I Think I'm in Love with Two Men

A....
I commend all the other women who've responded in favor of communicating with your husband and trying to work things out. Marriage vows are a promise before God and you have committed to your husband FOR LIFE! (Remember that "for better, for worse" part?!) I think the first thing I would do is keep your children away from this other man. I don't know how old they are, but sooner or later one of them may mention this person to their dad and I guarantee it won't be a matter of you staying with your husband or not, because he will leave you! (You've also got to think about how you would feel if you divorce your husband and he would be with another woman at some point...would you like your girls in a situation like that?) Get this other person out of your life and rekindle your relationship with your husband. Pray for yourself, your husband, and your marriage. Your marriage is worth saving....I'm sure once you talk to your husband about how you are feeling, he will make some changes because I'm sure he loves you too. I wish you the best of luck and I'll say a prayer for you tonight.

Sorry if you think this is harsh but...First of all, stop seeing the other man. You will never be able to figure out if you still want to be with your husband while the other man is still in the picture. You are being completely unfair to your husband if you have never discussed with him your feelings about him always being at work. You say you love your husband... if that is so, how can you have this relationship with someone else... taking the chance on losing your husband if he finds out. That isn't love! You say your kids like him? What kind of image do you think you are presenting to them? If you stop seeing the other man and determine that you really aren't in love with your husband anymore, than fine, end your marriage. And if the other man isn't willing to give you that time and space to figure it out then he isn't so great. Is this other man just a substitute for the emotions and feelings you really want your husband to elicit from you? You have a lot of things to think about and work through and again, the only way to do that is to stop seeing this other man.

A. - as a child of a family of divorce, I urge you to think about what leaving your husband would do to your family. If you truly do love him, you should talk to him and tell him that you need more family time from him. One of the things that bothers me about couples these days is that the words "til death do us part" seem to mean nothing. We should think of our husbands as our LIFE partner and do EVERYTHING that we can to work things out.

Oh my! I don't know what your husband does but my husband is always working. The last 4 weeks alone he has worked 68 hrs, 65 hrs, 57 hrs and this week 70. I am a stay at home mom with 3 children, 2 teenage girls and a severely disabled son. We will be married 10 yrs next month and I can say it hasn't always been easy but I love my husband and I know he loves me. My question to you is, why have you recently started seeing this man that you have nown for 20 yrs and why are you and your husbands children seeing him? I am not judging, perhaps he is a family friend and this is at gatherings. If it isn't gatherings and your children are going with you to see him, that is not good. Your children should not be put in this position, nothing good will come of that. Granted I am not an expert, but some people ARE in relationships because they are easy or comfortable. Our relationship is anything but easy, I don't think it is comfortable, I really think we work together. You say that you are 27 and have been married for 7 yrs, that is young, you work full time and your husband works a lot. Do you think maybe you just need some attention from your husband, or need to have "date" nights? You don't say the ages of your children, if they are school age or are in daycare, try taking a day off, spend it alone and really think about what you are feeling. This is not easy for you I am sure.
We will all offer our best advice but ultimately, you are the only one that knows what is in your heart and what is right.
Good Luck
I will pray for you and your family.
Jenn

Believe it or not but I think this is pretty normal. It's what makes marriage so tough and why so many ppl just give up. You know he loves you and you know he will be there but with his job he can't be and you're left wanting so you see this friend and all of a sudden he's around and available to you more than your husband is and you start seeing in him all the things you lack in your husband. It's never easier to stay than it is to leave. and you should know by now that ppl change and the good you see in this man would sooner or later leave you wanting as well and then what. no one is perfect, talk to your husband, you made a commitment to him and you owe it to your kids to try to salvage your marriage, if your marriage is good. but figure out why he works so much, beleive it or not most men work to hard because they feel the need to provide the very best for thier family and don't realize that some things can be lived without in exchange for them being around more. isn't love, real love basically defined by the struggles you can get through and the fact that you stand by each other through it all. and what's that saying the grass is always greener on the otehr side? it's always true untill you get there, then you get to wonder why you went in the first place. it's normal to have feelings for other men, what's important is that you honor your vows and don't act on them. fix your marriage first or at least try to, then see how things look. at least at this point you are very aware taht your marriage might need so attention. good luck.

Hi A.,

I can sympathize with the lonliness you are experiencing. And because of the this it would be easy to want to spend time with someone who is available to hang out with. Especially someone you have known for such a long time and are so comfortable with. However - keep in mind that love is a CHOICE. It seems you have crossed some boundaries (at least with your heart) while spending time with this other man. I believe that marriage vows should be taken very seriously. You mentioned that you do love your husband. I would do everything in my power to try to make your marriage work. You may have to cut off your friendship with this other man. You may need to look for girl friends to hang out with instead. Your husband may not have any idea you are so lonely. He may feel that he is really helping the family by working so hard. I would try to talk to him about it before doing anything drastic. And even though your children really like this other guy - in their eyes he could never take the place of Dad.

