Hubby and Facebook

Here's a new perspective: Do you have a FB account? If so, friend him and send him "I love you" messages and other messages to make it clear he has a wife who loves him and is involved with his life. The other women will see the messages. You could put up lots of pictures of you and him together, and if you tag him they will see the pictures. Oh, and hey, why not "friend" some of the ex'es? The more you distance yourself from these women the easier it is for them to believe you are not an important part of his life.
That said, some people just life to FB a lot, and it's perfectly innocent. Some of my friends put out several silly messages/day. I have exes on my friend list and it's interesting to see what they are up to now. I also have lots of pictures of my husband and kids, so there is no misunderstanding of my intentions.
Good luck, and keep your head up high, and above all retain and exude confidence in yourself -- he married YOU don't forget :)

J.

8 moms found this helpful

My husband is friends with his old girlfriends, guess what I am too! He loves me, I have no doubts. We have been married almost 30 years. I have never been worried about his faithfulness to me. I am honest with him when I run into or speak with old boyfriends.. It is not a big deal.

Have you asked him about it? Just ask how these people are doing? If you are uncomfortable about it just be honest with him.. I would not assume anything.
Give him the benefit of the doubt.

6 moms found this helpful

There's probably nothing to worry about here. Just tell him what's on your mind, what your concerns are in a non-accusatory way and allow him the opportunity to reassure you that his heart is still with you. From what I've experienced, FB is a great way to connect with people that you haven't seen in such a long time but usually the connection never gets past the superficial stage. If he tells you that you are the one that he loves and his actions support that statement, I wouldn't worry too much about your husband's girlfriends past.

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I hear about this kind of thing in my office with with a couple co-workers all the time. One male, the other female, and each of them experiencing exactly what you are talking about with their husband and wife. Facebook seems to really stir up some problems in marriages...

You know your husband and what he would or wouldn't do right? My guess is that it is all about curiosity & nothing at all to worry about. In the past, if I have ever been jealous, I try & put myself in his shoes... if I see a pic of a hot guy or come across someone I used to be with, does that in anyway change the way I feel about my husband or even make me think about being unfaithful? Absolutely not. On the same note, if something was bothering my husband, his needs & feelings are much more important than a random friend on Facebook that I haven't seen in 15 years.

Bottom line is, if you have an open, honest, loving marriage then your husband would gladly remove anyone who is making you uncomfortable. It shouldn't be that important to him. And, he should be respectful of how much time he spends on the computer on Facebook in comparison to with you & the kids. You just need to talk to him. He's your husband.

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I'm in the camp of just saying, "hey this makes me uncomfortable." I've said that to my husband before about different situations and he takes care of the problem. It sounds like your hubby is resistant? I'm not sure, but you can always pull out the "remember when you said..." card.

We really believe that ANYTHING that makes your partner uncomfortable that is more trivial than your marriage, should be ended at the first sign of distress. I don't hang out with old boyfriends or male friends and he doesn't hang out with ex gfs or other women in general. We understand that even if you don't think/ intend for anything to happen, once you start confiding in someone you open a door. Maybe this is an unpopular way to go about things, but we don't wonder - ever - what is going on with the other. No friendship is as important as my marriage. Nothing is more important than my family. Period. And since that is a period, there is no discussion, no arguement, no resistance.

With that said, I think the women my husband has been involved with in the past, including one he almost married, are absolutely amazing and fascinating women and I do go out for coffee with them occasionally. He does not. I have an incredible relationship with in which we've spoken frankly about old jealousy issues and another will be my child's teacher in two years. She's a fantastic teacher and I look forward to that.

My point in all of those is that they might be people worth getting to know. Maybe not, but if you really are suspicious, remember the old addage, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

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Well, one thing I like about mamapedia is the different perspectives so here is a different perspective. I have ex'es that I could friend on facebook without any worries. I also have ex'es that I could never friend on facebook because of the way it ended. I know that- my husband does not. One of my ex'es that is my Facebook friend is in the service overseas. My husband actually baked his crew cookies and we sent them to his crew over the holidays. My husband was completely cool with it- probably because our lifestyles do not leave either of us concerned with the other's intentions.

Is there a way the computer could come upstairs? I spend a lot of time on the computer because I enjoy it- almost like anyone else enjoys watching tv. However, I hate how far away from my family I was when it was in the basement so we brought it upstairs and keep it in the same room as the living room.

