My college boyfriend sent me a friend request on Facebook, which I accepted thinking it was no big deal. He's a good person and we still have a handful of friends in common that we each keep in touch with, even though we're not in touch with each other anymore. I didn't think it was an issue and never though to mention this to my husband. DH openly admits that the ex is a good guy who played a positive role at the time. However, my husband is FURIOUS that I accepted the friend request. He feels that I've humiliated him and am not being a proper wife. Even though I really feel he is being dramatic and blowing this out of proportion (no, I did not invalidate his feelings by saying this to him), at his request I immediately removed the friend connection. But it's been a few days now and he's moody and withdrawn and it's very frustrating. We have a really good relationship (been together for almost 20 years) and communicate well, and I know he needs his space to "work it out" in his head, but I'm really getting frustrated and hurt by his cold shoulder. I'm truly sorry that I hurt him (and have told him this), but it's frustrating playing the waiting game for him to decide when we get to move on from all of this.
Maybe I'm being selfish for wanting him to rush through his healing process, but I don't want to be completely annoyed and frustrated that when he comes around I'm not able to. Ugh. Have any of you been in this sort of situation? Any sort of feedback would be appreciated. Thanks.
Thank you all for giving me the support I needed to be patient and not feel so hurt and sad. I really needed someone to hear me and give some perspective, and you did just that. As I stated in my question, I did delete the connection and DH is working though his myriad feelings that have gone along with this episode. We had some very comforting and loving moments last night and you all helped me be open and receptive rather than angry or resentful. From here it'll just be taking each day as it comes until this is all forgotten.
You ladies are continuing to send in really interesting and helpful responses... thank you! We all have our 'husband issues' and handle them as necessary for our specific circumstances. I've gained some valuable insight from your perspectives, and it seems a lot of other women have as well. Thanks for listening to me when I needed it. That's why I love this site-- you're not a bunch of fakes trying to one-up each other by bragging, etc, but instead REAL WOMEN who have real lives and real opinions. May God bless each and every one of you.
Wow, must be something more going on with him other than you friending an ex. I have several of my exes on my Facebook and so does my husband. I have talked to my other girlfriends and they do too. If you don't have feelings for them, I don't think its a big deal. I wonder if he got so upset over the ex because he thinks you still have feelings for him or something?
So I know you already responded to everyone- which is actually how I caught the question. I didn't think I would have anything to add with over 25 answers to you already.... but guess what? I do! *grin*
So, some missed that you already deleted the guy and your biggest problem now is not the FB issue as much as how to get your hubby to move on and get back to normal, right?
Yup. That is right. I could be entirely wrong here- but my gut says that you are probably like most couples and actually let something like this pull you apart in the bedroom too. Be the opposite. Sex is a great healer. I think that is really why we should save it for marriage personally- but it is a way to communicate that is beyond words. Add to that: women need love to have sex; men need sex to have love. It really is true. But here, you need to use the love that you have (so deep that you did not even question and simply deleted mr. ex) and fire up the marital suite!
Put on something horribly simple, but underneath be sexy for him (whatever gets him going, lingerie, nothing, granny pants, etc you know what I mean) and then in no uncertain terms TELL him that you are dressed that way, that you are planning on using that fact tonight and that you WILL be having YOUR "O" and he WILL be having his. Then go finish making dinner. Make sure that master bedroom is ready (no laundry on the bed or floor in the way!) and that the other distractions of the evening DO NOT wear you out. Think of the romance you had when you first started out and all the amazing things he does that make you love him... that will get you going- so you can get him going- and then the dams will burst- on his wall of indifference.
My point is, sometimes men don't know what they are thinking, so they just need to act. That is why they would rather go play a sport with strange men than talk and watch a chick flick. So let him act. Go where ever it needs to go- be ALL his. Remind him that YOU are HIS and HE is YOURS. 100%. He just needs reassurance and a way to reconnect. Sex is the way.
Oh- and if you have been having sex and it is still going on, let me ask (rhetorical, no need to answer me) is it the generic sex or are you being creative and giving him a way to work through this? If generic look at the ways you could give him in the bedroom to re-claim what is his. Be his victorian virgin, be his 'master', be his 'first'... I know you get the picture and I apologize if it seems brash to answer this way- but it is the honest truth and trying to be any more delicate than I have would weaken the point.
Good luck to you.
PS.... a few ladies were dead on with that whole bait and switch thought... most humans become defensive when they are wrong. If he is really still going hard at this you need to do both of you a favor and make sure he is not cheating or on the slippery slope to it himself. He may not even realize he is. If so, please, please, please, go get some counseling. 20 years is a huge investment, but trust me, it is not a guarantee for forever without constant work (which is sounds like you want to give! Hang in there!)
From another perpsective, I am the ex-girlfriend who sent out a friend request on FB and was rejected by my now married-with-children highschool sweetheart. I really couldn't understand why he wouldn't accept my friendship. Afterall, it has been thirty three years since our love affair and being over 1000 miles away and long "over it", I didn't see that our FB friendship would be any threat at all. I just wanted to catch up and hear about how his life turned out. Apparently HE saw it as a threat and thought it best that we remain apart. Hurt and rejected, I walked away with my tail between my legs.
I really appreciate hearing the other side. I don't have to take it personally anymore. I didn't do it to cause any turmoil in his life, it was just selfish curiosity on my part, I guess. Thank you for your post. I feel better now with a little perspective. Good luck to you.
