21 answers

How to Console Someone Who Lost a Child

My friend just lost her 2 month old baby boy yesterday. She put him down for a nap and when she went in there to wake him up to breast feed him he had already passed away. He had blood coming out of his noise and had quit breathing. They think he died from SIDS, but they are doing an autospy on him today to make sure that was the reason. She has a seven year old daughter and a two year old daughter. Her and her husband wanted a boy so badly, they got pregnant and lost it and then they got pregnant again and it was a boy. After she had him she got herself fixed cause she was done having kids. Now her little boy is gone. She keeps saying that she should of been in the room with him the entire time that he was sleeping and my other friend, which is her sister, told her that there was no way she could of known that this was going to happen and that it wasn't her fault. She told her that there is no way you can stay right next to your child especially when you have two other children to deal with. The doctor gave her some medicine to calm her down so she can function and sleep. But I don't know what to say to her and I know that no matter what you say, nothing is going to take the pain away. I'm just so sad cause I keep thinking about one of my kids passing away and I don't think that I would beable to deal with it. The funeral is most likely going to be this Wednesday and I don't know how to act or what to say to her. I am so scared for her and I just want to keep telling her that I am so sorry. He was just so young and I don't know why things like this happens. I mean, she will never hear him say mommy or daddy and will never see him laugh or talk or walk. He will never beable to play a sport or go to school. I don't know how to deal with this. Has anyone gone through something like this or known someone who has? If so then what should I do?

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Pls take advice from a person who has lost a son..myself. There is nothing at all you can do, say, or anything. It is a time-healing thing. My son has been gone for almost 2 yrs in November and it stills agitates me when a person says or asks is there something they can do. The only real response is..."Give me back my child"..you can't. So, really all you can do, is be there for her..be that shoulder and that ear. Just be there...

1 mom found this helpful

A., I know just how you are feeling, earlier this month my cousin lost her 3month old boy also to SIDS they think. i felt there was nothing i could do to ease her pain. I have lost a Son too but i had a good warning, (we knew he had a defect..) long story short. all i could tell her at the funeral was that i was so sorry for her loss. I know from experience that i wanted the world to go on just like nothing had happened, i didn't want ppl to stop bringing their kids over or to stop talking about them just because i had lost my Son. when i talked to my Cousin she said she felt the same way. My son and her son were only 3 wks apart in age so i had to ask her if she was ok with meeting him 2 days after the funeral. anyway, just ask if there's anything you can do, offer to be of some help. and don't avoid talking about her Son, (you might want to ask if she's ok with talking about him first though). I hope that helps, i'm sorry to hear of her loss, i hope she can find the strength she needs to get thru these difficult times.

HUGS

More Answers

Hi ~

My heart goes out to you and your friend. :( :(

I think the best thing is just to be there for her. Offer to do any errands (if you can), help with chores, fix a meal or two for her, etc. Allow her plenty of time to grieve. Call her at least once a day unless she doesn't want you to. She will probably feel depressed, angry, guilty (although its not her fault).... be there for her as she grieves the loss of her son.

NEVER, NEVER say things such as:

* "He's in a better place now" (Although true that he is in heaven it doesn't help her pain!)
* "Be grateful for your other children"
* "Be strong for your other children"

Be very careful with giving her advice, as it might be hurtful. Check out this site just for families who have lost babies to SIDS: www.sidsfamilies.com

You might also do some research to see if there is a local grief support group for parents who have lost children. If you live in a big city, there might be one just for parents who have lost babies to SIDS. After some time has passed you might share the info you have.

Hope this helps a little...

1 mom found this helpful

This is such a tragedy. Probably the most stressful and anxiety-provoking act in human existence is the separation of a woman from her newborn infant. Your friend will no doubt experience a range of emotions. The chaos surrounding a SIDS death leaves most parents feeling that nothing in life is predictable; a SIDS death throws everything off balance. SIDS parents and family members need to be around people who will offer them support in a nonjudgmental way; they need to know that some things in their lives are permanent and there are certain people on whom they can truly depend. Just be there for her, if she will allow you. Offer to help keep her other children, run errands, organize things and prepare meals. Don't be afraid to talk about the child. Other family members, friends, or professionals can provide the sense of dependability and assurance by allowing parents both permission and ways to express their grief and talk about their confusion. SIDS parents need to talk and they need someone to listen-really listen-even if they tell their story, express their doubts and fears, and ask the same questions repeatedly. What SIDS and other bereaved parents are really saying is, "Let me tell you about my pain; let me talk about my child with you; please do call my child by name; please do not let my child be forgotten."

Friends and family members should try to do all they can to show their concern and help the parents in keeping alive memories of their baby. For most SIDS parents, it is also reassuring for others to try to mention special things they noticed about the baby and to remember the child's birthday or the anniversary of the death. By extending these personal and sensitive gestures, loving and concerned relatives, friends, and caregivers can become a source of reassurance and comfort for the grieving parents.