Also, if he is teasing about you talking to five people(and I hope it was just teasing) then that is one thing. We have several stories from the beginning of our relationship that we laugh about always- and I hope they never go away because I think they are hilarious that we can laugh at ourselves!

With all that being said, as your spouse- if it bothers you, you need to talk to him about it and if it still bothers you ask him to remove them and in respect of your feelings he should.

3 moms found this helpful

Ditto Laurie A.

Also, just because other women are "catty" and "racy" and sluts and provoking... it does not mean anything. THEY are the bimbo sluts.... who go around acting like sluts. That does not mean your husband is one too.
Mainly, women like that like making other women uncomfortable... so if you do act intimidated by them, they like that. The are childish... and basically have arrested development.

As for being friends with Ex's... so what. I am too. I don't avoid them, why should I? They are nice guys and we still get along. But they are now in the category of "platonic" friends. My Husband, is also friends with Ex's and other women. So what. I know them too, and he tells me everything and does not hide anything. He has female friends on Facebook too. It don't bother me at all. If I ask him, he tells me ALL about them.

You should be able to ask your Husband about it, and then expect total openness about it. Otherwise, you and he will always have secrets that are actually not secrets... they are actually just subject matter that no one wants to broach... this is not secrets.

And tell your Husband to grow up... geez, holding something against you that happened FIVE years ago.... when you were SINGLE.... is nothing. He did not own you. Can't believe he is STILL jealous about it and defensively territorial about it... after ALL these years.

all the best,
Susan

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Ok, my thoughts are not on the same page as the other women about this.

Your husband is not being respectful to you about this. He is in the wrong.
He would not be happy with you, at all if this was you doing this so that applies to him as well.

I know that for many women, they are ok with this. BUT I am not! To me this is a form of cheating.

All I can say is talk to him. For me, if he gets mad about this then there is something going on. His respect for your marriage has left.

If he truly loves you and doesn't want to hurt you, then he will say that he is sorry and do the right thing by getting them off of his facebook acct.

I wish you the best with this and try to rest well.

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My hubby has some girls from highschool that he has had sex with and he doesn't talk to any of them even though they are added on his facebook. Some people just want to catch up and see how things are.

Now granted he hasn't been in highschool in over 17 years so Im pretty sure thoses girls are harmless alot are married and have moved on.

I do however see your concern.... I would vote it to be harmless for now unless you start noticing odd behaviour on his part. Or SEEING the girls post racey comments on his face book. THEN you might have something to worry about.

But for now it seems pretty innocent, but keep an eye out and see if his behaviour chances or if he seems to be staying up late hours chatting on the computer or acting sneaky then be concerned. I had a x that had some kind of intnernet Affair once...

My Hubby just read your post and made this statement right as I finished typing " I don't see why he would have a problem removing the girls if his wife was uncomfy with them being on there " Something to consider?

Hope that helps!

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Hmmm...I agree with the previous poster that said it depends on the ex. I agree that there are some people you date and break up with that don't leave a bunch of emotional baggage behind...Meaning, you probably made better friends than lovers. But then there are the exes where the dating and the break-up were dramatic, bitter, one-sided, were maybe always on-and-off again...And reconnecting with that kind of ex even via Facebook might make me pause.

But then again, you have to ignore the Ex-Factor so to speak and take into account your husband himself. What kind of man do you know him to be? If you know him to be a good, committed, caring man...Then you have little to worry about. If there is even a part of you that think he lacks maturity, thoughtfulness, respect, commitment...Well then, Facebook is just a symptom of a bigger problem.

I have to admit, my best friend...my maid of honor way back when...dated my husband before we started dating. A very good friend of his who is also his ex is among my dearest friends today. But it works because my husband has a decided preference for smart, nice girls and he himself is just a swell guy and the past relationship were just casual dating and not bring drawn-out heavy emotion love affairs.

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i could have written this...i feel for you. don't really have any encouraging words b/c in my experience, if it walks like a duck....

just hang in there and if the trust is there you have to keep going. you're right, calling him on it will only cause a fight. until or unless you get actual proof he's doing something he shouldn't (although i am of the camp, if it makes his wife uncomfortable, he shouldn't do it), i would try not to say anything. but if it was a perfect world, yes, you should be able to talk to him openly and honestly about it.

for the record i think it's bs. that's a double standard and it's not fair at all. if it was innocent and he had no guilty feelings over it, he wouldn't care if you did similar things. why does he need to be friends with all the slutty bff's of his exes too?