Take care and best of luck to you.

It's always easy for someone to give advice, but taking it is much harder I know. All I can say A. is to communicate with your husband about your loneliness and see what he is willing to do to make you happy. Does he want to jeopordize a wife and two kids over a job? Does he know that you are longing for some attention and that he needs to be there for you and if he's not, someone else will eventually fill that gap? And how would he feel if he lost all 3 of you knowing that all he had to do was understand that you and the girls need more time with him. I strongly suggest a book or the cd collection called Marriage on the Rocks before you even contemplate any further relation with the other guy. Trust me, I know how you're feeling and if you can do it, this advice will help you I promise!!! Best of Luck. And try to remember how important the family unit is and how much it would mean to your girls to grow up in a healthy marriage. They are learning by example and will duplicate what they see later in life. Be a good example and communicate with him and get this marriage back on track or one day you will watch those precious girls in the exact same situation...:-(

I'm sure it's easy to feel confused and get wrapped up in someone "new" even though you've known this person for a long time. I'd ask that you be honest with yourself - are you just enjoying the new found attention (as don't we all when we first start dating someone, etc.). If you love your husband and he loves you, then maybe you should sit down and talk about your relationship with each other, that you feel neglected because he is never there. And, just because he travels alot isn't an excuse to see other people - you made the vow to marry him for better or for worse. So, at least be honest with him about the struggles you're having within your marriage - and if you want to work it out, don't mention how you feel about the other guy or you'll probably have a much bigger issue on your hands. It really just sounds like you need to refocus on your marriage. I'm a firm believer it is truly hard to be friends with the opposite sex when you are married. Sure, you can hang out in big groups and enjoy other men's company but if you start hanging out with them one on one, etc. it's only going to lead to trouble or confusion. Decide what you want to do - and either really work on your marriage with your husband. Or, tell your husband you think you are falling for someone else and it's time to go your sep. ways. You might be surprised at what having a heart to heart with your husband will do. I'm not trying to tell you what to do at all but it saddens me that so many of us are so quick to give up on our marriages. My mom once told me, when you meet someone new - it's like eating at a fancy new restaurant - everything tastes so good and is SO different than the restaurant you are used to eating at, but at the end of the day, it's just food. As long as the other restaurant offers good service and takes care of you and you enjoy being there too, go back and stay there. It's a silly analogy but it makes sense. You said you do love your husband and that is critical! If you didn't anymore, then I'd say, well, it's time to let go. Anyhow, I could ramble on - I guess ultimately, I would say don't try and and juggle both relationships. First, at least make the effort to work on your marriage (which means telling your guy friend you can longer hang out because you are losing your focus on your marriage.) Also, if your guy friend, knowing that you are married and have two children, doesn't understand that and still wants to see you, etc. Well, then you might want to think about the type of person he is in that he's OK with stepping out with a married woman and essentially trying to ruin a marriage and a home with children. Really, think about it. And i wish you the best and my prayers go out to you because your heart must really hurt right now. Also, might be worthwhile to go to church with your husband as a means for reconnecting if you don't already.

First of all, it's obvious that you are lonely and I would just lay it all out for your husband to think about. Secondly you need to consider what this will do to your little girls. Thirdly, I wonder if this man is leading you on or is willing to do anything with you knowing you are married, what would he do behind your back? It always looks greener on the other side.
Can't say I haven't wondered what it was like when I was lonely but now I come right out and tell my husband what is wrong. Do you want to pay attention to me or do you want me to look elsewhere? Just think before you leap.

Hi A.:
This may be an oversimplified opinion, but it sounds like you're lonely. I was in the same boat before the baby. My husband & me worked exact opposite schedules - me in the day and him at night so we only saw each other in bed at night. It was terrible! We've always had a really strong relationship but not seeing each other every day made us both feel distant and alone. I can see why people in those situations would feel the need to cheat...to fill that missing hole in their lives. Before you make any rash decisions, I'd suggest you talk to your husband about finding more time for you in his life. If you can work more quality time into your schedule, you may not feel like you need to be with this other guy. If that doesn't work, perhaps it is time to explore other options. Marriages only work when both people are around to work on them together. Good luck...

Our popular culture conditions us to believe that it's OK to ditch our commitments if things aren't "working out" for us. We've been taught to believe that we need to "be true to ourselves" even when the costs of doing so are much higher than sticking with our commitments.

Remember that vow you took? "Til death to us part" really means what it says. Please don't try to convince yourself that you would be doing your husband a favor by leaving him for another man. If you're going to "be true to yourself," at least have enough respect for your husband to be true to him, too.

Let me be straight with you. Your first priority is to your husband. Period. Dump this other guy and dump him fast. You need to work on your marriage. Please, do the right thing. Find a "Weekend to Remember" conference and attend with your husband before you do anything else. Go to www.familylife.com to sign up. You won't regret it.