Many individuals do not understand the depth of parental attachment to a very young child. Bereaved SIDS parents should not be made to feel that others don't want to hear them, that others won't permit them to openly grieve. The parents of SIDS babies want their child's short life to matter not only to them, but to their families and friends, to the others in their "circle of concern," to the world.

God Bless you all and I pray for Him to lift this family up, comfort, and draw them closer to Him.

Love,
J.

1 mom found this helpful

A.,
I am so sorry to hear this about your friend. My heart cries out for her. I have children of my own and I couldn't imagine loosing them. My advice...Don't look for anything to say because you could end up saying something wrong. What you want to do is continue to be a shoulder for her to cry on and tell her that it is okay and it's not her fault. Let her know she is a great mother because she laid the baby down to check on the other children. If at all possible, pick your friend up, walk around a park etc. and let her cry it out. Grieving is a many step emotional process...I lost my mom and I went crazy...The first thing I did was blame myself but she was sick already...but I went thru many phases, by myself and it hurts when there is no shoulder to cry on. So, just console your friend, listen to everything she has to get out, hug her when she needs it. It will get better but the greiving phase is a natural emotion consisting of all kinds of healing emotions.
Your name is A.?! There you go!...The guardian friend of your friends heart. God Bless
Hope this was helpful.

1 mom found this helpful

Pls take advice from a person who has lost a son..myself. There is nothing at all you can do, say, or anything. It is a time-healing thing. My son has been gone for almost 2 yrs in November and it stills agitates me when a person says or asks is there something they can do. The only real response is..."Give me back my child"..you can't. So, really all you can do, is be there for her..be that shoulder and that ear. Just be there...

1 mom found this helpful

A., I know just how you are feeling, earlier this month my cousin lost her 3month old boy also to SIDS they think. i felt there was nothing i could do to ease her pain. I have lost a Son too but i had a good warning, (we knew he had a defect..) long story short. all i could tell her at the funeral was that i was so sorry for her loss. I know from experience that i wanted the world to go on just like nothing had happened, i didn't want ppl to stop bringing their kids over or to stop talking about them just because i had lost my Son. when i talked to my Cousin she said she felt the same way. My son and her son were only 3 wks apart in age so i had to ask her if she was ok with meeting him 2 days after the funeral. anyway, just ask if there's anything you can do, offer to be of some help. and don't avoid talking about her Son, (you might want to ask if she's ok with talking about him first though). I hope that helps, i'm sorry to hear of her loss, i hope she can find the strength she needs to get thru these difficult times.

HUGS

I have never lost a child, but my aunt did. My aunt and uncle tried for 17 years to have a child and when they finally did, the baby passed away the same day he was born because of complicaitons with breathing. Everything was going well, no one knew this would happen, but it just did. I was only 14, but I have never felt so sad to hold that child in my arms and watch my aunt fall apart. I never said anything, I couldn't stand up...I just hugged my aunt and cried. I cried hard and for a long time. When we were at home and the burial was over, my aunt was very mad and I was mad too. It wasn't fair and my aunt thought the same thing, so we sat in her bedroom pissed as hell yelling, crying, and just hugging. I was so young, but my aunt said I made a difference during that time because everyone just kept saying they were sorry or how bad things just happen. But I was so excited and my cousin was just taken from me in moments, without warning and I was just as upset as my aunt and uncle. Like most of the ladies here say, you should just be there with her and vent with her, cry with her and just hold her. She is never going to get over it. My aunt had two other children much later on, but we still go to the grave site and she cries, gets mad and hugs me. I have three children of my own now and I have always been scared that something will happen to them, I have never gotten over the lost of my little cousin. It is always there, but my aunt and I can talk about it whenever she needs to. Just be there for her, words can not help as much as a shoulder to cry on or arms to hug.

Hello A., I have a cousin of mine who went through the same thing. She so wanted a little girl she already had two boys and her little girl was 3 months old and passed away 5days before christmas in her sleep too...go figure that pain. Then like they say when it rains it pours...her husband died 2 months later...She is doing ok now, its been a few years now, and her and the boys still celebrate their bdays each year. Now on what to say, that's very very hard cuz all you see is pain in their eyes. All you can do at this point is let her know that she's in your prayers and let her know that you're there for her no matter what.

Hi A., my heart goes out to you as well as your friend. A hug and a I'm here if u need me means so much at this time. hey, facts are she will never hear him say mom, play ball or even go to school. But she can remember his smell, holding him in her arms breast feeding is such a bonding time its as if your child as they are sucking look into your eyes directly to your soul and her little A. saw her soul. my prayers will be with you as well as her doing this difficult time. PS after a few weeks outdoors, malls and the gym might not be a bad idea. be blessed

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