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if it bothers you then you should ask him to get them off his friends list.
i personally don't care who my hubby has on his FB and neither does he care who i have on my FB. but if it bothered me then he'd take off anyone i had problems with.
so speak up and tell him.

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Well he is your husband and so the only thing to do is talk about it or forget about it. If you try to just not talk about it and it keeps bothering you, it will most likely come out in other ways, like you being snappy even though you don't want to be. If you feel insecure about it, you just do and that is Ok. Maybe at a time when you are both relaxed and the kids are down for the night just tell him that you noticed he is friends with some exes and that you felt funny about it. I wouldn't bring up anything about his computer usage in the same talk, you don't want him to think you are thinking he is up to something, that could just make him super defensive. He may ask why you care or whatever, just tell the truth. They are women who you don't trust much and it just bothers you that they don't seem to really respect you as his wife and because of that would he consider not being friends with them. I would make it clear, if it were me, that I did not mind him having female FB friends and I would just tell him exactly the friends who bothered me. I mean that is how I feel about it anyway. I don't mind at all if my hubby has female friends and if there was ever someone that made me uncomfortable, I would just tell him. He does always ask me if it is cool when an ex wants to friend him, I always say OK, but I like that he asks. Maybe you guys could come up with a system of just running it by eachother when it comes to exes on FB. Good luck!

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You mentioned hubby went to a large high school, it could be that these ex's are just part of the large group that all hung out in high school so they've all become fb friends. You didn't mention whether or not hubby in having private conversations with the ex's or if it's just general posting in group conversations.

I don't really approve of spying or checking up because I believe in trust in a relationship. However, if you believe something is going on, check out his account to be sure.

You could also mention to him that it bothers you. However, based on your post that seems like it may lead to an argument. Maybe you could find a way to just casually mention it.

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Well, I'm sure you will get different responses about this. Some people are fine with staying friends with exes and some not. It wouldn't be a big deal to me. But the issue here is more with a potential double standard if one or the other of you is uncomfortable with the other spouse keeping in touch with exes then you need to talk and figure out a solution that applies equally to both of you. But that means you have to talk to him about it and what makes you uncomfortable.

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I have about 4 ex's on my facebook. We rarely talk, but do every now and then.

It's no issue since I don't dwell on over them or reminisce about my time with them either. But, if he is doing that, than those are warning signs I would think.

However, my issue is him spending a lot of alone time with the computer in a another room. Our computer is in the family area and we don't get on it for long periods of time alone either.

I would just talk to him about it openly, but not be confrontational or accusatory.

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I agree with others, you just have to talk to him. I had a similar situation as Kim T. One of my exes whom I had spoken with off an on over the years sent me a friend request and I accepted. I didn't think anything of it and even mentioned it to my husband. My ex is way far away out of state, we are both with other people etc. When my husband actually realized who he was (months and months later) he was upset. I immediately unfriended my ex. My husband explained it's not that he didn't trust me, it just plain bothered him, so that was enough for me.

One thing about Facebook is that half the people you add as friends never post anything, talk to anyone etc. Some post all the time. So if the ex is one that loves to post racey photos I think I'd have a problem with that too.

Maybe if you ask him how would he feel if you added one of your exes as a friend. See what his response is. Make sure that in the conversation you don't sound like you are accusing him of anything but are expressing how you are feeling. If it bothers you he should respect that and unfriend her!