Sorry to hear about the stress and I know this is delayed but Buddhism has a little insight that I would like to share with you. This could be you or your husband. When you are suffering (we all suffer to some degree) and you think that the suffering has been created by the person you love most in the world, it is most difficult. If it had been someone else who had said that or done that to you, without a doubt, you would be suffering less. But in this case, the person you love most in the world who said/did that to you, so you suffer more. You are deeply hurt by the fact that your suffering was caused by the person you love most. You feel like going into my room, closing the door, staying by myself, crying. You refuse to go ask them for help. Now pride is the obstacle. (I know I feel like this when I get hurt, whatever the cause of it)
According to the Buddha, there is no place for pride in true love. If you are suffering, every time you suffer, you must go ask the person in question for their help. That is true love. Do not let pride keep you apart. If you think your love for this person is true love, then you must overcome your pride. You must always go to him/her. Practice in your mind before you go to that person, "Dear one, I am suffering, please help." This sounds simple but is hard to do.
Then we must have compassion and understanding for the other. Even if we did not do anything wrong, that person is suffering and if we can help them, we should. A misconception or misperception can destroy a family. We all have insecurities. We all would really just like someone to be there for us and love us unconditionally. A smile, love, and a calm, peaceful heart can bring joy to another. We must nurture our feelings, even when they are uncomfortable so we can transform them instead of suppress them.
"FB is being cited in almost one in five of online divorce petitions, lawyers have claimed." Got that from an online article - that is 20% of divorces!
I'm just saying that we all need to protect our marriages if we want them to last - which is a rare thing nowadays. Once you start thinking that you are above all that and it would never happen to you or your marriage is when you take your first step on a slippery slope.
I'm in the same situation except my husband was the with the "friend" . I was told that social network is a rising cause for divorce even above money.. There are lots of articles out there advising you to be cautious . Facebook opens the door for people who should stay in your past.
This started 2 weeks ago and we are still dealing with it. I think you are going to have to give him time and lots of love and prove that you are trust worthy
Here is the article:
I know just about everyone loves all of the social networking sites that have sprouted up within the last few years. I am not about to say that they are evil, but I recommend that people in a marriage watch their steps around such platforms. I agree that whoever created these sites must be a genius and I'm not going to mention any of these social networking names, but I am going to stress the necessity of caution for any married couple. Continue reading and you will understand why I am stressing this point.
Why would anyone say this? First, these sites can open the door to distrust among partners. Usually the social networking sites allow people to meet with friends or ex boyfriends/girlfriends from long ago. This is all fine and dandy, but it just might cause a little animosity towards your significant other. I am sure you are thinking that I am just being paranoid. Maybe I am and maybe I am not! I have heard many couples who have forbidden their significant other from allowing them to make contact with their
exes while using social networking sites. I have even heard instances where an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend has contacted a spouse via a social networking site. Often the other partner may feel betrayed and even the slightest amount of distrust can harm a marriage especially one that is already in jeopardy. In other words, I am only abducting a slight amount of caution when using social networking sites. Even the strongest level of trust can be weekend by a single incident. It could often take years to rebuild that trust. Trust is very important in any marriage. Marriages tend to fall apart when there is no trust.
Another important issue with social networking sites is that they take away what little time a married couple has together. So many people are absorbed into these sites that they lose track of time. Time is always very important in a relationship. Every couple needs a certain amount of time together to hold that relationship together and to hopefully grow that relationship. For me it can be frustrating to find my spouse glued to the computer while using a social networking site. Unfortunately, these sites tend to lower productivity at home; not to mention at work. It's always good to keep in touch with friends and family, but there are better more constructive ways to do so. There are even ways that your significant other can also be included in. Always try to include your significant other into what you are doing. In the long run this will prevent any hurt feelings toward one another. In conclusion, be careful when using social networking sites while in a relationship.
Hope that helps and you did good by "unfriending" this person right away.
It is incredulous that we have to drop innocent relationships because one partner is insecure. My God! Are we now owned by our spouses? I am appalled that we have to feel guilty about platonic relationships and put up with hissy fits all to placate pouting partners that have no business pouting.
I can't believe all these responses! How would you feel if one of his Ex's wanted to keep up with him? Be honest;-) You would probably feel threatened.. Why do alllll these women want to stay in contact with ex-boyfriends? Why? They were lovers not just friends.. how many marriages have been broken up by the internet? Lots. Most of these women that are saying that it's ok to keep those connections are the same women saying.
"I want my husband to listen to my feelings and my concerns". Well is it that they want both-- do what ever they want but then dis the husband when you has feeling-- right or wrong -- it is how he feels.. He should come before FB
I don’t think your husband is overacting. I think being friends with exes on social networking sites can cause trouble for even stable marriages. Although we might think the interaction is harmless, it can lead us to vulnerable situations. Its one thing if we just used the networking sites as a means for “saying hello”, but it can open the door to our personal relationships and lead to future problems (i.e., insecurities by our current partner, temptations that can lead to potential infidelities, etc.). Sometimes our marriages can be weakened with societal pressures, demanding jobs and the everyday stress of raising a family. Once we bring exes into the equation we are vulnerable as human beings. When we open our lives up to exes, then we open ourselves up to temptation. The more we confide in the opposite sex, the more we jeopardize our current relationship. I say enjoy Facebook but keep it in perspective. Only accept friends that your partner is comfortable with and always take action keeping in mind how it would make your spouse feel. Also remind yourself how would you feel if it was in the reverse? It might be hard and you’ll have to swallow your pride, but reach out to your husband and give him more physical affection. Men need physical interaction to feel confident in the relationship. Just show him love and in time your relationship will heal.
