Issues with the Ex Wife in Ballwin, MO

There are a lot of opinions here! You seem to have touched on something that many people have feelings and thoughts about. I'll add mine to the bundle - I think my views are in the minority, but they come from my long (18 years) as a mom whose daughters have a step-mom and my personal experience AS a step-mother.

First, PICK YOUR BATTLES. Let go of issues like bikinis. The truth is that older children need permission of ALL parents (and step-parents) to do something, not just one. Any other way would mean that the child who is told "NO" by one parent will simply go looking for another parent who will tell them "YES."

Second, while it is true that the birth mother has a giant stake in what happens to her daughter, it is also a bad and awkward thing for the ex-wife to have power or control over what happens inside your home - especially THROUGH your boyfriend. If that becomes the process, then you will find yourself arguing and begging for your side of things, and she will be doing the same. That puts your boyfriend in a very uncomfortable middle spot, and it puts you in a very weak spot - not as a partner inside your own household, but as someone who has to beg your boyfriend to be on your side. First and foremost, you and your boyfriend have moved in together and are now a "team" and should decide together what is right for your family, in your household. He will still have to negotiate with his ex about their mutual children, but he should not agree to anything different than what you've decided without first saying to her, "I need to talk to K. about this and see what she thinks," or, if relations are friendly enough, "why don't we talk to K. about this and see what thoughts she has?" His ex needs to understand that your needs and thoughts are part of the equation, just like hers are.

Here are some things to consider:

1. If you were the regular babysitter, the child's mom would speak to you directly about how you care for her child. If you are going to have that babysitter role, consider the idea that you and your boyfriend ask his ex to discuss child care matters with you directly, just as she would with any paid caretaker. Remember, too, that while you are "getting something" out of this (the ability to stay home with your own child), she is also getting something - free child care!

2. I think no outsider should have a right to tell you whether or not you may have a dog. But they do have a right to take their child out of your home if they don't want her to be around a dog. Go back to the paid caretaker scenario and think about how this would work. You can understand why a mom would be upset about her child being bit. Anyone leaving their child with you might react by saying they do not want the dog in the vicinity. It might or might not be an over-reaction (was it puppy rambunctiousness or a "mean dog"? Was it playful teething, or dislike of children?) (Bassets are generally pretty mellow, so I'm guessing this is puppiness). Anyway, this could be the response of any parent. Then, there would be certain choices that had to be made. You could offer up to her that you would keep the dog away from the child (caged or in another, closed room) and get the dog obedience training. At that point, she can accept that solution or not. If she does not accept that solution, then you would have to decide whether you want the dog enough to lose the "business" (e.g. her taking her child to a different caretaker), AND she would have to decide whether she wanted the hassle of changing caretakers enough to pull the child out of your home and find someone else. That is how it would work in a paid care situation.

3. We haven't talked at all yet about whether the dog is really the issue, or whether the real issue is the fact that the ex's new lady is the caretaker of her child. As much as you may wish this were a neutral situation, there are probably uncomfortable feelings there - the woman who has replaced her is now "parenting" her child all day. And, you get to stay home with HER child, while she either has to or wants to work. Even if she wants to, there may be a part of her that is jealous. Her trying to control things in your household may be stemming from some underlying resentment. In the end, it might not be a great idea to babysit the ex's daughter by another man. If you feel you MUST babysit someone else's child in order to justify staying home with your own child, consider taking in a paying customer or two. That way, you will have what is called an "arms' length" relationship - a business relationship. People can choose your home based on who YOU are, and what sort of home you have. They can choose to leave the care situation, if they don't like it - that's just business. You can fire customers who you don't like, too! The situation you are in now could have so many negative ramifications, especially with your husband stuck in the middle. You will have enough possible issues through the years, because they have a child in common. But you and your boyfriend might not necessarily want the added burden of having to argue over a child that is not his.

