Seeking Advice: Mama Who Lost Baby

Check my respnonses as I responded to this same kind of post before. My neice passed away in 2001 of SIDS. Support is super important. PLease let me know if you can't find my previous post.

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Definitely give her a lot of support. Discussions involving SIDS makes me emotional because one of our close family friends had a son who died of SIDS at 8 months. There is a great online community at www.sidsfamilies.com where she can add her baby and friends and family can light a candle for her baby and say a prayer. Joining a support group full of parents who have also experienced SIDS first hand will be very helpfull. God bless!

1 mom found this helpful

Amy S. had some great suggestions. I think the more support the better. Letter them know people are there for what ever they need to just sit with them and not talk about the baby, to sit and talk about the baby or to give them there space but to know they are there if they need them. Lots of I'm sorry about your loss and I'm here for you!

My sister lost her son to group B strep when he was 12 hours old. It was really difficult. At the visitation and the funeral, she had a hard time leaving him. Good mother's just don't leave their babies she would say. It was not one day at a time. It was litteraly on minute at a time. We made her a shadow box of the things that he was supposed to wear home. We just let her be angry. She had a high risk pregnancy so she suffered for 8 1/2 months carrying him and just looking forward to the light at the end when she brought him home and her dreams were smashed. Don't tell her that things will get better. She doesn't want things to be better. She wants her baby back. Just keep reminding her that this was not her fault. My sister really held on to the fact that Talan's job here was done and God took him to be an angel to guide and watch over her. I don't know if your friend is religious or not, but it helped my sister to know that she didn't fail him. My sister now has a daughter and every holiday/birthday, they visit Talan who is buried next to our father. They blow bubbles and sing and dance and just try to celebrate what little life he did have with us. My neice is two and she knows that she has a brother in heaven. Even though he is not physically with my sister, he is still a part of everyone. There is no right or wrong way to greive the loss of a child. Just being there for them when they want to scream at the world or when they want to cry alone in their room. Just make surethat she knows that she has a wonderfull world around her still even in her time of estreme sorrow.

I think just simply letting the friend know she is there for her.

I gave my sister-in-law sister a cross in honor of her daughter who had passed. I found it in a Partylite catalog and it was purple. Knowing the sister I thought she would apprieciate it.

Maybe having something made for the woman with her child's picture on it. I know a family who had a little shelf in their house that was to honor their child they lost as an infant.

My parents have a portrait of my brother hanging in their living room, he was 8 when he died after a hit and run.

It may be best to just ask. I know the sister said that it was okay to talk about it. So....

I am sorry to hear of this great tradegy!!

Blessings to you all!
A.

The thing she'll be needing the most is just someone to not say anything, just be there to listen and be supportive. Nothing anybody says is going to make her feel better and you can only hear "comforting phrases" for so long. Just having her friend there is going to help her know she's not alone.

There is a great book at Northwestern Book store about the loss of a child. I bought it for my husbands cousin when she lost her daughter and she loved it.

This is what I did for a friend:

I simply sent an uplifting card every week for a month then the next month spaced it out to every other week...its been almost two years and I'll still send a card now and then. She's never opened up to talk about her situation, but she has become a very good friend, and my silent support has been a great comfort to her. I've never lost a child so I wouldn't know the right words to say her, and I think for her knowing she has someone she can get together with and vist about other things helps her.

I tried to pick cards that weren't too gusy. Ex found one that just said sending a smile your way...or thinking of you today...a hug for you just because...

Just be there is she wants to cry on your shoulder, but be careful not to give unwanted/unasked for advise.

SAHM 3 active boys :)
www.ubah.com/T2427

Just tell her to let her friend know that she will be there any time she wants to talk. Let her know how sorry she is that this happened.

Tell her to make sure she talks about the baby. The worst thing a person can do is avoid conversation about the baby. A mother still wants to talk even though you may think it will hurt her even more. Talking will help the healing process.

Hi! I would say JUST LISTEN to her. Let her vent without trying to tell her there's a silver lining or that you know how she feels or that she'll have another child later. If she sees a chore that needs to be done, pitch in. If the friend wants someone to let others know of the tragedy, offer to do that and ask what she wants said. Mainly, just be there and listen.

Best wishes to you, your friend and her friend -- L.

Hello. I want to let you know that we lost our son Zachariah to SIDS March 27,2007. He was 4 months old. My advice for you as a concerned friend is to be there for her. Let her cry on your shoulder and talk about her baby. The hardest for me is when people don't bring him up due to the fact that they are scared to upset me...talk about him, he was alive and i don't want people to forget.