Forget about Facebook or not Facebook... I think it's important to find out what is behind your husband's reaction. It doesn't look like a reasonable one. Maybe it would be helpful to have a couple of sessions with a therapist, using this episode as an excuse to talk about other things that may be going on (his extreme insecurity is something to be concerned about after being together for so long).
Although you Husband has a right to his feelings, I would be furious if my husband denied me my past. I use face book to keep in touch with so many, including my first love and my first fiance. My husband knows this, and is open and accepting to the fact that I have a past that is still important to me, and to who I am. My opinion is that your Husband need to get over his insecurities and learn to trust the woman he is married to.
In my opinion, the "problem" was in not disclosing the "friending" immediately. "Hey, you know who friended me yesterday on Facebook, SoandSo. I just said yes, weird, huh?" or something to that effect. I, personally dont mind my husband communicating with friends of the opposite sex (ex's or otherwise). But his friends and mine know there is a completely clear line of communication with my husband, no secrets. If a guy friend tells me something, he might as well be telling my husband, cuz he's gonna hear it. I think that communication with your spouse is what keeps your relationship unique amongst the other relationships in your life. When you are 90 and in a nursing home with your spouse, what's the one thing youd have left.... Communication.
I saw this topic, and I just couldn't believe it! Just a few days ago, I received a friend request from the ex right before my husband. We hadn't spoken in years, and he was a really good friend as well, so I accepted his request. I immediately told my husband, and he was fine with it. However, the next day, when I was talking about everything with my husband, he started to act strangely about it. When we sat and talked, it came out that he had two of his exes, one being his first wife, cheat on him with someone that was supposedly just a friend from their past. This had made him very nervous about such friendships, but he also realized that I have never given him a reason to not trust me. After I made it very clear that this was indeed just a friend now, he relaxed. It is always so hard to know what to do... when is it ok to make a choice that makes you happy, even if it makes your spouse a little unhappy. To make the other choice of walking away from the friendship means you are doing something to make your spouse happy that is going to make YOU unhappy. 99.9 % of the choices that I make everyday are in the best interest of my spouse's happiness, and that of our children, whether it truly makes me happy or not. Usually, I try for the choices that will make everyone happy, but that's not always posssible. Sometimes, it is up to him to make me happy at the exspense of his own minor discomfort. Of course, you have to ask yourself how important this person is to you? If their friendship really means a lot to you, then you shouldn't be asked to give it up. My husband knows that I love him, and I'm not going to do anything to hurt our relationship. His insecurities were based on bigger unresolved issues from his past, not my actions. I know this situation is different than mine, in several aspects, but I do feel that a common factor is the underlying problem. His reaction was way to big for it to not be a bigger trust issue. Communication is everything... best of luck!
I'm sorry but each successive relationship in my life has known who was in my past. I still have photo albums with old boyfriends, etc. My grown children have met some of my old boyfriends!! These relationships are what made me know who and what I wanted in a relationship!! Facebook is not evil anymore than anything else-it is how it used by some that make it evil!! I am teaching my 18yo to say hi to old boyfriends, introduce them to the current.
Sounds like you are already working past this, but wanted to add my thoughts. Facebook is only evil if you use it for evil purposes. There is no reason to suspect any issues unless there is poor trust in the relationship to begin with. I am friends with about a dozen ex boyfriends from HS/college and so is my husband. We have no interest in frequent contact other than a comment here or there about a status update or photo. It's interesting to see where they are in their lives. They used to be an important part of my social circle and would seem strange not to include them in my friends.
That being said, ONE of my exes wives, sounds like your husband. She gets so nervous and freaked out whenever one of his ex girlffriends (or really any girl for that matter) makes any kind of somewhat flirtatious comment to him (he was voted most flirtatious in HS, so it's just how girls talk to him). He never removes them from his friends, but he does limit his fb activity. In fact at one point last year his wife kicked him out for a fb friend who then began texting him, etc. I actually feel bad for him because no matter what he does she is watching him and making him feel guilty. But the bottom line is that she doesn't trust him and never has. He has confided all this to me and my husband knows all about it and has never once shown signs of jealousy. I love that he trusts me and it makes us closer for it. I hope you can gain this kind of trust in your relationship. Good luck.
Um...I don't see the problem. Apparently your husband has more of a problem with this guy then he mentioned. Maybe he should start by being honest with you! Seems to me you deserve an answer to being accused of humiliating him. Sometimes we act impetuously and temperamentally when our chickens have come home to roost and we feel guilty about a past transgression..or perhaps a hurt from something previous to you comes up..either way he owes you an answer..you apollogized and it sounds like he is just being a baby that needs to grow up..or that he is deliberately trying to make you feel bad or there is something more going on that he is feeling guilty about. Don't turn the tables you give him what he wants if you tell him "You are hurting me!" (He knows he is hurting you and he's doing it on purpose..you did not do it on purpose.) After 20 years he ought to know better. Give him a piece of my mind for me!
