Just Curious What Would You Say.

Oh man... the thing that is a big deal here is:
a LITTLE child, 6 years old... is carrying all of this burden... and he is being asked to make decisions and thoughts about it, as though he were an adult. But he is not.
He is going to need some professional Counseling, no matter what happens.
Things like this, can really deeply affect a child. And it is already.

He also has NO ONE to talk to, who is objective. And NO one to lean on... or confide in, nor to help support HIS emotional well being.
I mean, he is in the MIDDLE of it all.
For a little child's mind... this is really not good for him.
Meanwhile, he has his own hope about things and what he would like to happen. And if things don't go as he hopes... then what? HOW will he handle ALL of that??? emotionally and mentally.
Again, he is going to need some professional Therapy.

Kids, get stress and anxiety too, but they do not have coping skills.
Even you and your Husband as the "adults"... don't know how to handle this. So how can a little 6 year old, know how?

YOU AND your Husband, need Counseling.
What are you and your Husband... doing to help your problems???

Things like this affect children of course, and it can affect how they also socialize and have relationships too. Depending on how you and your Husband, handle it.

J.:

I would tell my son that no one is perfect. That I realize HE wants mommy and daddy to stay married, but, that doesn't happen all the time.

I would STOP begging my husband for another chance. He doesn't live in the same state and has said on numerous occasions he is done. Let him be done. I don't know what you did or didn't do that you are taking the responsibility for the failed marriage all on your own - but it takes two to tango. You are the only one on the dance floor. Sorry - i am not trying to be mean.

Guilting your husband into making the marriage work isn't going to make it work.

I realize that your son is hurting. I am truly sorry that he is hurting. Get him and yourself in to counseling so that he can be prepared when he realizes that it takes TWO to make a marriage to work - not a mom and a child - but a husband and wife.

Your husband moved out of the house, out of town and out of state.
He abandoned you and his son.
He didn't care about how his son felt when he did it.
He was cruel when you wished him a happy anniversary.
It's a common fantasy for kids of separated/divorced parents to dream about the parents getting together again and they will live happily ever after - despite all the fighting and what ever was wrong.
He's in denial there were ever any problems and he's rejecting the possibility that his parents might actually be happier apart than together.
A child can't help but think they are the center of the universe.
Unfortunately, the world does not revolve around them.
Please get some counseling for your son.
I'm not sure the pastor is really helping much at this point.

Make sure he knows that you'll always love his father, simply because he IS his father.
So sad this little O. is carrying this weight.
Have you tried counseling?
If your husband won't go--go by yourself.
My heart aches for your son.
Even if divorce is on the horizon, you both need to grow up enough NOT to fight in front of this child!

So . . . . . start acting like adults that want to make things work.

You didn't say why you or your husband want to get a divorce. You gave us nothing to work with except that your son doesn't want you two to fight any more.

What do the two of you fight about?
What does your husband want you to change?
What do you want your husband to change?

Watch the movie, "Fireproof" and get the movie's companion manual, "The Love Dare". (Both of you should do this.) Follow the instructions in the "Love Dare". I have been doing this for at least the last 38 years of our marriage and probably all 39 years of our marriage.

Then get back and tell us how you want help. You loved one another enough to get marrried and to decide to have a child. 200 to 300+ years ago marriages were arranged when kids were little or even babies and they found ways to get along and even fall in love. I've searched my genealogy back to the 1600's and not found even one divorce. Divorce was considered a sign of complete failure on the part of both husband and wife. Both were disgraced by a divorce.

It amazes me that people will spend hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars getting a divorce that will permanently damage their children, but won't read a couple of books and spend a few dozen hours romancing love back into their marriage.

Good luck to you and yours.

Of course he knows something is going on. He's 6 and attuned to his parents. I would be honest with him without giving details. I'd tell him that you are fighting (he already knows that without you telling him) and that you are still working on the relationship . Tell him that because you and his father are having trouble getting along you have decided to live separately, that taking a break is a part of deciding what you're going to do. Tell him that both of you love him. Tell him this is an adult decision and that you too hope that you'll be able to work this out. Be honest and tell him that you don't know how it'll turn out. Tell him you're praying too. etc.

I think I'd say, ' Thank you for praying baby, keep it up! Mommy and Daddy are working on some things but the most important thing is that we both love you so much.' I am telling you, there is nothing like the faith of a child, I would definitely encourage him to pray and just constantly reinforce your love for him. Wish you the best in this hard time.

Poor little boy. He is begging you to stop.

I don't know your story, but I hope the two of you are mature enough to do whatever it takes to get along. How about counseling?

Why would you have told your son that you and his father are fighting rather than having told him that his father was working and living out of town so that you could not be together right now? Your son knows that you are fighting because YOU let him know that, and that's a burden to put on a child. I'd also say that it is manipulative to put that burden on a child and then tell his father how upset your son is if your hope is that will make him agree to stay with you when he's repeatedly expressed his unhappiness in the marriage and his desire to dissolve the marriage.

