Ladies, Some Perspective Please!?

As to the "woman issues" and not enjoying sex, what married man doesn't offer an excuse as to how he's justifying stepping out on his wife? Just makes him look more like a creep in my eyes.

You ask in reference to the dog's name "why would he allow this to happen?". I think you should be asking "Why did either of you allow ANY of this to happen?" and for you personally "Why am I cyber stalking the man I had an adulterous affair with?"

It is nothing, he probably didn't even make the connection if he even named the dog himself. It seems like you are searching for a connection that isn't there. It is done and over, move on

Haven't read the other answers and I'm not going to comment on the whole affair thing but could it be that his wife named the dog and he was just smart enough to NOT say that's "Her" daughters name???

Your focus is in entirely the wrong place.

Do you see that?

Rather than focusing on why you decided to hunt electronically for your former lover, you are focusing on "How dare he give his dog this name." Seriously: Is the name truly that unusual, that no one on Earth would possibly pick it for a dog (or child) name?

You want insight to help you let "this" go. If the "this" you want to let go is the upset over a dog name, you truly are not seeing the real problem you have. What you need to let go of is him, period, and you have not.

Please get to a therapist so you can figure out why you cheated in the first place; how you can save your marriage; IF you should save your marriage; and why you chose to find this man online. You and your husband need marriage counseling and you need your own counselor. You have not rid yourself of this other man in your mind or you would not get this upset about a dog name -- in fact you would not even KNOW about the dog name because you would not have looked him up if you were over him and were trying to work on your own marriage.

hon, it's not about karma, nor the dog, nor your daughter's nickname.
i think this is just your own unresolved wounds, and a need to punish yourself further.
i hope you get some counseling and start healing from the inside out.
khairete
S.

Because maybe, just maybe, it's not about you?
Seriously--get over yourself.

Years ago before I met my husband, I obsessed over a guy who was a jerk. I had been involved with him on and off for a long time. We had a messy breakup, and I went on too long thinking about it. I'm sure I drove my friends nuts.

After a while, I realized he was never a good guy, and I wasn't in a healthy place. I think obsessing over him gave me an excuse to not take a hard look at myself.

Once I did, I realized I didn't need him or any of the baggage from that relationship. I started doing that things that helped my self respect. I put myself first, and became a happier person. It took a while, and some work, but finally I knew I deserved better.

I suggest you're avoiding dealing with the issue that lead you to him in the first place - it's not usually that something is missing in the marriage, more so that you are missing something in your personal life.

Find a way to feel whole again that doesn't involve someone else (especially this guy) and don't seek him out any more. It won't end well. It's disrespectful to your husband and this guy's wife and it will just cause you heartache to stalk his life. I think he's moved on.

Good luck :)

You know something?
The name that your daughter and his dog share probably means nothing to him.
Guys don't think about stuff like that like women do.
He's not going to be hearing the name and thinking about you.
Really, if you think about it - you might kind of think of it as an insult to you, your feelings, your affair, etc.
(Or maybe his wife found out about you two and did it to spite him? - it's his problem.)
It means something to YOU - but this is something that you and your ex-lover are not on the same page about - and that's probably a good thing.

Just move on and don't think about this mistake - unless it's to figure out why it happened so you won't be making it again.
One relationship at a time!
If your marriage is missing something you can't live without - then end it and THEN move on to a relationship when you are free to do so.

Out of everything that happened, I really don't think his dog's name should be the part you're worrying about. If she has a cute nickname, maybe it's his wife who liked it in the first place and he felt too guilty saying no to her because of something related to you. Honestly, I think you're reading too much into it and looking for something to connect you to him now that the affair has ended. When he talks to/about his dog, he's not thinking about your daughter.

Bottom line - you need to let this man go. You must cut all emotional connections to him or you are continuing to cheat on your husband. It sounds like you've fully owned your actions and are committed to making your marriage work. So, don't check up on this guy, don't worry about his dog's name, and focus all of your time and energy on your husband and kids (while taking care of yourself, too).

If you're not in therapy yourself, I strongly suggest it. even if you're doing couples therapy, I think you would really benefit from doing some personal sessions too. You seem like you still have some issues to work out independently from your husband.

