January 08, 2013,
C.T. asks from Rancho Palos Verdes, CA on November 13, 2008
My Husband Does Not Make Time for Me
I have been happily married for 9 years,I have 2 beautiful boys. I love my husband dearly.
He is such a good husband to me and an amazing father for the kids.The only bad thing about him he is a workaholic. He leaves the house at 5am comeback 730pm.
He plays with the kids before they go to bed.Once they are in bed,he goes up into his home office and start working.The weekends,he wakes up early so he can work.He makes sure he spends time with the kids,play with them during the day.Saturday night when the kids go to sleep. He sits with me 5 minutes if not less,then tells me he so tired he can't open his eyes he needs to go to bed.When do we spend time with each other?NEVER..NEVER... I talked to him so many times about this, and he does admit his at fault and he should do his best to spend time with me.But I don't see anything...I go heartbroken to bed everyday. We have intimate relationship once a month sometimes more.I am really bothered by it,I cry and I cry and I cry and sometimes I feel so lonely...it kills me,I feel like I am unwanted. i know he loves me. He tells me how much he loves me and he always tell me even if I don't spend enough time with you doesn't mean I don't want to or I don't care. He says that it slips his mind.Well I don't get it!if you love someone so much how can you forget to spend time with them . His office is so close from home and he has his own company,he can leave whenever he wants but he just love to work,can't stop.Idon't know what to do I am tired crying everynight,please anybody tell me what shall I do.I missed my husband I want to be with him ,I love him so much and the thought of not caring about spending time with me kills me. Please someone tell me what can I do?
2 moms found this helpful
M.B. answers from Los Angeles on November 14, 2008
ijnteresting... I dont' mean to be negative but I would look into this a bit more... something dosen't sound right.... does he take a lunch break? Can you guys go to lunch together, can he sneak home at lunch for 45 minutes of "you know what"? It seems there is something else going on with him..
C.W. answers from Los Angeles on November 14, 2008
I sounds like you have done all you can. Now it may be time for some couples counseling. I think you may need professional help because it seems to be a problem that has gone on long enough and you both have been unsuccessful at resolving it.
Hope things get better for you.
M.E. answers from Los Angeles on November 14, 2008
If you've already spoken to him and he hasn't changed, give him an ultimatum. Tell him to either spend more time with you, or you want to separate. I'm sorry you are going through this. you could also try counseling for the two of you.
N.B. answers from Los Angeles on November 13, 2008
Lots of men get caught up in providing for the family to the exclusion of all else, just as many moms get caught up in the kids. Men who have their own businesses are under even more pressure. It is hard to know the answer as each man is different. Here are some possible ideas:
1. Have a date night once a week. Put it on the calandar and stick to it just like any other commitment. Go out and do activities that you used to enjoy together, so you have something in common besides the kids. Do things that make you laugh together.
2. Once a month, get a sitter for the night and go to a hotel. We would go out on a Saturday night date and get back by noon on Sunday. A mini get away can do wonders.
3. Take up an activity together....take a class....dance, karate, cooking, tennis, pottery, investing, whatever! This is again so that you have a common interest besides the boys.
3. Work at his business a few hours per week, even if it is just answering phones or covering for people who are sick. You get to be part of his world. It helps because "his business" becomes "your business". You get to experience why he works so hard and then you can relate more to what he is doing. He might spend more time talking to you about the business, because you'll be more interested, since it is your job also.
4. Make plans with girl friends or take a class on your own one night per week. Get busy with developing your own life and you will not feel so lonely. Host a book club or a card game at your house, take up a hobby, volunteer. If you have an activity that you are eager to do in the evening, you won't be so devastated when he has other things to do. Take up painting, knitting, blogging.
5. If you are religious, speak with your religious leader. Most religions mandate that a man look after the emotional needs of his spouse. Maybe your religious leader can work with the two of you.
6. Get some counseling for yourself. This should be just for you, alone!
Good luck! I know what this is like.
6 moms found this helpful
L.A. answers from Los Angeles on November 14, 2008
Ok I typed this and then read some of the other responses. I don't think they get it. If you married a GOOD MAN, then what he is doing is providing for his family. And he NEEDS to be appreciated. Not being nagged to death. Read the "Proper Care and Feeding Of Husbands"
of Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" Dr. Laura Schlessinger. You honey have all the control. Men have simple needs. Respect Love and Affection. give him those and you will see a difference.
What I wrote earlier still is true too.
If you are whining and crying and nagging everytime he is home,why would he want to be there. try using the honey approach....you know you attract more flies with honey than vinegar. When he is home thenk him, when he does sit with you cuddle up to him, when he does work thank him for providing such a secure home for you and the kids. Kill him with kindness. A little kndness goes so far. If he is not being criticized for things and praised when he is, guess what YOU WILL see more of him.
Be that girl he fell for and married. STOP the whining.
I know I may sound harsh, but I learn from experience, when I'm crabby and whiny he doesn't want to be home, when I'm telling him how wonderful he his and appreciating his efforts to take care of our family, he never wants to leave.
