Husband Travels Too Much

Ok - so just to reflect back what you said.

1. Your husband has a good job.

2. He's also a good father.

3. You don't want him to travel, although his job requires travel.

4. If he travels, you don't want him to have fun because you're not having fun.

5. You're making yourself and your husband miserable because you expect him to entertain you and ensure you're not lonely.

You realize how petty that sounds, right? Do you really think your husband has invented a job that requires tons of travel just so he can stick you at home and miss important events like your son's birthday?

Sorry to be so harsh - but you need to grow up about this. Your husband would probably LOVE to be at home more than he is. Endless travel is not very much fun, even though it seems to be from the outside. And your husband is not responsible for your happiness - you are. So buck up, make some new friends, host play dates, invite friends over for dinner when your husband is gone, and try to get back to being the supportive partner/wife that you were before.

Or, you could keep whining about being lonely to your husband, tell him how much he's letting you down by having to do his job, and see how that pans out. Seriously - what do you expect to gain by fighting with him? Do you want him to change jobs to one where he doesn't need to travel? If that's the case - be open and honest and tell him. Just don't take out your frustrations on your husband just because it seems like he's away having fun while you're at home not.

Well, my husband had to travel a lot with his job too. It afforded us a certain lifestyle and my being able to stay home. Did I like him being gone so much? No. I didn't. But, it was part of him having a job making lots of money.
We eventually divorced and NOT because of his travelling. If you think it's tough having your husband away? Think of not having one at all. Think about your son in daycare and you at work and YOU missing out on certain things because you have to keep a roof over your head. Don't let your resentment shoot you in your own butt.
Your husband could take another job where he's home every day. Hypothetically, if he made 1/3 the income, would you be happier?
Your feelings are very valid.
I'm just saying that if you are fighting all the time, what exactly is your argument? What do you expect him to do?
If you resent him getting to enjoy things, find a way for you to enjoy things too when he's gone.
If you are feeling a disconnect, fighting isn't going to help that.
If travel is part of his business, you will have to find a way to agree to making family time important when he is home.
I know a woman who complained about never getting enough time with her husband. They lived 15 minutes from his job. He came home every day for lunch. He was home 15 minutes after clocking out every single day. To hear her talk, you'd think he had to commute to Shanghai or something.
Then, he had to have a couple surgeries and was laid up for a while and she was upset because having him around all day long for several weeks at a time messed up her whole routine. She didn't like that he lounged around watching TV while she cooked, cleaned, scrubbed, took care of the kids and the animals and was in her way as she tried to do it. She resented it. They fought constantly. She couldn't WAIT for him to go back to work.
She was over crying about him not being around enough.
Resentments build.
You have to talk them out in realistic terms.
You have to know that both people in a marriage don't get to do exactly the same thing or have the exact same responsibilities. You have to be a team.
Just my opinion, but tit-for-tat never works in a marriage.
You both need to express appreciation for each other and the roles you have and know that it's all for the betterment of the family.
Fighting isn't the solution.

Best wishes.

Hey girl. I grew up in 'the Rillo. What's up!
I've read through the previous answers. There are a few reality check posts already, so I won't kick a dead horse or belittle your feelings. You have a right to your feelings. You are asking for help before it gets any worse. So, that's a good start. Some things you can do...
Stop saying things like "my husband travels too much". He travels the required amount. Replace those blame statements in your mind and speech with something more constructive. "I miss my husband when he travels." Isn't that more accurate?
Until you find a way to get your resentment under control, be careful not to let it spew negativity all over him, and what time you do have together. Instead, try showing him appreciation. Watch and see if he doesn't start showing some back to you.
Pack love letters in his luggage. Send him email updates on what your son is doing. Pictures daily, by email and text. Take video of the activities he can't go to. Move your sons birthday celebration to when dad is there.

You aren't getting much couple time, so, plan some. Not the minute he gets off the plane, but the 1st weekend night that he's home. Don't wait for him to turn his attention to you. If you guys are fighting all the time, he's going to retreat more and more into his daddy role as a way to build a wall. It's great to be a good daddy, but if mamma aint happy, nobodys happy! So, you take control of that. While he's gone, make a hobby out of Planning date night. Set up a sitter. Budget the money. But tickets in advance. Look for all the free stuff. Concerts in the park, etc. Switch up the dates. One time get tickets to a Dillas game, (Do they still have the Dillas?) the next time go to the Midnight Rodeo and go dancing Get a pretty new outfit together. Lay out and work on your tan. Let him come home to his tan, happy, sexy, adoring wife. While he's gone, get more involved in volunteering with your son or at church.

