Just Got Asked for a divorce...need Help coping...I'm a Mess!

Just a "happy" story. My step-daughter is 14 now. I met her when she was 4. Her parents divorced when she was 1 year old. They have a good parenting relationship, and both are remarried. They remained civil and cooperative. We have all of her birthdays together with all 4 of us there. It's a bit awkward for US, but not for her - she loves it. She is a Freshman in HS, one of the sweetest, brightest and well-adjusted kids I"ve ever known. I credit her parents and how they were able to co-parent all this time. It can be done, and your daughter will be just fine. Hang in there....it will all work out.

I am very very sorry for you. My husband asked me for a divorce in March, I was 25 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child. This has been very very diffucult for me and Im trying to be postive for the girls and not let my newborn son feel it. It isnt easy, but I found by making a plan and focusing on it and the next step has helped. I needed state aid, i had to find a job, get the nusery ready just a bunch of stuff, and focusing on that and focusing on trying to be the best mom has helped me alot. My husband started dating someone immediatly, doing drugs, he doesnt call or visit and has stopped paying child support so believe me I feel the hate as well! I tell myself "something good will happen" and focus on all I have in my life that is good when I start feeling down. It isnt easy for sure but it does gradually get better. Good luck with everything.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I would like to be able to tell you that things are going to be peachie keen but life is not peachie keen unless you decide to make it that way. I have been divorced two times and had kids from each marriage. My kids are wonderful and I have always taught them to be survivors. My child who is a girl went to a university in a different state. She is quite an independent person who chose to venture out on her own at such a young age. When narrow-minded people mention how bad divorce is on children I just use her as an example to prove my point otherwise. I do believe divorce is h*** o* the children if parents choose to give them issues. 99% of the issues that children get from divorce are given by selfish parents. It is easy to use the children as leverage against the other parent. If you sit and think about it the only person who suffers is the child. In the state of UT parents are required to take a class to help the child deal with divorce. It is an excellent class and a very wonderful tool. Two parents can be good parents from different homes. I make sure my kids share all of their school accomplishments with there father. I make sure dad knows about all the school functions. My youngest son was 3 when we divorced. I can remember him pushing us apart and yelling at us to stop fighting. His father was usually the one with the anger issues and yelling at everyone else. However, I will let him figure that one out for himself! My youngest is by far the most vocal about the divorce. He is very comfortable with it and says, "Sometimes I hang with you and sometimes I hang with dad and it is alright."

She is so young right now that I would really not go into a big explanation. I would just tell her that daddy needs to go live in another house but still loves her very much and will always be her daddy. I know you are very confused right now and have lots of different emotions going on. You need to work on yourself and try to get your life straightened up as soon as possible. She gets her attitude from you. She wants someone to play with her and be happy. You CAN do it!! It is so so hard not to concentrate on the past. Be a winner and concentrate on making a positive future for yourself. It can be done!! Make it a point to take extra time out for yourself. Take an exercise class, get a pedicure, options are endless. Your baby just wants to see you smile.

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I am so sorry you are going through this. I would like to be able to tell you that things are going to be peachie keen but life is not peachie keen unless you decide to make it that way. I have been divorced two times and had kids from each marriage. My kids are wonderful and I have always taught them to be survivors. My child who is a girl went to a university in a different state. She is quite an independent person who chose to venture out on her own at such a young age. When narrow-minded people mention how bad divorce is on children I just use her as an example to prove my point otherwise. I do believe divorce is h*** o* the children if parents choose to give them issues. 99% of the issues that children get from divorce are given by selfish parents. It is easy to use the children as leverage against the other parent. If you sit and think about it the only person who suffers is the child. In the state of UT parents are required to take a class to help the child deal with divorce. It is an excellent class and a very wonderful tool. Two parents can be good parents from different homes. I make sure my kids share all of their school accomplishments with there father. I make sure dad knows about all the school functions. My youngest son was 3 when we divorced. I can remember him pushing us apart and yelling at us to stop fighting. His father was usually the one with the anger issues and yelling at everyone else. However, I will let him figure that one out for himself! My youngest is by far the most vocal about the divorce. He is very comfortable with it and says, "Sometimes I hang with you and sometimes I hang with dad and it is alright."

She is so young right now that I would really not go into a big explanation. I would just tell her that daddy needs to go live in another house but still loves her very much and will always be her daddy. I know you are very confused right now and have lots of different emotions going on. You need to work on yourself and try to get your life straightened up as soon as possible. She gets her attitude from you. She wants someone to play with her and be happy. You CAN do it!! It is so so hard not to concentrate on the past. Be a winner and concentrate on making a positive future for yourself. It can be done!! Make it a point to take extra time out for yourself. Take an exercise class, get a pedicure, options are endless. Your baby just wants to see you smile.

I am so sorry! My kid's dad and I divorced several years ago. We kept it pretty amicable and the kids have done as well as one could hope for. For the kids sake we never argued over or got petty around custody and visitation, etc. My kids see him every weekend and he has always paid child support and whatever miscellaneous they needed. But he is a responsible guy and I realize that isn't always the case. Never talk bad about the other in front of your child/children. Be honest. If you are having a hard time, get counseling for yourself. It will be a grieving process and you will need it. Get yourself a lawyer, even if the divorce is amicable you want to make sure it is done properly and that your and your daughters best interest are taken care of.

Okay Sweetheart bear with me here. I've never been married but I have been in long relationships (10 yrs in two relationships), which let me know marriage in those two relationships was not for me. Although there weren't any exchanging of vows, I do know what the pain feels like.