YOU NEED TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS!!!! Even if you think it will cause an argument, you need to let him know how YOU feel. Don't keep your feelings bottled up inside. I think this would bother me as well. I had an issue with my husb telling me that his ex-girlfriend requested him to be her friend on facebook. He got mad about it b.c. she is the type of female that likes to cause problems and he felt like if he accepted her to be his friend, then she would try to cause a problem in his marriage. HE is probably right but, he deleted her request. Honestly, when he told me I felt mad about it, I didnt let him know that. I was really glad that he told me, he told me how he felt and what the outcome was. So we have a rule that neither one of us will let and ex be our friend on facebook. It's been working so far. I am the popular one b/w us. I have had my FB page longer than him and I have hundreds of friends compared to what he has....this comes from two different childhoods. We are each others friends and both list that we are married to each other. I can see how FB can be a culprit in a relationship but only if you let it. I want you to express to your husband how you feel, if you feel that he doesnt need to be friends with any ex, please tell him that. I am in your corner and I totally agree with you but give your husb a chance by allowing him to know what is bothering you and then allowing him to rectify the situation..... This doesnt just sound like its just about FB, express to your mate that you wouldnt want him to be freinds in person with an ex or anywhere else..... I have told my husband how I felt about his ex before b.c. she often kept coming around his family when I was around. He didnt understand how I felt at first but, he did eventually and he didnt like it either...... communication is key, let him know how you feel.

I have a similar issue. My husband is soooo infatuated w/a former high school 'crush'. He recently got reaquainted w/her w/in the last month. They even have 'secret' phone conversations & he IM's her when I'm not there. She also sent racy photos of herself to him & he says to her the most awfulest things about me & our marriage. He even recently sent her photos of our camping trip over the holiday weekend. What business is it of hers? I mentioned to him that I don't email my former 'love interests' b/c it's inappropriate for a married person to do that & I have no reason to email them or get bk in touch w/them so he shouldn't feel the need for another woman's attention. A friend told me it's b/c men need their egos stroked by other women b/c for some reason, they feel inadequate no matter what we do to make them feel otherwise, it's in their nature for some. If I do email a former love interest or find ea other on facebook, etc. by chance then it's just a casual 'hello' or 'hey, long time no see, what's been going on...' & nothing else to it. You need to just sit down w/your husband & say that you know about the racey photos of her & that you feel it's inappropriate to have her on his friends list. He is a married man & he needs to take the wedding vows seriously...forsaking all others including an ex. Let him know that although you feel secure in your marriage, it is not appropriate & you don't feel comfortable w/her & all her friends on his friends list. Ask him if he feels insecure about your marriage or if there's some underlying issue that needs to be addressed. You could just also try to get into his facebook pg & just delete & block her but all he'd hafta do is just undo it so that may not wk. Hope this helps! Good luck.

Would he listen to like a good mentor man friend about this? Look for support - who would understand and help. And pray. God bless.

Have you considered just being honest with him? Let him know you're not jealous, but that it's not appropriate for him to have them as "friends". The past needs to stay in the past.

For the life of me I cannot figure out why people continue to talk/FB, whatever with people they used to date???

Good luck and sorry for the stress this is causing you.

I think its very disrespectful on either party's part to have any contact with an ex period unless there are children involved. Especially if you are married. I don't know how to do it tactfully except to just say that it has to come to an end. I wish you the best.

I can relate very well to your situation. Facebook almost ruined my marriage. Now, I have my husband's account info. His e-mail plus his password to his Facebook account. I check up on him every so often. Ask the same of your husband. If he refuses, you send him a friend request. This way, you can keep an eye on his activity & all of his "friends".

My husband has been off & on of Facebook. When he got busted, I told him to get off. At first, he gave me a hard time, we started arguing, and he finally complied.

Good Luck & keep in touch, if you need more advice.

well i will give you my experience with the same issue (but just not with FB). Once he started staying on the computer all day and night and then questioning who I was talking to and why....Thats when i knew something just wasnt right. He obviously had a quilty conscience and thats why he was worried about who I was talking to. I found out that he wad getting pics (not inappropriate ones) of this MUCH YOUNGER girl in his email and sent her b-day flowers and set up a date with her. So just keep your ears and eyes open, but although you dont want to start waves i would still let him know how upset it makes you. If he truely cares about how you feel, he would be-friend them (they were not important enough to stay with and he hasnt spoken to them in how long, until fb came along) so it really shouldnt be a big deal if you asked him to be-friend them. Good luck

If it bothers you and I can understand why it could, then you need to talk with him now before it festers and is blown out of proportion. You could simply tell him that you noticed he has befriended some of his ex-girlfriends on fb and you would like to know why he felt it was necessary to keep in contact with them. Some people will argue pretty convincingly that it is OK to keep in touch with exes, and some will argue that it is not OK. Bottom line. If this is bothering you then you will need him to fix it for you either by deleting them as friends or by making you feel comfortable with the situation. You know your marriage, but you should also trust your instincts and do everything in your power to keep your marriage safe from negative outside potential influences. Temptation is a mother, but so is denial and doubt.