Oh, and one more thing... once your children are old enough to "understand" what happened between mommy and daddy, they'll have a hard time forgiving. I speak from experience.

First of all, it's certainly understandable how you feel. But feelings do not make good decisions! How would you feel if you were in the other shoes (your husband's)? Having an affair or leaving your husband for another man is an awful thing to do to him and your children. Not to be harsh, but it cannot be softened. I know, people do it all the time out of weakness, and I couldn't swear I wouldn't be one of them under the right circumstances! I am no better than anyone else. But I still know the truth and the truth is, it's a hurtful thing to do. What would you be teaching your children about marriage? Would you be teaching them to trust people? You say you "love" your husband, so why would you want to hurt him so badly? "Love" sometimes means making sacrifices and doesn't always feel good.
It is VERY VERY hard to extract yourself from a relationship that feels good. Similar to an addiction! It is of course better to avoid the situations and temptations in the first place. I believe the only thing you could do at this point is cut the new relationship off completely. You will not be able to be around him and keep it platonic for long. If you have to see him (like if he's a coworker), be sure there is always someone else around when you're with him.
The key will be looking at yourself and finding out why you need/want this new man. What are you lacking in your marriage? I suggest counseling, as an individual first of all, to find out how to cope without this new relationship. Then you can also work on your marriage. It could just need some attention, like a rusty car that could use some hard work in polishing and changing the oil. Buying a new car sure seems easier--but eventually, it will be rusty too!
I do sympathize with you, believe me. I hope I don't sound too harsh, but I just feel regardless of how hard it is, it is the truth. I think you will need and deserve some strong support in dealing with this, it is very hard : (
Lynn

I'm not trying to sound rude about my response, you did however put yourself out there with a situation like this and for that shows guts. Its unfortunate that people follow their lust and try to replace their emptiness with something or in your case someone else. I feel for your husband since he's out there trying to make a better life for his wife, kids, family and you turn to another man. That's what's wrong with the people in this country nowadays - always for themselves. And I'm sorry sister but your kids will be the ones to suffer the most because of this. Since I am not you and I don't know the ENTIRE situation - I can't form an adequate opinion or be wrong or right. But my husband works a fulltime job then has projects on the side to make up for money that goes to his first kids "baby mama" I know that he's doing it to make a good life for our child and us. I would never turn to another person - absence makes the heart grow fonder. How about talking to your husband and seek counseling before you ruin EVERYONE'S lives.

hello A., this is interesting! ok you say your husband is just not around very much, so i was thinking maybe you are having these feeling for the other man because you like the attention. dont get me wrong you may be in love with the guy, but if so then you need to not drag on your marriage. dont mean to ask rude questions but have you slept with him? does your husband know him? or met him? what are his intentions???? some guys could make a women feel they are in love just so he could get some. i know you said you've known him for 20 yrs but do you know what he's doing hanging out with a married women so much for. maybe he loves you and wants you to leave your husband. you didnt really give to much info so im sorry that i cant help. if you want you could mail me back at anytime and we can talk. i have felt the same way you do now. i have friends that have gone through it also. well i hope to hear from you and good luck if i dont!
A.

Well A. you have gotten a bunch of replies and I suspect mine will not differ. Without knowing the whole story I will you this. NEVER go outside of your marriage. It is always a cop out. I would say this if it was my sister I was talking to and I would want my true girls to tell me the same ( LORD knows they would). My friends never hold their tongues ( but I digress). If you feel so compelled to leave than be a stand up virtuous woman and do so. I know how tough it can be to every woman ( as Chaka Khan would say) so I am offering you a bit if sympathy ... BUT not enough to justify what you are doing.

I have a working hubby, new baby and I have no family, one friend and a small handful of associates here in the STATE of OHIO. Talk about lonely!!! Despite my loneliness I know right and wrong and I believe you od as well. So sis PLEASE end the affair or end your marriage

Hello.. I agree with the other mom who said to try to work it out first. I was married, had 2 children and my husband had an affair. I filed for divorce, he thought life would be greener on the other side, 2 years later he told me... If I knew then what I know now I wouldnt have gotten a divorce, I would have done things differently. I think he thought he was going to find something better elsewhere, he woke up one day and realized everything he had was gone, and it was his fault. At one point he even came clean, after our divorce, telling me everything he had done, as a point I guess that there might have been something left to salvage.. In my heart I was betrayed, and hurt and I had become a scorn woman.. Please analyze your situation before you jump into something you might regret.. Take a good look at your marriage, why did you marry him, do you love him enough to make things work, what would you do if you left your husband, and this other man wasnt what you thought he was ? Would you be ok with being alone with your girls ? Sometimes we act on impulse which leaves us in trouble down the road.. really give your marriage an effort, give your husband a chance to be there, before you try something new. Take care and good luck to you..