ONE LAST PLUG for choosing your battles (I am too wordy, I know). You, your boyfriend AND his ex should consider which battles are critical. During their lives, children will have many caretakers, and even with good care, none will care for them in the exact way that mom does. The amazing thing is that children are resilent, and can benefit and adjust from having different care takers. For example, kids will have several different teachers over the course of their lives, yet they manage to learn from year to year new rules, new procedures, etc, and they still thrive and cope. As long as you are a good, safe, loving parent, children will do fine around you. Mostly you can work out differences in parenting styles by talking them through, but occasionally, the parent should just relax and let things be done differently - if it won't hurt anything. Here is an example of where I do not agree with EITHER of the parents, yet it is ok for me to "do it my way":

In our household, we have the kids every other week. On our weeks, our routine is that I go downstairs and fix breakfast for everyone, while the Dad wakes the three kids up and gets them started dressing. Then he goes to shower, etc, and get ready for work. The oldest boy wants highly sugared cereal for breakfast. His mom and his dad both are ok with that, but I am a healthy eater, and it drives me nuts that the first food of the day is loaded with sugar - like dessert! I know many moms don't think this is bad, especially since these cereals generally have vitamins added, etc. However, it bothers ME - think me weird or whatever. But you know what? If I'm going to be the one who feeds them, and I'm the one who shops, and I'm the one who has to watch them eat it, then I need to be able to make a decision I am comfortable with. When this came up, I offered to the Dad that HE take over the breakfast job himself, and I will get them out of bed and get them started dressing. That way, if he wanted to give them sugary cereal I wouldn't have to watch. Of course, that would have meant him getting up half and hour earlier so that he could shower first, and he decided that his 1/2 hour of sleep was more important than feeding his son sugary cereal.

Here you see, I am not trying to TELL HIM how to parent. I am just saying that this way of parenting doesn't work for me, and I cannot comfortably parent that way. If he wants to parent that way, FINE. I won't try to stop him.

I am not always this stubborn. There are other things, like bedtime, whether the kids need to eat their vegatables, how often they bathe and brush their teeth, that we have had disagreements about. Usually we compromise and work something out that we can both live with. Sometimes I give in and do it his way, sometimes he gives in and does it my way.

I don't know if any of this has been helpful, K., but I want to emphasize that the first chore you have is to make sure you and your boyfriend are on the same page. Otherwise, you will find yourself very frustrated, and an UNequal partner in your own home who has to get permission.

Step-parenting is very very difficult. Good luck with it!

S.

Okay K. J, I've just read all of the responses so far, and I don't think you're going to like what I have to say, but here goes. Yes, its your life. And you have the right to want things and be happy.

But....when the pursuit of your happiness involves the lives of other individuals, then its time to take a deep breath, stand back and do some serious prioritizing.

It sounds to me that there is plenty going on in your life that, even in the best of circumstances will be difficult and trying. A new relationship, a new baby, a new home in a new city, going to college, becoming a step mother, a difficult ex wife, those are major life occurences.

On top of all of that, you want to make an issue about bikinis and puppies. The puppy needs to go. You aren't doing it any favors by placing in it a situation that is tension filled and making it wear a muzzle. Its a still a new born and for the next year needs major attention to become a good pet. That's not fair to the dog. It deserves to be with owners that have time to give it the attention it needs.

Too many other important areas need your attention. Too many people need your attention. Let alone a pet. Prioritize. Is it going to be people or pets? Is it going to be peace or bikinis? Let her parents, parent her. If you get involved in that at all, make absolutely sure you are respecting both parents boundaries.

I don't think you realize that the odds are statistically against you. Yes, 60% of first marriages in divorce. 75% of second marriages end in divorce. Simply because its not just about the two people building the new relationship. Its about the other people as well. The child, the ex, her new mate, their kids. Its about all of you. Its damn'd hard to do.

I don't mean to be so gloom and doom. But I'm just so tired of hearing adults say "the kids just have to deal with it", "get used to it". Why should they have to "deal" with any of it. They didn't choose to have their lives turned upside down. The people who love them most and who were suppose to protect them did that.

So now, your step daughter is watching both of her parents build new lives, with new homes, new babies and I'm sure is scared to death that there won't be room for her. But she is just suppose to deal with it.