My suggestion would be forgive yourself. Know that there was nothing you could have done to change his mind. I think it was a very cowardly move on his part to give you hope by attending counseling with you and mostly likely has no intention of really putting forth the effort to make your marriage work. Please don't get me wrong, I am not bashing him at all, however, what I am saying is men and women view things differently. Men are more visual while women are more emotional so it's difficult for us to deal with pain of the heart but there is HOPE and you CAN get THROUGH this.

You can be a single mom and be the best single mom you want to be. You can provide for your child and not concern yourself with whether or not he comes to see your daughter or takes care of the child support as he should or whatever the case maybe.
As a woman, as a single mom, we step up when we need to. We step up to the plate and take hold of the reins and make it through because it's apart of our makeup. It's not the role God intended for us to take on BUT we are supported by Him when we are put in this unfortunate position. Believe me you can do what you have to do for your child. Yes, it's going to hurt and you will have some good days and some bad days but you will be okay. I promise! Will it be easy, I don't know. I cannot honestly answer that question because I don't know who you are personally but I can tell you that you already have the power to make it through this ordeal because you are a woman and God blessed you to be a mother. The most important thing you can do right now for the betterment of you is to take care of you mind, body, and soul. When your little one sleep do something for yourself such as taking a bath and pampering yourself with that special aroma you like. Find something you enjoy doing for yourself while she is sleeping and relax for yourself. The other thing I would recommend doing is praying asking God for His help to get you through this, get you past this. And you must ask Him to help you to forgive yourself and your husband. you have to forgive him because in doing so he will no longer have a hold on you and then you will start to heal. Don't allow the hate, which is easy to feel right now, take over your feelings to where you cannot focus on what is important. You understand what I am trying to say.

I've been a single mother most of my adult life with four children. Yes it's been hard, it's been difficult but I wouldn't change a thing about my life as my children's mother. What is amazing to me as a mother, a single mother, is no matter how many mistakes I've made and bad decisions I've made, I have the best love I could ever ask for...unconditional love. My kids love me no matter what. They never held one thing I did or bad decision I made against me.

Sweetie, you can make it through this because you are a strong women, you just forgot your strength but I promise you, it is still there. So dig deep inside and find yourself, find your strength for you and your daughter. I promise, it does get better if you want it to. I sincerely hope this helps in some way. I was not sure if I should respond or not but then the urge was too strong to ignore. I really from the bottom of my heart hope there is something in these words that will be of some comfort to you.

So sorry that it happened like this. Try to be as positive as you can with your child and don't get into it with your husband while she is around you. I watched a friend go through this while preg with her last child and I found her strength and her taking the high road with her jerky husband inspiring. Now she is happily, recently, remarried. There is life after this.

I think that time is the best healing, but there are things that you do to make the process of healing less painful. Be kind to your self, focus in the good thinks in your live, like your baby. Get closer to those that love you. Know that this will pass too.
For your daughter the best thing that you can do is to take care of your self, is normal to be sad/angry/confused, nobody can blame you for that. If possible ask for a family or friend to stay with you.
Even if is hard to do, keeping an open and respectful relationship with your ex, in the long run will be the best not only for baby but for you.
Excersice is a great emotional pain relive, even if it is just a walk but also a good ice cream and a group of friends is very helpful.
<<Warm hugs to you>>

I would make it as amicable as possible. Set some ground rules now. Not just the not talking bad about each other stuff, but even look forward to future relationships. When should she be introduced to a new interest, etc.? As for you, you need to try to take a deep breath and bury your feelings about your husband as you spend time with her. Save the emotions for her naps, and focus on her. If nothing else, it could help you take your mind of everything. I know that is easier said than done. I wish you all the best, and know that it is better it is happening now. She can grow up with two happy parents that aren't in a bad relationship.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this :(

You have to know that your daughter can have a fantastic life with divorced parents. As good as a life as if she had parents that we're married her entire life. It's all up to you and how you go about it. It's going to be ok - It really is. It will take time, and but it will be ok. For right now, cry alone when your daughter is asleep. Cry hard and get it out. Wake in the morning and take care of her as you would any other day. Children do sense the stress, and you can prevent that by just loving her. Try to avoid confrontation with your husband so that there is no fighting in front of her. Leave it for when she's not around.

For what it's worth, my husband is so happy his parents are divorced! They're both happily re-married, and it was all meant to be in the end.

As the child of divorced parents, I think the most important thing is always speak nicely about her father. No matter how much you may hate him or don't like things he does or how upset you are with him, he is her father and always will be so you want her to look up too him. I know, probably a lot harder than it sounds, but I think will help your daughter in the long run. So sorry you are going through this. I wish you and your daughter the best.

Almost forgot--another piece of advice is we are strong! Women are so much stronger than men (and some women) give us credit for. YOu and your daughter can live happily without a man. Not saying I don't think you should find another husband, but I'm saying that it isn't necessary for her to have a man at the house all the time and you can survive on your own.

Good luck!

Mommy0508 I don't know what I can say for advice as I have never been married, but I am a single mother (single throughout the entire pregnancy and birth as well) so I can be of support in that aspect. Please send me a message if you want to exchange emails and maybe we can get together for coffee or something some time. I could also put you in touch with one of my friends that recently went through a divorce she has two kids under 4. All the best. Hang in there you will get through this and your daughter needs you (-;