Marriage - Troy,OH

I think men need to be told specifically what you need them to do.

Try saying (on Sunday) "Don't make plans for Wednesday b/c we are going to dinner/playing games with/going to the park at 6:30."

Be specific--let him get in in his head that THAT day is not available for him to use to help someone out.

Any other talking about it/asking him to be around more is just going to be perceived by him as "noise" or "nagging." Good luck!

How about setting boundaries.....T, TH are FAMILY nites; M,W he can help neighbors, etc. This way, he can help neighbors and still be there for his family. Make Tuesday game night or whatever so that he "has plans" on specific nights and knows that those are family nights. Neighbors should understand and respect that.

Hi T.,

I think I am married to your husbands brotha from anotha motha. The word "no" just isn't in him. For the first several years of our marriage my husband was NEVER home. We are military so some of it was beyond his control. It was the stuff where he was constatnly making the choice to be gone that really got to me. That was the point that I had to make to him. I had to help him understand that everytime he was saying "yes" to someone else, he was telling us "no". And the really sad part was that one day his kids would quit asking for him, looking to him, wanting his time and there would be no one to say "no" to. There was a day that actually happened. He came home late one night and I was putting the baby to bed and our sons were playing a video game for 15 minutes before they went to bed. They had earned their game time and didn't want to stop. I was rocking a baby who was falling asleep and we couldn't drop what we were doing either. He was so sad and wanted to know why no one wanted to spend time with him. I just had to explain that the whole time he had been gone we had been there. During dinner, homework, family time, play time, bath time we had been available to spend time with him and HE was the one that had said "no" to us. That woke him up big time but he still didn't know how to say "no".

I helped him with that. I told him things he could say instead. For instance, "Tonight I promised my boys that I would play ball with them after they did their homework, but if you can wait until tomorrow I am happy to help out." or "I have an hour tonight but then I am spending some time with my wife. If you need more time I am available on Thursday." He isn't saying "no", he's just saying "not yet". I gave him some verbage he was more comfortable with.

I also put us on his calendar so that he could work around us. On Monday he knew he was helping our son with a history project, or on Wednesday he knew we were having family night with a movie. I even put me on there so that he knew of Saturday we were having "Matress Night" (we would pull our matress into the living room, stay up late watching movies, snacking, talking and just fall asleep right there in the living room.)

I will say it did no good to fight, yell, complain, withold affection. Then he just felt punished and like I was being unreasonable. We became oponents instead of partners. The more I helped him manage his need for approval and find balance, the more supported and accepted he felt, and the more accountable he felt to us to keep his family commitments. That's what worked for us.

Hope this helps,

L.

There are a few things you can do.
First, I'd make a journal and track all he does, for whom he does it, when he did it and how long it took (and how much money if any was spent on tools, materials, etc). This gives you (and him) an exact idea of how much time and effort he spends helping others. It might also be useful to track what people do for him. I think you and he might both be surprised how much (or how little) is reciprocated.
Second, see if you can become the manager of his schedule. In other words - you keep his 'free time' schedule and everyone who wants his help needs to come through you in order to get it. This might not be easy at first. You are going to have to get out there with him (with the kids if necessary) and talk with the friends/neighbors while he is. I've done this before. If he's working under a car, stand next to it and talk to your hubby and/or his buddies. If he's sawing some wood, put on some safety goggles and ask him questions about it in between the noise. Fixing a plumbing problem - be there to hand him a wrench. Firmly glue yourself to his side. If his buddies start to grumble - bring coffee and doughnuts - it shuts them up every time. Let them know where he goes - you will go, too.
Third, once you have become the manager of his schedule, start working in kids activities. "Sorry, Bob. My husband can't clean your gutters on Friday. Little Susie has a game that evening and it means so much to her that we are there to watch it. Maybe you can come and watch it too! Hubby's got an hour free Sunday morning. Can he do your gutters then?". Stuff like that.
Fourth - ask your husband if he would be interested in starting a Mr. Fix It business. That would mean charging a small fee for all the time and effort he's putting into his good deeds. If he's spending money on materials and tools, he needs to re-coop the cost somehow.
You are not going to convince him to slow down by just talking to him. You need to be able to measure it and show him in some quantifiable way (the journal) what he is doing. Once you control his schedule - you can control his downtime to a degree. And if it turns into a business - you've become his office manager and handle his time and books and accounting.
If he balks - ask him why he's married in the first place if he thinks he never needs to spend time with his wife and children? Some marriage counseling would be good if you can get him to go, but most likely he'd find another good deed to do and skip the sessions. Good luck!

explain it to him in terms like "Your wife has an issue that she needs help with. It's her marriage and it's suffering. Could you find time to help her?"

Tell him that you respect him and his generosity so much, but you need some of this time, too, before you become strangers in your own home.