Just 2 weeks a month? I have a friend who's husband works out of state 4 weeks a month. He comes home late on Fridays and flies out Sunday afternoon! Earlier this year he went 3 MONTHS without a job! They were freaking out.. But now they do not take a good job for granted.

My friend video tapes the big events, takes lots of photos, they skype when they can.

They have a beautiful home, great schools, Their savings are getting bigger and bigger every month and they make it work.

When he can take extended time off they spend all of that time together. They make the family memories together then.. as a family.

If you really want him to quit, have a plan ready for how you are going to make up for the loss of his part of the income in case he cannot find another job that pays the same. Maybe you could work 4 or 5 days a week full time? Even with childcare, maybe it could help make up for a less paying job with more tie at home for your husband?

One thing I have learned is that when I had to travel with my work. ALL I did was work.. Even at those fancy dinners or other activities, it was not really pleasure it was always just "another way to make that sale or get a new client or keep the clients entertained and happy.".. I earned the great salary..

I understand you miss your husband but please don't think because he is participating in activities he wouldn't rather be home. I took a great position in April and was just gone for two weeks to Philadelphia. Did I stay in an awesome hotel, have great dinners, go to a baseball game??? Yes, Yes and Yes. It is tough work though, not one big party and I would have given anything to be at that baseball game with my daughter. Talk it over with hubby, don't miss out on the time you do have together.

My husband was in the military. He was gone--GONE--for eight months. We spoke on the phone maybe 6 times while he was deployed. Thank God for email or else we wouldn't have communicated. A few times, he got to go to some really cool places. Singapore, Dubai. He enjoyed himself but he was never shy about telling me how much more fun he would have had if I had been there, too. I wouldn't assume he's whooping it up at these team building activites; even if there are cocktails, he is still being judged by his higher-ups. I know it's hard to say goodbye to him when he leaves, but if you can turn your resentment around to gratitude that he's willing to go to this much trouble to support his family, maybe you won't fight so much. You could plan one coupley thing to do together when he gets back from a trip--get a babysitter, go out to dinner, and reconnect. Maybe then it'll be easier to let him focus on your son during the rest of his time at home. Get out of the house and make some girlfriends, or join a book club--something that can be just for you. And have sex. Lots of sex.

My hubby travels for work as well, he is gone pretty much Monday thru Thursday most weeks. It is a hard adjustment, but it is for them, too. I also relate to the fun nights out- hubby goes to sporting events and really nice dinners as well. And once in a while he is happy to see a game or whatever, but truly, if he had the choice, he would rather be here (I used to think he just said that to make me feel better, but I actually believe him now!). So that's one part of it, you have to remember he's not on vacation, he is working. That seems hard when you're elbow deep in a sink full of dishes and you know he's drinking on a dinner cruise, but don't lose sight of that.

Where you really need to adjust is when he's home. If he still is working, great, but he needs a definite time to punch out. This is where it was hard for us. When my guy is home, he works from home, and he has a hard time stopping work for the day, he's constantly checking e-mail and taking calls, etc. I've had to get him to 'unplug' at a certain time. Or make plans to do something that keeps him away from work- even if it's just a walk in the neighborhood or a trip to the park. We've found that we have to structure our time at home to define work time and family time.

Make sure to communicate with him when he's gone as well. Texting, calling, e-mail, whatever. We signed up for skype and that helps a lot. Just to sit and chat and see each other's faces, it helps my daughter a lot as well.

It really is an adjustment, but that's my advice- remember he is working even when it doesn't feel like it, remember WHY he's working, keep in touch when he's gone, and plan your time at home to define work and home. I hope you all adjust, it is possible!!