This topic totally intrigued me and I really enjoyed reading everyone's responses (so sorry that it happened to be at your expense, though). I just love FB - my husband, not so much - he's just not into it. I have several Ex's as friends there and my husband really didn't care until my ex-HUSBAND friended me, which I accepted. Ha! Really, I didn't know what to say, he and I were married for 7 yrs, have our 2 kids together, co-parent really well, have been happily divorced for 5 years, and are both remarried. He's mutual friends with many of my friends and family members, including my father and brother. Although, my husband's point to being mad about the FB thing was that we already had him in our lives all the time anyway, why do you need to invite him in even further?
So, long story short, I de-friended ex after several months of him being irritating on my page, and my husband sulking. Then, husband and I were talking about it and he came to realize how it was really more of a control issue for both men anyway (ex trying to "check up" on me and husband trying to prevent me from having/continuing to have friendship with ex). My husband said that when he thought about it in those terms that he was silly to be so upset about it and that I had every right to be friends with anyone I wanted and that he was over the whole issue. About that same time, ex questioned why I de-friended him (he's a little dense sometimes), and I was honest about why. He was surprisingly cool about it and said he would behave and wanted to be FB friends again. Eventually, I thought that it sent the wrong message to everyone (including my kids) to NOT be friends with their dad. We ARE friends, and we are very openly OK with each other, so why not? Husband is now just fine with it because he knows that I am his wife, but that I also wouldn't be the person I am without the relationship I had with the ex.
Tell him to get over himself, your with him now and this guy is a ex for a reason and still a friend. If he is a friend you have the right to treat him as such and add him as a friend on your websites just as you would any other friends. Atleast that is my opinion.
It sounds like you all have a good relationship, however I think your husband is reacting out of fear and insecurity. Also, if there are things that have happened in the past that have challenged your relationship, he could be holding on to that. Past hurts can really take time to heal.
I guess for myself, any old flame is a no-zone for me. If we happen to meet by accident, in the grocery store (one does still live in town) I will not initiate a connection, but will be polite if they say hi. Connections to old boyfriends is a dangerous zone, less for some, more for others. I found out that an old crush of my husband's was calling him every four months or so, to complain about what a mess her life was. My husband did not hide this from me, and was open about it, but after a while it began to bother me. Because it bothered me, he put a stop to the calls; the feelings of his wife were more important than a phone call from an ex. The same goes for me, I do not keep in touch with any old boyfriend, and have stayed away from them on Facebook. As another mom said, YOU know you are devoted, but to others who do not know you so well and see you connecting with old flames, it could start talk. As for your husband, the fact that you never told him and he found out through other means would naturally get a rise out of him. Even if he dismisses this thought right away, there will still be the thought of "What is she hiding?" A man wants to know that he is everything to his wife, that she wants no one but him, and to find out that she is connecting with previous competition would absolutely make him feel less sure, less secure, and therefore hurt him.
Now, what I would suggest is this: it is reassurance time. Make a big deal out of paying attention to him; be smiling and happy to see him when he comes home. Kiss him as you pass by (even if it's just on the cheek). Make some of his favorite meals. Be the 'perfect' wife who adores and loves her husband! Tell him how much you love him in a moment he is least expecting it, and at other times mention a characteristic you love about him. Shower him with affection, and you will reassure him that he is your one and only.
Right now he is going through the doubting process of, "What if I am not good enough? Why did she want to connect with her old BF?" (We know you didn't mean anything by it, but this is what is going through his head.) Help heal the wound with love, and if an opportunity presents itself, apologize (yes, once more, hold on…), tell him that you didn't realize how it would appear, but now you do, and you never, ever intended to hurt him. That you will never friend an ex BF from now on, and that he is the only one you love and want to be with. Assure him that you are his as he is yours, and nothing will ever change that.
It might take another couple of days, but I have never known the "heal with love" tactic to fail. It works if my husband is going through something at work that turns my prince into a beast, and it works if I unwittingly do something to hurt him.
If he continues to draw it out pas those couple of days, don't get furious, but get firm and upset. Tell him that you understand he was hurt, but making you pay for something you fixed and apologized for is uncalled for. Again, don't start yelling, but just be firm in your words. You immediately ended the friend connection, in deference to him, and apologized, and spent time reaffirming your love for him. Now it is time for him to let go.
If you believe in God, pray. That your husband will return to normal, that you will have patience, that God would use this to strengthen your marriage.
How ironic, I, too, have recently gone through this same situation. Got a friend request from an ex that I haven't spoken to since the day we broke up 10 years ago. We still have mutual friends so I thought it would be no big deal to accept the request. Well, he sent me a message saying how good I looked and how nice it was to see me in a happy relationship. My husband gets on my FB account now and then because he doesn't have one of his own and I have no problem with that. Unfortunately he saw the message from the ex and it sent him for a loop. But in a different way. He didn't react well to the fact that another man said that I looked good. He has become the most loving and respectful husband! We have not had an argument in over two months! I love what this has done to our relationship. While some may have seen this break their relationship, it has only made ours stronger. Oh, and I deleted my ex as a friend.
