Ex-boyfriend Friend Request on Facebook

I guess for myself, any old flame is a no-zone for me. If we happen to meet by accident, in the grocery store (one does still live in town) I will not initiate a connection, but will be polite if they say hi. Connections to old boyfriends is a dangerous zone, less for some, more for others. I found out that an old crush of my husband's was calling him every four months or so, to complain about what a mess her life was. My husband did not hide this from me, and was open about it, but after a while it began to bother me. Because it bothered me, he put a stop to the calls; the feelings of his wife were more important than a phone call from an ex. The same goes for me, I do not keep in touch with any old boyfriend, and have stayed away from them on Facebook. As another mom said, YOU know you are devoted, but to others who do not know you so well and see you connecting with old flames, it could start talk. As for your husband, the fact that you never told him and he found out through other means would naturally get a rise out of him. Even if he dismisses this thought right away, there will still be the thought of "What is she hiding?" A man wants to know that he is everything to his wife, that she wants no one but him, and to find out that she is connecting with previous competition would absolutely make him feel less sure, less secure, and therefore hurt him.

Now, what I would suggest is this: it is reassurance time. Make a big deal out of paying attention to him; be smiling and happy to see him when he comes home. Kiss him as you pass by (even if it's just on the cheek). Make some of his favorite meals. Be the 'perfect' wife who adores and loves her husband! Tell him how much you love him in a moment he is least expecting it, and at other times mention a characteristic you love about him. Shower him with affection, and you will reassure him that he is your one and only.

Right now he is going through the doubting process of, "What if I am not good enough? Why did she want to connect with her old BF?" (We know you didn't mean anything by it, but this is what is going through his head.) Help heal the wound with love, and if an opportunity presents itself, apologize (yes, once more, hold on…), tell him that you didn't realize how it would appear, but now you do, and you never, ever intended to hurt him. That you will never friend an ex BF from now on, and that he is the only one you love and want to be with. Assure him that you are his as he is yours, and nothing will ever change that.

It might take another couple of days, but I have never known the "heal with love" tactic to fail. It works if my husband is going through something at work that turns my prince into a beast, and it works if I unwittingly do something to hurt him.

If he continues to draw it out pas those couple of days, don't get furious, but get firm and upset. Tell him that you understand he was hurt, but making you pay for something you fixed and apologized for is uncalled for. Again, don't start yelling, but just be firm in your words. You immediately ended the friend connection, in deference to him, and apologized, and spent time reaffirming your love for him. Now it is time for him to let go.

If you believe in God, pray. That your husband will return to normal, that you will have patience, that God would use this to strengthen your marriage.

I hope this helps. God bless!
M. D

3 moms found this helpful

Really? He's that mad over a friend request on a social networking website? That seems like over reacting to me. My husband and I have only been together for 4 years and he has his ex that he dated for 5 years (the 5 years right before me) on his page. I don't care. I have an ex-fiancee on my friends list and my husband doesn't care. These people played big parts in our lives and I refuse to act like they didn't exist. I think that's ridiculous. I know that he's not on his FB hitting on her and he knows the same about me. We just use FB to say "hey" to an old friend once in awhile. You've been together for 20 years and I would think he'd have put that old jealousy to bed by now. His reaction just seems WAY out of whack.

2 moms found this helpful

Any person my husband disputed on FB would be deleted from my friends list immediately. He is more importatnt to me than social networking "friends". I would never ever want to have someone on there that made him feel uncomfortable. You were right by deleting the contact.

Ex-s should never be FB friends unless they were from when you were a child or something. Also, if you ever had sex with this person, you need to not be friends with them if you are married. Men get extremely jealous about their wives. They don't want to think that another man ever saw their wife naked, let alone having her be friends with someone he knows saw her naked and shared intimate feelings with.

Your husband has every right to be angry. You would be furious if he befriended an ex girlfriend whom he was intimate with.

Give him time. He will hopefully get over his hurt. But, haven't you ever given him the cold shoulder or punished him for something stupid he has done?

