Loosing a Child

hello T.,i too have lost a son,just 18 months ago.he was 23 yrs old.just be there.let her know that she can call anytime.most of the time i just need someone to listen.i gets to the point you start feeling bad for burdening your friends and family will your memories.most people dont know what to say.so they avoid you.this past year ive done most off the talking.it sometimes seems like people avoid me because of it.being able to talk about your boy helps.memories are all we have..if youve done the my space thing,that also helps.my sons friends from high school created a site for him,it gives me a place to go to spend time with him..it is still very painful..but does get easier.hang in there..let me know if i can do anything to help.she is lucky to have you...lisa

We have a close friend who lost his nineteen year old son in Iraq almost two years ago. And I lost a friend to a drunk driver when he was 18 ten years ago. I agree with the last poster about listen, listen, listen. And follow her lead. Talk about what she wants to talk about.

The thing that struck me the most is this: About six months after my good friend died, I stopped by his mother's house out of the blue to see how she was doing. (I can't credit for this. I was a self-absorbed teenager myself. My own mother suggested it.) Anyway, his mother was SO grateful for my visit. She told me she had such overwhelming support in the days and weeks after Jason died, but then everyone moved on with their own lives. She told me that she still had good days and bad days, but hadn't felt as though she had anyone to lean on and talk to once the immediacy of his death had passed. She told me she felt as though everyone avoided talking to her about him, because they didn't want to upset her.

My suggestion is that you write a note on your calendar right now reminding yourself to send her a "sympathy and thinking of you" card in six months. She'll have a great deal of support now, but I think she will be very grateful to know that you are thinking of her in a half a year. And I'm sure she'll appreciate you letting her know that you are still available to listen to her talk about her memories, etc. after that time, too.

Hi T.,

The best advice I can give is LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN, and let her know that you will listen to her regardless of whether she wants to cry, or laugh in his memory. Don't share your feelings about his loss with her unless you are asked. When she is ready she will ask if you have any memories. If she wants advice she will ask for it, then give your best non-judgemental advice you can. I would avoid giving advice unless asked. How very kind of you to ask the best way to support her. What a great friend! I am sure you will get lots of great advice on here.

Only a few things to avoid that seem like no brainers, but try to avoid platitudes like "I know how you feel" because you don't even if you had lost a child. "At least you have another child still living." That doesn't make the loss of antoher child any easier. And the most common one "This will get better" Yes, it will, but your saying it will not help her now. Remember that you are given two ears and one mouth for a reason; you need to listen twice as much as you speak.

My condolences to you in your time of sorrow.

Sincerely,
T.

T.,

Let me start by saying that I have not lost a child but have been through some life-changing losses. The things that helped me were receiveing cards, phone calls and visits from friends/family. I felt cared for and they offered nice distractions from the situation.

So, I would maybe start with a heart felt card/letter and a drop-off meal. Follow it up with a visit the following week. Don't worry about saying the right or wrong thing. Maybe take her to do something..... shop, movie?

Hi T.,
I am so sorry for the lose of your friend. Please follow the good advise the others have given you. I did notice that you said the young man has a twin sister? You may want to devote a lot of time with her, as a mom with twins and having 3 sets of twin nephews. I have done a lot of research on twin behaviors. When one twin is no longer living the other twin feels apart of them is missing. You may want to focus on her or help her friends support her, while you help her mom. I know a lot to people over look the other kids in this time. I lost my sister and there really was nobody to talk to.
I hope this helps.

What a tragedy. It sounds like you are having a hard time as well as his mom, which is completely understandable.

I haven't lost a child, but I have friends who have and there are a few things you might think about doing. First off, in the immediate future is to think of specific things you might do to help your friend. By this I mean, don't just say, "I'm here and let me know what I can do to help." When a tragedy like this stikes, the person left is often incapable of thinking what needs to be done. Instead, suggest things like, helping clean the house, take the car to the carwash, trim the yard. Tasks that the mom might not be up to at this time. Of course, it's also important to let her know you are willing to help out in whatever ways she might need, but always make suggestions first.

Many people feel uncomfortable talking about the person who has passed, but usually doing so is incredibly comforting to the person left behind. If you are alone with her, ask to see photos of her son. Ask her to tell you some stories about him. His memory will only be kept alive by sharing who he was.

Regardless of how long it takes, stick with her. Too many people think that others should "get over" their loss much too quickly. Even if she comes back to work and seems "normal," don't assume that she is. Continue to offer help on an ongoing basis for as long as she seems to need it.

Tell her how grateful you are to have known her son, the role he played in your life. Often moms aren't aware of this and it is very comforting.

Finally, don't neglect your own feelings. Don't be afraid to cry with her. This is just one more way to share the loss that can be very meaningful for both of you.

You're a wonderful person to want to help and support this woman in her loss.

I wish you well.

Warmly,

L.

Go visit her. Help around. Believe me anything like that helps. Good luck