I Resent Him...

OK, Whew. Before I say anything, let me just say, my husband is 41, and no signs of maturing. He was a musician when I met him, still is, and always will be. 3 kids or not. I would never take it away from him even though he's always on tour and NEVER HOME AND I DO EVERYTHING. But. I have things the way I want them too, in my own way, and since he is covering the bills right now, I have less lee way to complain, but that has traded between us a few times over the years, same with responsibilities, different times call for different measures. BUT. Anyway, You have a major advantage here, if you spin it that way.

First of all. Soft Ball has become the symbol of all that is wrong with your husband. When really it's the unfair burden on you and the finances. I KNOW you think a lot of those things would be solved if you could take away his softball, and a little revenge to boot, but even if only a couple of them change, it's not worth it to take that away from him. Hopefully he'll be playing until he's 80!

What you need to do is come up with a fair plan for all the things that need doing in your home and INCLUDE softball in the picture. Maybe LESS softball, maybe not. But if you take that away, the resentment is going to be flying BOTH ways way worse. I agree, right now, he is escaping to softball and majorly slacking, but you can reign it in.

Rack up a list of chores, kid play time, etc that needs to happen, lay out your work schedule, AND his softball schedule, and have a meeting to decide who needs to do what to allow for work and softball and all the other things that need doing until there is a fair breakdown. If he refuses to agree to it, you need to have real consequences standing by of things you will not do anymore etc. Have rewards in mind for progress-just start a fresh slate.
He was enabled to go off the rails, and there he sits. Have a major pow wow and try your best to lay this all out with love and fairness and a desire to let him play some softball if the new fair plan allows. Be super clear with him about how you're feeling, but try no to attack.

The real issue seems to be that you need help and support - and softball is the noticeable way he is being selfish. Would softball feel so bad if you had something to do a couple nights a week, and he helped more around the house??? Figure out what you need and try to explain you understand he likes softball and the (escape, exercise, friendship - whatever) it provides, but you also need your "outlet" too... Let him know what that is and that you can support softball if he can support your interests and needs around the house... it all depends on what it really is you need. Sounds like balance and help. Define that for him and see what happens... good luck!

Start making him lists. My hubby responds to that...he's 49!
Seriously, men can sit in the eye of a hurricane and look around and not "see" O. thing that needs to be done. They work better (I think) with lists and specific tasks. I'll bet your softball resentment would decrease if he was helping more at home. (With me it's golf and a new Harley--double whammy!) Good luck.

I so love the fact that I'm not the only one taking on more responsibilities. But, just like you, I've allowed him to take the "back seat" while I took care of the majority of pretty much everything. It's hard to do, but you seriously have to get out as often as he does. If he's out of the house 2 hours twice a week, you need to go out 2 hours twice a week (even if it's out a girlfriends house, riding your bike - alone). He needs to know how it feels to not have a choice, but to stay home and take on some responsibilities.

My husband goes on a guys night out once a month, every month. I went out once and then planned on going out with the girls again (2 months later) and a week before that, out of the blue he said he was going to call his buddies and cancel the guys night out because, get this - he knows I really don't want him going out. NOT true. I love when he goes out - it gives me time to spend with my kids, but I thought it was odd that he just blurted it out and ironically it was 2 days before I was suppose to go out again (which I didn't). Anyway, you've made his life too easy. I would hope the time he spends playing softball, he could be on the computer trying to find a job. There are a lot of houses on the market that the banks own. Why not have him go to the banks and see if they would pay him to cut the grass, paint the houses that need painting. There are so many side jobs people can do, they just need the ideas planted in their heads. My girlfriend got laid off over a year ago and makes more money now cutting grass on foreclosed houses.

If you are that close to living off your credit cards, he really needs to prioritize what his needs are and get on them. His mom seems be an enabler as well.

sounds just like my best friend and her husband (whiose thing is soccer and also does not help and blows money while she takes care of 4 kids and works 2 jobs)... all I do is pray for her and offer to help when I can during times when she is also at the end of her rope. good luck to you, hopefully some marriage counseling will help ;)

I've seen other's mention the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I came across this last week at Goodwill and bought it. I'm in the process of reading it and think it gives great insight on men. I think it may help you. It's easy to read, please check it out. Good luck.

well, try a 'honey-do' list. men have trouble with wanting the little details to be perfect. As far as the softball, you said you resent that he feels he has the right to play softball. Well, why not? it's softball, not drinking at bars or going to strip clubs. He's 44, it's probably keeping him in shape, too. When is getting maried equivocal with losing the right to make a decision for oneself? You can't control him, so either respectfully ask for help, work together, or seperate, but you're not gonna catch an extra minute shuttling kids back and forth to each parent's house. Maybe take time to relax yourself, but i truly feel like if your biggest problem is him playing softball, then you don't know how good you have it!
edit-didn't know he doesn't work. No softball till he gets a job or get going-the choice should be easy.