J. Recifo-Smith

My friend lost her daughter to SIDS several years ago. Although she did have another child awhile after she still has not recovered which I don't know if you could. With her she didn't talk about it. But, when she did the only thing to do was to listen. She still talks and wonders about what she would be like now. The best is when she laughs about what she would be doing to her big brother. There is no time frame for recovery. Just support and encouragement that talking is ok. Or sit and cry with her. It does help. No words just tears. Sometimes avoiding "that" conversation is worse than anything. But, the "how are you holding up" questions dont help. Because we all know the answer. A simple I dont know what to say is helpful. Hope this helps.

My heart goes out to your co-worker's friend. What a heartwrenching loss to face! I guess the best advice I can give is to just be there for her right now to listen and offer comfort. Is she a religious person? Maybe speaking with a clergy person would help. There may not be any words that can help at this point until the friend is ready to process this ordeal. I would think your co-worker's actions of support and strength would be best for now.
God Bless,
A.

My sister has lost 2 sons. I understand how very very hard it can be. Just let her know you are there to talk or what ever. The first year is horible for them, every holiday. The childs birthday and anniversary of death are very hard too. My sister lost her sons quite a few years agon. One would have been 20 on December 30th, she still has a tough time, the other would have been 25 this april.
this is a poem that she found and used at their funerals and stills finds comfort in.

"I'll lend you for a while a child of mine," He said.
"For you to love the while he lives and mourn for when he's dead.
.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?
.
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief."
.
"I cannot promise he will stay; since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
.
I've looked the wide world over in My search for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have chosen you.
.
Now will you give him all your love, not think the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?"
.
"I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear Lord, Thy will be done!
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we run.
.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay;
.
But should the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand!"

God's Poem by Edgar Guest.

My daughter was stillborn at 38 weeks. Losing a child is one of the hardest things a mom can endure. There's some great advice below. Tell her to just be there. She doesn't have to say anything, and often the things people say really don't help at all (and sometimes make it worse). Offer to help out with housework, meals, etc. Practical help is important right now. Maybe even more important is the support she will need a month or two from now. Everyone else will have moved on and will expect her to do the same. It's not that easy. The first year is the hardest. All the missed holidays, birthday, etc. Be especially attentive to those dates. She will want to know that she is not the only one who remembers her child.

The only support on such a devastating loss, is to give lots of hugs, let the woman talk about the baby without being uncomfortable. Dont worry about what to say, b/c people who have lost a child know there is nothing to say that comforts. The biggest comfort for me was the presence of company or close friend, it didnt matter that we didn't say anything or talk, it just felt good to have someone with me who cared. She could also offer to cook meals, or just surprise her with a casserole or food bakset of comfort food just to help out with necessities. Its also good to call the person instead of telling them to call you when they need to talk. I hope this helps a little, also a support group or a memorabilia to represent the baby. This is the hardest loss for anyone.

The best thing your friend can do is support your co-workers need to grieve and be there for her if she can. Many people like to say things like, "It was for the best" or things that are meant to comfort, but they don't help when it's so new. I always let people know that it's okay to grieve and to give themselves time. There are stages to grieving. It starts with denial and ends with acceptance of the situation. Rushing to acceptance will not help.

She needs to have time to fully explore her emotions and realize that some day she will come to terms with this and then she can try again. So I guess my answer to your question is to let the person know that she is sorry for her loss, encourage her to take time to grieve, and that she's there if she needs a shoulder to cry on.

Angie

T.,

See if you can find a middle man - relative or even your boss and find out what the family is ready for. Do they want meals, calls or visits? If they just want to be left alone right now a card or flowers would probably be better. Everyone handles grief differently. Many people now request a donation to a particular fund in the loved ones name in lieu of flowers - you could do a little investigation and take up a collection at work. It would be nice if you made arrangements to attend the funeral. Depending on your line of work, you may be able to ask the boss to close the office or use minimal staff for that hour so everyone who wants to can go.

I have had friends bury their babies and after all is said and done, they say more than anything they were just glad people reached out and did something. You are thoughtful to try and do so.

S.

Hi - Please tell your friend to be the exact same supporting friend she has always been. Losing anyone is hard, but if your friend tries to behave in any way other than what is normal between them, it will cause added strain to the mother of the baby lost. Some situations have no "right" things to say or do, but just being there as her friend will be best. H. this helps!