewarded, maybe not by your husband, but God sees your efforts and will send you blessings to fill the empty spaces your husband leaves. Your husband may realize his error from your kindness, you wont get anything but anger if you give him what he deserves. Stop the cycle of "getting back" before it starts.
God bless you!!!

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I read some of the responses, and one thing that stuck out was, the ones telling you to give him a dose of his own medicine and not get him anything, all said they were divorced!! That should say something there in itself! The gifts are not the issue... My suggestion is if you want your marriage, Seek counseling! It saved my marriage! (and my family!) Good luck with everything. (Treat others as you would want to be treated. Including your husband...)

My husband is also in the military and very forgetful. I'm not making excuses for him because he's always been forgetful but he's also on rotating shift work so he never knoews what day it is. I have two calendars in our house, one is in his closet so he sees it everyday and I put important things on both, birthdays, our son's doctor appointments, stuff like that and he really has gotten better. The fact that your husband didn't seem sorry is kind of troubling. If I were you I would get him something from your daughter and get yourdelf something nice for your birthday.

Im generally a 'rise above the others' type of person. But I've been there on this subject sortof. My husband wouldn't put alot of thought into my gifts, but when it came time to reap his own benefits he wanted 'the best'. Here's what I do: I tell him "my birthday's coming up - I want something like _____ and it should cost around _____; but whatever you get me I will enjoy - just remember I'll try to get something of equal value for your birthday/holiday." As for this go round, I'm thinking you should get him a card - and cook him a meal!!! No gifts. And when he says something, be very sincere and tell him " I just thought we weren't making a big deal of our birthdays anymore... after mine and all. " Be oblivious to his 'wants' and let him know in a kind way - what's good for the goose, good for the gander. Keeping in mind that your daughter gets him something SHE picks out! Show her some choices and let her get pick it - that way it's really from her!! Good luck - and I'll be sure to read other suggestions. I think it's almost typical of a male to read less into holidays then women. But no mention of it is truely rude of him. And to say "get over it" would almost welcome you going and splurging on yourself and saying "happy birthday to me!". Lots of luck!!!

hi A. my name is L. and if that would have happened to me i would diffently be rude and forget his birthday and make him feel the hurt that you felt and i wouldnt even take time out of myday to wish him none of your blessing for his birthday.do him the exact same way he did u . L.
( tell city mom )

My husband didn't get me anything last year for my b-day. I would have been happy with just a card.....but didn't get one of those either. He kept saying "Im gonna get you something when I have a day off. " I waited weeks finally I ordered a $3,000 exercise machine and when it came I told him "Thanks for the gift!" (Bet I get a gift this year-) Also, when his b-day came I didn't get him anything.

OK, now this is probably not a very popular response, BUT...
I would not do anything for his birthday this year. AFTER his birthday, the two of you should sit down and agree on what types of things you are going to do to celebrate your birthdays. "I expect this.... I would like that..." and come to an agreement on how you will handle BOTH birthdays. For years M. husband did nothing for M. birthday despite M. outright telling him it was important to me. For years I made him king for a day on his birthday hoping he would take note and do the same for me. Then one year I did nothing. He was taken aback. After his birthday passed we sat down and decided how to handle birthdays. We go out to dinner now. But me doing for him was not going to change his not doing for me.
Again, not the touchy feely "proper" response!!

As much as it sucks, all women deep down DO know that guys are not good at remembering events, whether it be our birthday, anniversaries, or other special days. It's just how it is, and as unfair as it seems, it's never worth our hurt because it will never change. I truly believe that it's the biggest reason why God chose women to be the ones to deliver the babies. Babies need constant love and attention, no matter what they take from us. Men just can't give themselves like women do. They are generally self absorbed and only know things like the first day of football season, or how long it's been since their favorite team won the playoffs last. They just aren't built to remember things that don't benefit them. We love them anyway, and they're lucky for that. You know what I did? I made his email password our anniversary!!! I figured he wouldn't forget that way! I still know that I have to tell him it's coming though, because even though he does know the date, he'll still not put two and two together when the day comes.

As much as it sucks, try to just tell yourself that it's not that he doesn't think you're special or want you to feel special, it's just that unless you are walking around naked with a sign covering the important parts that say "it's my birthday tomorrow, don't freaking forget!" They are just more likely not to remember!!

I am so sorry for you that your feeling are hurt. That would really upset me too. I would take the high road and treat his day special - Then later on when things have settled. I would gently and politely explain to him that your feelings were very hurt and that it means a lot to you to be acknowledged especially on your birthday. I really hope he grows a little more mature soon - he should treat you the way he wants his daughter to be treated by her boyfriends. She will likely choose guys that are similar to him!

Laughing off his forgetfulness instead of apologizing and then expecting you to still do something for his birthday says to me that you two have issues other than just this. He obviously feels that his needs are more important than yours and that you will understand and just get over it. You need to let him know that you are not a doormat and that you have feelings and needs too. Don't reward him for ignoring you by making this birthday the best he's ever had. If you let him get away with treating you like that, he's going to continue to do it. It's just like teaching a child or a dog how to behave. If you reward the bad behavior, it only reinforces it.

Did he bother to have your daughter pick out something for your birthday? Does she even know the difference?

If I were in your situation, I wouldn't do anything for his birthday. I'd act like I was completely oblivious to the fact that it was his birthday at all. Or if I were particularly angry, I'd make a meal comprised of dishes I know he hates and serve that for dinner. If he doesn't like meatloaf and lima beans, serve meatloaf and lima beans and tell him you made it just for him. ;)

If he wants special attention on his birthday, he'd better be willing to return the favor.