Ok, I don't understand the softball thing either, but I know my sons play it and so do their wives.....and one of them together they have 4 kids.....SO, with that said....you need a hobby.........or time with the girls...........

And you need to talk to your husband. It sounds like he is home all the time....does he work? If not, then it's time for him to become a home daddy......until he finds work..........Tell him how you feel.....try to do it very calmly and not get mad............let him know that this is not what you bargained for, and that this is to be a parnership......(not that it ever is most of the time)

Next, quit worrying about the house so much......if he's home and not cleaning it, then he must not care how it looks, so clean it every other day or every two.......if someone comes over, tell them you hope they are there to visit you and not the house cause you work full time and it's too much........if they don't like it, then they aren't good friends or relatives!!!!

With all that said, do you go to any of the ballgames? Take the boys? I don't know why this is so important to them, but it is........so say to heck with stuff one night or a Sat....and go with him....take the kids and have fun, take treats and maybe water for them if they will allow that at the park........

If none of this works, then tell him things are going to have to change and tell him why.........then do what you need to do........

Hang in there, take care and if you need to talk, send me a message and I'll give you my email address..........Oh, and most men never grow up.....sorry to tell you that now......but if you still love him and he can be a great husband and dad, then maybe he doesn't see what is going on......telling him will let him know.....
Good Luck

I know this probably won't go over well but perhaps you could make him as list of things that need to be done (on a daily basis or weekly or however often you feel is necessary) and tell him that that list is his responsibility. Make yourself a list as well. One doesn't get to have fun (ie. softball and whatever it is you want to do for fun) until one takes care of one's responsibilities. I am guessing he will think you are treating him like a child/ young adult if you do this but I am also guessing that you feel like he is acting like a child and maybe if you have a list with things that you must do he won't take it so hard. Good luck.

I agree with Denise. Try the list strategy, and if he acts pissy about that, then I'd tell him you know he needs softball, but the family also needs him(support from him) - especially since you seem to be the primary one supporting the family right now in every way, not just financially. The money is running out and he can't just think about himself. At the very least, he needs to step up and be an equal partner at home so you can work to support the family. If neither of those work, then you guys need help communicating and a neutral third party like your pastor or a counselor could help. His mother does not get a say in this unless she's willing to help you out more while her son is off being selfish. He needs to grow up and sometimes, no mater how old the guy, guys can get selfish. I actually think older guys can be worse about all this! Either that or he feels overwhelmed with losing his job and the kids too and this is his way of dealing with that. But he needs to put some of that energy he's putting into softball into supporting you and finding another job. Perhaps you work out a compromise if he can step up more during the week, then he gets to play softball 1 day on the weekend. Work first, get it done, play later, have more fun!

Good luck!

Counseling seems like a good idea for your situation . . . either with a pastor or qualified marriage and family therapist, psychologist, etc.

Resentment can be very toxic in a relationship and should be addressed (justified or not).

Also, is there a way for you to quit working or cut way back on your hours - since he seems to want a traditional relationship where the wife deals with all the home and child care issues? He can't have it both ways - JMO.

Good luck.

First of all, tell your MIL to stay out of your marriage. If she thinks it's okay for him to neglect his duties around the house to play softball, she can pick up his slack and come over and clean the house and pay the bills! Maybe she could even take the kids to a park or to their activites. Suggest that your hubby look for a coaching gig that way he's earning money doing what he enjoys. That can be a start. Keep your credit cards clean of his spending---let him use his own.

If your marriage is going to survive you and he must sit down and talk in a mature compassionate way. Of course he is going to play softball, people like to play sports. Of course it is costing money, but my first thought when reading your post is how can she afford Chuck-E-Cheese if money is that tight? It's rather expensive too. I saved for months to afford taking my girl there and it really wasn't worth it. She would have had just as much fun staying at home and playing in the yard or going to a softball game with everyone else.

I think if you guys did the softball stuff as a family and went to the games together then it might make the family unit more cohesive. I hate to fight with my husband too. I told him last week that if I had the money to pay for an apartment that I would be moved out and take the kids with me. He has cleaned the kitchen, done some repairs, and actually done a better job of things lately.

Some of the previous posts have basically said that you need to ground him until the work is done...just how fast do you want a divorce...my goodness you are not his mother. He needs to have respect for you but you need to have some for him too. I agree you need a break and he needs to man up.

Again, you guys need to sit down and talk, make the time with a counselor, someone who knows a lot about marriage compromise.

The sky is not going to fall if the house isn't cleaned up, it may make him aware of how lazy he is getting if you just stop doing all the work. The dishes can sit, the trash can wait, the laundry won't grow legs and walk out the door, everything that is not being done can wait, if you don't take on everything and just let it go. Do what chores you like, make sure the kids are doing chores too, they need to grow up to be responsible adults that won't treat their spouses like this too.