I'm really sorry about the women who responded saying you are petty and selfish. You are not looking for anyone to judge you, but for some real advice on how to cope with this whole new life. You are human, and the feelings you are having are valid and understandable. I get it, because I too am the wife of a traveller. My husband is gone pretty much every Monday -Friday, and much of Saturday is spent catching up on emails and paperwork (he drives to most of his appointments, so he can't be on the computer during much of the day) Just last night, after the kids went to bed, I was actually roaming around the house trying to figure out what to do with myself. I was lonely! I find I'm spending a lot of time on Facebook, which is totally unproductive. The other day hubby packed up his golf clubs and headed out for his business trip. I know it's work, and he does work his butt off. But there is golf and nice dinners happening as well. I agree, it's hard not to be resentful. We've had this life for as long as I can remember (we've been married 14 years) It wasn't so bad before kids, when I was working and had a life of my own. I had no problem heading out to happy hour with friends if he was gone. It definitely got rough when my kids were tiny - I don't know if that's where you are in life right now? That is when the bad times were. I was resentful - of everything!! And when he would complain about the times he had to travel by plane I used to get so mad - what I wouldn't do to sit on a tarmac for an hour, in silence! Sounded like a dream to me! Anyway, my girls are now 9 and 7, and things have gotten easier, mostly because the kids are easier! I run my little kingdom over here, and sometimes my husband "messes it up" when he comes home! The girls are in school all day, and I substitute teach between 2-4 days a week. On the other days i go to the gym, grocery shop, or do what I'm doing right now - chilling on my back porch for the half hour before the bus gets back. Soon I'll be back on duty and it's off to swim practice and a board meeting at the pool - all done with no husband present. But I'm not resentful anymore. Many days I feel like I have it "easy" compared to him (at least now, not a few years ago) My husband has missed a lot too - birthdays, ceremonies - but I am at EVERYTHING. I haven't missed a thing. And I try to remind myself that because he's working so hard I am able to continue to pretty much be a stay at mom and BE THERE for the kids.

I don't think I really gave you any advice accept to hang in there. Once your kids are older things will be better. Feel free to private message me if you'd like to vent. From someone who has been there (and still sort of it), I totally get it!

One more thing - just something to think about - when my husband realized I was resentful of all the "fun" he was having at work he simply stopped telling me about it. We ended up talking all of that through because I didn't think it was good that he wasn't sharing his life with me (I mean, it literally IS his life when he's gone as much as he is) That was a pretty rough patch too. Try not to go there!!

I wish my husband traveled more!! :) Be thankful he has a job right now. Many (9%) of our country is still out of work!!! :)

Find out if you can go with him on some of these trips. You will find that it's not all peaches and cream - yeah - he's going to baseball games and such - but he KNOWS he's missing out on a lot at home....please know that those "fun" evenings aren't - they are "glad-handing" and listening to people drone on and on....THAT is NOT fun.

those ensues the fights...he's upset - you're upset...

Instead of being angry - when he is home - turn off the computers, tv and such and make it all about family time....don't worry about the "honey do" list...if he's home for one week at a time - set out a schedule -

if it means one night you guys are discussing finances, writing out checks, etc. then that time is blocked off...if there are problems with the house - discuss them at that time unless it's an URGENT situation (AC out, water heater out, roof leaking, etc.).

One night is dedicated to family only - games, Wii anything where you are INTERACTING with each other.

While birthday's are important a party doesn't need to be on that day - it can be any day.....so find out his travel schedule and make sure it's done when he is home so he can be there.

The Karate Tests have make up days - get his schedule of travel and find out what day he WILL be there and if it jives with the make up test date. Most Do Jung's are VERY accommodating family schedules...

If you can afford it - hire a cleaning service to come in and take the load off you. This will take a lot of stress off you and allow you to enjoy your time with your husband while he is home.

I don't know the age of your children - but if you can - hire a babysitter and make sure you go out and do things for you - mani-pedicures, massages, etc. things JUST FOR YOU - this will also help you so that YOU have YOU time too!!!

That's what this boils down to - you are not getting any time for yourself or any respite from the duldrums of your daily life - we ALL need breaks....

My friend's Husband, travels a lot and works a lot and has long hours.
He travels abroad. A lot. He is in charge of various continents. He can't not do that.

He is hardly home.
When he is home, he spends time with the family/kids/wife. And does household chores too. He is present.

BUT, for his Wife, he got her a Nanny to come in a few times a week, during the late afternoons/evenings... which is the time that his Wife, is MOST stressed and tired and has a harder time with the kids.
They have THREE young kids.
This has helped a lot. She then can have time for herself... and outings by herself. Or for however she wants to use the time.

MAYBE your Husband SHOULD get you a Nanny... or home-helper. That is the trade-off... per him not being home much.

And yes, her Husband is not always there for major events. He has to, travel. It can't be helped.

But this is how they have managed.
My friend, knows this is her Husband's job. He is very good at it. And they also have had to move, abroad and to different U.S. cities. It is an 'education' for their kids, who are growing up very multicultural.

Yes, it is not easy.
But for my friend, she does not resent her husband's job.

For your Husband, CAN he, opt-out of some of those work functions??? I mean, I am sure, there are other Husbands employed there, who have kids/a wife/family too.
If he can opt-out of some of those functions, then he should.
My other friend has a Husband who's company has LOTS of team-building things/outings/weekends away/parties too... but he, does not attend all of them. It is too much time away from the family and it is very, time consuming. And yes, all of that can affect a family and the kids/wife.