I think some money on blended family counseling would be well spent. And in spite of my negative rant, I really do wish all of you the best.

On the dog....no question, it has to go. You need to not babysit or get rid of it. I think it is irresponsible to not only put her child around a dog that bit her, but your step-child as well.
I had a family dog that I had been around 100 times, that "never would hurt anyone" attack me out of the blue for no reason!! It ripped my nose half way off and bit my hand. A plstic surgeon had to re-attach my nose and sew up my hand. Like I said....this dog had NEVER attacked anyone before. With EVERY DOG there is a possiblity that it can hurt someone, ESPECIALLY children. I can't blame her at all on that one. I actually would not have let my child return if it was still there. It's not fair to the dog either to be couped up in an apartment with a muzzle or kept up all day.

On the bikini issue, she just might be flexing a little control muscle, there is really nothing you can do about it. Maybe keep things at your house that you buy for when she is over there.

I think that Rachel does need some alone time with her dad. Father-Daughter relationships are very important. She of course needs to also understand that you intend on being a family as soon as you marry. I just think there needs to be a balance of family time and daddy time. That goes for couples that are still married with their kids as well. That makes the child feel special and that is where the focus needs to be anyway=what's best for the child!!

Good Luck

Okay, here goes! I am old enough to be your Mom so, bear with me!
First, you are a young woman who has alot going on. Mothering a growing toddler, "step-mom" to a "tween", a student and a soon-to-be wife again. Slow down! We're not supposed to "master" it all before we're 25! My oldest son will be 21 in Nov. and I tell him all the time to "take it one day at a time" which, he has learned is wise advice. He's learning to take care of himself, which you are still learning, by the way.
Your priorities are your son first, and making sure you are taking care of yourself. It sounds like you have bitten off a bit more than you can chew.

You are wearing alot of hats these days, so be very choosey which ones you really need to wear now.

The puppy? He should be out in the country where he's free to run and track rabbits, etc. He's a basset hound......he's not an apartment dog.
No one with a brain wants their baby near a biting dog/puppy.

The bikini? Consult with the girl's parents, even though you're "almost" her step-mom. Get used to it. It will be this way whether or not you're married, forever.

The job? Maybe it'd be best to care for a child that isn't your boyfriend's-ex-wife's baby. Keep it simple.

Sorry to sound harsh. You clearly have a big heart with the best intentions, but slow down and figure out what will be best for you, your son in say 5,10,15 years....and so on.
It is not always best marrying the man that looks like the white knight dressed in armour ready to rescue the damsel.
Good Luck.

As far as the dog issue goes, I would either get a kennel to keep it in while the baby is there or stop babysitting. I can see her point if the puppy bites, and little kids can easily get knocked down too.
As far as the shared daughter, I agree with you that you are building a family and the daughter doesn't get to have daddy all to herself anymore. I am going through something similar woth my 9 y/o stepdaughter. She had daddy all to herself for 8 years! It's been a rough adjustment, but necessary. However, my DH and I have both talked about wanting a little one on one time with our own kids. It doesn't have to be whole visits. Sometimes he will take his daughter to a movie or just go out and have a "date" at McDonalds. As much as it is important to focus on teh family aspect, all children need a little one on one time with each of thier parents just liek you and your boyfriend need a little alone time together.

K. J,

I applaud you for the courage to take on a boyfriend with an ex and a daughter from a previous relationship. I understand where you are coming from. However, I do believe that that little girl should be able to spend some quality one on one time with her father. I grew up in the same situation. My dad had a girlfriend that he eventually married when I was 11 years old. She never allowed us the opportunity to spend anytime alone. I grew up resenting both my dad and my step mother for not allowing me just a fraction of alone time with my father. You have to think of it through Rachel's eyes. It's tough on her having to bounce from mom's to dad's and having 2 different sets of rules and 2 different ways you can or can not behave. It's tough on a preteen. I would say give them a little alone space when she is there because if not it could get worse for you later. I agree with you that Rachel does need to get used to the fact that there are 2 other people in the situation, but she should be able to also spend a little alone time with her biological dad. You wrote that your afraid you'll mess up with Rachel. I think the only way you could mess up with her would be standing in the middle of a little alone time.