Really? He's that mad over a friend request on a social networking website? That seems like over reacting to me. My husband and I have only been together for 4 years and he has his ex that he dated for 5 years (the 5 years right before me) on his page. I don't care. I have an ex-fiancee on my friends list and my husband doesn't care. These people played big parts in our lives and I refuse to act like they didn't exist. I think that's ridiculous. I know that he's not on his FB hitting on her and he knows the same about me. We just use FB to say "hey" to an old friend once in awhile. You've been together for 20 years and I would think he'd have put that old jealousy to bed by now. His reaction just seems WAY out of whack.
I can understand your husband's concern but one question did you and the ex keep the conversation in it's proper place. If you did then your husband reaction is too much. He should let you know he doesn't like it to stop the connection. But he is acting like you may have been improper with your ex. If you not, your husband is going way overboard.
It is too easy, with one little click of the mouse to make a decision
that needs consideration. If it was intended as a secret relationship,
that is one thing, but if innocent of deceit, tell husband that you were
wrong and you understand why he would react, and it will not happen
again. That is all you can do. THEN step back.
Validate his reaction. It's what we all want: validation.
OMG What a diverse set of answers. I won't pretend to know the "correct" answer but will pose this question (and I swear by the statement "Ex's are ex's for a reason). Why can't we be friends with people we have known and enjoyed earlier in our life, be they male or female? If this was an ex-roommate (female variety) it is most likely that your husband would have no issues with this. After 20 something years your husband has to know that you are a faithful and loving wife. How did you humiliate him? By being a friend to someone that is from your past? Did you sleep with the ex on facebook? Did you tell your whole world of mutual friends that you contacted him? No---so I agree with a previous poster- Hubby needs to get over himself. My husband would get the cold shoulder (and cold everything else from me) if I could not be allowed to make my own decisions as to whom I speak with. I am not so sure this is about trust as it is about CONTROL. You really need to evaluate this further.
Put yourself in your husbands position....What if an Ex~Girlfriend requested him as a friend? How would that make you feel? and How 'soon' do YOU think you'd get over that? An EX is an EX for a REASON...
Any person my husband disputed on FB would be deleted from my friends list immediately. He is more importatnt to me than social networking "friends". I would never ever want to have someone on there that made him feel uncomfortable. You were right by deleting the contact.
Ex-s should never be FB friends unless they were from when you were a child or something. Also, if you ever had sex with this person, you need to not be friends with them if you are married. Men get extremely jealous about their wives. They don't want to think that another man ever saw their wife naked, let alone having her be friends with someone he knows saw her naked and shared intimate feelings with.
Your husband has every right to be angry. You would be furious if he befriended an ex girlfriend whom he was intimate with.
Give him time. He will hopefully get over his hurt. But, haven't you ever given him the cold shoulder or punished him for something stupid he has done?
Seems like your DH needs to get a life! If your marriage is as good as you say it is- why does he have such an issue with this?? What is the big deal?
So give him his space to "WORK IT OUT" and in the mean time- go live your life- seems like a control issue to me.
How would you have felt if the shoe was on the other foot? I know I would have been very upset also give him time to forgive and he will in his own time so, be that patient and understanding person that I sure you have had to be some other time in your relationship. Give it to God and never do any thing to your love that you would not like him to do to me.
Even though there's nothing "wrong" about still being in contact with an ex-boyfriend, it's not a good idea. Married women should avoid exes as much as possible. It's just not worth it. It will only make your husband insecure and, depending on what sort of person you are and how you feel about the ex, it may tempt you into doing something stupid that would put your marriage in jeopardy. It may also send the ex the wrong message, making him think you are interested in doing something stupid with him. If you are just curious how he's doing and where life has taken him since you were together, ask your common friends. If you happen to run into him around town, feel free to chat with him, but do not add him to your friends list, give him your phone number, or arrange to meet him sometime. That's just asking for trouble. Think how you would feel if your husband was hanging around with an ex-girlfriend of his.
Initially I thought the old boyfriend was stalking you. Instead you seem to have discovered some insecurity on your husbands part. How would you feel if he had his old girl friends friended? You might know you are devoted to him, but he needs to know it too. Focus less on the Facebook thing and see about some romantic evenings with him where you and he can re-connect. If that's not working, then it's time for some marriage counseling. My guess would be Facebook was a straw that brought an existing problem out into the open and it was probably not the first sign your marriage could use a tune up.
I'm "friends" with two ex-boyfriends on FB. We don't really talk much, but every now and then say hey. He just got married and I'm sure his new wife doesn't like that he is friends with me on FB but oh well. You can't always like everything that your spouse does. My husband probably doesn't like the fact that I am friends with my ex on facebook, but he trusts me and isn't going to tell me what to do. My being friends with someone doesn't reflect badly on him and if it did, my husband isn't the type of person who cares what other people think anyway. It sounds like your husband is a bit insecure or has this "idea" of what a good woman (wife) should be like. He needs to get over himself before he realizes that his actions and the way he is reacting are more damaging to the relationship than your actions. Maybe he is looking for an excuse to act out?
I was drawn to your question and concerns because of curiosity as well as wondering how my husband has handled this issue. I think you did the right thing by deleting him as a friend. My husband has nothing to do with facebook. And thinks it's a waste of time. So he never goes on or checks my page either. But I personally feel somehwhat guilty at times for talking to "male freinds". What I have done is always tell him immediatly when someone requests my friendship, if its a male and make sure he is okay with it. So far he doesnt seem to be concerned. And he really shouldnt be. I wonder if keeping it from your husband is what upset him the most. I know it would bother me ( the secret) if the tables were turned. So I try and tell my husband everything. If I feel even a " little sense of guilt", then I just don't do it and go with my gut feelings. So far it's worked in our marriage. And my husband does the same. We try and talk about any ex's in a healthy way, Such as "Oh I ran into so and so today", or so and so called me about --- . Just try and be open and honest with your hubby always. And respect his feelings in a loving way. Just my opinion.