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I wish you luck with this situation. Some of the other posters have made some excellent suggestions including asking him directly about the ex he has "friended." In the spirit of not having a double standard going on, seems reasonable for you to request the removal of his ex--particularly if she has some issue with the fact that you are married to her ex. I also like the slightly less direct approach of posting sweet comments and photos of yourself and the family with him on FB. Esp. effective if he responds with positive feedback on FB.

But I'm a strong believer in intuition. If something is bothering you about this, keep an eye on things. You mention "He stays on the computer downstairs a lot while I am upstairs watching the kiddos." Is not hanging out with the family much a new behavior pattern?
A cautionary FB tale--same old story just updated by technology in the form of FB. A good friend just went through hell when her longtime live-in boyfriend friended an old HS girlfriend (from 20+ years ago!) on FB. He made several fake "business trips" to visit the ex who lived several states away. You can guess the rest of the story. He confessed all to my friend, then announced he was moving to be with his new love. The kicker was he made one more trip to see the ex before the big move and "something" changed about the situation--basically he got cold feet. I don't know the details, but he ended up breaking it off and is still together with my friend. Though I expressed my strong opinions of this jerk to her initially, as her friend, I told her I would support her decision to work things out with him. I don't think she can ever fully trust him again though. I wouldn't.
Good luck!

Tell him you're uncomfortable with it and give him the chance to calm your fears. I've had several times when I was feeling insecure about myself for various reasons (not saying you're insecure, it was just that way for me) but that exacerbated the situation and made me paranoid! So I talked to my husband about it and there was always a legitimate explanation that made me feel kinda silly. My husband is much too smart to leave any kind of 'evidence' as well, but you can't worry about that and stay sane. As long as he respects your feelings and puts you first, I think you guys'll be ok. Good luck to you!

Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. One of the things she talks about is being your husband's girlfriend. Act like you did when you wanted him to ask you out again. Then you will not have to worry about any facebook people. He will be so busy enjoying his new "girlfriend." She has other great, practical advice that your husband craves.

Move the computer upstairs so it is in a shared space where everyone can use it and the screen is clearly visible to all

My husband and I tried facebook but it caused was too much trouble in our marriage. And our Tweens are starting to ask. So we have a family rule no facebook, no myspace, no social networking at all for anyone. For the Kids we gave them the ability to text and have email as a compromise.
We were thinking of doing a family page where each person gets a page to do their own thing and that seemed fair too. It is a work in progress.
Sorry that's probably not much help.

I think you owe it to your marriage to be truthful to your husband about your feelings. Out of respect for you and your marriage he should cut the relationships via facebook if it makes you this uncomfortable. Trust your intuition it's usually the HOly Spirit warning you (unless your a jealous crazy woman;-) and this has been an issue in your marriage; then you need counseling.) God bless you.

my hubby and i had this same disscussion. we told each other that no you cant add one certian person. then yrs later after i met his certian person that girl added us both. she talks to me and i really dont feel as if she is a threat. no my certian person i wont add him. we talked calmly and at any point if i said no i dont want her on your friends anymore i feel uncomfortatble about it he would delet her. it dosent have to be heated. remember your hubby is your friend and you wouldnt ask your friend something with a cold mean tone. ask him. and remember its really not that big of a deal to get all steamed up and yelling at each other about. if his temper starts up just back off and approach it differently.

As some people say where there's smoke... if you are uncomfortable with it you must talk to him!

When my DH and I were first dating he was still friendly with his ex (whom he almost married). He did eventually stop talking to her, but it took a while. Every time he went back home, he talked to her. But it did stop. I only talk to 2 of my exes, one of which was a groomsman at our wedding (we are all friends).

I would casually go downstairs while he is on the computer, and check on him. If he catches you, be honest.

Good Luck

Well, here's the flip side. My ex requested and I accepted. We had been "friends" for weeks before my hubby got on Facebook. He was very upset. I immediately un-friended my ex. He is my husband. Ex is in the past. Another ex requested, I had to decline. It brings up too many memories/feelings. Nothing good can come from it. You need to have a serious discussion with you hubby. I strongly recommend not being friends with exes. It goes along with - would you talk on the phone with them?