On the puppy issue, it's your home and if you want a puppy, have a puppy. Even if it means giving up the babysitting for the ex. The ex does have the right to not have her baby exposed to a dog that just bit her. Imagine if it were your child. Sometimes in these adult situations you need to see every side of the issue and try to come to a peaceful solution. As adults, we need to get over ourselves and think of the children in the situation. What will be best for the children.

Just try to be the coolest "Dad's Girlfriend" and "Step Mom" you can be and remember that there will be bumps in the road. There always are when it come to other people's children. When the ex has one of those talks with you about Rachel, learn from it and move on to the next cool, new idea you might have. If you play your cards right you can benefit from Rachel. If you and your boyfriend get married and have kids, she'll be there to help if she has felt respected. She'll be old enough to babysit someday if you build trust and respect with each other.

I hope my rambling has helped. Good luck to you and again, applause to you for taking on the role!

Wow, you have a lot on your plate right now. That's got to be extremely stressful. But I think my advice for decreasing your stress is to get rid of some of it. That means getting rid of your puppy, or agreeing not to babysit that baby. It also means letting go battles about time and things like bikinis.

Looking at it from your perspective, I know you're doing your best to make a home for a dog as well as keeping Dawn safe. And I know how it feels to want a pet, and to raise your children in the company of loving pets. But if this were Toby in someone else's home, and he was bitten even once, would you want the dog muzzled, or out of the house? If it were my daughter, I'd just move on myself rather that take the chance that the dog might be dangerous or left unmuzzled even once. And I'm a dog lover who believes muzzling is not even appropriate. So, for Dawn's and Toby's sakes, and your family well-being, I would find another home for the puppy or let go of babysitting. Not only that, your puppy is a BABY....puppies should not have to move into the home that chose them and be muzzled. It's cruel, and doesn't teach them any self control. For your puppy's sake, please consider giving him a new home while he's young enough to blend in.

This probably isn't what you want to hear either, but despite feeling like Rachel is being manipulative and needs to 'get used to it,' she's still a child, who had no part in deciding that her parents would split up, nor that she'd be gaining a stepmother. Again, put yourself in her shoes and in her mother's shoes. Imagine Toby being expected to get used to it. Adults made decisions that impact her, and while we all must learn to deal with things we don't like as we become adults, it's unreasonable for her not to want this. Even if, as you said in your second post, she does have time with her father. Expecting an adolescent to see things rationally isn't wise...caving in isn't either, but you're not talking about her drinking or stealing cars...you're talking about her relationship with her father. But if this is the beginning of your real relationship with her, your whole family is in for a very rocky road. It only gets harder for the next couple of years. And frankly, many parents of adolescents would be thrilled if their children wanted to spend time with them.

You sound like you're living a very adult life, although you're actually still quite young. But this means making adult decisions, and putting aside hurt feelings about bikinis, the need for a puppy, and expecting a teenager to bypass her feelings about her father, as unreasonable as those feelings & demands may seem to you.

Sorry not to sound more supportive. I do wish you the best.
G.

HI K., First of all, I commend you for trying to get along with the x. secondly, you do need a "place" in the home, and if you and your boyfriend agree about it, then the x has the problem not you. You don't go over there and try to control things and she shouldn't either. She( the x) should trust the father's authority to handle things in his own home. She sounds very controlling and thats probably why they divorced.I am a mother of 3 and have been a step mom. Rachael spending "time" with her dad is something that should be done, but there are things you all can as family.The puppy issue is just another way for the x to control things. Don't worry, just relax and enjoy your family.

Rachel did not choose to have two families. Your boyfriend should always respect her needs and if he does not, you should not marry him. And if you do not support that relationship, then he should not marry you.

If your not happy with your job, then make some changes. You are probably not giving the best care if you are unhappy. Babies and children can sense that.

And as far as the dog goes, maybe you should have someone adopt him until you have a house and have all of your family problems in order.

