Torn Between Two Men

MM:

You're in a pickle. Most open marriages are for "fun" not for developing a future spouse...it's for "ef" buddies - getting what you can't or don't get in the marital bed and still keeping your marriage going strong.

Most couples who have open marriages are EXTREMELY close and have a STRONG, solid marriage. Yours doesn't sound like it was strong and solid. So the playing on the side showed all the cracks in the foundation and even put HUGE GLARING lights on them.

Step out of your box. Pretend you are your best friend and you are trying to help her - what would you say to her?

If it were me? I would stay and work on my marriage. The grass is NOT greener. You've seen this guy in his good times...when you leave your husband for him? Your "new man" will lose his glow and charm. Right now? You are in the "fantasy" part of the relationship - basking in the glow from all the good things he does...however...you'll get in the rut...you'll get the bad days....it will NOT be all wine and roses...

I would tell my husband that it's obvious our marriage is NOT strong enough for an open marriage and that we need counseling to make our marriage what WE WANT IT TO BE - then you won't feel the need to go elsewhere.

The grass is not greener.

If your husband is verbally abusing you and the children? DEMAND counseling, anger management, etc. If he's willing to work on those and actually does it? You've got a keeper. If he tells you it's not his fault and if you wouldn't mess up, he wouldn't have to get mad? Drop him like a hot potato. Get counseling for yourself and DO NOT get into ANY relationship for ONE YEAR - and that's WITH counseling.

You need to end one chapter in your book instead of skipping to the next without finishing it.

Good luck!

A strong marriage does not need to add people to it. A strong marriage invests in each other so much, that other people have no place.

You did NOT have a strong marriage. If you did, YOU or HIM would never have wanted an open marriage. YOU would have never sought permission. You make a choice. Hopefully it's the right one, and you let your ridiculous feelings for this other man go away. You can make that choice, but you have to want to.

Strong marriages, don't find themselves in this position. You need counseling. For the choices BOTH you and your husband have made. Bad, destructive, backwards choices.

I hope you've both been tested for STDs. What a horrible decision.
GROW UP.

Please go to counseling, for yourself--solo, marriage counseling and family counseling.

I see adults here who are acting like teenagers. I'm sorry, but I have seen several couples in my own life who thought polyamorous relationships would work out just fine, that everyone was being enlightened and elevated because they thought they could all just talk things out and 'manage' this. Some will argue with me-- and they are welcome to-- but this is a horrible example to set for our kids--- that they come after our romantic flings. Your husband has been gone, you've brought another man into the picture, you are stressed about your loyalties and to whom...

PLEASE go get some counseling. No one here is going to begin to be able to help you understand why you chose to stay in a relationship with someone who was making you feel bad, then decided to look outside the relationship without getting divorced first. What did you THINK was going to happen?! I am sorry I can't be kinder about this, but really-- your kids do not deserve this incredibly skewed situation which is being visited upon them by their parents. You may have 'had his permission' before you acted, but I just cannot fathom what the adults were thinking this would lead to...

ETA: I want to add one thing-- the biggest reason I suggest counseling is that, whatever choice you make, you will end up repeating some of the same dysfunctional patterns over and over again if you don't get to the bottom of things sooner than later. Good luck.

Oh come on now. Let's call it like it REALLY is.
" My husband is a good man and father and doesnt deserve this."
Sure he deserves this! What kind of dumb dumb that LOVES their wife would say, OH SURE. Go out and sleep with another man!
And what kind of dumb dumb that loves their husband runs out and sleeps with another man?
You see...THAT is why open marriages don't work.
Of COURSE you have grown apart over the years. You had a baby about a year and a half ago, you started sleeping with another man about a year ago, and you wonder WHY things have been rough for your marriage?
Everyone in their right mind knows that if you want to fix something in your marriage between two people than you never NEVER bring a third person in.
I am not jealous of your marriage at ALL. It sounds like a big farce. Phew, thank GOD my husband loves and respects me enough to want me for ONLY him. Thank God I feel the same way about him. MY man stays with ME, no one else.
Good riddance.
L.

who is better at making money, can retire with, have more in common with, makes you feel completely better and who can support and deal with you when your old.

unhook your genitalia and your romance plugs. Think with a clear, sensible head because that's what got you in this mess in the first place.