2 moms found this helpful

I'm "friends" with two ex-boyfriends on FB. We don't really talk much, but every now and then say hey. He just got married and I'm sure his new wife doesn't like that he is friends with me on FB but oh well. You can't always like everything that your spouse does. My husband probably doesn't like the fact that I am friends with my ex on facebook, but he trusts me and isn't going to tell me what to do. My being friends with someone doesn't reflect badly on him and if it did, my husband isn't the type of person who cares what other people think anyway. It sounds like your husband is a bit insecure or has this "idea" of what a good woman (wife) should be like. He needs to get over himself before he realizes that his actions and the way he is reacting are more damaging to the relationship than your actions. Maybe he is looking for an excuse to act out?

2 moms found this helpful

Initially I thought the old boyfriend was stalking you. Instead you seem to have discovered some insecurity on your husbands part. How would you feel if he had his old girl friends friended? You might know you are devoted to him, but he needs to know it too. Focus less on the Facebook thing and see about some romantic evenings with him where you and he can re-connect. If that's not working, then it's time for some marriage counseling. My guess would be Facebook was a straw that brought an existing problem out into the open and it was probably not the first sign your marriage could use a tune up.

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Ha, My husband thinks its hysterical that your husband got mad. He says
"Your husband has the prize, why is he worried, unless he has feelings for old girlfriends.?"

Of course we have been married almost 30 years and my husband has met all of my old boyfriends and always called them "punks".. hee, hee.. He says he always know I was too good for any of them..

On FB there is a group you should check out..
"LOOKING BACK AT PEOPLE YOU DATED AND THINKIN "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING"

Gosh knows I do wonder..

2 moms found this helpful

Wow, must be something more going on with him other than you friending an ex. I have several of my exes on my Facebook and so does my husband. I have talked to my other girlfriends and they do too. If you don't have feelings for them, I don't think its a big deal. I wonder if he got so upset over the ex because he thinks you still have feelings for him or something?

1 mom found this helpful

I'm not on FB but do have a myspace account. I have 2 of my ex boyfriends as friends. My husband also has one of his ex girlfriends on there also. Neither one of us has a problem with this. We have been together for 10 years. These were all relationships that had ended with us being friends and losing touch over time. We found each other again and send emails occassionally. What's the big deal. We both love each other and are very solid in our relationship. It's not like we are meeting up with them and going out, it's just a few emails during the year to keep in touch. Some people are just insecure. The fact that you deleted him after your discussion with your husband should be good enough. You respected his point of view. After 20 years an ex should mean absolutly nothing, he is just someone from your past.

1 mom found this helpful

I call things like I see them...

Tell him to get over it (nicely). That is so childish. I have about 6 ex boyfriend's on facebook. My husband won. (OK, well, I joke with him and tell him that he lost - cuz I'm such a pain in the @$$.) My husband does not keep in touch with his ex girlfriend's but if we ever did, I'd love to hear about their relationship, etc. In fact, just out of curiosity, I found one of my husband's exes on facebook. I'm not lame enough to contact her - that would be...strange. If he contacted her, that would be fine with me.

Taking things one step further....my children are watched 2 nights a week, so my DH and I can work , by one my local ex boyfirends' moms. She loves those kids like they are her grandchildren. She was the maid of honor at our wedding. I see her 3 sons around town and in my professional life, I help out my exes wife. In fact, they were just in motorcycle accident last week and his mom brought his wife over to the house after being discharged from the hospital. He was still in ICU. She hugged me and held on for dear life. She was so scared for his life. This has taken her years to do. She's a little insecure, but I think I adequately showed her there's no need to feel insecure.

I still have dinner with my most significant ex (DW), when he is in town for business. My husband's not a huge fan of his, but he knows nothing is going on. DW will fly from the opposite coast and I'll meet him at his hotel and we drive to dinner...or lunch, etc. We just catch up. I asked him to bring his wedding album about 8 years ago and he did. I loved seeing it and hearing all of the stories. His wife has no idea that he dated anyone besides her and while I think he should he honest, I'm not in his marriage. She has no idea I even exist. I'd rather tell my husband I'm meeting him for dinner than lie, even a lie of omission....even if he doesn't like it a ton.