I'm sorry, I don't have any actual experience of being a step mother. I have way too much experience with having a horrible step mother, but I won't go there.

I don't think it sounds unreasonable for her to want the child to spend some alone time with dad. All children should have time alone with their parents no matter what marital status there is or where everyone lives. I've raised 2 daughters and am still raising 2 more. I've always looked for times to be alone with each of my children and my husband spends alone time with them all as well.

About the bikini. Your just going to have to deal with the womans ideas. It's her daughter and she has a right to decide how she's raised. I agree with her that bikinis are innappropriate. I don't like them for anyone let alone a small child. I'm really happy and I suppose lucky that my husband feels the same about things like that. I mean I would never tell someone not to do it for their own kids. But I won't allow my own kids to wear them.

Now about the dog. I've made this mistake. I got a dog once that was very sweet and he did ok 99% of the time. But he had a few incidents with some kids. The first time he was a puppy too and I thought it was because he was excited. The next time was a few years later when someone was bothering him when he was eating. I made sure the kids never went around him with food again. A few years later he did it again when someone snuck up on him in the dark. I still didn't take it as a sign to let him go. All of these were very small bruises or barely flesh wounds. However, when the dog was 9 years old he bit a child when the child abused him. The dog was just defending himself, but it was still a big deal. He was older and had health problems so I had him put to sleep in order to avoid a worse bite later. I would simply never do this again. If a dog bites once they will do it again. And it may be worse next time. I know people that have had multiple surgeries to correct facial bites from dogs. Kids are down low at the eye level with the child. So it's very likely a child will be bitten in the face. I agree with the ex. As hard as it is, the dog needs to go. There are more docile breeds of dogs.

I did some research and bought a Shitz-zu. He's almost 4 years old now and has never so much as groweled at the kids. They can sit on him, step on him, pull his tail and he's nothing but the sweetest dog ever. I trust this dog and will never again make excuses for a dog.

Suzi

K.,
I don't really have much experience as far as the step-mom thing goes, but if she doesn't want her kid around the dog then you should tell her that she can find someone else to watch her child. It may just not be a good situation for you to be in. There are plenty of people out there that need child care and many that don't mind their kids being around dogs, puppy or not.

I run a home day care and I have three dogs - a cocker spaniel, a basset hound and a lab. They are all great with the kids. The basset was 4 months old when I had my twins and he was great with them letting them pull his ears, etc. He did get iritated when they began to crawl and then walk because up until that point he could get away from them if he was annoyed.

Just make sure the puppy has some dog toys/bones to chew own. He is a puppy and bassets LOVE to chew on things. Like you said, he may just need some training.

Good Luck and enjoy your puppy.

K.,

I think you are right to say that the puppy is a puppy. Dogs bite! If they are puppies they bite when they are playing all the time. If they are big dogs they bite to say "Get away! Hey that is my food! Don't hit me" They can't talk or yell like humans can so they have to bite. If this was an older dog who bit for no reason then I would say get rid of it.....but, it is a puppy. It seems that the mother is trying to have some control extra control over your house.

About the bikini.....I personally think they are okay as long as they fit properly. But, as a mother to a young daughter I would like if my husband and I split and she had a step mom for the step mom to consult me on questionalbe things like that. Make sure you are clear on her opinion on the length of skirts, tanktops, swimsuits, etc. Those are decisions that need to be made with the daughters best interest at heart. If you put yourself in the same shoes I am sure you could see where she might be coming from on that issue.

As far as alone time, it sounds like she gets that. It would be great if all kids got time alone with each parent on a weekly basis...but, as a mother of four children that is nearly impossible. I rotate who gets to do extra things with me....but it doesn't happen as much as I would like.

Without knowing the situation fully I think you are doing a good job working with the real mom. Maybe the two of you could go out to lunch and you could explain that you are not the bad guy....you want what is best for the daughter too and if there are things she has issues with to talk to you about them, but for her to please respect your home and the decisions you make there knowing you are making them with her interest at heart.

Good luck. C.