Open relationships do not work very well even for strong people. It generally only works for ONE of the two.

So do something unconventional for this unconventional position. Pick the one that can make you MOST happy AND can take care of you at the same time who would be the best choice for your KIDS KIDS KIDS. This is who you need to focus on.

A very wise lady recently told me that when a married person has a fling, he/she can't help but compare the strengths of the 'new' person against the weaknesses of the 'current' person. This can not result in good decisions.

AFTER READING YOUR "SO WHAT HAPPENED":

That was fast! Committing adultery does not necessarily make you an unfit parent and your husband can not move your children out of state without your consent and/or a court order. He was foolish and heartless to try to pit the children against their mother and this will not stand well for him in court. Unless there is something about your behavior that you haven't mentioned and if you want joint custody of your children, I would suggest that you seek immediate legal counsel and if you are not getting along with your mother, ask her to move out.

It was "HIS" idea to have an open marriage? Now YOU are curled up in a ball? Your husband may be a good man, but he is NOT a good husband or father. You may be a good woman, but you put your personal desire before your marriage and children's well being. The moment your husband mentioned "open marriage", you needed to take a stand and let him know how you felt and asked him to reconsider or separate immediately. Given the fact that he NEVER followed through, I suspect he may have just been fantasizing out loud.

The reason folks may have said they were "jealous" of your marriage is because they didn't or don't know the whole story.

If you are truly interested in saving your marriage, put the other man behind you, get into counselling and put your family first.

I wish you and your family all the best.

Kind regards.

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your marriage is anything but strong. That's almost a laughable thing to say.

Your husband wanted the open marriage and was not only fine with, but encouraging of, you sleeping with another man you fell for. But he never ever took advantage of the open marriage himself? I'm calling BS on that one.

If you chose your husband, then move on. Leave this other dude in your past, totally. No phone calls, texts, facebook contact. Tell your husband that the only way your marriage can continue is if it is officially closed. Get couples therapy and get yourself in for yourself too.

You made a mistake. Now you have to clean up the pieces.

Did you ever find a good church?

Love is a choice. Are you going to be head over heels every second? Nope. There are different stages of love. The concept of an open marriage is just for sex. You broke the rules of marriage and an open marriage. You're hurting everyone in your choices right now - including children. Either fully commit to your marriage or walk away before you do anymore damage to anyone.

Throw out both men and concentrate on raising your kids.

A 'good husband' doesn't throw 'forsake all others' out of the vows.
And while you're mourning the loss of your boyfriend, who does your husband have on the side?
Is there only one other or is he playing the field?
Is it still going on?
Is your marriage still open?
Are there going to be uncomfortable questions if/when your husbands girlfriend(s) and/or you get pregnant?
Or does he have a boyfriend?
I totally don't believe he hasn't been playing around.
I don't even want to think about the STD potential.
If monogamy isn't working out for both of you, then at least one of the two people in your marriage has no business being married.

I lay this whole mess on your husband.
He asks you for an open marriage and NOW he loves you and wants you to stay.
He's just loving how easy you are making this for him.
I say he doesn't get to make this call - he gave that up.
I know marriage takes work but DANG - you are 'curled up in a ball in the fetal position'!
Exactly how much work do you think is going to have to go INTO this?
And how much work is HE planning on putting into it?
See a marriage counselor to work through you feelings and come up with an answer.
Your Hubby is jerking you around.

Love is a choice.

How do you go on? You make a choice. Do you want to repair things with your hubby, or do you want to start over with someone else? Make a decision, and then put one foot in front of the other until it feels better.