Here is some perspective- he has clearly moved on, and is starting fresh with his wife. Complete with a puppy. I doubt it has any semblance if nostalgia for you by naming the dog the same name.

Get yourself to a therapist, and move on with your own life. It's never wise to disclose of yourself so freely to any man that isn't your husband. I doubt he is torturring himself.

You broke your wedding vows.

I think instead of investing time cyberstalking someone or wondering why they picked a dog name, you should be investing in a therapist to get your marriage and/or life back on track.

I'm sure he never shared it with his wife and he probably doesn't associate the name with your daughter. I'm afraid your still pinning over this guy and guess what he's over it. Move on. Let it go totally. There was a time you felt the same intensity of connection with your husband.

It doesn't matter why he picked that name for his dog. You're asking the wrong questions and focusing on an extraneous detail instead of the big picture.

The one thing the dog question does help with is showing that you're not over it, and that means you're not 100% all-in into your marriage. You may still be married, but your husband doesn't have a whole wife.

Have you seen a counselor to help you work though the Whys of your past & present situations? There are reasons that you made the choices you did then, and reasons for what you're doing and feeling now. If you want to move forward you have to name those reasons and pick them apart so they stop having influence in your life.

Time alone will not fix things, you need to take an active hand in the fixing.

Put him in a little emotional box in your past, and let him go. Don't stalk him on FB and torture yourself. It's ok if he always means something to you.

Don't overthink or overanalyze the dog name -- the wife probably came up with it, and it doesn't matter anyway, it's his life, not yours. And most guys aren't as sentimental as we are; I highly doubt he's going to be thinking of your daughter every time he calls the dog.

I agree with the other ladies and suggest you work with an individual therapist to help you let this go. There's something not right that you care about this so much. The fact that you even care about this at all means you have unresolved feelings. Block him and don't allow yourself to look him up on Facebook again.

I think it's very likely that his wife liked the name for the dog, and he didn't want to put up a big stink about it lest it bring your name and family into their family issues. It's probably hard for him, as it is for you. I don't think that's the biggest problem here, though. I think it's easy to focus on that, but your need to "stalk" him on FB is more of an issue. It's okay that he will mean something to you, and you to him - but you "shared all your hopes and dreams" in a brief affair? I've been married a long time, and I think I probably still have stuff to share with my husband. You had an intense affair, and that intensity is what is lacking from the two marriages. I honestly think you should get some counseling to find out what you want, how to get it, and why you are distracted by the dog's name.

No good will come from cyberstalking him. Block him, do not look him up, move on. Whether or not it "means" anything doesn't matter. He's not your business.

Okay I could see why this would sting but really if you are fixating on it you probably should get some counseling. Sounds like you have some deep things to work on.
And I hate to say it girlfriend but I imagine the only real "issues" he had with his wife was that she was only one, and he wanted more.
Don't be a fool, making this into something more than it was, a fling.
Again, a counselor will help you see this.

I haven't read the other responses yet, so I hope I'm not repeating, but anyway…...

You have to understand that the intensity of your passion, curiosity, and interest in him will take time to die down. That kind of intensity, right or wrong, takes time to diminish.

In the meantime, however, you CAN do some things to keep from fanning the flames, as it were. STAY OFF of his FB page. Really. You must unfriend him, block him, and sever that tie COMPLETELY if you really want to get on with your life and reconnect with your husband. Unlike former high school boyfriends, with affairs, you CANNOT be "just friends." It's not possible for you, with your level of intensity, and it's not fair to your husband. So, right now, after you've read this, go to your FB account and unfriend and block. NO contact with him at all. Delete his number from your phone, if it's still there and take his email out of your contacts.

In addition, stop with the second-guessing of his motives. Could be anything, really, and realize that what he does has nothing to do with your life anymore. That's hard to accept, I realize. As you said, you shared "hopes and dreams" with him, but now you have to treat your relationship with him like a death. He must be dead to you.