I hate FB. That being said people pop up in your mind at odd times and you popped up in your ex-BF after 20 years. This is not a plot to get you back. Poeple are curious how your life has gone after all these years etc. Since your DH knows he is a good guy his reaction is crazy. We all have a past and frankly if you are a mature and responsible person, as you sound to be you should be able to have friendships if you desire from people of your past. I have an ex who was a major part of my life. My hubs and him get along and we still keep in touch because of mutual friends when he is in town he normally has anew GF that he runs by me and hubs to get approval(lol). There is nothing underlying and my husband is secure. 20 years with your hubs and he reacts like this? Let him relax, you deleted the friendship that should be enough. If it isn't then what is your hubs hiding? People who over-react normally do because they have quilty feelings about something they have done. My opinion. Let him chill.
I had the same thing happen. My high school boyfriend and I were friends on facebook. My husband was so upset. I also stopped communicating with my old boyfriend at my husband's request because it was not worth the problems it was causing with my husband. I think both my husband and your husband's reaction was based on some deeper insecurity or issue with the relationship. You need to talk to him about it but eventually he will get over it. I personally do not think it is a big deal to communicate with old boyfriends/girlfriends on facebook as long as it is truly just catching up with an old friend. It would not bother me if my husband did it but it bothered him so I had to respect his feelings.
Wait a minute... Am I getting this right? You have been with your husband for almost 20 years, so whatever you had with this college friend is 20 years ago? Am I the only one finding it unbelievable that after 20 years your husband still does not trust you enough to be "a friend" with someone in facebook? You get my message: I think he is overreacting.
Tell him to get over it (nicely). That is so childish. I have about 6 ex boyfriend's on facebook. My husband won. (OK, well, I joke with him and tell him that he lost - cuz I'm such a pain in the @$$.) My husband does not keep in touch with his ex girlfriend's but if we ever did, I'd love to hear about their relationship, etc. In fact, just out of curiosity, I found one of my husband's exes on facebook. I'm not lame enough to contact her - that would be...strange. If he contacted her, that would be fine with me.
Taking things one step further....my children are watched 2 nights a week, so my DH and I can work , by one my local ex boyfirends' moms. She loves those kids like they are her grandchildren. She was the maid of honor at our wedding. I see her 3 sons around town and in my professional life, I help out my exes wife. In fact, they were just in motorcycle accident last week and his mom brought his wife over to the house after being discharged from the hospital. He was still in ICU. She hugged me and held on for dear life. She was so scared for his life. This has taken her years to do. She's a little insecure, but I think I adequately showed her there's no need to feel insecure.
I still have dinner with my most significant ex (DW), when he is in town for business. My husband's not a huge fan of his, but he knows nothing is going on. DW will fly from the opposite coast and I'll meet him at his hotel and we drive to dinner...or lunch, etc. We just catch up. I asked him to bring his wedding album about 8 years ago and he did. I loved seeing it and hearing all of the stories. His wife has no idea that he dated anyone besides her and while I think he should he honest, I'm not in his marriage. She has no idea I even exist. I'd rather tell my husband I'm meeting him for dinner than lie, even a lie of omission....even if he doesn't like it a ton.
I've been with my husband for 11 years and we have 3 kids. I'm clearly not going anywhere. LOL
I just wanted to add that when someone's "healing process" involves
hurt and a cold shoulder, it always means there is more emotional
material that hasn't been unfolded.
One approach is to try to make it easy for the other person to verbalize what those less accessible emotions might be. We can "dream into" the
other person and offer some possibilities: "Honey, perhaps you're
feeling that we don't have sex enough and that is why this is bothering
you so much." or whatever.
I'm not on FB but do have a myspace account. I have 2 of my ex boyfriends as friends. My husband also has one of his ex girlfriends on there also. Neither one of us has a problem with this. We have been together for 10 years. These were all relationships that had ended with us being friends and losing touch over time. We found each other again and send emails occassionally. What's the big deal. We both love each other and are very solid in our relationship. It's not like we are meeting up with them and going out, it's just a few emails during the year to keep in touch. Some people are just insecure. The fact that you deleted him after your discussion with your husband should be good enough. You respected his point of view. After 20 years an ex should mean absolutly nothing, he is just someone from your past.
Your husband is the most important person in this world for you. Tell him. Even though I think that you did nothing wrong, he does not understand it like that. Be patient and explain to him that if you knew he was going to take it like that you would not have accepted this friend in facebook. And after you talk to him if he does not react I, smile and forget all about this. Let him solve his problems. I do not think you are selfish, all of us want to be happy.
I have been through something like this, and I had to choose facebook or my relationship. I decided that facebook wasn't worth it. Your husband is upset because he feels threatened against your ex and he feels that since dh is someone of your past he should stay there. He will get through it, but you will have to wait it out and if I were you I would think twice about continuing facebooking.
