A.H. asks from Rolla, MO on March 12, 2009
Mother in Need of Advice About Divorce
Would it be worth it to my kids and I, if I divorce my controlling immature over jealous husband? Even though we have been together for almost 5 years and have 2 beautiful kids together.
C.S. answers from Kansas City on March 13, 2009
There is a really great book and it is also a movie...it's called FIREPROOF. It is about marriage, it may be worth a shot :) Also have you considered counciling?
C.A. answers from St. Louis on March 12, 2009
I always try to remember that we have one side of each story here. That means that in order to give good advice we need to consider what the other person may or may not be experiencing.
First you ask if you should make a life altering decision, and no one here can answer that question for you, nor should we try.
Secondly you dont mention why he calls you lazy. You work from home and take online classes. This means you are probably at home a lot more than he is. Men are clueless a lot of times about what it takes to take care of a home. It may be that since you are there he is wondering why you dont have the time to do the things he thinks should be done. If that is the case you may need to keep a running list of how much you do and let him see that you are not lazy and that if you did not do these things someone else would have to.
Marriage is something that is very valuable and when children are involved it is even much more important. If you are having problems try counceling, talking, and working it out. After these things have proven themselves to be of no use in the matter then discuss divorce. How great it would be if he could see the changes that needed to be made, and maybe you as well. Saving a marriage means happier kids and a happier couple. You loved him once, it is still in there somewhere. It just gets lost between kids, work and life in general. He wont go to counceling with you then go by yourself. You would be amazed at the change you can make in your life.
3 moms found this helpful
A.S. answers from St. Louis on March 13, 2009
My husband and I were in a bad way, and we were both talking to lawyers. Then we decided to go to "pre-divorce" counseling so that we could be amicable for our son. What we learned was that we were both communicating in hurtful, hateful ways towards each other. We both felt like martyrs (I'm doing it all, no, I'm doing it all) and did not realize the other person felt the same. Once we could get our feelings out with a mediator and learn to communicate better (neither of us had good communication modelled by our parents), we found that we could stay married, and we're happier now than we were even before we got married. It's been over two years, and the "D" word hasn't been on the table since, even though we do still have the occasional healthy argument-- staying within the limits of good communication. Please ask him to go to counseling with you. Telling him you are thinking about leaving might just be the motivation he needs to wake up to his behaviors and seek help with you. If he refuses counseling, then that's a pretty clear indication of where your marriage is going anyway, right?
1 mom found this helpful
K.S. answers from Kansas City on March 13, 2009
If he's controlling immature and over jealous, then why did you choose to marry him and then choose to make 2 children w/ someone so awful? Obviously when you married there was something you loved about him. I suggest you go back and remember what it was that you loved so much and start doing something to repair your marriage. Your kids didn't ask to be brought into a home where both the parents are immature and choose not to get along! I say you both are immature because you're on this website calling him names and doing nothing but praising yourself. I think if you did some changing w/ your own self then you will see changes in him also! It's not fair to your children for their lives to be ruined and go through a messy forever life changing divorce!
1 mom found this helpful
M.B. answers from St. Louis on March 12, 2009
I dont think anyone can tell you what to do. Only you know if you have had enough. You probably already know that divorce is a huge and life changing decision for you and your family. So you have to decide, is this man going to change? Is being with him a bad example to your children? But I will say, people dp change, my husband did, but some people dont. Maybe get away from him for awhile, that might change his attitude.
1 mom found this helpful
J.W. answers from Kansas City on March 13, 2009
I am a child of divorce. My brother and I were similar in age at the time of your kids. The divorce affected us for the rest of our lives. To this day my brother (who is a grown man with 4 children of his own) believes that he is responsible for the split somehow even though he knows this is irrational. We both made a LOT of stupid choices as we grew up that I can see tie in to the betrayal of our parents through the divorce.
I am married and have a son of my own and my husband and I have had our share of rough patches. At one point my husband started to stay at work as long as possible to avoid spending any time with me. Through prayer and some counseling I went to on my own because my husband would not go we have turned our relationship around and is now in a MUCH better place. For me divorce was never an option because of how it affected my brother and I. I used to think I was supportive of my husband and would have told anyone I was his biggest fan, but now realize that I was not supportive at all and was actually tearing him down on a daily basis. I have learned a lot about myself in this process and it continues to be a work in progress, however, I have no worry or fear in my life anymore and my relationship with my husband is great. We have a mutual respect for one another. It can be overcome. I will pray for you and hope that your story will have a positive outcome.
1 mom found this helpful
L.K. answers from Kansas City on March 12, 2009
Bless your heart. You are an amazing woman and mother who sees the value of a family. But I agree with another poster that controlling issues are a problem and he's trying to devalue you as a person by telling you how lazy you are when it sounds like you are juggling several balls.
Thank God, I have a husband who honestly is just short of Sainthood in my opinion. BUT I am a product of divorce and from my experience it would have been far better for my parents to split before they finally did! I absolutely believe in keeping a family together IF it is a HEALTHY environment. In my opinion, staying together "for the sake of the kids" is not a healthy environment if they see him degrading you. And talking to his father won't be helpful because he learned those behaviors somewhere and is teaching your children those behaviors and manipulation too.
Do talk to someone objective, but the longer you stay in the relationship, the harder it will be to get out later.
T.W. answers from Kansas City on March 13, 2009
The question I ask anyone who ever wants this type of advice is: Do you want your child to grow up acting like this man? If your immediate answer is NO, then you have the answer you are asking for.
B.C. answers from Joplin on March 13, 2009
Have you attempted talking to your husband about how you feel? It is just that divorce is so...final. Divorce can be hadr on children, but living in a household of constant stress is no better, maybe even worse becaus you and your husband are the role models they will pattern after. Have you looked into counselling? Talked to a pastor at church?
It sounds like you may already know in your heart what you want to do, but I urge you to search your heart, talk to your husband about how you feel and try and get some counseling. It sounds like you are trying to better yourself, which is wonderful.
You are in my prayers