You need to not "resent" your Husband over this.
He has a job. A good job.
Not many jobs nowadays. Many people unemployed and without anything.

Does your Husband like his job?
You both have to talk about it.

If you continue to "resent" him for it.... then, that will destroy the marriage and/or you both will fight all the time.
Not good for your child to see/hear.

I am sure, he would not want to come home... to a mad Wife.
He has a Boss to answer to, too.
Home or work, will then become, SO negative for him.

Just talk 'with' him.
Ask him to get you a Nanny or Home-Helper.
Or, you ask friends/Grandparents, to come and help you and babysit, so you can get out too.

I've been in this situation to a degree too. I guess no changing jobs? If that's the case, you have to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. That may mean hiring some help so you get out too and/or a cleaning person etc. If your husband has no choice, then it's not his fault and you need to remind yourself of that. He has his life now and you have yours and it's unfortunately up to you to just take care of yourself and your needs. This will force you to be very independent and it may take time but you'll adjust. My sister has had this situation for years and years with her husband gone for a month or longer at times and she's just super self sufficient. It also will help a lot if you make some good mom friends and get out and do things.

I think you need to find someone to talk to about this... not your husband, because your resentment then shows through. Find a trusted counselor, whether it be a mental health professional, or a trusted clergy.

I realize you have probably thought about this, but you really need to be thankful that he has such a good job. My hubby was laid off (from an engineering position) 2 1/2 years ago..... believe me, that is rough! He is working now, but it pays little more than his unemployment did. I'm only bringing in about $1000 a month, so it isn't as if I am a major bread winner for the family.

When he is home, you probably need to have a "date night" so that it can be just the two of you, without the little one. I'm glad he is focusing time and energy on his son, but that means you are taking a back seat in all of this.

For his next time home, plan a surprise event for just the two of you.... plan for a babysitter, and the two of you go out and do something..... even if it is dinner and a movie! You need time to reconnect, also.

Maybe you need to have him ask if spouses are able to come on some of these outings... and have a family member watch your son for those times you can be together at a work function.

For awhile my hubby had this exact same situation. I learned that I would get into a routine of being by myself then he'd suddenly show back up and try to do things another way and it irritated me. I had to just drop it, and not be selfish when he was home. I also would travel with him when we could, if it was over a weekend or long holiday break. I would resent how much fun my hubby was having with the team building stuff but when I asked him if I could have fun too, he obliged. When he was home, he'd send me off on my own to by a new outfit, get my hair done etc... then we always made sure we had a date night planned for one night he was home. Even if I couldn't nail down a babysitter, we'd put the kids to bed together, then grab a board game and some munchies and play the game on our bed. You just have to remember that he's trying to provide for his family, and it just happens to be a traveling job so just support him. At least he's not lazy and sitting on the couch all day playing video games. It's just a phase in life, you'll get through it. Just remember to always put the other one before yourself and you two will get through this time in your lifes just fine.

It sounds like we have similar or had similar lives. My husband has had periods of travel and sometimes he's just working so much he might as well not be here. I too got resentful bc he actually doesn't need to work like this - he's just a workaholic. I make quite a bit more money and am still the one there for our kids etc. A few things I've learned - it gets way easier as the kids get older, I need to get help/outsource as much as I can, and learn to differentiate when he's doing things bc he wants to versus when he doesn;t really have a choice. This latter point really lessens the resentment factor. When he had a jerk boss making him work 24/7, first I was mad and then I realized that unless I really thought he shoudl quit, there was nothing he could do. It didn't mean I wasn't still bummed but I wasn't resentful anymore. Getting together with other moms and their kids in the evenings too made a huge difference bc then I wasn't lonely and trying to entertain the kids by myself all the time. So unless you really want your husband to make a job change, accept that it sucks but there's really no reason to be mad. In terms of him enjoying all this stuff, as other people said, it's not great. At this point in my career, I don't even go on expensive dinners i'm invited to. I could care less. It's work. Initially it might be fun for him and exciting but it'll turn into a chore for him. Btw - I never really use or used help to go out on my own. I just felt guilty leaving the kids again after working all day. But I learned that that's MY decision. My husband is all for my going out. But since I make the decision not to bc I want our kids to be with a parent as much as possible, I also don't get as annoyed anymore that I"m the one always home. So you make the decision too - either you want to be home or you go out. Lots of mothers do choose to go out some.