Ahhhh Facebook... notorious relationship killer. I totally see your innocence from a female point of view, but I see your husbands side too. My man is friends with a lot of his exes, and his ex wifes best friend on Facebook... while I know it's really to simply show these women how awesome he's doing (with me!) it still pisses me off. Like, WHY?? Why bother? What are you getting out of being friends with an ex? The answer: NOTHING (except a headache from your hubs). Have some respect for the man you married (as silly ans stupid as it seems to you) and delete the ex. This is one of thjose ridiculous arguements I've had to learn to brush off... it's just not worth it honey :)
**Love, kindness, and patience with our spouses is always best.**
Give them time, and allow them time (i.e. never say something like, "get over it!"). They're growing in life just like we are. Who here is perfect? Like I once read, don't curse a flower because it's only a bud and has not yet bloomed. That's truly ridiculous. If we only looked at each other through those eyes of "trying to be better" rather than "what we want right now" we could be happy now and years from now in life.
I'm sorry that you feel this way. From reading what you wrote I feel that you did nothing wrong. Tell me this, have you brought this ex up in several times in your marriage? If you have the only thing that I see is a huge insecurity on his part, and its okay for him to have that emotion. However, if you have not done anything wrong but except him as a friend then you should not be made to feel guilty.
My feeling is that there may be a trust issue in your relationship that has not been addressed. Maybe after almost being together for 20 years you should seek counseling through church. Just because you had a good night does not mean that it OVER, (you just had a good night). That ugly dragon will surface again and counseling will help you fight it.
I just had to tell you that your DH's behavior is very starnge. My sisiter dated a guy like that who wanted to manage he life and if she was not cooperative he pouted, was moody for days, blaming her, etc., just anoying. She got rid of him fast because insecurity is a big problem, you will NEVER make him happy. He will always find something that you can improve on.
#2 is why does he know who your boyfriend is? TMI is never good. You could've just told him it is an old friend.
Good luck and be careful.
Ironically, my husband called while I was reading this message so I asked him. He thinks it's impossible to answer without knowing everything about the situation.
In his case, he's had to deal with me having many male friends including ex-boyfriends. There have been no reasons for him to question my fidelity (and my husband is one of my FB friends as well), so he's OK with it.
His first thought is that this runs much deeper than the FB issue (as others have indicated) and to your husband's insecurities.
From reading the other responses, I see a big issue. I'm not a wife that will allow my husband to change me for his own securities if I am doing nothing wrong. We've been to hell and back together a few times (cancer, finances, lost jobs), and we've learned to trust each other explicitly.
But, I do think it's necessary to find out what your husband is struggling with regarding this particular ex-boyfriend. The truth is that you've been his wife all these years. You can't change the past, the people that were in it, and in your message he acknowledges that this ex was a positive influence in your life at the time.
Good luck figuring this out. Make sure to nurture your husband and understand his issues, but don't change who you are in the process.
Wow, must be something more going on with him other than you friending an ex. I have several of my exes on my Facebook and so does my husband. I have talked to my other girlfriends and they do too. If you don't have feelings for them, I don't think its a big deal. I wonder if he got so upset over the ex because he thinks you still have feelings for him or something?
I think your husband is over reacting - i had a friend from a previous employment on there and it was a guy and my husband sent me an e-mail telling me that he logged into my account and deleted the mother ******. I thought it was a hidious thing he did. Unless your intentions are to meet men on facebook or to "hook up" with your exes for other purposes other than keeping in touch, then it's ridiculous for him to be over exaggerated of the situation. Play the reverse phsychology on him ask him if he has something he's hiding... not that he isn't but when woman and men cheat - they tend to be more vulnerable and more sensitive to situations like this. I played that on my husband and he was totally oblivious to the question but a week later i found out he had been talking to one of the other girls at work and it was socially nothing for me to be worried about. Men can be so urgghhh i don't even know the name for them at times. They are the most sensitive creatures - when their sick, forget it the whole world comes down. when their hurt omg the whinning doesn't stop - and when they feel their feelings have gotten hurt - they cry too much about it. They're worse than woman on PMS. Your husband is taking this way too far unlesss you've given him a reason to react this way. or in some odd way he's feeling insecure about himself. is this ex better looking?? did you have a great time with him??? is he younger??? all that can come out of this rage he has going on. I would love to contact my ex-boyfriend because he was such a great friend. it was a relationship that never went any where but if I ever needed anything from him, he was always right there to offer. and we need friends like that, because sometimes we're not always able to count on our better halves because they know us too well.
I think you've given your husband plenty of time to vent or to mope around. He needs to get a grip of it and realize your are his and you are not going anywhere. And even though he asked you to delete him, that was very childish of him to do. All because this was an ex, how many other male friends do you have on your friends list?? And how do you know if his facebook inlcudes exes on there?? Don't be affraid to stand your ground and if he needs to think some more, then maybe he should do it in a hotel room until he's realized how stupid it is for him to act that way. and stop frustrating you too.
I think your husband is jealous. I have ex boyfriends on my account on facebook and he has ex girlfriends on there. If you guys have a good relationship you wouldn't get jealous over silly things like being friends with your ex's on facebook.
Men think differently than women, basically men have sex on the brain most of the time. So you innocently accepted the invite and your DH immediately thought of you having sex with this man 20 or so years ago. Jealously loomed and he is reacting as if it were yesterday. There is no reasoning with them, just let it go, whatever you do DO NOT mention it any more. He will get over it, maybe. But there isnt anything you can do about it except be patient.
