M.O. asks from Barrington, IL on May 11, 2009
"Mean" 6 Yr Old - What Would You Do?
Bit of a long post - but please read:
I had posted something about this before, and thanks to all of you, the "bullying" has pretty much stopped. My 5 yr old daughter and I have worked hard to get bullying/mean words from a fellow classmate to stop on the bus. This little girl has been harassing my daughter since October. She not only called my daughter names, told her she didn't like her/want to be her friends and THEN tried to engage other children on the bus to "not be friends" with my daughter. It was "if you want to be my friend, you can't be friends with her." I heard this not ONLY from my child, but also the mothers of the other two children that the "bully" sits with.
So, as I've said, we've found a way to make this stop. I don't for a minute think this little girl is an awful kid, nor her family. I think she was jealous and trying to find a way to "make" some friends and feel empowered. I think she is a nice child, who didn't know how to handle herself and wasn't being taught from home. However, here's my question...
This little girl (of course our ONLY neighbor with a similar aged child), is finally trying to be nice to my daughter. I wish I could say I think it's all genuine, however her "niceness" is not consistent and especially on the bus, she can still be downright mean. So do we "forgive and forget"? Do we accept playdate invitations or stop to play with her when she and her brothers are being nice or do we "move on" and not?
The reason we are struggling with this is because at home/in the backyard she has always been nice, friendly, etc. (So whenever us parents are around or grownups can see, she acts just fine, even friendly. And her family is very nice. They are our ONLY neighbors with grade school aged kids too.) I think part of this is because she likes my daughter and wants a playmate. However it appears (from other parents I've heard from) that my daughter is rather popular and well liked. That she gets lots of attention from the little boys. And it also seems that this little girl maybe doesn't. Not that she is treated badly by anyone, but she also doesn't get the attention either.
So I think this unfortunate experience has been the result of this little girl feeling frustrated and left out. That she was seeking attention by picking on my daughter and trying to "bring her down". All YEAR we have had this problem. The other mother was unwilling to address the issue, as she just saw it as "kids" stuff. Nothing major.
I really feel stuck. I don't want to ignore them, but at the same time that has been most of our approach this year. I have taught my 5 yr old that if someone can't be nice to her then we don't need to be friends with them or give them our attention. I have modeled this behavior by being polite at the bus stop, but NOTHING MORE.
I think this little girl has figured out that now that the weather is nice and we are all out playing more, that if she wants a friend, she ONLY has my daughter in our neighborhood. That she'll HAVE to be nice. Again, I don't think she's a mean kid, but I also don't appreciate/approve of her behavior or that of her parents, not getting involved. Do I ignore what's happened all year? Do I teach my daughter to "forget" how badly this little girl has made her feel all year and now just be friends with her?
Please help, I'd appreciate your insights.
1 mom found this helpful
So What Happened?™
Thanks for you advice. Well I am happy to say that the "bully" has turned on other kids on the bus and now the bus driver has noticed who is the troublemaker and is making her sit alone in a front seat without anyone to bother. The other mother also seems to have noticed that "things have changed" because she is now being short and avoiding us...waiting a bit longer to come out to the bus stop, hurrying back inside once the kids get off, and even picking her daughter up from school more frequently. Although this is not the "desired" outcome, I am relieved that my daughter is no longer being harrassed and that the "trouble maker" is the one now being put in her place.
It is unfortunate, I think, that the other Mom didn't want to get involved when I was trying to ask for a little help. Instead we now have two little girls who are classmates and neighbors who are "avoiding" each other.
On the other hand, I am happy that my daughter sees that she did the right thing standing up for herself, trying to tell the other girl "if you keep treating me this way, then don't bother calling me to come over because real friends don't treat each other like that", and that the other little girls on the bus are now all happy, not fighting and friendly with each other. I hope that we can continue to forge good friendships with the other girls throughout the summer.
Thank you to you all. I do in some small way feel like teaching my daughter the "right thing to do" actually worked out - FINALLY.
More Answers
L.A. answers from Chicago on May 11, 2009
I feel for you. I have 3 girls, and i have seen how mean girls can be to each other. I have told my girls as well, that if someone is not nice to you, then they should find someone else to play with.
I think maybe you could try having the girls play together, and see how it goes( if that is what your daughter wants). Have your daughter explain to the girl, that it was very hurtful the way she was treating her.
Maybe they can work things out.
It she starts being mean to your daughter again, then stop the relationship.
2 moms found this helpful
E.J. answers from Chicago on May 11, 2009
I second NW.
In other words, I would allow my child to play with her at my house to keep on eye on things, while also using this experience to teach my daughter (as well as the friend) about boundaries.
I think this is such a great "controlled" opportunity for your daughter to 'listen to her gut' (when words don't match a person's actions), practice being assertive (sticking up for herself and examining if it worked and why not), and setting limits with her friend (you're my friend now but what about when we are around...XYZ?). A secondary benefit may also be that the friend uses the opportunity to learn skills as well.
You sound like you are being a great role model yourself so continue your good work!!!
2 moms found this helpful
N.W. answers from Chicago on May 11, 2009
This reminded me of the situation I was in when I was about that age with the girl that lived down the street. She was nice to me, but would try to get the other kids not to be my friend because she was scared that I would become friends with them and then leave her out.
At that time our moms handled it by teaching me to see what she was doing and call her on it, and by reassuring her that we were good friends.
If I were you I'd allow your kids to play, but only at your house where you can keep an eye on things. And you could talk to your daughter about just "calling her" on her behavior should it happen on the bus. Kind of a "I know what you're doing" sort of thing. It worked for me when I was a kid! I remember saying "I know you told XXXX that I said some things about her that I didn't so we wouldn't be friends and leave you out. I just want you to know that I don't appreciate that, and that we ARE best friends and best friends don't treat each other that way." I remember this because my mom had me rehearse it over and over before I called her on the phone. And it worked.
Good luck! Girls can be so mean, and it doesn't get any easier...
1 mom found this helpful
K.L. answers from Minneapolis on July 03, 2009
"It takes a village to raise a child," they say. I think it's important to see that the "bully" needs help too, and to have compassion for her, even while pointing out "it's not OK to do XYZ." Both children will learn so much from a caring adult taking an approach of "We have a problem. How can we solve it?" rather than "I'm good. She's bad. Let's take our toys and go home." I know we want to be protective of our children--and in the long run I think the most protective thing we can do is teach ALL the children how to respect each other. If we don't do it when they're small, what will they be like in high school?
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