If your daughters are old enough, I'd encourage them to tell him directly how they feel. It teaches them to stand up to a man for the sake of their emotional well being (something too few young women have practice enough to do) and opens the door of communication between daddy and daughter. It also makes him accountable to his girls. Now, don't tell them what to say, don't coach them, but if they complain to you, tell them to go ask daddy about it. Just know that it's a fine line between allowing them to speak for their emotions and pressuring them to speak for yours, you know what I mean?

Good luck.

While I do completely understand how you wouldn't like that, I just wanted to say I have the exact opposite problem. My husband is a very hard worker and does quite well at his job. He has head hunters after him a lot to come work for other companies. The problem is, outside of work, he's very anti social and hates being around other people unless it's family. I wish he were out chit chatting and helping with the neighbors (well maybe not ours:( and/or friends. Even though I'm a SAHM, I feel somewhat lonely cuz we don't get together with other couples for game night, drinks or whatever. So I guess I'm just saying I'm somewhat jealous of what you have.

T., I want you to know that what you're feeling is perfectly understandable. The expectation you have of your husband to spend the majority of his non-working hours with his wife and children is more than reasonable. I can't help but think there may be something deeper going on than your husband's desire to help someone in need. I'm wondering if he's emotionally needy himself and thrives on coming to someone's rescue and being the hero. Perhaps he battles with low self-esteem and questions his own significance. Or perhaps he's trying to avoid family life and sees helping others as a good excuse that relieves some of the guilt he feels for not wanting to be with his own family. Perhaps he just can't deal with certain aspects of his role as a father or even as a husband. If there are difficult dynamics in your home, avoidance may be his strategy for keeping the peace. Personally, there was a season when I would opt to leave the house for chunks of time after my hubby came home because I just found him so difficult to deal with. I could justify it because I'd go grocery shopping or take care of other necessities but what drove me most was my desire to keep the peace by steering clear of an argument.

I totally hear you when you talk about having emotional needs that are going unmet. Men sometimes don't get it that a woman needs to talk and have someone listen from time to time. A woman needs to experience love and often that equates to time spent together.

I think you need to have a conversation with your husband where you tell him what you need from him. Tell him what you miss when he's gone. Tell him that you feel jealous of the time he spends with others. And, tell him how this is affecting your children. A father's relationship with his daughters is crucial to their sense of self-worth. If they grow up thinking they weren't compelling enough to keep their Dad at home they will probably spend a lifetime trying to get male attention...and that's never good. Have a heart to heart with him. See if you can negotiate what you need. Perhaps you can ask him for just 2 or 3 evenings a week that you can count on him being there.

I wish you much favor when you speak with him.

K.

You have to communicate that to him. My husband was the same way (well, out with softball and bowling and helping out friends) and when the kids finally started saying things to him, he started staying around more. Me telling him we all missed him wasn't really enough. So the kids saying they wanted him to stay home made a huge difference. It's where he wants to be now. Ask him if there are maybe activities the family can do together to help out. I know we had friends come over to help install our microwave on my birthday, and they all came. I made dinner for everyone and the husbands installed while my firend and I talked, and the kids played. We do the same for them and other families. My husband LOVES to help mow our neighbors lawns (because he has a riding mower) and he loves to let the kids help. They love to "drive" too...so just try to find ways he can help others while involving all of you. And make sure to set aside a night a week that is only for you guys. At least that...good luck!

I am hoping you get lots of advice. I have been in this situation for a long time now. I think they are major people pleasers. Yet, I wonder why no people pleasing with the people who love them most. You are not alone. Start leaving him alone atleast one night a week. I sometimes just ride around and listen to a new CD and have a Happy Meal. I just want him to be with us!!!!! He is a wonderful man and no cheating, I know. It sometimes feels the same though. Missing lots of memories that you don't ever get back. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION THIS TIME!!!!

I am no expert but I know where you can get help for issues like yours for very little cost...Marriage Works! Ohio. They have programs for couples in all phases of their relationships and the tools they teach in the classes might be what you need. This one class, the Relationship Builders course, talks about love languages. I bet your husband's is "Acts of Service", that is why he is feeling fulfillment by helping others. Yours sounds like "Quality Time" and that is what you are missing with him. By taking the class, you can see how you can cater to his love language which will help him meet yours. The classes also teach communication tools so that every person gets their feelings heard. Anyway, I loved the classes. Call Marriage Works! Ohio at ###-###-#### for more information.

You've got a good man there. First of all, make sure you tell him that. Like you said, he's out doing a good thing that makes him and others very happy.

Next, schedule time with him. Sit down with him and discuss which 3 days out of the week he's not allowed to leave. That gives him 4 days to help others and 3 days to pay attention to his wife and kids. I'm sure he'll find that reasonable. If you set days of the week then he'll easily be able to say, "No, I'm sorry I can't help on Monday, but Tuesday I'm free."