I think your hubby needs to grow up. Why delete the ex as a friend, if he's still a friend, just because your hubby isn't mature enough? How is that "hurting" your husband? I'm facebook friends with all my ex-boyfriends. My hubby doesn't care - heck, he's facebook friends with some of his old girlfriends. We don't hang out in groups, certainly not alone. We chat every so often, see pictures of each others kids/spouses and have many mutual friends. My hubby and I are secure enough in our relationship to not be jealous.
I don't understand why so many people think you can't be friends with an ex and still be true/faithful/madly-in-love with your hubby. Are you people in Jr High? Grown women don't need their husband's permission to be friends with someone - especially online when you just talk once in awhile! (totally different, IMO, than hanging out in RL alone with an ex).
My wife and I and I decided awhile ago that, despite the most innocent of intentions, we wouldn’t become Facebook friends or keep in touch with anyone we used to go out with. We both have good friends and co-workers who have had marriages collapse when they started communicating with past flames. Additionally, my best friend from college is getting ready preparing to propose to his high school girlfriend after they reconnected on Facebook. There are just too many stories about one thing leading to another so we rule it out to protect each other’s feelings. It may seem silly and needless, but it’s a decision we’ve made and are sticking to it.
It’s not that I have any aspirations of donning a smoking jacket and dabbing some brute on my collar in hopes of hooking up with someone from my past or fear that one of Tiffani’s oily beau-hunk ex’s is hoping to break us apart, it’s just that we feel it’s the best thing to do for our relationship. There’s enough in the world to worry about already so we decided to take one thing out of the equation.
There is no need to be friends with your ex's. What's the point?
Well...my own husband did me a number by going to the 2006 world cup with a 'friend' and stayed with her with mutual friends one of whom has three young girls. Now it's been four years and for the most part I've gotton past it, but you're right it takes TIME and any mention or reference of the offender makes it worse. What you said about pulling away yourself is very true cause it happened to me and is still causing problems. I cannot seem to reconnect. I still love him but I just don't see him as the same man I trusted. I also believe we have definately grown apart. (These are things that could happen if you are not careful)!
If you both love each other start with the space first but always reach out - do things, converse a lot and show him as much as possible that he is who you love. Men have egos ( women's are a bit worse by the way)
Make attempts to plan outings together and see where it goes from there.
I'm glad to hear that you love and respect your husband enough to have deleted your ex from your friends. I say just give him some time to cool down, and while you're waiting, do extra nice things for him that show him that you still love him, and that you're really sorry for hurting him. I know that if my husband were to add one of his ex's, I'd be upset, too. And it would take more than him deleting her for me to get over it. So just give your hubby some time. It will pass soon. Good luck!
wow! i have 2 of my ex's on my facebook and i openly told hubby about it and he is ok with it. But yea i think u did the right thing in deleting him if your husband has an issue with it....he will come around give him about a week! ;-)
I'm confused as to why your husband is still upset and it seems to me that you're feeling the same way. Clearly, there is not enough information here to truly assess the situation, but it appears that both of you need to take a step back.
Both of you need to take a look at where you are in your marriage and determine what other problems you may be facing. I would love to point the finger at DH, but I believe there's more to this than you're sharing. If you really look at your situation from both sides, can you understand his feelings? And can you understand yours? I think he's out of line, wrong, overreacting. But I'm not living your life.
My first reaction was: What kind of 50's attitude does your hubby have to tell you you're not being a good wife AND you deleted the ex at the direction of your husband?! But there are other questions. How much does your husband know about this ex? Does he know intimate details of your relationship? While honesty is important, it isn't necessary that each partner knows every detail of past relationships.
Did you and the ex have some significant situation that you worked through together? Have you or hubby exhibited any behaviors in the past to arouse suspicion?
DH and I both have FB and we are "friends". He can see what I'm doing and vice versa. We have been together for 15 years and married for 13. We have gone through a lot together and trust each other because that is what marriage is about. He has had his suspicions, but once he realized how ridiculous they were (what busy stay at home mom has that much time on her hands?), he faced the fact that he has his own insecurities. And I've had my curiosities in the past as well, but I can't maintain or improve a marriage constantly wondering if he's having an affair. To my knowldege, and I did have to ask once, he has not
Trust. Such a small word yet such a large responsibility. Best of luck to you. I truly hope that you two work this out.
Me thinks hubby has trust issues...
Seriously, he has somewhat expressed his feelings about you being friends with an ex so you have the choice to either cut yourself off from something that makes him uncomfortable or do something behind his back. Neither good options.
I guess the bottom line is are you willing to compromise to keep the peace at the expense of yourself?
I think you need to just give him time and do what you can to help him get over it. My DH despises FB and would feel the same way your DH does, so thats all that matters to me. He can't even stand that I am involved with it with my best friends. FB is a new world, the whole online thing is a new world, breeding new feelings, so while some may think its ridiculous, others may not, when it comes to who you are "socializing" with. Put yourself in his shoes...how would you feel if he had an ex as an FB friend. Even if you aren't actively communicating its still a way to "keep up" on people, think about them, see what they are up to and put them in YOUR life one way or another. Give him some space and try to understand why he is feeling this way. I hope it gets better soon.