Couldn't hurt right? Good Luck
4 moms found this helpful
E.N. answers from San Diego on November 14, 2008
I don't know if this is what is going on, but your story reminds me of one that I read in a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It was basically a "miscommunication" of love. We all communicate love to one another in different ways, and we all receive love in different ways. Your husband may feel that by working so hard to provide for his family, he is showing you how much he loves you, but you don't receive love that way, you would feel his love if he wanted to spend time with you. I highly recommend the book, it helped my husband and I understand one another's needs for love and how to express it in a way that the other could receive it. God bless you and I hope this helps!
2 moms found this helpful
V.G. answers from Los Angeles on November 14, 2008
Something is wrong. Men let so many important things slip their mind when it comes to family, but for you to be feeling lonely and crying about it seems odd. I don't know what it was like before and I don't know you both personally, but either you need to go to counseling so that someone else can make him understand what's most important to you and make you understand what's really going on, or you need to have a huge, major heart to heart where you figure out how to get through to him with your feelings. It's so hard to give advice when you don't know what's going on. Heck, my husband wants me to stay home with him and the kids all the time, and I do stay home with the kids and I do spend time with him often, but I love doing things and making friends and he's just now getting to be more understanding and I get to be in a musical at my church, yippee! Are you in need of some extra adult contact because you're at home with the kids all day and the only other adult in the household who happens to be your partner doesn't give you the contact you need? You need you time too. But I know how it is to think "When was the last time my husband and I had a date?" There's a book by Nicholas Sparks (he wrote The Notebook and A Walk To Remember and Message In A Bottle) called The Wedding. It is a great story about a man whose been married 30 years and suddenly realizes that his wife is not in love with him anymore and it's because of all the years he didn't give her the attention she needed. He proceeds to woo her all over again because he's always loved her but seemed to be at the office more than at home. Very good book if you and your husband could read it together.
2 moms found this helpful
S.A. answers from Honolulu on November 13, 2008
I had a similar problem for a while...
So I went out one day and as a "surprise" to him I bought a board game that I thought he would get a kick out of (he loves board game like monopoly, etc, but we didn't have any at home...) So now every once in a while, after my daughter goes to bed at night I ask him if he wants to play a game. He usually agrees! (I think he feels too guilty to say no since I bought it "especially for him" Hehe). He also likes to play cards, so once in a while we do that too instead. Sometimes it only lasts 15-20 minutes and then he goes right back to work after one game, but it's SOMETHING and we usually get to laugh a bit together and have some fun...
Good luck to you!!
1 mom found this helpful
D.L. answers from Reno on November 14, 2008
I completely agree with Lorrie. Those two books, especially The Proper Care and Feedings of Husbands, can give you the power to change your marriage. Take a deep breath, smile even if you don't feel like it, and take charge. There are little things you can do to make him think about you during the day: an email, a text, a note on the napkin in his lunch box or in the pocket of his shirt. His favorite meal. A compliment about how sexy he looks or what a great dad he is and how lucky the kids are. How lucky you are to be home with the kids because he is such a great man and provider. If you build him up and tell him how great he is, he will rise up to be these things. You will also feel better because you will focus on the good things. Meeting him at the door in a negligee or waking him up early with coffee and ... might work too.
Good luck! You can do it!
1 mom found this helpful
M.G. answers from Los Angeles on November 14, 2008
My Husband owns his own business too. If the phone rings and he doesn't answer it, we lose money.... So he answers his phone at restaurants, dinner table (getting better at that) and when we have general family time. I am a stay at home Mom and prefer it that way.
this gives him many pressures to financially secure our family all on his own.
We have been happily married for 13 years. The first 7 years, I cried... a lot! He would work weekends, evenings and during the day. I felt like Cinderella... watching kids and cleaning house.
I have a circle of girlfriends. It is important that you get out there and have a life too.
He needs to know you are secure in your marriage.
Surprising him is great! Make dinner and take it to him. Take him out to lunch once a week. Text message him or email him during the day. Make cookies for the office.
Whatever you do, always have trust in your husband. Divorce is not the answer. Feeling like a loved woman is.... Hopefully, if you show effort, your hubby will too.
Best of luck,
1 mom found this helpful
L.A. answers from San Diego on November 14, 2008
Stop crying and start talking! He said that spending time with you slips his mind, so REMIND HIM! You need to be put into his schedule. You need to sit down with the man and, without crying, without any drama, let him know that things cannot continue the way they are. He makes time for the kids because it has become a part of his routine. The same needs to happen with you. Whether it is a set "date night" once a week, or 1/2 hour after the kids go to bed, or a chunk of time on the weekend. Let him choose which, if you like, or decide together. But once it is set, stick to it. I run a non-profit organization for people with cancer. I could happily work 24/7. My husband has to stake his claim to my time, and he does. Do the same with your husband. Most important, you need to stop feeling heartbroken and lonely and stop crying all the time. That is nothing but wasted energy. You married a man who is a workaholic. The good side to that is that he is a good provider. The bad side, as you know, is that he will work all the time if allowed to. Stake your claim to his time and make sure to guard it, but at other times, develop an interest of your own. Find a hobby, or a volunteering outlet, or something to do that will occupy your own time.
1 mom found this helpful