I've been with my husband for 11 years and we have 3 kids. I'm clearly not going anywhere. LOL

1 mom found this helpful

I had the same thing happen. My high school boyfriend and I were friends on facebook. My husband was so upset. I also stopped communicating with my old boyfriend at my husband's request because it was not worth the problems it was causing with my husband. I think both my husband and your husband's reaction was based on some deeper insecurity or issue with the relationship. You need to talk to him about it but eventually he will get over it. I personally do not think it is a big deal to communicate with old boyfriends/girlfriends on facebook as long as it is truly just catching up with an old friend. It would not bother me if my husband did it but it bothered him so I had to respect his feelings.

1 mom found this helpful

I hate FB. That being said people pop up in your mind at odd times and you popped up in your ex-BF after 20 years. This is not a plot to get you back. Poeple are curious how your life has gone after all these years etc. Since your DH knows he is a good guy his reaction is crazy. We all have a past and frankly if you are a mature and responsible person, as you sound to be you should be able to have friendships if you desire from people of your past. I have an ex who was a major part of my life. My hubs and him get along and we still keep in touch because of mutual friends when he is in town he normally has anew GF that he runs by me and hubs to get approval(lol). There is nothing underlying and my husband is secure. 20 years with your hubs and he reacts like this? Let him relax, you deleted the friendship that should be enough. If it isn't then what is your hubs hiding? People who over-react normally do because they have quilty feelings about something they have done. My opinion. Let him chill.

1 mom found this helpful

I think my husband would be upset too if I did that...... There is really no reason to be "friends" with someone you're really not friends with.

I think you should sit down and have another heart to heart talk with him. Make sure to tell him why HE is the one you love and tell him the reasons you respect him.

1 mom found this helpful

Wait a minute... Am I getting this right? You have been with your husband for almost 20 years, so whatever you had with this college friend is 20 years ago? Am I the only one finding it unbelievable that after 20 years your husband still does not trust you enough to be "a friend" with someone in facebook? You get my message: I think he is overreacting.

1 mom found this helpful

Ironically, my husband called while I was reading this message so I asked him. He thinks it's impossible to answer without knowing everything about the situation.

In his case, he's had to deal with me having many male friends including ex-boyfriends. There have been no reasons for him to question my fidelity (and my husband is one of my FB friends as well), so he's OK with it.

His first thought is that this runs much deeper than the FB issue (as others have indicated) and to your husband's insecurities.

From reading the other responses, I see a big issue. I'm not a wife that will allow my husband to change me for his own securities if I am doing nothing wrong. We've been to hell and back together a few times (cancer, finances, lost jobs), and we've learned to trust each other explicitly.

But, I do think it's necessary to find out what your husband is struggling with regarding this particular ex-boyfriend. The truth is that you've been his wife all these years. You can't change the past, the people that were in it, and in your message he acknowledges that this ex was a positive influence in your life at the time.

Good luck figuring this out. Make sure to nurture your husband and understand his issues, but don't change who you are in the process.

1 mom found this helpful

Does your husband normally overreact to little things? Otherwise, I would suspect that something else is going on. Maybe your husband feels guilty over some FB friendships he has.

