Mother in Need of Advice About Divorce

I always try to remember that we have one side of each story here. That means that in order to give good advice we need to consider what the other person may or may not be experiencing.

First you ask if you should make a life altering decision, and no one here can answer that question for you, nor should we try.

Secondly you dont mention why he calls you lazy. You work from home and take online classes. This means you are probably at home a lot more than he is. Men are clueless a lot of times about what it takes to take care of a home. It may be that since you are there he is wondering why you dont have the time to do the things he thinks should be done. If that is the case you may need to keep a running list of how much you do and let him see that you are not lazy and that if you did not do these things someone else would have to.

Marriage is something that is very valuable and when children are involved it is even much more important. If you are having problems try counceling, talking, and working it out. After these things have proven themselves to be of no use in the matter then discuss divorce. How great it would be if he could see the changes that needed to be made, and maybe you as well. Saving a marriage means happier kids and a happier couple. You loved him once, it is still in there somewhere. It just gets lost between kids, work and life in general. He wont go to counceling with you then go by yourself. You would be amazed at the change you can make in your life.

3 moms found this helpful

My husband and I were in a bad way, and we were both talking to lawyers. Then we decided to go to "pre-divorce" counseling so that we could be amicable for our son. What we learned was that we were both communicating in hurtful, hateful ways towards each other. We both felt like martyrs (I'm doing it all, no, I'm doing it all) and did not realize the other person felt the same. Once we could get our feelings out with a mediator and learn to communicate better (neither of us had good communication modelled by our parents), we found that we could stay married, and we're happier now than we were even before we got married. It's been over two years, and the "D" word hasn't been on the table since, even though we do still have the occasional healthy argument-- staying within the limits of good communication. Please ask him to go to counseling with you. Telling him you are thinking about leaving might just be the motivation he needs to wake up to his behaviors and seek help with you. If he refuses counseling, then that's a pretty clear indication of where your marriage is going anyway, right?
Good luck.
A.

1 mom found this helpful

A.,
If he's controlling immature and over jealous, then why did you choose to marry him and then choose to make 2 children w/ someone so awful? Obviously when you married there was something you loved about him. I suggest you go back and remember what it was that you loved so much and start doing something to repair your marriage. Your kids didn't ask to be brought into a home where both the parents are immature and choose not to get along! I say you both are immature because you're on this website calling him names and doing nothing but praising yourself. I think if you did some changing w/ your own self then you will see changes in him also! It's not fair to your children for their lives to be ruined and go through a messy forever life changing divorce!

1 mom found this helpful

I dont think anyone can tell you what to do. Only you know if you have had enough. You probably already know that divorce is a huge and life changing decision for you and your family. So you have to decide, is this man going to change? Is being with him a bad example to your children? But I will say, people dp change, my husband did, but some people dont. Maybe get away from him for awhile, that might change his attitude.

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I am a child of divorce. My brother and I were similar in age at the time of your kids. The divorce affected us for the rest of our lives. To this day my brother (who is a grown man with 4 children of his own) believes that he is responsible for the split somehow even though he knows this is irrational. We both made a LOT of stupid choices as we grew up that I can see tie in to the betrayal of our parents through the divorce.

I am married and have a son of my own and my husband and I have had our share of rough patches. At one point my husband started to stay at work as long as possible to avoid spending any time with me. Through prayer and some counseling I went to on my own because my husband would not go we have turned our relationship around and is now in a MUCH better place. For me divorce was never an option because of how it affected my brother and I. I used to think I was supportive of my husband and would have told anyone I was his biggest fan, but now realize that I was not supportive at all and was actually tearing him down on a daily basis. I have learned a lot about myself in this process and it continues to be a work in progress, however, I have no worry or fear in my life anymore and my relationship with my husband is great. We have a mutual respect for one another. It can be overcome. I will pray for you and hope that your story will have a positive outcome.

1 mom found this helpful

Bless your heart. You are an amazing woman and mother who sees the value of a family. But I agree with another poster that controlling issues are a problem and he's trying to devalue you as a person by telling you how lazy you are when it sounds like you are juggling several balls.
Thank God, I have a husband who honestly is just short of Sainthood in my opinion. BUT I am a product of divorce and from my experience it would have been far better for my parents to split before they finally did! I absolutely believe in keeping a family together IF it is a HEALTHY environment. In my opinion, staying together "for the sake of the kids" is not a healthy environment if they see him degrading you. And talking to his father won't be helpful because he learned those behaviors somewhere and is teaching your children those behaviors and manipulation too.
Do talk to someone objective, but the longer you stay in the relationship, the harder it will be to get out later.

L. K

The question I ask anyone who ever wants this type of advice is: Do you want your child to grow up acting like this man? If your immediate answer is NO, then you have the answer you are asking for.

A.,
Have you attempted talking to your husband about how you feel? It is just that divorce is so...final. Divorce can be hadr on children, but living in a household of constant stress is no better, maybe even worse becaus you and your husband are the role models they will pattern after. Have you looked into counselling? Talked to a pastor at church?
It sounds like you may already know in your heart what you want to do, but I urge you to search your heart, talk to your husband about how you feel and try and get some counseling. It sounds like you are trying to better yourself, which is wonderful.
You are in my prayers
B.