My husband's daily commute was a killer for 2 and 1/2 years. He took the job hoping he could work from home one day a week but that did not pan out at all. There were days where he left before the kids got up and was home after they went to bed. He hated that aspect of the job but overall loved the job. He got another offer after two and a half years and was pretty intent on not taking it until I made it clear I was losing my mind with the "travel" aspect of his current job. He does like his new job too and we all like that he is more readily available to us. One of my brothers always puts it that any job has a certain "suck factor" to it. Usually there is a trade off as a result such as better pay for longer hours or better opportunities provided you are willing to travel. If he overall likes his job and better opportunities do not await I would try to make peace with the hours. I like the suggestions you have received about having him unplug at times when home or setting aside time for just the two of you. I know this is incredibly difficult to do but perhaps if you allow him to take charge of some of the planning like where you will go and what you will do he would be more up for planning like that

Stop fighting with him. He can't fight alone.

You've already received some great insight here...

My husband also travels a lot. With his new position and responsibilities he travels less, but works longer hours.

Whenever he is out of town, I adopt the mindset, that I know for sure he is coming home safe and sound...unlike all the families who have service members serving in war torn countries like Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan and Kuwait...that kind of separation would be even more unbearable for me.

So I'm good. I do get lonely at times, but that is because we have moved with my husband's promotions, so I am always starting over making friends.

I take lots of photos of the kids events, email them, or txt them. I take videos and upload them for him...He is so appreciative of seeing his kids events and makes him feel so happy to come home.

We have been together 25 yrs. MOST of those years, my hubby was gone 2-3 nights a week. In the beginning it sucked but now that he does not travel as much, I actually miss his travel.....

He NEVER missed an orchestra performance, birthday, award ceremony or anything that was an important milestone in my daughter (now 16) or my life.

I have been a SAHM through this and substitute teaching occasionally. not once have I felt lonely. I had plenty of things on my plate and we are very secure with our marriage so I had no worries or insecurities.

When he was working for someone else and on the road, I learned his business. Not the technical things but customers, how to manage his travel, etc. He did not have admin help and the HQ was in NY. So I became his "admin" and I managed all of his travel plans and helped him where ever I could. This ended up being a situation where his customers would call ME because they knew I knew exactly what mile marker he was on or if he was in a plane, etc.

Yes, there was a lot of entertaining and fortunately I was asked to be at many functions.

Fast Forward and 7 yrs ago, he ended up in sales with a company that sold only 1 main product. He was used to selling a huge variety of raw materials. I kept getting calls from customers asking aobut certain products....so he would consult with them and let them know where to find it, etc. He never asked for compensation on that but some of the companies started paying him a commission. We formed our LLC at that time and it was VERY small.

Now for 2 solid years, we cut the corporate tie, went 100% with our LLC and have not looked back. I gained an incredible amount of knowledge from learning his business that I use today as well. I do ALL bookkeeping, travel, arrange for materials to be delivered to the right spot and our sales are over 3 million a year.

SO.... if you show interest in helping him, maybe you can gain insight on what he does, you can help when he is home and he spends more time with the family.

A hubby on the road can be a good thing. He sacrificed a lot by catching 6am flights so he could be home for us when needed but it is paying us now with our own stable company. We are not working for anyone but ourselves and at times it is very scary but so far it is growing faster that we ever dreamed.

I could have written this myself! My husband is out of town a lot, and it seems like every night he's out having a good time. I know he has to go, but I still can't help feeling resentment. We also argue a lot more. I don't have any suggestions, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone, and it's ok to be upset at the situation. I haven't figured out how to make it better, but we just keep pushing through. Hopefully the traveling won't last forever! Best of luck!

Well, I spoke with a wise lady shortly after my husband started to travel more (gone three weeks at a time about every two months) and she said:
1. He should not share all the FUN he is having with you----you do not need to know!
2. Go out on a date shortly after he returns home (get a sitter, etc.) to reconnect quickly after he returns.
3. The rules have probably been adjusted since he leaves for two weeks at a time, and he needs to check with you before to make sure he is supporting the systems you have determined work when he is gone. The rules need to stay consistent when he is there or away, so at first this is hard but gets easier....he needs to lean on you for this though and not just try to take over again since he is home.
4. Don't just stay home when he is away.....have your own fun night (once a week or so) with the kids....McDonalds, or something simple to change the rhythm of the week when needed.

Hang in there......it is tough but these were some things that definitely helped us. One thing my hubby does do is when we do go out, he wants to treat me the way he is treated on some of his fancier nights, so he will pay for a really nice dinner instead of the regular chili's or whatever. I feel spoiled and he likes that I get some special treatment too.