Even if your husband doesn't want to move on, you should. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I think your husband is over reacting - i had a friend from a previous employment on there and it was a guy and my husband sent me an e-mail telling me that he logged into my account and deleted the mother ******. I thought it was a hidious thing he did. Unless your intentions are to meet men on facebook or to "hook up" with your exes for other purposes other than keeping in touch, then it's ridiculous for him to be over exaggerated of the situation. Play the reverse phsychology on him ask him if he has something he's hiding... not that he isn't but when woman and men cheat - they tend to be more vulnerable and more sensitive to situations like this. I played that on my husband and he was totally oblivious to the question but a week later i found out he had been talking to one of the other girls at work and it was socially nothing for me to be worried about. Men can be so urgghhh i don't even know the name for them at times. They are the most sensitive creatures - when their sick, forget it the whole world comes down. when their hurt omg the whinning doesn't stop - and when they feel their feelings have gotten hurt - they cry too much about it. They're worse than woman on PMS. Your husband is taking this way too far unlesss you've given him a reason to react this way. or in some odd way he's feeling insecure about himself. is this ex better looking?? did you have a great time with him??? is he younger??? all that can come out of this rage he has going on. I would love to contact my ex-boyfriend because he was such a great friend. it was a relationship that never went any where but if I ever needed anything from him, he was always right there to offer. and we need friends like that, because sometimes we're not always able to count on our better halves because they know us too well.
I think you've given your husband plenty of time to vent or to mope around. He needs to get a grip of it and realize your are his and you are not going anywhere. And even though he asked you to delete him, that was very childish of him to do. All because this was an ex, how many other male friends do you have on your friends list?? And how do you know if his facebook inlcudes exes on there?? Don't be affraid to stand your ground and if he needs to think some more, then maybe he should do it in a hotel room until he's realized how stupid it is for him to act that way. and stop frustrating you too.

I hope everything gets better... take care!!!

1 mom found this helpful

Ahhhh Facebook... notorious relationship killer. I totally see your innocence from a female point of view, but I see your husbands side too. My man is friends with a lot of his exes, and his ex wifes best friend on Facebook... while I know it's really to simply show these women how awesome he's doing (with me!) it still pisses me off. Like, WHY?? Why bother? What are you getting out of being friends with an ex? The answer: NOTHING (except a headache from your hubs). Have some respect for the man you married (as silly ans stupid as it seems to you) and delete the ex. This is one of thjose ridiculous arguements I've had to learn to brush off... it's just not worth it honey :)

1 mom found this helpful

If your DH does not want you to be friends with the ex then you follow his wishes.This could put major undue stress on your marriage , Stress that could be prevented.

I think you need to just give him time and do what you can to help him get over it. My DH despises FB and would feel the same way your DH does, so thats all that matters to me. He can't even stand that I am involved with it with my best friends. FB is a new world, the whole online thing is a new world, breeding new feelings, so while some may think its ridiculous, others may not, when it comes to who you are "socializing" with. Put yourself in his shoes...how would you feel if he had an ex as an FB friend. Even if you aren't actively communicating its still a way to "keep up" on people, think about them, see what they are up to and put them in YOUR life one way or another. Give him some space and try to understand why he is feeling this way. I hope it gets better soon.

Men think differently than women, basically men have sex on the brain most of the time. So you innocently accepted the invite and your DH immediately thought of you having sex with this man 20 or so years ago. Jealously loomed and he is reacting as if it were yesterday. There is no reasoning with them, just let it go, whatever you do DO NOT mention it any more. He will get over it, maybe. But there isnt anything you can do about it except be patient.

Well...my own husband did me a number by going to the 2006 world cup with a 'friend' and stayed with her with mutual friends one of whom has three young girls. Now it's been four years and for the most part I've gotton past it, but you're right it takes TIME and any mention or reference of the offender makes it worse. What you said about pulling away yourself is very true cause it happened to me and is still causing problems. I cannot seem to reconnect. I still love him but I just don't see him as the same man I trusted. I also believe we have definately grown apart. (These are things that could happen if you are not careful)!
If you both love each other start with the space first but always reach out - do things, converse a lot and show him as much as possible that he is who you love. Men have egos ( women's are a bit worse by the way)
Make attempts to plan outings together and see where it goes from there.
J. S

Heck! It was openly on Facebook! You didn't have a secret affair!!! Your husband seems insecure by blowing this all out of proportion.

I think your husband is jealous. I have ex boyfriends on my account on facebook and he has ex girlfriends on there. If you guys have a good relationship you wouldn't get jealous over silly things like being friends with your ex's on facebook.

Facebook is so evil

I'm glad to hear that you love and respect your husband enough to have deleted your ex from your friends. I say just give him some time to cool down, and while you're waiting, do extra nice things for him that show him that you still love him, and that you're really sorry for hurting him. I know that if my husband were to add one of his ex's, I'd be upset, too. And it would take more than him deleting her for me to get over it. So just give your hubby some time. It will pass soon. Good luck!