I think a lot of human suffering is self-inflicted. Which in essence, if the problem was created by decisions we made (whether we had permission to or not) then I think we can also choose to work our way out of the mess we created for ourselves. In which case, you know now that you aren't the type to sleep with someone else and NOT have feelings.. you learned this about yourself.. that being said, now decide... are you going to re-focus your energy into your marriage or not. As long as the other guy is in your heart, you will ache. Also, consider this...... once the other guy finds a new love (and he will) don't you think that will cause you heartache? again, a situation that is inevitable and one that you don't need to set yourself up for..
Bottomline. .IF you honestly love your husband enough to stay with him... then drop the other guy 100%... no more contact..
as long as you are messing around with someone else and it causes you to turn away from your husband, even if just somewhat, then you ll never focus completely on the marriage..

Also, it's one thing to say your husband gave you permission, ok good enough.. but now it's your choice to hold on to the second guy.. your husband is only partially responsible in that he gave you permission.. your husband didn't make you fall in love with the guy.... so blame can only go so far..

My question why even fight for your marriage? Maybe I'm wrong but to me when you truly LOVE someone you would never entertain the idea of having sex with another. I've been married to my husband for 25 years been together 28, sure I've looked at other men maybe even flirted. But the idea of someone else or hurting my husband is unthinkable. Doesn't sound to me that your husband is very committed to you either, if he would prefer someone else. You both need counseling. What happens when your husband finds a younger woman (trophy wife) will you be willing to go quietly into the night. Also where was the concern for your family or kids? How do you think your children will feel when they're older and hear about this. And they will. I heard all about my parents exploits. They will have little if any respect for you both. Just as you had for them when you cheated and that is what you did. You said he never found anyone, no but you did. No he could file for divorce and charge you with adultery. Did you have this "open marriage" in righting or just verbal? Really you need to show yourself and your family some respect. Dump both guys, learn to know yourself and expect more from others and yourself.

Sorry, you made the decision to go outside of your marriage. Doesn't matter what your husband said. If your marriage was a good one, this would not have happened. I have been married for 27 years. I have only made love to one man, my husband. I can't imagine going outside of my marriage, no matter what he said. If my husband asked for an open marriage, I would say sure and hand him divorce papers.

Now, you have a mess. Sorry, but lets call it like it is. You made the decision to have sex with someone else, no one made you. You are responsible for this not your husband.

Counseling is needed quickly. The innocent victims are your kids.

Hmmmmmm.
Well, i would say that you need to make a choice. You either stay with your husband and break off all ties with this other man, work on your marriage and work on getting that foundation back between you and him or..... you divorce your husband, go live with this other man that you seem to be so in love with and watch what kind of issues it creates... especially when kids are involved. See, this is why i do not believe in open marriage or open relationships when children are involved, because in the end, THEY ALWAYS PAY for our mistakes. Now, if you had no kids, that is a different situation. Man... good luck!

Some quotes from your post.....

"My husband is a good man and father and doesnt deserve this. He loves me and wants me to stay"

"We have grown apart over the years due to some issues that he is willing to work on, for example, he cut me down and can be verbally abusive and made me feel depressed a lot..."

".... but overall our marraige was strong".

"He also has told my two children, who are 5 and 7, that their mommy doesn't want them and is leaving them to be with a scary guy and had them shame me and yell at me. He is now accusing me of being a bad and neglectful mother".

You are confused. Not about which man to be with, but about what good mental health is. Please get yourself some counseling so that you can get a realistic picture of your life and begin to make healthy choices for the sake of your children.

As far as which man to choose...... NEITHER. Instead...... choose your kids. Be a mom. Help them grow.

-----------------------
ETA- don't you have THREE kids? Where is your daughter?