Your 6 yr old should have this "smoothed" over and should not be involved in deciding what is wrong or right with your marriage. That's a terrible place to put a child.
You've already crossed that threshold tho, not sure where you should go from here.
I would not like your baby dictate your future depending on what the circumstances are of your break up.
Both parents need to realize they've created a child or children, both parents need to realize that not raising that child together under the same roof can cause insecurity for the child(ren).
If you care about your children you will do things to keep them happy and stable.
If you care only about yourselves, your children will suffer.

If you're separated or divorced and he's asking you to get back together then I'd just listen to him and tell him that you understand how he feels. If he's watching you guys fight in front of him and he's telling you to stop, then you need to stop. If your husband still initiates a fight in front of him, then let it go. Talk nicely to your hubby and wait to discuss things until you're alone. It sounds like your husband would respect that and not fight in front of him. I wish you the best. Good luck!!

I would take this seriously.

My parents, who did love each other, did also bicker. I *hated* it. I had nightmares about it. I remember putting notes on their pillows saying I wished they would stop the quarreling. They both replied with what, I guess, is every parent's reply: that the fightin' and feudin' was between them and had nothing to do with me. Did it help? Not a bit. How can a fight between your own parents have nothing to do with you?

I have no idea, why you and your husband are fighting, but maybe it's time for Mama and Daddy to learn - and sometimes it takes counseling - how to work on conflicts without small people getting hit by the shrapnel. Some couples refuse to do this. They think it will cost them too much.

I hope your son will keep on praying!

You said, " I don't know what to say without coming out and saying what is really going on."

This insinuates heavily that the divorce is in motion or it's already occurred and you and your husband are now former spouses or there's no way possible to reconcile. If that's the truth, and there's no chance at all for reconciliation then I'm sorry, but it would be more kind to be truthful to your son now than to lie to him about something this big. Giving him false hope only to spring it on him later that, "Oops, sorry, honey... while you were praying for us to stop fighting and get back together we were moving ahead with the divorce anyway and let you think that there was a possibility of getting back together even though we knew there wasn't." He'll feel betrayed.

He needs to know that it's not that his prayers aren't being answered, just that they're not going to be answered in the way he hopes they will be.

Prayer is a wonderful idea, so take your son's lead. It sounds like your pastor was giving you good advice and has a good head on his shoulders so I would continue to take it... and take it sooner rather than later especially if he's a certified therapist.

If he's not a certified therapist then I suggest ADDING a certified therapist into the mix for family counseling. I really think it's very important for you, your husband, and your son to have an honest and safe place to air out family issues and how to move forward in dealing with them. You may figure out how to work things out in the marriage, but you may figure out how to work things out as civil and friendly divorced co-parents. This should be someone that your son can also speak to one on one in his own sessions privately. He sounds very intuitive and sensitive.

Children ALWAYS think that it is their fault---no matter what. So whatever you do, please tell your child its not his fault. Over and over and over again. Hang in there.

Family counseling - even if you don't get back together and the divorce is really the best thing for all (sometimes it is, I get that). Children "know" when stuff is going on, even when adults don't tell them. Adults think that children aren't aware. But the kids end up carrying the stress in the household inside themselves and don't know how to deal with it. If you can find a counselor for you and your son to help ease the burden and give each of you someone to talk to who isn't connected to the issue, it will help. If your husband has someone as well, that would help him too. Someone to help you all get through whatever happens will make things less painful. Best of luck to you!

How does he even know you are bickering? Your husband does not live there. You should not let your son know when things are not good with his dad. When you are texting your husband are you getting upset? Are you sighing and making comments under your breath? Keep this stuff to yourself. Your son should only know that his dad is living somewhere else on business!!

Still is crappy that his dad has not come back for a visit - for his son's sake!! Ridiculous!

If you and your husband know without a doubt that you two will no longer be together you need to be completely honest with your son. However, you need to make certain that your son understands that in spite of the lack of a marriage between you and his dad that you will make it a point to be a family. It is imperative that no matter your feelings for one another that you and his dad make your son your top priority.

I would have told him that even adults make mistakes and fighting in a place and manner that scared him was a mistake and we were both sorry. Then I would talk to him about the fact that fighting like that was not good for the family and that we were going to try to learn how to disagree better. If that didn't happen we were not going to put him through any more fights, but we would have to redefine how our family worked, and that may mean not being one family but two.

Telling him that it has nothing to do with him is silly, the two people he loves most are hurting eachother, it has Everything to do with him. He didn't cause it, he can't stop it, but it still effects him.

"The day you stop being grateful is the day the trouble begins". It doesn't matter who started being argumentative after one side stopped being grateful to have the love of the other. The fact is, someone has to be the hero-I think it should come from your husband-and I'm sure you will follow if he leads. The reward is greater than you can even imagine and the loss will follow you for the rest of your lives. Think long and h*** o* this and you will figure out what to do. All the best.

Ditto B. I couldn't have said it better.

Hugs~
Dawn