I get that that sounds harsh, but IF you REALLY mean it that you want to stay with your husband and fully commit to him, start grieving this other guy so you can really feel internally that he is part of your PAST. As it is now, even though you live far from him, he is part of your present because you're making it that way.

If you have any mementos from him, get rid of them. Letters, emails, other reminders of the relationship----need to be gone. Your attention and your full presence must be with your real life, not with the fantasy of this past relationship.

When you find your thoughts drifting to him and your past, allow it MOMENTARILY; let yourself feel the sadness or whatever, and then immediately after that moment, think about the pain in your husband's face when he found out, think about how you gave away time to this affair that you could have given to your children. Do this every time you have thoughts of him. If you pair the fond memories with the current realities every single time, it will eventually become more unpleasant for you to dwell on him.

If you find that you cannot do these things on your own and continue to stay stuck thinking about him and allowing this to interfere with your present life, please seek professional help. No need to waste any more of your life on something that doesn't belong in it.

Good luck and hope you will soon move on from this.

J. F.

ooh ouch!! what a hard place!!

Unless he told his wife all that you shared and she knows you personally? I doubt this is a personal attack.

If they are back together and working on things, the last thing he is going to do is say 'Hey babe...that's Jane's daughter's name' - I think him saying something would be ripping the scab open all over again.

I would block his page - both his personal and non-profit so you can move on with your life.

If you can't do that? you need to get some counseling to let go of this and move on in life. That "passion" you had with him? You CAN have it with your husband - but you have to want it and as long as you are thinking of this man? You will continue to compare and stop yourself from having the best relationship with your husband.

Good luck! This won't be easy. But you CAN do it!

He probably just likes the name and you are over thinking it. There are names I would have considered for a child that I couldn't use because it was the name of a pet. And the other way around as well.

I would think that his wife doesn't know your daughter's name. This is probably the only thing he has left of you. I don't think it has anything to do with wanting or not wanting children. It's not like he can call the dog by YOUR name.

That's the way I would look at it if I were you.

Do yourself a really big favor, Mom. Block his facebook so that you can't, in a weak moment, easily type his name in and look at his facebook. Surely you two aren't still facebook friends? Obviously his facebook settings are not set very securely if you can see so much stuff. You don't want to be looking at his FB now. You really don't.

I don't know from what you say how you and your husband are doing now. If you are getting along, I really think that you should try to have a lot of sex with him. Just make yourself and think about what about him, sexually, makes you happy. If you need something to get excited beforehand, read a trash novel. It isn't about this guy - you don't want to think about this guy. You want very much to try to think about your husband. So get the trash novel and then start sex.

You are very lucky to still have your marriage in tact after the affair. If you haven't seen the movie, watch "The Big Chill". In it, JoBeth William's character pays not one bit of attention to what Glenn Close's character was trying to tell her about her affair with Alex just putting up a wall between them. It's worth watching the movie for just this alone...

I didn't read prior replies, so at the risk of repeating someone else, "Let sleeping dogs lie." Just stop. Find a new and healthy obsession. Fill your mind and schedule with so much that you don't have time to FB stalk him and think of all the "what if's" and do all those crazy things that we ladies can let ourselves do when trying to retrospectively analyze something.

Of course he named something he loves after something you love. It's his way of connecting and having that secret thought when he says the dog's name. It's rather romantic, like taking out a hidden love letter and reading it while your spouse is laying in bed next to you asleep. Not being unfaithful, just enjoying a special memory.

I've read a few of the responses below and see a lot of "oh, get over yourself."

So, I'm here to crack a joke.

Honey, maybe you just gave your daughter a really cute dog name. And from the moment he met you, all he'd thought about every time he heard your daughter's name is "that's a great dog name!"

My dog's name is Sneakers. I'm dying to find out if some kid out there shares her name. ;-)

You're reading waaaaay too much into this. You want to think he still loves you (maybe he does, but it doesn't matter). You are damn lucky your hubby 'forgave' you. You need to delete FB & focus on the people in your house!

Stay off of Facebook . You are lucky your husband stayed with you and you are being totally ungrateful by looking up the other persons Facebook page. Invest more time in your husband and appreciate what you have and the second chance you were given.