A.,

I was in a similar situation as yourself. It hurts when the one you love, married and had kids with cuts you down so much. I am so glad you found your strength and decided it was enough. Your questions as to would it be worth it for the kids...I asked the same question over and over. Looking back now almost 6 years later...YES, I don't regret it and I have found true happiness that I never thought existed. I have a wonderful husband who doesn't cut me down and I managed with my daughter. Just to make you aware...it will not be cheap lawyer wise. I spent over $10K and had to settle. Looking back, the only regret was I wanted to be rid of him so bad because he was such a mean man that I gave up too much that I worked for. Don't let him guilt you into thinking you haven't earned the love of your kids and the other material things. Stay strong and keep your head up. Fight for your children and no matter what it costs and stay firm. Also...you aren't going crazy, I thought the same thing. You deserve more and a better life. Best of luck to you and if you ever need anything...please feel free to contact me.

That's quite a question and I don;t think you can find the answer here. I think that answer is in your heart.

There is a really great book and it is also a movie...it's called FIREPROOF. It is about marriage, it may be worth a shot :) Also have you considered counciling?

This is from a 60 year old woman who has been thru 2 divorces....GET COUNSELING TOGETHER!!! Get involved in a church that you both like . You need the Lord in your life. He does sound controlling and that is not good for your kids to see and experience. BUT don't give up yet. You two must communicate. I did not and I have regretted it. Say what is on your mind...don't hold back. Go to a Marriage Encounter Weekend. It is faith based and from what I hear very good. Exhuast all options first. Start having a date night where you two only talk about yourselves. I will pray that this can be resolved. The Lord never wants divoce...sometimes it is the only way...but usua;ly only when there is adultry. Keep truying...make him talk..and You talk too!!!!!!

A.,
I am also going through a divorce right now. Ask yourself...is this the type of relationship you want your kids to set as the standard and to look for? I am a counselor, have been with my husband for ten years, we have a now 13 month old son, and separated 4 months ago. We are in the process of a divorce. A divorce is not something you take lightly or you just think about here and there. You have to be completely sure otherwise there is no point because a divorce is so difficult you will go right back to him. Whatever you do...do not leave your house...he needs to leave. My attorney is amazing if you are looking for someone good. I can also refer some very good counselors for you to talk and figure some things out. This is about your happiness and your children will adjust. They will adjust very well when they see mommy is happier without daddy...if that is the case for you. You may need a couples retreat to work on issues. I recommend www.retrouvaille.org - it is Christian based and is specific for couples who are having problems. Otherwise couples counseling is good, but the weekend retreats seem to be very effective. Make sure you feel as though you did all you could before you make such a big decision. I am happy to make some referrals. Above all...you and your husband model for your kids what love looks like...we repeat what we see and learn.
A.

I would recommend counseling first and would certainly let him know how you feel. No one NO ONE has the right to put you down like that. I'm not walking in your shoes but I would certainly think that if this behavior can't be turned around, I can't help thinking you and the children would be better off not in his presence...after all, staying condones that behavior and they will eventually learn it too either by mimicking it or thinking that you are lazy too.

I understand where you are at. I would advice marriage counseling or at least talking with your pastor. I had 3 kids and married 15 years and my husband was abusive. We did divorce but I think it really affected my kids a lot and he still verbally abused me around the kids when ever he had the chance. Communicate and set some limits. I wish you well.

I have never been married and I don't think anyone can make that choice for you. But I can tell you that you can make it on your own. I truly believe that you and the kids will be better if you remove the negative. If he is not going to build you up- he will just bring you down. If he is making you miserable, he is a way, taking away from the kids. You have to take care of you- to give the kids the best. They deserve to know what a healthy relationship should be. and its easier to do when they are young as opposed to older. I say this, because I had to make the same choice. I hated to call it quits and take my son from his dad. But it was for the best. He is now raised in a good enviroment and he sees his dad alot. but there is no fighting or negativity. Good luck.

Is there any chance that couples counseling would help? I realize that most men would rather have a root canal rather than go through counseling, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. Divorce sucks for everybody involved even when it's unavoidable. If you can get him to go to counseling, even if you do ultimately divorce, it can really make a difference-not just for the two adults, but for the kids as well.
I'm very sorry that you're in this situation and hope that you can find peace. You don't deserve to be treated in a way that makes you feel unworthy. God bless you.

Im with you on this.What does he do all day? Call Legal Aide.

A.,

Im so sorry your feeling like this. You need to go to your church or a local church in your area. Hopefully one that a friend can reccommend. Spring Creek, Macedonia, Salem Ave, First Baptist try those.

I know it sounds very "Mary Poppins" but the Peace that passes all understanding is found in Jesus and nothing else. No new job, no new husband, no new life. I would have trouble doing your schedule. I've been through a divorce it was very hard to go through. And it's not easy to make it on your own financially without your kids losing even more of you. With the world the way it is today I would not want to embark on that road.