I know couples that are happy in their open marriages. It sounds like you aren't though.
If you want your marriage to work then get professional help. It sounds like you had problems before all of this started. I'm guessing your husband suggested the open marriage because he's not happy and he was hoping to be able to find someone else without having to go through the divorce. Problem is he didn't find anyone else but you did.
The other man doesn't sound all that stable either in all of this. He has an ex, a child. You sound like his rebound fling. Those things never last. They are great in the moment but that's it.
Find a professional to help you sort things out and find yourself. You may find yourself with neither man and that's OK. It may be what you need. Staying together in a relationship that isn't working just for the sake of a child isn't doing that child any favours. Curling up in a ball doesn't help anyone, especially your child.

This is a difficult one for me to answer since I think both are valid considerations. I think you should get some counseling and see what shakes out.

I don't agree with the idea that love is a choice - certainly not romantic love. You cannot force someone to love you and you cannot force yourself to love someone. Sure, you can choose to live with a spouse, respect him, be physically intimate with him and raise a family together purely based on a rational decision - but I would not call that "love".

I can understand that rational decision to remain in a marriage without romantic love. That is the decision I made for myself: I respect my spouse and we get a long well, we are a good parenting team and provide an emotionally and financially stable home for our child.

I do not love him however and I do not believe I ever will. I am willing to forgo love for the stable family that we have. I do sometimes feel like I am missing out on love - but I know many people who LOVE each other and have crappy relationships/lives. Love is no guarantee for happiness.

So get some counseling. If you think you can still love your husband all the better, but even if you don't you can always consider staying in your marriage for rational reasons.

On the other hand I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with being selfish in this instance and choosing the man you actually love - if you and your DH can come to a good solution for your children. Given that you have a history of "open marriage" and living apart for months at a time making a clean cut may actually allow you to stabilize your children's life instead of going through this on again - off again relationship. The constant on/off is usually more damaging to children than a clean divorce - which in your case may even be amicable (since your DH doesn't sound like he wants to hold o to you too much).

Good luck.

I appreciate your post. I know you will get a lot of grief for it, but I find your story very fascinating. Even if people don't act on it they wonder what would happen if they did, well your story shows what happens. As much as we would like to be able to try all options in our life it is actually not a good idea. You now know so much and can move forward with what you have learned from this.
If it helps I think your marriage would not have worked no matter what you did or did not do because of your husbands attitude toward you. If he was OK with you sleeping with others then he did not value you enough.

I agree with Julie to a point. You do have to make a decision and move forward in that decision. However, I don't think love is a choice. I think love is a feeling that can be nurtured or killed based on the choices you make but you can't just simply choose to love.

I think that you have made the first step by moving with your husband rather than staying behind with the other man. Now, take action and fight to save your marriage and family and mend your heart.

I completely agree with Andrea.

Close your marriage. Seek counseling. Figure that out before you move forward.

Well, love is a decision. Would you rather get out of your fetal position, and go move in with this man across the country - or would you rather get up and get over it, and go hang out with your kids and a man, who, in your own words, you love, and is a good man and doesn't deserve this. You have 10 years invested in this marriage and 2 kids who need both of their parents. I think you should get yourselves into some marriage counseling, and figure out why you both think that an open marriage is OK. It is not. And it doesn't matter that you say it all was your husbands idea. You could have said no, but you didn't. You went out an found another man, and contributed to this mess. You both need help.

If you had a good husband and marriage, neither of you would either offer an open marriage nor pursue an opportunity when given it. It sounds like you guys just need to get the spark back. Do NOT give up on your marriage until you try everything possible to save it. It sounds like your husband is trying to do better so I think you BOTH should get counceling and you need to FORGET about the other guy and focus on your family. Good luck.

You got your husband's permission to date another man. This is totally jacked up. Did you really think this was a good idea? And you are blaming him because he suggested it? You went through with it because that is what you wanted to do and maybe you wanted to do it all along, but now you have permission, so it is ok. The grass is not always greener on the other side. You might in fact find out that it really isn't grass, but artificial turf!! Did neither of you adults think about the kids? This is totally narcissistic behavior. Counseling or divorce - only two options I see.

I don't believe this a real post. Sorry.