Have you told him how you feel? Ask him for two nights a week to go for a walk and keep the conversation light.

Make being home fun and rewarding.
Do you nag? or expect him to just take over the house and kids when he walks in? do you give him time relax?
what things did you use to enjoy togher?
make him feel as important at home as he does at the neighbors or when he volunteers.
Tell him how much you appreciate him
My guess is he has always been a giving person.
Why don't you go with him when he volunteers or talks to the neighbors. meet him on his "turf"
He must feel good about himself when he is doing these activities and he needs to feel equally (or more so) rewarded by doing things with his family.
He sounds like a good guy who loves you, and really loves being social as well.
Best wishes
Hey here is a thought - Ask him what you can do to be a more active part in his life. Tell him you love him and enjoy his company and would like to spend more time together as a family doing what he enjoys.

Oh marriage...what a life long path of ups and downs. Ifeel your pain. I had a similiar issue with my hubby but his hobby is Hockey and its about 1 hour away. He would do it 4 days per week and then he works on the weekends. I work full time so most of the work week I am ok with him being gone because its just easier to clean, put the kids to bed and not have to mess with making a full dinner.
My suggestion would be to talk to him again and just tell that you are in need and you dont thinks its unfair to ask 1 evening per week for FAMILY time. Schedule that family time on one of his days off and then plan on doing stuff outside the house (going to a park, zoo, picnic, play games in the park like kickball or puzzles) If one day per week is unrealistic then ask for 2 days per month. AND HOLD HIM TO IT. DONT let him slack on it. If he HAS to go save the day for a neighbor on your family day then tell him ok but we still need a family day. Even doing nothing at home but watching a movie and some popcorn is alot of fun
If that doesnt work, what about getting some friends together at your place. It can be with him or without him. You can do a couples night of cards (we love Euchre and Cribbage) or if you just want the girls over without him. He shouldnt be the reason you are so lonely. You need to get out and be social yourself, but he also needs to be around. Its not normal for someone like him to always play superman 7 days a week.
I wish you luck. Please keep us posted. I havent read the replys but Im intersted in everyones view.
EDIT. I just read your update. Hang in there and remember foreplay starts in the morning....or in your case the night before. He cant expect you to roll over and boom boom when all he did the night before was eat sleep and not talk to anyone.

I agree with T.. He does need to understand that balance is needed. I would suggest this type of discussion. Ultimatums should be the last resort.. I would definitely discuss why he feels the need to help everyone else and not spend time with you. What was your relationship like before kids...dating...was this the same pattern? Perhaps he would be open to a calendar system where you pencil in the activities with the family and date nights with you??? Would he be interested?

You could withhold sex. That will get his attention.
Sometimes we have to play dirty. When he then says "What;s wrong??" all innocent and like you then tell him in I terms what you are missing. "I" feel like we aren't connecting, "I" feel like ..........

Charity starts at home... If your husband's philosophy is to be there for others so they will be there for him then he should have no problem understanding that this charity starts at home (that is unless his aim is to not have your support).
While he may be a kind and generous person he seems to be so only on his accord and when he thinks and/or feels there is something in it for him. You have a legit complaint and you should voice it. No one else is going to support and defend your family. What exactly is he not "gaining" by being a family man? Sorry, being a provider does not make one a spouse or a parent let alone a family man.
Lay it out and put your foot down. Be explicit regarding your wants and needs. Be strong and ready for the long haul on this but don't back down.

Good luck.

I completely understand! My husband and I have gone rounds about it! Ahh if only withholding sex worked. That way you are both just angry and hurt. Granted at my house there is a coloration between quality time and sex. When he points out it's been a week or 2, I point out I haven't seen you in a week or 2. I apologize for the TMI. Stop waiting for him. Take the girls and go for a date. I know it sounds silly. The girls will love it though and you will be having fun. Really his need to go and help and do for other has nothing to do with you even though it feels that way. Going out with the kids means that I am no longer just sitting their waiting for him. Find things that you like to do and do them. Saying it sounds so easy, it isn't though. In order to do it you have to change your minds set and that is hard. Make plans that you can do with or without him so that way if he comes great if not bummer for him. More often then not when he sees us getting ready to go and do something he stops and comes along. When it has been a rough day and I know my husband is at the neighbors I send the kids over and I stay at the house. He gets the point that way. It used be that would bring him home instantly but our neighbors love or kids so now they all just stay over there and play. But really the big thing is to stop waiting. Waiting is miserable.

Put the kids with family or a sitter. Leave a note so when he comes home it says "Need your help. Please come to (put address of restaurant, movie theater, etc.) ASAP". Maybe then he will come to your aid and you get a date out of it as well, and he'll get the message that you are just as important! The next time, you can do the same but with your kids for a family outting.