Praying for you and your family,
L. H

I would simply try to sit down and try to talk. Being a mom of a 9 year old and 2 year old, I have been there, done that, but it is extremely hard (yet sometimes impossible). Set your expecations and see what he offers. If he offers nothing (or near to nothing), then go from there. I think a lot of times, they don't realize how much you have sacificed or the burden until you tell them. If they know and then can pick up the slack, you may be amazed.
We are still working on it, but if its worth it to him (and you), it should be worth it no matter what/who needs to do without.

Hi A.,

Sorry to hear that you are so unhappy right now. I would just encourage you to not give up! If you and your husband could go to a competant family counsellor, you might find that will help a lot. Going to see a pastor for some issues in our marriage really opened up the door for better communication in our marriage and the issues that had been really bugging me got so much better. Many churches offer counselling for free so you might check with your own church or one in your area.

I would also recommend the book Starved for Affection by Dr. Randy Carlson. It is wonderful! It gets to the point and offers many ideas and support for dealing with specific problems. I think you can find it on Amazon, eBay and at the Intentional Living website (Dr. Carlson's ministry website.)

Hang in There!
A.

Hello! I am a mother of three and I have been through a divorce and i tried to make my marriage work. I can honestly say that if counseling does not work then you need to do some soul searching. I learned first hand that if you are not happy then the kids are not happy and the kids are number one.
As far as going to school I can relate to that also. I love my husband and my husband loves me. I can say that he to also called me lazy. I managed to take care of the kids and the house. iwould have dinner ready when he got home and I went to school FT. It is true men do not understand what we go through. I can say do not give up and keep your head up it will get better. It is a stressing time when a spouse devotes time to school. The income gets cut in half and it seems like the homework is endless. I did graduate and now our lives are a litle easier and we have a better income. Don't give up.

Well, in my experience, I left when my daughter was 4 years old. It wasn't easy, but after being on our own for about 3 months, my daughter told me "Mommy - it IS better without Daddy being here" (she's now 32). I found the love of my life when I was 33 and we've been married for 20 years now - and my daughter had him walk her down the aisle when she married. She's going through the same thing right now and will be leaving her husband of 10 years soon. You have to make yourself happy to make your kids happy - you should try to talk to your husband to see if that can make a difference, but you know what they say - people don't change. Good luck!

Honey, this is not the place to come for such important advice. We do not know enough about your situation, and we are not in a position to be able to give your really good, meaningful advice. Do you have someone in your life that you trust and value their opinion?? A parent, a minister, an older friend?? You need to have someone that you can confide in and talk to, vent a little and let someone give you a different perspective on things.
Marriage is a big commitment, and children are such a huge responsibility....this is not the forum to come to for really good solid advice that applies to your precise situation. I do agree with what others have said about it not being a good idea to "stay for the sake of the children". My own marriage was very rocky for quite a few years, and I think I can see how it has affected my three grown girls, growing up in a household where Mom and Dad didn't get along and show them the proper role models. You need to search your own heart and soul, and try to come up with a decision on your own about what is best for you, your husband and your children.
God Bless You Honey!!!

Just stay in prayer!!!! Have you seen the movie FIREPROOF??? It is an amazing movie and shows how hard both people in a marriage have to work. I hope that things will work out for you, but I also agree with the woman who said you cant find your answer on here. It is in your heart and with prayer and a lot of talking with family, friends, and your husband. It seems like you have already made up your mind and are looking for affirmation. I will keep you in my prayers, I have never been through what you are going through, but have wathced both of my parents go through it several times. Good luck and God Bless!!!

Yes it would be worth it. A lot of people stay together "for the sake of the kids" and it actually is more harmful than if they were to split up...what are the ages of your children?
And it sounds like he's verbally abusive...YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THAT...you've invested 5 years, yes but it would be better to get out now before you've invested 35 years and have regrets later in life...wishing you would have left sooner. Good luck with everything and God Bless :)

With everything that you are doing, and have going on, he is probably feeling insecure and maybe like he isn't important. I'm not trying to take up for him or anything, but a lot of men feel this way. Especially if you are trying to better yourself, he may think that you are going to leave him for something better also. I would definitely exhaust all other resources before going through divorce, unless he is physically abusive to you or the kids, then get out and don't look back. If you go to church, you could always try talking with your pastor. There are so many options, counseling, father or father in law, and other men that your husband would take advice from. Sometimes just constant reassurance that you love him and will be with him no matter what.
I hope this helps. I really hate to see divorce tear apart families.

It sounds like it would be better to get out. Especially for the kids. They see their dad acting like that, and that is their role model for how to treat other people. It would be hard, but hopefully you have supportive family/friends. The red flag for me is not being able to talk to your friends.

if you dont want to leave him, see if he'll get counseling with you.

Good luck and God bless.

Is it worth it? Only YOU can answer that for YOU.
Check out http://www.fireproofmymarriage.com.

Have you suggested couseling? I am going through a divorce not of my choice but his. I am really struggling because I love him and we have been married for eleven years. I think children are the ones that have the roughest time and my son misses his dad. Please be sure you have tried everything before you give up so you don't have any regrets.